jeeze ... this gave me NICU flashbacks

I confess also ... I have a migraine today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Woman, get yourself to bed with a Zomig! (Migraine pill, not handsome Balkan).

When I have a migraine, I'd welcome an asteroid destroying the earth. All I ask from marriage is an empty bed.

TA

Pep,

You have given me many a 2x4s ... the things I needed to hear but often didn't want to.

I don't have any 2x4s to offer you, but I can tell you that you have been a constant source of encouragement to me. I can only hope that I will be able to one day come to you from the other side of my mess and show you that another M was saved partly because of your words of wisdom.

see, sorry pep, but we all want to compliment you instead of 2x4 ya. NA NA NA NA

this is our 2x4...

STOP WHINING PEP YOU ARE MAKING A HUGE DIFFERENCE TO SO MANY OF US.

now, if that is not what you want to be accomplishing, stop posting!!!

I've noticed a change in my mindset as I have gotten older and experienced many life changes and tragedies...deaths of my loved ones, empty nest, the A....

Plus, "the world ain't what it used to be".. Really... Have you seen that TV commercial about poor customer service...What ever happened to "MAYBERRY as in the ANDY GRIFFIN SHOW?...

There's increased social acceptability of immorality and violence....

I guess I'm validating your feelings and sharing that YOU ARE NOT ALONE in this....

It's interesting. I'm less intolerant in the REAL WORLD than I am on this forum... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />


Can't put on those "rose-colored glasses" anymore....

I especially feel NEGATIVE AND INTOLERANT when I am physically ill...

I think you'll feel alot better tomorrow....

Hey Pep. No 2x4 from me! When I came on over a year ago, you made me think past the denial and the shock and the pain.

YOU and the other veteran posters got me through the most difficult parts of this disaster. WHen I was ready to blow things and people up, you helped me to act rationally. You encouraged me when I needed it and you supported me when I was lower than a slug. And smacked me when I needed it.

So forget it! It's unanimous. No 2x4 for you, Missy!

OTH, I can so relate. I had to stop posting and even reading. I do not have the patience for the yabuts. You know the "Ya, but ......."

My style is way more 2x4 aka SOUR Male approach. Like "WTH? You have no H or W. YOu have a WS and you are SCARED to rock the boat? Has this approach worked for you? NO? Then do something different!!!! STOP the excuses and LISTEN to the people that are giving you the benefit of their experience and DO something." Not very PC. So I zip my lip.

I understand the stuck mode. But when a loving 2x4 is given repeatedly and all you get is the YABUTS, can't deal.

You have my admiration for STILL trying to help these folks.

So there! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

poor pep, she can't get a 2x4 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Our DEAR Ms. Pepperband,

You are the ROCK of MB. And you also ROCK bigtime. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

TA hit it just right, ""you've got compassion fatigue"". That plus a migrane would make anyone a little (or alot) down.

Coming here to MB day after day, and reading about all the pain can wear anyone down. Hearing the same stories and the same situations over and over from every Newbie that comes on board seriously is not healthy in the long run.

Concentrate on the happy outcomes, WHICH YOU HAVE HELPED PRODUCE!!

Have a very relaxing weekend. Go to the beach, listen to the waves. Maybe take a break from the halls of MB for a while.

Maybe I should follow my own advise. I tend to get a little down coming here, plus I need to get some work done!!

You will feel better tomorrow!!

You are a treasured ROCK here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k

Pep,

I think both of us were asked an interesting question. I am not sure I know the answer and am too busy today to really comtemplate it. However, I think what you are feeling is the ebb and flow of this site.

Sometimes there are posters here that are "fun" to talk to and it seems like a community. Sometimes there is a "wave" of new posters and when you post they see what you are saying and the reward is that gradually you see them improve themselves, and their marriages are saved or they decide NOT to save it. Sometimes the prepondence of new posters DO NOT get it, and one keeps repeating the same thing over and over. They wear you out.

