Well, I think you answered your own question my dear.....why don't you fire up the old "litmus test" honey, and see what lights up.

Are you afraid that he may indeed find out you said something to the OWH? Thereby giving you some information that you don't really want to hear? After all, it "is all going so well"...why don't you just test the "going well" theroy, while you wait on the cell phone records.

Knowledge is power..remember that.

What do you think?

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I think I'll do it! I'm not really afraid he'll find out. I mean, sure, he may, because she might call him & tell him, which would be bad cuz it opens the lines of communication I'm trying so hard to keep closed, ya know? But you're right, the "going well" theory could use a "test" and I shuldn't be afraid to administer it. Better now than later, right? I'm actually confident that after initial shock of me doing it & wondering why I bothered, he'll agree OWH had the right to know. And if it leads to me hearig more from H than I want to, well, it's part of the process. He may actually take me more seriously or do some "thinking" of his own. Or, he may never find out, but I will have done the right thing, and we'll continue our recovery.

Sounds like a plan to me. Go for it. There is nothing wrong with testing the going well theory. If he is really wanting recovery, he won't be angry. He will realize that there are things that you need to do to work through all of this.

Just a thought, it is really early on in recovery. Spouse had the desire to possibly step out the door of the marriage and somehow in some way acted upon it.

So Spouse gets his act together and starts walking the line to please her.

Suppose her husband, like my husband, has some residual loyalty to OW that took about three months to subside and finally die when she mad an a$$ of herself by attacking me. That was so unfair in my husband's eyes he lost all respect for her and she continued to show her true colors and he sees her as scum of the earth.

In Julie's case, where does she state the Affair had gone physical. It's up to her then to lead by example that EA is also as bad. But if he has been "toeing her line" walking the straight and narrow, might he think Julie is showing her true vindictive colors and that could send him straight into the arms of the OW.

Julie, take it or leave it, my advice to you is:
do not disclose what you have sleuthed out to your husband, do not mention the calls to OW or possible contact with OW's mate.

Wait for the phone bill and keep your ears and eyes WIDE OPEN.

If there is one single call on that bill that you should be able to see in about a WEEK, I would make that call, and consider all to have been a Non-Recovery. Right now your husband seems to be believing in and buying into your recovery. Are you willing to give that up?

Once you are sure of his loyalty to the M again, you could tell him you feel it is important to notify OW's husband and like me and my husband did, you could tell OW's husband together, the best possible scenario, in my opinion.

Continue super sleuth mode, and I use PLAN A all the time, and we are in full on RECOVERY. I have my life, my happiness, my marriage and my man back. If I had acted less than a lighthouse in the early stage of recovery, I would have LOST my husband.

Just some food for thought.

10Swords, I appreciate your perspective, it is food for thought indeed.


Yes, it sure does seem like it. Not "buying into" but believing and participating.


****** no I'm not!

Julie I had to edit that post, I got knocked off line for a moment and realized I had made a typo and left something out. You might want to re-read it.

I do think it would be the IDEAL for OW's husband to know, but that is their problem at the moment, your first priority is saving YOUR marriage, and if it's a choice I say to h&ll with theirs.

Like I said best of all possible scenarios is you and your H to make that call together. Been there done that, put a lot of stop to OWs nonsense. She can say oh that woman is so jealous she's out of her mind, etc.... Besides upsetting your H who's minding the straight and narrow for you. It would give her a Reason to re-establish contact.

I think Stirring up a hornets nest is a last resort here.

Btw, I respect Lemonman, but he's divorced and I'm happily married, (AGAIN).

We'll, we've hashed this back and forth now - that is the beauty of this board.

Of course, it won't hurt for her to wait and check out the phone bill.

I'm just feeling that she is not all that comfortable about being in "recovery".

Well who is a couple of weeks in? Are you thinking because she said she's "99%" sure of where he's been? Because I think that's a pretty good percentage, she says the time she's not sure about is when he's at work, and he no longer works with OW.

Exposure is to STOP an Affair. If she feels 99% that the Affair is already stopped, I would keep my eyes and ears open but be glad I've got that much for the moment, this early in the game. I started with less.

Julie it comes down to, if you think you have reason to believe the Affair continues the sooner you expose the better; if you feel the Affair is stopped at the moment I would not risk re-starting it to expose to OW's H.

Of course, my own main concern and top priority is MY MARRIAGE.