I did not want to “threadjack” the original post with similar title; however the original title reminded me of a situation concerning a good friend of mine. She is experiencing a bit of a rough go over a relationship that has ended. Basically, this woman was in a bad marriage and tried for many years to keep the marriage and family together. Her ex was a disrespectful man who treated her poorly and the marriage finally came to an end upon his refusal to end an affair. (He is now married to affair-partner.)

My friend met and fell in love with a man well after the separation but before the divorce was final. (Something she regrets to this day.) This man treated her very well, much differently than her ex ever treated her - and she was somewhat "swept off her feet" by his attention. However my friend was also dealing with the normal emotions of the reality surrounding her failed marriage, picking up the pieces with her two daughters, and becoming single again. (She'd married at a young age and her ex was really the "only" man she'd ever had a LTR with.) Due to the issues surrounding her divorce; she "withdrew" from the man a few times; which affected his feelings toward her. (Note: He made it clear to her that he was looking for a wife and was prepared to get married.) If memory serves me correctly - she "withdrew" 2-3 times and each time would eventually go back to him. [This relationship lasted several months.] After the last withdrawal; he found another woman within just a couple of weeks and it appears that they are now very serious.

The problem is: My friend feels that he is the one that got away. (Or "the one that she let get away"!)

She's talked often about this situation and it has affected her deeply. My friend is a fine, beautiful, sensitive and considerate woman. And I feel she truly loves/loved this man however she was simply not emotionally healed enough from the dynamics of post-divorce issues to move into another deep LTR. I also feel that she did not "really" know the new fella and got caught up in the rush of emotions from finally being treated as a man should treat a woman and became a bit overwhelmed. She has since shared with me that he was a bit "smothering". Other conversations lead me to believe that he may have some jealousy issues as well. (My opinion only!)

At any rate: She's feeling that letting him go was a major mistake, and I'm telling her that she should consider the fact that she didn't "really know" this man. I don't doubt that he cared very much for my friend, however I'm unsure if they were as good a "match" as my friend is feeling. What bothered me is the fact that he "smothered" her at times and the fact that he fell in love with another so quickly also throws up a red flag to me. I've explained to her that she is basing her thoughts on the "romantic" first few months of their relationship, that there is no way she could really know him (and vice-versa). She keeps saying that he treated her so well; "like no man has ever treated me before". And she's missing this attention/feelings, etc.

I'm telling her that it sounds like her xbf wants a "relationship" first - and who the relationship is with; is secondary. That she deserves to be with someone who wants to be with "her" first, with hopes that the two of them will develop a relationship. [I feel that he should've better understood that my friend was dealing with post-divorce issues and helped her deal with those issues. Then once she'd gone through the healing process; they could've focused on their relationship. It's my opinion that even if this took a year or more - if he loved her enough - it would've been worth the wait.] However because it was a "relationship" that was most imporant to him - he moved on to another woman.

So please offer input for my friend - and for me. Note: My friend occasionally lurks on here and I will also talk with her about answers and comments posted on here. Thanks.

FR

Hmm. He sounds like so many I've heard of. We wanted to get married. For some of us, that urge to settle down resulted in disaster.

I also know how your friend feels about "the one who got away." LOL. Mine were all a long time ago, but it took a while for me to realize that they didn't get away. We both self-selected out for our own reasons.

In your friend's case, he decided he want serious NOW and she wasn't worth waiting for. She in turn may have been pulling away for reasons besides her divorce, like he felt smothering, he was pushing too hard, he was possessive, he felt intrusive.

I also believe sometimes when "the timing is wrong" is wrong because we're being saved from some long-term pain.

I'm with you on this one. I think he was looking to get married, more than to be with a specific person. He finds another woman within 2 weeks?! He sounded too intense, way too soon. If he really cared about your friend than why wouldn't he give her more time to heal, as you noted?


I could be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy off base, but when I read about his behaviors, it resembles many of the early characteristics of abusive men. They turn on this amazing amount of charm. They are there to meet your every need...and then some. But, after awhile it feels smothering. And some jealousy starts to show itself. And when you don't do things according to their needs and their time frames they get upset. Abuse is about power and control. If the abuser feels like their control over you is being threatened, they can become very possessive of you.

Often if you get married, their desire to control you intensifies. They don't want to share you with anyone else. They don't want you around anyone who might have negative ideas about them.

Most of us have this idea that these type of people would be real obvious in the world. They're not. I have worked in domestic violence. I typically worked with the wives. One day, however, I sat in a group for abusive husbands. Handsome men dressed in business suits, charasmatic charmers, blue collar, white collar, ugly, meek and mild appearing..large builds, small builds... There was no one "type". I scared myself because I found myself attracted to one guy. And I knew he was abusive!!

As I said, I could be totally off base. But those were some red flags that popped up for me.

[color:"blue"] I agree with heartmending about the fact that a red flag for an abusive guy is a relationship that intensifies very quickly into full blown all out want to get hitched love. Or not necessarily hitched but joined at the hip or living together.

Within a couple months of dating my ex wanted to move in together - contrast that with my new beau who after 16 months of dating is moving toward not wanting to be apart all the time like we are now.

For the courtship, it was huge bouquets (3 dozen roses look like a frikkin bush - I'm telling you!), concerts, dinners, meeting for lunch daily, all very intense and very fast paced charm.

I feel frustrated by my beau's slower courtship at times, having been treated with such intensity in the past. It has at times seemed as though he did not care with the same intensity, but over time true feelings have developed and intensified and show in our mutual grief at not being able to be together all the time.

Your friend should not feel badly about "the one that got away". Someone IMHO ready to jump into another intense relationship within two weeks of getting out of one has not the depth needed to go the distance.

V. [/color]

I just broke up with my bf of three months. It's been three weeks and I still don't have the heart to get back into the dating scene.
I promptly put my ad back up on the web, and have had hits, but am just not ready. It wouldn't be fair to the guy, or me. I'm still healing... so, if that guy was just able to jump right back out there, I wonder how much he cared. Sounds to me like SHE's the one HE let get away!
I feel for her... hope she sees it soon!

Many common thoughts here. Thanks for posting. My friend has probably read your responses and will get back to me with her point of view.

FR