I left my husband 10 months ago, moved with my baby to the town we used to live in five hours from him. There was some violence and it was an awful time, plus my dad was dying. We have our own apartment, some peace, and are trying to move on. I have left a very small door open to reconciling, we went to a Christian counselor the month after this incident, who had some hope but I was dealing with my dad and didn't want counseling at the time. Now it's been 10 months and I'm sure there's little hope, my husband has never once driven here too visit us, always had excuses although I told him he was free to come see his son, he couldn't afford it, the dog couldn't come, gas was too expensive. He was laid off the past month, is starting a new job next week. Wierd, he'd cry on the phone about his son, but wouldn't see him. We only met once half way, and a few other times at my fmaily's cabin, and I brought his son to him a few times while doing business, the last time he had the lawn to mow on Sun rather then spend with his son that he hadn't seen in two months. Now he's seen him once in four months, I told him that last night, he told me I was always exagerating, he's a lost man. My counselor is saying I could remain this way, having an estranged husband if I'm not ready to divorc. Friends and family think he should be paying child support especially since he hasn't spent time with his son, I've done everything and it's fine, I love my boy and I make money. People say he's taken advantage, has no responsibilities for his son. His extreme selfishness is coming through loud and clear, the counselor's right, you just sit back, not even arguing with him, and he'll make a fool of himself, like a little boy manipulating to get his way. I feel bad when he cries on the phone, almost all the time, tears always worked before to get me back when I left, even when dating I'd break up, he'd cry. Now I wonder if the tears arent a way to manipulate me. Actions don't follow the tears, how he misses me and his son. It's crazy. Anyways he's likely and maybe I'm praying for it too, leaving for a job in another state as he was laid off a month ago. I told him to go, he said he has his wife and son here, I said not really, he doesn't see us. He's now five hours away, there's another job in his town, he has to decide. Somehow I wonder if it wouldn't be best for him to just leave to another state. The counselor says likely he'll slowly disappear from our life, he won't ever come here, he'll just make it look like he tried now and then to make himself feel better. IT's all been a sick marriage of four years. True I'm likely very done, have been for a long time. The counselor and others wonder why I can't just file for a divorce. My dad died in May an awful death, I swore after the funeral I'd proceed. But divorce seems like another death, two in a year. Guess I had a hope in Dobson's Tough Love, that by leaving my husband with his child he'd wake up, apologize, make things right. He's done the opposite, blamed me for everything, hasn't even looked at his own problems, he's drinking and hss likely become an alcoholic on top of it all... obviously it's the "enough" point, conversations with him are mostly crazy, the counselor said to stop listening to him, he upsets me and he knows he's controlling me by keeping me either angry or upset and he has his ways. I'm 37 now, I can't imagine dating or moving on but I've been making slow changes, exercizing, going to church, riding my horse, making new friends, going to counseling, feeling stronger. The counselor said this is all my way of slowly moving on and I've made more progress then I might think although I haven't filed for divorce. He said I don't want ties to him financially and that's fine for now. A judge will likely make him pay back child support when I do get a divorce, I don't know how that works. Last night though I was so angry as he was rude on the phone, that I swore to a friend I'd go to the judge this week and have money taken out of his paycheck for child support, and I'd find an attorney. My counselor is right, the man gets a kick out of upsetting me and he's in such delial it's insane, saying he's seen his child more then he has. I know he'll lie and will be dirty in court, I'm afraid of the whole process and should be as he's threatened me so many times. But people say he's the one to be nailed. What a mess my life is. Thanks for listening to anyone who made it through this mess of a post.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I can tell you (from the experiences I'm going through) that the longer you wait the harder it is to establish who did what, when, where.. who incurred what bills, etc. And you can't control what he does. If you live in a state that says all marital assets are split 50/50, then whatever he does now can cost you in the end.

I can tell you that in California, there is no child support until there is a court order, thus no back child support.

I'm so sorry to hear this! Well, on the note about child support, remember that it is for your child. He needs to be responsible and take care, not only now, but in the future. This is a way to ensure that your child has the funds that they need, even if, God forbid, something happens and you can't support both of you for a time. Don't let your little one pay for the sins of your maddening husband.