FF,
Thank you for the compliment. I am a very hardheaded person. That has made recovery take longer and be more difficult than it already is. For froz. I have continued to hurt her and leave her unprotected. The LBs with my name on them are Dishonesty and Independant Behavior. I have thought in the recent past that 'hey, I am not having an A anymore, so recognize what I have fixed and stop being so hard on me'.
What a selfish, prideful, thoughtless belief. I'm not having an A anymore and that should be good enough? I should get an a**-kicking for just that thought alone, save all the other horrid crap I am guilty of and deserve punishment for.
Dishonesty. I am not having an A anymore, nor have I broken NC since it was established. That is fact. My greatest mistake with reference to honesty is I score information in my mind and only tell froz the information that makes the cut. I am fully aware that Dishonesty is hiding an A or when asked if I am having one, I say no if I in fact am. I know what a LIE is. There is no doubt in my mind what LIE is. When I purposefully tell her something that is untrue knowing that it is untrue at the time I speak it. Those items make the cut. Most of the time. They didn't at first because I was too gusy being ashamed and protecting myself. Where as I will shy away from saying I have this specific instance licked, I have not told her an outright lie for sometime. She asks questions. I answer them.
Now, dishonesty also covers withholding information that she should know about(which, because we are married, is everything dealing with me). These items usually don't make the cut. Willfully or otherwise(mostly otherwise, but that is a defensive remark), I have withheld information from her that she needed, would have benefitted from knowing in subsequent negotiations, or would have just liked to have. I didn't lie. I was not radically honest. So, I have made the decision (as part of my plan to change instincts and habits... a theory covered by MB) that the scoring idea goes out the window. I also must pay particular attention to fully disclosing all facets of things that deal with me. I don't have anything to hide, so I am truly gaining nothing from hiding. Or not disclosing, which is a closer approximation for what I do.
Independant Behavior. Couples with Dishonesty really well, unfortunately. I go do what I want to do and don't tell her about it. Great, now I have done 2 LBs at the same time. Double withdrawl. Beating this LB seems pretty straight-forward. Not easy(instincts and habits again), but straight-forward. If I am fully disclosing everything, then she knows of all I want to do and don't want to do. She can then have input on it and participate in negotiations about it. Also, if she knows what I need/don't need then she can attempt to meet those true needs if she chooses.
Lots of things are just flat broken if you have both of these LB problems. Your SO wants to meet your needs, but can't because you aren't giving them the real pisture to deal with. Then, they catch you in lies or witholding information(and they will if you do) and they take a hit in the love bank, which done often enough can actually stop them from trying to meet your needs(yes... the ones you didn't tell them about in the first place). And if you withhold infromation, what are you hiding?? So now they are also afraid and suspecting something, which is not a good thing to feel. Doubting your SO is a bad place to be.
When I said she was becoming a miracle it is truly my opinion of her.
Very often, it is normal human reactions that the devil is banking on, and the method he uses to get to you.
That she said this is one item of proof she is a miracle. Recognizing that the enemy preys on ones anger and hatred, using it against the one and everyone. It shows a belief in God and goodness. It is most powerful because it comes from a woman who was betrayed. She has every human reason to be seething with anger and hatred and for her to see a 'better way' is a miracle.
Her identification of LBs she shoots at me and the desire to want to stop them is a miracle. Being wronged brings anger. Anger brings entitlement. And entitlement brings an attitude of apathy, when you have been wronged. People get hurt by others and because of that, hurt them back because they don't care or they want revenge. It is a miracle that she even toys with the idea of stopping that behavior(she is way more than toying with it in reality).
It is a miracle that she even allows me to spend my life with her, much less her actually wanting that as well.
And that is a fact. I am not fooled into thinking this is just some small error I have made. And I am not naive enough to think we WILL make it. It requires work, knowledge and change. My instincts and habit HAVE to change. If I never change them and things are like they always were, then I shouldn't be surprised if we don't make it. For her and I to make it, I HAVE TO CHANGE. I can not be dishonest. I can not have independant bahavior. I must change my habits and short-circuit my instincts so that the LBs are at least, minimized.
Things continually become clearer and clearer to me and for that I am thankful. I yet have road to travel still, so no need to pat myself on the back just yet. There is still much to do.
I thank you for the compliment. I must say, though, that the true deserving one of compliments is froz. She has had the mountain of betrayal to climb and continues to climb it while I throw rocks at her, slowing her climb.
What I saw on Pep's thread was this.
I made a joke.
Froz made a difference.
That's how she is a miracle.
