me too, plus I am growing and learning! I love giving back to which I suspect is some of your motivation Ms. Pepper <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pep


I have noticed more indignation from you lately when posters take offense at you, or disagree voicefully. Now you never slap them down, but you DO drown them in reasonable debate until they give in, agree with you, get nice and usually apologise. Thats a pretty unusually combative style for you Pep. You've shaken wobbly BS and entitled WS like a terrier with a rat in the past, but not just folks who disagree with something you say, or accuse you of a certain engagement style. Thats a symptom of frustration on the boards IMO.

In my own small way I have noticed that I cannot now add value to every situation. For a while there I was convinced that EVERY NEW BS needed the "magical benefit" of my words, even if most of my words were just rehashes of stuff said better by Ark, Mel, You or WAT. I guess I was eager to pass on a blessings received.

Some I helped, for sure, but many I didn't. When I started offering "advice" fom outside my own particular experience, I decided it was time to back off. In my case, I now believe my maniacal focus on helping others was a way to bring other folks to where I had gotten, so I need not focus on the fact I had no freakin' idea what to do next. Now I * had * a 'recovery, where the he[i][/i]ll am I supposed to drive it ? I know why the wind went out of my MB sails.

That is not the case with you, Pep. Now all of us are a work in progress in some way, but you're pretty well self actualised.

So why are you losing your muse ?

Maybe your work here is done for a while ?

You posts to me (us) are a case in point. Many of them weren't GOOD they were INSPIRED. Words than stuck into my heart like darts from an anonymous friend thousands of miles away. You wrote as if you had a love for Squid and myself because you so obviously DID. That note you wrote to Squid very recently touched her into silence.

You obviously had a BURDEN for us. Its OK not to have a burden for everyone. Maybe you weren't sent for everyone. Only Jesus was sent to save everyone. Perhaps you have a burden to help save SOME marriages; SOME self respect ?

Despite the sometimes inspired work you do here, you are not an MC. Your best contributions arrive when you have a burden to help. And it can be disappointing - there haven't been many ripping successes here lately.

Pep, I don't want to sound glib but you owe us NOTHING. Pray and ask God to show you the burden and ministry He has planned for you.

BTW thanks. A LOT. {{{{pep}}}}

Pep,

I don't post much but I read here LOTS. You should know that your wisdom isn't lost when the person you are posting to just doesn't get it. There are probably hundreds of lurkers who, like me, read your post and go "hmmmmmmmm, that Pep sure has her stuff together. Why didn't I think of that?"

When you think you are being nagging and less than effective please know that I'm over here thinking that I sure would like to be like Pep when I grow up. (So says Eagle who has begun physically shrinking in her middle age but is just starting her emotional growth spurt.)

eaglesoar,

That is an excellent point.

Pep, hope your head is better today.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Eaglesoar is SO right here. I know I often read your posts and think think 'aaaah...that's right...what a great way to see it.' And done so economically and crisply, yet with underlying kindness.

If the kindness seems harder to get to at the moment, maybe there's something in your life that's getting your defences up?

TA

I can understand how you'd be tired of helping all of us poor smucks. It's a huge energy drain. WS are so predictable in their cycles. I suppose we BS are too. We ask so much.

I applaud you, Pep and the folks who are the pillars and supports of this board. People like Melodylane, Mimi, Orchid, even the dreaded Lemonman. You wade in the muck of our lives but still manage to pluck gold nuggets from the goo and hand them to us. You show us how to drain the swamp or divert the waters. Sometimes, you've just taught us to plant rice so something productive comes from the mire. We've learned that every day the sun still sets and if we look up, we just might see something beautiful.

While infidelity patterns are the same, not everybody comes into it with the same tools, dedication or relationship. There are good marriages that stumble over an affair. Those probably have the best chance of recovery. There are relationships with clearly defined problems that both parties want to work on. And there are those marriages that have had "warning" lights blinking for sometime. Those are probably the ones that make you want to slap your head and yell "get out while you can!" Pep, I'm sure you've seen them all and can guess the progress. Since generally, we only see one side, we can't know how relationships will turn out. I think you try so hard to help us all.

Thanks for being here. You deserve a little MB vacation. Take Mr. Pep to a lovely romantic place. Good things should come your way. YOu must have a big Karma bank.

Ah, Grapegirl makes an excellent observation. Perhaps, Pep, all your experience has made your predictive powers acute. Perhaps you can instinctively feel where it just ain't gonna work? But you can't intellectually justify it?

