I don't understand that a man can have a two year affair out of a five year marriage with a 3 year old daughter that he a adores and now decide that this was all a mistake and want his life back. I cannot understand that he could love me at all??? How do you do something like that to someone you love? It is not like we had any major problems!! that I was aware of (sex was never the issue other than it was me who wanted sex and him who didn't) It should have been me having an affair after the rejection I was getting. He told me no and wanted her...so how am I to get over that? In my mind I am haunted by the fact that he was leaving a perfectly willing hardworking wife to give himself to the OW. He was home everynight giving my daughter a bath and being the family man??? I do not understand?? I hear him say that he knows he ruined all of our hopes and dreams of the marriage and that he will do anything to make it up to me, that he loves me (how can I believe that). All he wants is a chance to prove that he can be the best father and husband, and that's all fine and dandy,,,but why would I believe that he loves me?? He has been having an affair with someone for TWO YEARS (woman is 12 years younger than me and him)... now to me.. love might be present but for the OW not me. Then I tell myself that he just wants the comfort of his home and family and he does not want to break up the home for his daughter's sake (he comes from a family with no divorces). God help me but those are not good enough reasons to stay married to someone. I deserve love for me. He actually does tell me that it is me he does not want to lose...but the affair (from the day of discovery he has had no contact with OW) lasted two years.....so I feel like the last two years have been fake my family is a fraud it is not at all like I thought. Everything I have done in the last two years has been playing house...in a world of deceit and lies. My heart is broken and I just wonder why he didn't leave in the first place and why does he cry to stay now???????<BR> <BR>All times are CT (US) next newest topic | next oldest topic <BR>

Unfortunately, you may never understand why he did it. You must realize he made a HUGE mistake but he wants and needs you and your daughter. I am not one for giving advice very often and I am also struggling to get past all of the same questions you have, but trust me it will get easier with time. It will never be the same, but it does get easier.

Zombie is right. <P>I think the best explanation I've heard to those questions is that they are in Idiotville mode during the affair. Not in their right mind.

KWAS you are right to feel the way you do. The answers to your questions may come in time. Your husband owes you a lot of explanation. Does he know why he had the affair? Why did the affair stop? Why should you believe it won't happen again? How can you trust him again?<P>All affairs are built on lies and deceit and that hurts really badly. I suggest you read "Private Lies' by Frank Pittman. It gives a perspective on different types of affairs, some explanations and an idea what each of the affected parties go through.<P>Yes you need to understand so that you can affair-proof your future relationships whether with your current husband or someone else. Your husband needs to understand so that he doesn't make the same mistake again. You both have a lot of honest talking to do, just do it without lovebusters, keeping in mind your goal of needing to understand.

Give it time. It may help to understand how men can compartmentalize and in their brain they can somehow believe one thing (family) doesn't have anything to do with the other (affair). Of course that is plain old wrong, but I do believe that generally (not in all cases) men think and process differently than women.<P>My H had a brief affair (5 weeks or so) and he can not believe how differently he thought at that time. He says it is like looking back at a different person.<P>I know you can not be comforted right now, but stay here and just hold on for a while. We really really know that.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Faith, Hope, and Love:<BR>You come very highly recommended as to your knowledge and advise. I am trying everyday not to walk and to see a future. I hope I can do this and do it right. Either way it is comforting to know that I did what I was supposed to do and it wasn't me that blew it. I know that's shallow but it's all I've got right now. <BR>I am hoping to get a betrayer's point of view as to how you can "like my husband says" (love me) and still do this to me?? He says the "thought of losing me or his family never entered into his mind" during the TWO YEAR AFFAIR with younger woman ("who he says he never ever loved")..he never considered leaving and never considered losing me" How is this possible? I am a strong willed, determined, independent woman what did he think was going to happen?<P>Thank you again for your response.

KWAS<BR>They don't think!<BR>I spent a lot of time trying to understand. how can I uderstand if my H doesn't. There are a lot of good books out there. If you haven't read "Private Lies" give it a try. It really helps explain a lot of different perspectives on affairs.<BR>the conclusion that I have come to is that my H lived simply for the moment. there were no plans. there was no thought of the future. Things were fine the way they were going. Why change anything. <BR>If the OW was content to have him without committments what would be the point of changing anything.<BR>There really are people like that who want no committment becuase then it would become a real relationship.<BR>I'm rambling again. Famous for that.<BR>What I'm trying to say is that you probably won't ever truly understand. Look at what you have. Look at what you want. Take some time. Don't make snap decisions!!!!!!<BR>You need a chance to get over the shock. <BR>Take care of yourself!!!!

Wow...what a compliment...don't know if it is deserved.<P>KWAS...my H's affair was really probibly about a ten date kissy face thing (I'm reasonably sure) which thankfully he found he did not like or respect and thank the Lord was walking away from when I discovered.<P>It was crushing. It took at least 4 1/2 months to even begin to recognize myself. I actually thought I was insane for a while. This forum I believe saved what little sanity I had. Since no one else knew, I had to go on as if nothing was wrong which on one hand was horrible on the other hand actually made my feet get out of bed each morning and my mouth speak. Every morning I would be surprised to hear my voice sound normal and my life actually functioning.<P>Many here are going or have gone to heroic lengths to save their marriage. I can not hold a candle to many and feel almost inadequate in comparison.<P>When I discovered my H's affair, my primary thought was that my children 13, 10 & 3 would have a happy two parent family if it killed me. Although I loved my H, if it had not been for my children, I would have kicked him to the curb so fast it would have made your head spin. And I truly believe we had a good marriage...it wasn't anything like the last straw...it was an out of the blue first strike. I believe my values were so violated by his unfaithfulness I could have walked away even though I loved him.<P>So I truly understand where you are coming from. Even harder for you because of the length of time. <P>Private Lies was the only book that explained what I believe my H's affair was accurately. After the Affair by Janice Spring was great to understand how the betrayed and betrayer feel emotionally and physically during discovery/rebuilding and Torn Asunder is a great Christian book on infidelity. The later two books, however, talk mostly about deep emotional affairs, which was not my H's case and may not be yours.<P>I read/am reading a great many other books on marriage and forgiveness, too...and the whole experience has been one of growth. Painful and slow...but growth none the less.<P>We will be here for you on your journey.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hi KWAS,<BR> It sounds to me that what you are most upset about (besides the affair!) is the length of time. My H's was almost as long 11/2yrs. when I found out and then another 5mos. after ....I kept saying the same thing....how could he have gone on and on.? The only thing he has said to me about it all was that once it started it had a life of it's own, and he could not believe it kept going.....we are now 4mos. into recovery and things are much better....HONEST!!!.......don't throw in the towel if you love him, read everything you can .Surviving An Affair was my "bible" and as others said ,Private Lies is good too. Lu