Then there is life going on as well and that can drain you.

In short, I think what you are feeling is the normal ebb and flow of this site, your life, and your energy level. Hang on girl it will come back. Someone will post that just gets to you emotionally, intellectually, and personally and your usual "pithy" comments will come roaring back, the 2x4 will have a new feel to it, AND you will get results. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Life will be good again Pep.

So hang on this site needs you, when you are ready to be needed.

God Bless,

JL

Hi Pep,

Sounds to me you just need a break. When you start missing us, come back!

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I am going for the 'opposite' theory!

Pep... here's my take. When I was a "newbie" I was SO honored you used one of my quotes as a tag line to your posts for month or so...remember "words to a WS are as effective as throwing cotton balls at a crocodile"? While many of your posts were standard MB fare, many others were "outside of the box" thinking, which were very thought provoking. Not only for the recipient of the post, but for many others lurking around the site.

While I've never posted nearly as much as you, I can say that it's because of several different reasons. Many new arrivals don't even bother to read "Surviving an Affair", and as a result, "don't get" the advice they receive. Other new arrivals will post a couple of times and vanish. Very frustrating when you take the time to post to them. Sometimes I think the new arrivals are overwhelmed by our total famaliarity with the MB program, and post to them in terms they don't understand, almost like a foreign language is being spoken.

Other new arrivals dwell so much on the drama, they read advice and don't comprehend it, don't even attempt to put it in to action, and then complain about how nothing is changing. Melody just started a thread recently about trying to help people who would rather have something to provide drama in their lives, without taking steps to change that pattern.

Still others seem to need advice on every minute step of the process, and can't seem to get the bigger picture, or proceed with gentle pushes along the way. It's more like dragging them through the steps to over come infidelity.

Everyone here has been touched by infidelity, and many are of the BS side of things. Reading some of the new arrival's posts can touch nerves and trigger some of us who have been here long enough to be in recovery at one stage or another. Sometimes that can sour a day.

Most everyone who posts here is in need of something. Some new arrivals, desparate for help, some vets attempting to give something back. But there is another category of folks who have been here 2, 3, 4,5 years who have "dedicated" themselves to helping others, for whatever reason, that goes further than that. People so caring and concerned the time spent here is more of a passion than a leisure time activity. Those people are the heart and soul of these forums. You are one of a number of these people. For that you should be extremely proud, for the number of people you touch are probably in the thousands.

But my point is...we that post care about the people we post to. The topic of infidelity touches people deeply, and we post to others in hopes of speeding along their process, with as few mistakes and as little pain as possible. In doing so, we become emotionally invested in each situation to which we choose to respond. And it is draining. As often as not, we do not even know how many situations even play out. People just fall away, and never return.

I think it is cyclical, at least it is for me. I have to regulate how involved I am in posting to others, or it becomes a whirlpool from which escape is difficult. But when you know your advice is helpful to someone, and it casts a positive influence on their situation, it fill our own EN in some way, and that too, can be addictive.

So no 2x4 from me, but perhaps a window to see why you might feel less than "gratified" in posting of late. Perhaps you have bumped a boundary, and this is your "sign". Perhaps your 15 hours per week with MB is taking away from your 15 hours with those more important in your life.

But your advice to many a BS here is much more like cannon balls of wisdom, and not at all like throwing cotton balls at a crocodile.

What is best for you is for you to decide. It is up to the rest of us to respect that decision.