TA

I think TA just nailed it!

Ya know Pep, what Eaglesoar said is so true. I remember reading on the pg/c board your posts and finally had the courage to ask you to help me grow. Thank you. Hope you feel better today.

so far, this has turned out to be very useful for me. thanks all.

I was also becoming aware that because we are soooooo recovered, I have a rather dim memory of all the pain from this distance in time .... and although this is GREAT for me/us ... it does make me a less effective infidelity mentor in some ways

Boloney! You will never be less effective in helping these folks here Pep.It's like riding a bicycle really.Once you know deep in your heart,mind and soul the kind of support that is needed and appropriate from years of experience and knowledge,you can dish it out until the end of time.Just like we do in Nursing.

You will always be appreciated around here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

O

{{Pep}}

I appreciate all the advice you and others have given since I arrived. To be able to offer advice, listen to b/s or w/s objections to exposing or doing something else that takes risks, and to be able to overcome their objections, finally succeeding in convincing us b/s's what needs to be done, is in itself a miracle. Us b/s and w/s are in unchartered waters, unable to navigate our vessel, and here you come along and guide us through the scary turbulent waters, to eventually our destination of the beginning of marriage restoration. Job well done, Pep.
Even ministers need to take breaks and recieve restorative measures to minister to god's children.

IMHO, what this journey has done is make you and others less tolerant of an A. We think we are never tolerant but when faced with reality, many of us are more than we want t/b. Life does that.....can't kick ourselves to hard because most of us already feel like we are in the gutter.

I know I am less tolerant. I post most of the same stuff over and over. You'd think I'd copy and save my list of 'items' a newbie should consider. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hugz Pep. U R not a synic. Just a caring person who knows the well traveled road to recovery.

take care,
L.

Orchid said:
My ~husband~ is the one who currently is waaaaaay less tolerant of this behavior. So fascinating.

To SS


hi you



I'd say slow .... not crawling, but slow.


prolly about a month I guess



I think it shows ... can't you tell?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Yes, but it was due to an entirely different problem on an entirely different board with a VERY different culture of thinking and relating

What did I do ? .... I quit the board and came back here .... it was a place where ONE person was pretty much IN CHARGE of everything .... and that is scary to me.

I, for one, never had given much thought to how much damage an affair causes, to both the WS and the BS. This has been an enlightening journey. An education of a lifetime. If only there were an injection for newlyweds, just to give them a "taste" of the devastation...

SD

An injection for newlyweds. Great idea! My H even said in our MC once that our premarital classes never really prepared us for M.

I think all newlyweds should be required to read some MB books before getting married.

Pep,

Hi. I guess I'll say, in the small, quiet voice. No 2x4s, but I've noticed the changes. Or thought I have... I think it's been slightly more than a month. Intolerant is exactly the word I used to describe the changes I noticed particularly in your contributions on MB. Interestingly enough, that hasn't applied to your interactions with me personally. But I've still noticed elsewhere.

When I arrived on the board you were straightforward, trustworthy, pithy and wise. Even a brief knock on the noggin was a sign that the sit. wasn't hopeless. Pep, you did not waste your time with that which seemed hopeless. My respect for you was earned. It was great knowing someone so lovely was out there - even from afar you calmed, you cared. Or you seemed to.

Now I avoid your posts more often than not. You've developed some new styles. Seemingly confused at first and then later, self-aggrandizing. It has seemed to me one of your new hooks is to invite contemplation by acting as if you don't know... so that you can "surprise" us all with knowing all of the answers later.

In the end, it comes off as if you're playing at being the star among the mediocrities. Instead of challenging, your words have seemed dismissive and -- phony. Phony is not a word I EVER would have strung in a sentence with Pep even three months ago. The tough love shell doesn't seem very sincere any more.

Honestly, I've wondered if you are having problems you're not sharing. You just don't seem to care much about much - not BS or WS. Not sad news, not happy news. The sad part for me is that I avoid your posts because I expect them to be a waste of my time. Occasionally, I read your posts because I hope to see something different. I saw something different today.

I've been worried for you. Guess I wasn't worried enough because I didn't say anything. But I have been worried. I hope you will forgive my rotten "passing by" without saying until now. I should have said something about what seemed unsettling and un-Pep-ish weeks ago. Radical honesty right? I'm still working on that every day. Can you forgive me for not saying any of this 'til you asked?

And are you OK?

Sally

...

Sally

Has Pep hurt you in some way ?