I've been away from this board for some time now, busy with new job & focusing on things I chose to ignore while my M went down the tubes.

A bit of background: H took a p/t job working evenings in Jan & at some point, maybe April or May, started EA w/a coworker. I knew she worked there, knew he talked to her & they went out for drinks after work w/other coworkers, didn't suspect anything for a while though. She was going thru a tough time w/her H & consulted my H knowing he & I had our fair share. It seems as though maybe they separated for a while & she grew more attached to my H. Officially confronted him early Sept when I found a love note/poem to H from OW, he agreed to NC, quit, I've been avoiding LBs, checking phone records, spending more quality time together, making my boundaries clear & him agreeing he is 100% committed to our M, and I've been able to account for 99.9% of his whereabouts - things are going well.

Tonight he is out at a friend's house for the first time without me since DDay. I guess I'm feeling a little insecure while he's out & need reassurance(?) A few times I've called the numbers I've suspected to be OW's. I found a handful of numbers on the bill that I didn't recognize & began calling. I've narrowed it down to 2: a home phone and a cell phone. Tonight I decided to call both. OW answered cell phone, and biz phone rang in background so I know that # is her. A man answered home phone though, and I blocked my # & asked if she was there. He said "No, can I take a message?" so I hung up. So now that I know for sure those 2 numbers are hers, and that OWH is around (I think) should I call him & expose? Or should I let it lie for a while, at least until I can see the phone bill? (around 10/20 - I can only access records when bill prints) Which is more conducive to our recovery, in your opinion?

Call him and expose. Now is your chance. He deserves to know.

Yes exactly.....expose all of this now !!!

Can you clear up WHEN these phone calls were made? Recently?????

Hi Julie -

Do I understand correctly? Your H quit his job where he was in contact with the OW?? & when was the last known contact between OW & your H?

What was the date that you found out officially about the A?

I am not an expert, just have these questions that others might ask.

If he has agreed to No Contact has he been an open book for you?? Has he given you access to his cell phone, ability to check on-line records, voice mail, etc.???

Please continue to post here & seek adivce ----there are so many here that can guide you. My first guess is that you are going to need to expose the A to the OWH whether or not the A is over.

Good Luck.

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS, age 6
Married 13 years
Plan B 10-11-05

Thank you for the replies. Yes, he quit the job where he had contact with OW. He agreed to NC and as the phone is in my name, and he is not computer savvy, I have access to the records. DDay was 9/4. His last call to OW was his last day working there, 9/10. I wouldn't say he's been an "open book" but he's been open to my talks about boundaries & needing to feel safe, and has accounted for his whereabouts 99% of the time.

Gee, LM caught this already...I know I'm setting myself up for a whooping, and I know you have good reason for telling me to expose...but please, to help this dumb (scared!!) blonde understand, why am I exposing when things are going so well? I'm not sure if I'm risking H finding out/getting mad (when things are going so well!!) because I don't know that OW calls H at all.

My thoughts were to wait till the phone bill prints, around 10/20, and if either of those numbers are on there, THEN expose to OWH & confront my H. Not saying I'm right & you're wrong, just wondering why you feel the way you do...?

Well, I am still not sure what the facts are here...Julie you seem to be clouding the picture a bit here....DID YOUR WH MAKE THESE PHONE CALLS AFTER A NC LETTER WAS SENT AND A RECOVERY PLAN WAS AGREED TO BY YOU AND HIM?

Please just answer this question first....then further advice, opinions can be given to you . The mere fact that you state that he has "not been an open book" and that "99% of his time is accounted for" are RED FLAGS...glaring RED FLAGS. You said alot more in those comments than in anything else you said regarding the phone calls.

Did you come to this website tonight to hear what you want to hear, or what you need to hear? People have no reason to "pull punches" with you here. You can't expect honest advice, feedback without being honest first.

Garbage in...garbage out....remember that.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

O.k. Here I am giving advice on something I had a hard time doing myself. Even if the A is over, doesn't OWH have the right to this information too?? Wouldn't you want to know if you were in his shoes????

This can help prevent the A from resurfacing in my opinion.

