When My H left he wrote me a letter and in it he basically told me that he was not ready for M.

Seeing as I wanted him back, I did not want to believe him...but now 5 months later...I wonder if there was some truth to it...

I have been asking myself what it is that I want out of a M. Not just why did I marry H but what do I want from a M that I would marry any man possibly again in the future...and how can I reconcile that with H's statement of not being ready for M.

I guess my H's many 'speeches' since leaving got me questions things....
So, first he said he was not ready for M...then he said he did not want to make any compromises in his life...did not want to make any sacrificed to what he wanted (I am left to assume that being in a relationship with me was leading to making some sacrifices he did not want to make...thus he left)....he said he did not think about the future, was just interested in being happy today!..(he made a big fuss about that one)...makes me wonder about the whole 'together forever' business <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />....

So then I think about what I want from a M....I want to share my life with someone...build a life together...think about having a FUTURE together...sharing memories, pain, hurt, laughter, sadness, disappointments, surprises,...
I want to do my own growing and have a person by my side to share this all with...In the process of that I believe that I will have to compromise and sacrifice (if it must be called that)...but I don't see it as somehow hurting me or stopping me from being a full contended person...

I believed my H wanted something similar...but now after what he has said and as I watch him, I wonder. He is perfectly happy (he insists on this)...yet he is doing a job he hates, living with roommates in a basements, complaining to me about having no money, arguing with people about every little thing (basically always being critical of other people's points of views about everything), quitting school all together, going out and drinking almost every night (then complaining about it afterwards: the mindlessness of it and the stupidity of people looking just to get drunk <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> )...I wonder if my H really was never ready for marriage ....

If he was not 28 I would think he is having a MLC...

This makes me wonder if I really was ready for marriage and how will I know that the next man I meet (somewhere way down the line) is serious about marriage...

What is the reason for getting married? I think my H married me because he loved me at the time but with time (1 1/2 years later!) found that it was not just good times...but that work was also involved....He always told me that M should not be work if we truly belonged together! I had a different opinion....

So, what is the reason to get married? How to know if someone is serious about it? What do you want out of marriage? And lastly, Is M work?

I think I know the answer to the last one, but I would like to hear from others so that I can get my H's opinion on the matter once and for all out of my head....

I know I did not mention children...that may or may not be something I want...I did with H but now I am questioning it all again.....so I am undecided again....


Any thoughts?
Thank you...
Daisy

Daisy -

I got the same stuff from my WH and he's 35. He told me he doesn't think he should be married. He would complain about his job, his living sitch, his money probs, everything.

Nothing has changed that I know of. He's just miserable because he made a mistake and he feels guilty. That's not to minimize it, it's a big deal. But he has to start to forgive himself before we can really forgive them, I think.

I know I'm giving you any advice or answering your question. I just want you to know you aren't alone. I feel the same way you do about marriage and the future. My doofy WH is lost in lala land right now and maybe, someday, before it's too late he'll find his way out.

I dont know about your husbands case as it's been 5 months, but during my affair, just before H found out- I told H that I married him too young and possibly for the wrong reasons and I truly believed it at that time due to the negative cycle I was in - in fact you could not have convinced me otherwise - my mom tried to - she even pointed out all the love she saw and that she knew it was good, but I was convinced that it was wrong and that I still wanted to be married, and I would make the best of it - and learn to be in this marriage (while I was in my A) but convinced I married for the wrong reasons...

Now 10 months out of my A, I am feeling the way i used to - that I married for the RIGHT reasons, that my man is the man for me and always has been, and I married for love.

I am assuming your H is still in his A...and probably why he is so convinced it's what he wants....

Seems like plenty of WS are fine with marriage until they completely f*** it up with an affair.

Then, having done that, they backpedal and say "I guess I'm just not cut out for marriage."

Translation: Marriage is fine as long as I don't have to work at it and I don't have to take it seriously. If my life goes to h*ell because I didn't want to bother doing those things, then suddenly "I'm just not cut out for marriage."

Yep. My WH just *loved* being married until he ignored, neglected and emotionally starved his wife right into a nervous breakdown. Now he's trying to decide whether he wants to be married at all.

Funny how that works, isn't it?
Mulan

Not much help to explaining away your H. But just the same -

I believe all the things you list (share/build/future and even intimacy) are possible with others and marriage isn’t necessarily required.

Marriage brings something else to the above.

