Why does everyone tell me to dump the ******? I know she had an affair, I know she went nuts. But I like people with 5 year relationships, when they never even loved the partner tell me to dump her.

After 21 years, just walking away was never a choice for me. Im still hanging in there trying not to LB her to death <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Yea im hurting everyday, but there had to be a reason I married her in the first place.

Trust me, I understand. My family and friends are losing patience with me and don't understand why I just can't move on and be happy that now I can find someone else.

It makes me question, do I really want him or is this just some sick game I want to win? But, in my gut, I know I want my family intact. But it is not completely up to me. He will know, without a doubt, that I worked my butt off to try to reach him though. He will know that he turned his back on the one person that would do that for him, once he gets out of the fog.

Amen!! I want my family intact to. But I dont want that old marraige back, it was either dead or dieing a slow death. I want a new better relationship with my wife. When I moved back into the house for a month we had that. I was there paid attention, listend to her. And it was going good untill OM called her back and it all went to ****** after that. Now that the OM is gone forever, I just hoped she would wake up.

But im in this for the long run. The D has been filed, and I know she is talking to someone, but after I LB a week and 1/2 ago, she is now back talking to me. And I saw her yesterday and we smiled at eachother with that "damn I want you smile". Something we have always had the sex part.

Ill just keep it up, keep it nice, no LBs, work on myself and try to win her back somehow. Weird hu I have to win her back, but if it was not for the 4 years of ignoring her I would not be in the place now.

I know its not my fault what she did, its all hers, and its something she has to deal with, the pain she caused alot of people.

Plus im go glad I did not do what my friend said to do, go bang someone, heck my wife told me the same thing to get rid of her guilt. So far 5 months after this started, I have not even gotten close to doing that.

I do understand about having to win them back. I tend to think I am entitled to being his first choice, being his wife and all, but that is not the case. I think the OW in my situation is gone for the time being too, so reality is he would rather be alone than be with me-that is tough to swallow too.

I would hate to see the "I miss you smile", I think I would just wring his neck right now. How dare you look at me like that and still be leaving me!! I would love to have someone to just snuggle on the couch with right now, but that is a path I won't go down for me right now. I could not be in a relationship with someone who would be with me right now (being married and all). I am so sick of all this adultery crap.

I was really looking forward to reconciliation, reaching that next level of honesty and intimacy, finding what we have been missing that leads us into this cycle.

But I know, regardless of how this M turns out, I will be stronger and a better mate for someone. I hope that will be my dear ole departed husband, but he may be gone forever.

Good luck to you Falcon

Thanks alot. Thru all of this my wife and I have had a good relationship with some fights here and there. Never was the word Hate brought up. Never did she say I cant stand to look at you, me either. Matter of fact we have had a great sex life the last 4 months. That stoped after my last LB for the time being.

But we always had this sexual attaction to eachother and to be honest, she is a much better love now then she was before the affair, it brought something out in her.

Thats what gives me hope. When some people break up and divorce they loose even that, its something we both still have. I know its wierd but its still there as strong as it ever has been.

To bad marriage is not all about sex I would have the perfect marraige <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Scott

That is so strange, my WH said that the only thing we are good at is the sex and raising the kids. I am thinking "those or two of the main reason people fight? Why are we getting divorced again".

I think I got too comfortable, the sex was great, we parent great, but I have never been able to get him to identify what was missing. I would love a real honest "exit interview" before the divorce. But that is another thing I will probably have to give up on. I don't think he knows why he is doing it now.

I know why she wants a divorce, years of being ignored, not listening to her, some verbal abuse. And me just being a a-hole <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Not all the time but enough that she got tired of it. I just hope she sees in me the new man, thats if I stop the damn lbs. LOL funny she just called while I was typeing this. Just to ask how my day was and if I talked to my son.

I cant change the past but boy if we could have a shot now, the next 20 years would rock. I just hope I get that chance someday.

Scott

Falcon,
Its real easy for those around you to tell you to "move on". I have heard it over and over from friends and family and from my MC also. My divorce is final already and I still want my W back. The only drawback is that person I married is no longer around much. Other than ocassional glimpses she no longer exists. I'm not sure about your WW but try to see thru all of your emotions and memories of what your relationship was and look at her now as she is this instant.

In my case what I finally saw is not someone I would be attracted to anymore. Try to step back and look closely at what she wants to become and how she wants to live from now on. Good luck and I am hoping the best for you!

dukhuntr

Yea, I know what your saying. She has changed for good and bad. Alot of the changes were positive, the self asteam, but there is part of her I dont really like. But when I look at her I still get that feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I know if we get a chance, things would be so much better, and our marriage would be alot more fun.