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS age 6
Married 13 years
Plan B 10-11-05

Agreed...........let the OWH know what went on.....he deserves to know, this will also be another mechanism for your WH to "tow the line"...you need all of the allies you can get with this.

Yes, I can see how you are afraid to rock the boat iwth this...but if your WH is in full "NC and True Recovery "with you...why the he$$ would he care that you informed the OWH......he has nothing to lose or gain by this......if he is "with you" right? Ponder that to yourself for a moment or two. What answers do you come up with?

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Kim is exactly right. Also if your husband is done with the OW, and wants to work on your marriage, why would he be angry that you contacted the OW's husband? I would think that he would want you to do what you need to do for your recovery.

OH I came here to hear what I need to hear from people who KNOW, and who will hopefully take the time to help me understand. I fully intend to be honest with you all...

I am looking at cell phone activity now. NO - once NC was established, he did NOT contact OW again via cell phone (or home phone, that's online too) from 9/7-9/18. Also during this time he's been with me ALWAYS with the exception of work, during which we touch base throughout the day. He has not gone out w/o me since 9/4, instead we go out together or have friends over here. We've got a weekly "date night" and we have talks re: our progress almost weekly.

LM, when I say he hasn't been an open book, I mean he hasn't "shared" any passwords w/me cuz the cell phone bill was the only one to check & I've got that already. He's allowed me to take his phone when I've needed it w/o hesitation. He's been much more attentive to me as I to him. We are in the best Plan A we can be. No LBs in eons.

You're right. You're right, you make sense, thank you!! I am not 100% sure it was OWH who answered the phone...I will employ my good friend tomorrow in making sure of this tomorrow.

Interesting choice of words....Julie. You mean you are in "Plan Recovery" right...? I always thought that Plan A was to end the affair..that has happened already...right? So you are in essence, working on Recovery, and not Plan A.....I am certainly not the one to discuss the "plans", but surely there is a difference here. No doubt the "love busters" are a NO-NO in either "plan" I suppose.

If your WH has NOT made renewed contact, then I would just continue on to your recovery....but keep your ears and eyes and cell phone bill open. If I were you I would ask that he become as much of an "open book" as YOU NEED BE. If you are here posting these "concerns" then he is NOT open enough.

Something does not taste right to me here, but I have been guilty of "premature gustatory ejaculation" in the past, so take what I say with a grain of salt...K ? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Interesting choice of words....Julie. You mean you are in "Plan Recovery" right...? I always thought that Plan A was to ebd the affair..that has happened already...right? So you are in essence, working on Recovery, and not Plan A.....I am certainly not the one to discuss the "plans", but surely there is a difference here.


Good Point Lem.

Julie - You should be in Recovery then and working together on this. He should be doing things for you to help heal you and your M. Is that happening??

Kim

Now THAT...I AM learning to do!


Got me again, and to my knowledge and according to him YES - EA has ended and NC is still in fine working order. Obviously I don't paint the best pictures here, so "something not feeling right" is in order. Plus, you're a lot more experienced in this (most of you, unfortunately) than I so I'd much rather you be skeptical than tell me all is well. Truth is, I can't know for sure because I'm not sewn to his hip. But our recovery is going well and I want to keep it that way.

SOOOOOOOOO............do I skip calling OWH, or am I still doing that, in your opinion? <<Ducks as tomatoes fly overhead>>

Kim, do you mind throwing some examples at me? I mean, life is just better all-around because we're both improving and able to talk thru things. However, I can't step outside my own shoes...I'd like your perspective on what he could/should be doing for me...

Well, one thing comes to mind. If you are truly in recovery, and your husband wants to work on the marriage, why would calling the OW's husband make your husband angry?

Julie, we can help answer your question, when you answer the question posed by Believer. It is all pretty simple, and I think, perhaps, deep down inside you know the answer to your question.....work it out here.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Believer, I don't know...and you make a good point.

1. I'm not sure he'd ever find out if I did call OWH.
2. If he did, meaning OW would call H, I'm not sure it would make him mad - but that was my first thought.
3. After reading thru replies tonight, and realizing he shouldn't be mad cuz I'm only protecting my M, I'm not nearly as hesitant now! Just don't know that it's necessary.

I'm working! And I've answered below. Trying...learning...waiting for more wisdom!!