It brings permanence, commitment, work and a certain finality. It brings (it’s supposed to anyway) the promise of having your list fulfilled for the rest of your life and even through bad, bad and worse times.

It also brings God into your list. God is part of a holy marriage. Marriage is a sacrament. It is in the end something otherworldly. It is something to be trusted (again, it’s supposed to be anyway) beyond human frailty.

Oh, and marriage is where children are to be created and nurtured.

Its value and meaning is more than the sum of its parts.

IMO, anyway.

With prayers,

Added: You might find this book interesting: The Exceptional Seven Percent. Amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0806523581/103-2872275-3112637?

Thanks everyone!

This whole experience has left me very uncertain...I don't know if H is in lala land...but he says he is happier since he left....and I just don't see what he is doing that makes that the case.... I can see that he is free to do what he wants and is accountable to no one and that I know makes him happier (he said this).... but beyond that... the life he leads frankly is what he did before he decided to go back to school 5 years ago (except for drugs - he does not do that now)....and he said he wanted more in his life...

I wonder what I could have done to make him happier. I know I was not a perfect wife...I even question now if I was ever a good wife....but I know I did my best given what I knew then (I know so much more now, so I know I can do much more now..)....Then, I tried and tried but failed each time since he just seemed to be miserable more and nothing I did made a difference....and finally he just left

I guess I wish I knew if I could have even made him happy.... since his idea of what to do in life is different than mine....


Are dreams and goals for the future unreasonable....I mean, we don't all achieve our dreams but we try to and we strive and we take on chalanges to reach our goals and have our dreams....

But H does not believe in any of this....

Sure he would like to travel, but he will not save anything because that interfears with his happiness today.... Sure he would like a MA but that takes work so he just quit...He tells me he only cares about today and does not give a s**t about tomorrow or the future! You might be wondering why did I marry him if that is how he felt...but believe me, I still have letters that show he planned for a future with me and talked about it and us having children etc........I don't know what happened.....why he now says he does not care about anything....is he just trying to get me off his back - perhaps....

I just don't understand my H and I am trying to very much!!! I don't even know why I am trying since he left and has no intention of coming back....

I guess I wonder if I could have ever made him happy... Was I way of in thinking that a marriage was a parnership and was about building a live together and a future...and that it was going to take some negotiation, compromise and sacrafices so that both our dreams could come true...his of wanting everything today...and mine of wanting some things in the future that required not thinking just about today....

Or is he just a person that is not ready for M? (as he said)

Or are we just not compatable (as he says)?

It hurts to think that there is some woman out there that will be able to do what I failed to do....

Daisy

Mulan,

I was never able to convince him that it took work...we had good times as long as we did not face any chalanges...but as soon as we did it was hard and during those times H would convince himself that we were not compatible at all!
And finally he just said he was not ready to be married! Believe me I was no saint and I LB...I wish I could take that back...

I guess five months later I am still hurting from all of this....

I know there is nothing I could do to convince him to work on it, it still hurts to know that he was not willing to try...

We did try counceling and then he just said he did not want to do that anymore....but we only went 5x (I went 6, he missed the last one) I mean that is like nothing...what can you resolve in 5 session (45 minutes each...adds up to 3 hours and 45 mintues...this is all my H could spare to save our M -- I still cannot belive it)....and even during those session he spend 10 minutes during each session arguing with the MC and telling him how he dislikes IC/MC in general....we never had a chance....
After this, it was 'I just want to be friends'....

Daisy

Apheleon,

This is really the part I am strageling with. When I said my vows I ment for better or for worse...but my H did not....He told me later, that he did not believe in being unhappy, so if you are in a M that makes you unhappy you leave....I believed you work at the issue and try to find some way to solve the problem...

I think I have learned a lot in the last 5 months and I believe I can make a even better partner now...but H is off ... and does not see that we can be happy...but I guess if he believes that you stay in marriage only if everything is working smoothly as silk, we will never have a chance, since that is not reallity!

Do you think that one should stay in a marriage if there are issues that make that person unhappy? I honestly don't think they should stay, but I strongly feel that if there are issues they should first be adressed and worked on and the M should be given a chance before quiting!

I feel that my H never realized how hard it would be for 2 poeple to live together in a M and that it was going to take some time to work through the issues....

The trouble is that he has depression and when he gets depressed he sees 'us' as bad and the M is bad, bad, bad,...nothing I can do to change that line of thinking...

Daisy