P.S. Whats funny is that the woman she is now is much more attractive then she used to be. She used to sit on her butt and eat all day long. Now she lost weight, looks fantastic, the only thing i dont like is she started to smoke but hey what the heck.

Falcon,
What you just said about your WW is what you need to get her to think about you. You are different just by what you have been thru. Now go out and show her you are more attractive also. Change your appearance in either your dress, your hair or grow a beard. Whatever you think will work to put that same sort of thought in her head. Work on yourself! You know what your LB's are and how to avoid them .

Sounds like you still have a fighting chance with her so get into the fray and do your best to fight back. I didn't find out about MB until it was too late to save my marriage so don't end up like me, fighting from the wrong side of the divorce decree. I would give all I have to see that "I want you smile" from my EX again.

dukhuntr

Once, when I was thinking the same things, considering that maybe some of my friends and some family members were right, a true friend of mine made a comment that changed my outlook on other people's advice...

"You are the only one who really has to deal with the consequences of your own decisions. It is your life that will be affected most, not their's"

Well yesterday I took her some money, we talked for a bit and I had to leave and she looked at me and smiled and said "whats wrong?", I said "I love you". Then she got a look on her face like I dont know what. I left and so did she.

Well 10 min later I get a call, she said she was sorry for the way she reacted, it just bothers her to hear that I love her. She still pissed about the LB I did 2 weeks ago.

I dont know if she just does not love me anymore or if she feels so guilty about the affair, adn all the other crap that it really kills her to know I still love her, and that it would be easier just to drop the marriage then to deal with her actions? What do you think.

Keep after the Plan A hard! Sounds like you have a good chance with her and now is not the time to throw in the towel. Buy flowers, write love letters, win her back. I truely beleive a marriage can come back better than ever if both sides work at it. You have to show her you are willing to do your part even if it's one sided right now. It's hard given what has happened but it's even harder in my opinion to sign divorce papers.

"I truely beleive a marriage can come back better than ever if both sides work at it"

I agree to. Right now I know so much more about marriage then I did just 4 months ago. I did plan A my butt off when I moved back in tho I did do some lbs, I just wish I knew this web site then. Im sure it would of worked out by then.

I was such a differnt man that month and she saw it so much, she was amazed at who I was, then I would open my big mouth and say sometihng stupid or get pissed about the affair.

God if I only knew what I know now. I just hope its not to late.

Im makeing a CD for her, with songs that mean alot to both of us, its just a start for now. Pray for me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Falcon,
I beleive you can do anything you really want. Keep it up and be persistent. I will think nothing except good thoughts for you. I don't know about my prayers right now they have largely gone unanswered and it might put some negative mojo on you. Be one of the lucky ones and they are usually the hardest woking and most loving people. I want to see you become the sucess story all of us to aspire to be.

dukhuntr

Thanks alot. I dont have alot of hope, but some is better then none. Shes one confused and messed up woman right now. My only hope is that her "fog" goes away and soon.

I just dont understand some of her choices but again I was never molested as a kid either. I do hope for herself she gets help, but I can only do so much for her, she really needs to see that there is something really wrong.

If "everyone" is telling you to dump her, MB'ers will support you to win her back. I'm divorcing my H because I couldn't win him back after years of trying, but I want to encourage you to follow the Harleys advice, and also it wouldn't hurt if you got some marriage coaching from them.

My intuition tells me you have a good chance to recover.

No, it's not bad to want your hubby back, it's bad when you have the feeling of knowing you shouldn't and if you are doubting like right now, you know more than what you think, you can answer yourself this question more than we could.

Being divorced gives us a feeling of failure, but you are not the one who is failing. She is filling for divorce, that means she gave up on you, you didn't.

But do what you think you need to do so that you can always say, I did what I had to do no matter what.

Yep, im trying like heck. I have to for my kids and myself. I just dont know how people just seem to let a 21 year relationship just go away like nothing ever happend. She has not done that at all, but right now she is very cold because of the lb I did 2 weeks ago. Im hanging in there.

I know people change and the woman I knew may not be her anymore. But I see signs of her every once in a while and it gets more offen the longer this goes on.

Heck I could of just started going out with skanks and drowned my tears with other women but that was never a choice for me.

Scott

Stay focused - the affair is a symptom of the problem, and it alone is not your biggest problem here. Cure a disease and the symptoms go away.

Also having trouble with family input. Tell them thanks for support, I have to do this my way. She is probably getting advice from 'friends' who failed in their relationship or marriage and will honestly coach her into D to validate their own past decisions. She should be talking to a C instead. I'm sure she is worth waiting for and you can do it with DB techniques while you work on 'you'.

Give her time, listen to understand, validate her concerns and don't talk about change, .. we've told them that too many times before and didn't change. Show her meaningful self improvement instead. There is moer in the Bible about persistence and perserverence than hope.