Best wishes,
SD

If you haven't already read it, you might enjoy Harriet Lerner's book, Fear and Other Uninvited Guests. In Chapter 5, there is a section called "Doing Too Much, Doing Too Little" in which she talks about how people can respond to anxiety by either overfunctioning or underfunctioning in relationships. It's easy to see the problems with people who underfunction under stress. These are the folks who in Lerner's words, "become less competent under stress, thus inviting others to take over". They're the folks who draw attention on this board for seeming "stuck", being "addicted to drama", playing "yes, but", etc. However, Lerner considers overfunctioning to be just as dysfunctional a way of coping with anxiety. Here's her description of people who overfunction:


I'm not saying that this is a description of you, Pep (although I can sure relate to the first four items), I'm just saying that what you see as a bad attitude may be anxiety over something in your own life at the moment that is pushing you from the centered wise woman who shares her thoughts with others in an attempt to help to the off-balanced overfunctioner side that many of us have to our personalities. The fact that this worries you and that you are reaching out to others (sharing your vulnerability in the process) is a good sign that you are aware of the difference and working to keep your balance.

Hi Pep,
What't the progression rate been like for this?

When did you first notice it? Is it getting noticeably worse?

Has it happened before, and if so, what did you do then?

SS

NO PROBLEM.........YOU ASK, YOU SHALL RECEIVE !!!

LemonMan ------> 2 x 4 ' ----------> Peppperband (BLAM !)

Sour <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Pep -

No 2 x 4 from me......Just here to say I'm thinking about you & wonder if everyone is right about taking a short break......

We all do need you here so badly & we need the Pep who is in good functioning mode and healthy here! so if you are feeling a bit done, take a day or two away & come back rejuvenated!!!

Kimberly

JL said:


Recently I was reading some of BobPure's stuff ... where he posts his story and all the links that were important to his journey

... and one of his links was about some of his really difficult Plan A doings when his WW was being snakey-mean

... and I read some of my ~own~ posts on that thread and I was really rather shocked at how GOOD they were (false modesty aside)

... it was weird for me ... I was reading something ~I had written~ that I don't know if I could pull off right now

...I was writing to Bob as if I were loving his wife myself ... that's how hot the fire in my belly was ... and I remembered feeling love for her ... a non-poster ... and that's the well from where I drew my power, my words, my emotional fuel ... I was in love with their marriage recovery

.... probably this is just a dry spell, an ebb like you say.

FL asked why I post so much ...

I know why I used to post ... my love for ~the people~ who struggle

I would be lifted up emotionally witnessing fellow humans pull themselves up and make a go of life despite humungous pain and affair suckage

So I posted a lot because stories are inspiring

... and I suppose I like to pontificate and blah blah blah myownself

..... it is the human drama in all of us ... the poetry of recovery

.... when I think about the world-wide-web, and all our little souls crashing into each other with cyber-words ... it seems a bit of a miracle ... like a huge town meeting

I like it. That's why I post so much <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

i figure that had to be in the equation for you. that is exactly why i thought it would be helpful to you to tell you how much i appreciate all the help you have given me.

i hope your migrane is already gone or goes away quickly.

I'm glad you are my friend, Pep, you are awesome. And I also know the weary feeling you are experiencing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ok Pep, now sit straight up in that chair... well slump down into a comfortable position ('cuz I'm short and need to reach that noggin of yours - LOL!!). Comfy? Ok, now turn your head to the left if u r right handed or the right if u r left handed and stay reeeeaaaal still.

Here it comes!!!!!...... {{{{{HUGZ & kissy smack <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> }}}}.

No 2x4 whacking from me.... I have been feeling that for quite awhile. I cut back on my posting cuz it seems too often my posts kill the thread. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

It comes in waves...... I am not looking for sympathy but taking a break is not a bad idea. This board has enough tenure (sp??) on it to survive.

I miss Sheryl (NB), WAT, Cali, Mthrbaard (sp???), MB fairy from Texas.... Topie25, Terrified, Alberta, Rick37, and all the others that used post to me waaaay back when my heart was too big and my skull was too thick. The boobs were small so you can imagine what I looked like. LOL!!! Just kidding. I still miess 'em. There are a few from back then that post but not many. Knewjie, Faith1, Peachy, Redhat, JL, etc. are a few that still post here who knew me when I was one crazed BS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

No whacks from me. Just a few loving smacks (non narcotic kind). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.