H & I are separated for almost five years already due to several reasons- lack of emotional support, bad temperaments & violence were the main reason I left him. I brought my adopted daughter with me and we are living by ourselves since then with no financial support from H.

Unfortunately, I made wrong choices. I had a EA turned PA during the early year of separation; it was ended more than two years ago. My A hindered reconciliation with H during that time. And though it was over- I still regret what I've done. The OM is married to my relative. That is the main reason why I can't come clean with my family about it.

On the other hand, early this year, I discovered that my H is having an A with one of my staff. They had one daughter even before our separation and another one daughter few years after. He bought them a house & lot. And of course provide for their needs. We are working overseas so he only spent time with the OW and OC during his vacations, usually during winter, just in time for the holidays.

I confronted him about it last March. He denied it at first but I got copies of birth certificates so he admitted it eventually. Right there and then, he told me that should I agree to reconcile with him, he will leave the OW & OCs right away. But I chose to stay separated. He ended up going home to OW.

OW was a friend of mine. She was one of my favorite staff. She was homeless and we took her in our home for several months- and her A with my H started during that time. That was almost eight years ago. They continued calling each other until H & I separated. Having been in their situation-I understand them and have already forgiven them. Though, they don't ask for it. I haven't talk to the OW yet. She knew that I already know of the A.

In fairness to my H- he keeps on asking for reconciliation since we separated. Though I don't feel the sincerity. When he learned that we are leaving for good for me to work in another state- he became more persistent. My decision to work in a different state is to purposely get away from him. He really cried, as if my daughter and I are dying, knowing that we will be thousand of miles away from him.He realized more than ever that he doesn't want to lose us. He opened up to me, he is telling me how much he loves us and he really want to save the marriage.

My daughter and I planned a day with him. We went swimming and had dinner together. I suddenly felt how I missed "family time" like that which we were not able to do for the last five years. He kissed me and touched me... surprisingly I allowed him... again for the first time in five years. Maybe I still love him... I don't know... though sometimes I am still afraid of him... knowing his bad temperament...

Now, my dear friends in MB, what do you think should I reconcile with H or stay separated?

Thank you...

Not knowing all the detailed history I would say one important point is the violence & bad temper...what has he done about it? Been to treatment? Gone through courses?
The last thing you would want is to walk back into that.

Overall sit, why dont you date and let him win you back if he can..but he obviously has to have NC with OW except for OC support which IS his responsibility & duty to the the children.

I would caution you to go slowly and see if he has changed and can meet your needs & make you & your DD feel safe.

Perhaps some professional advice is required here.

AW

This man is not your husband.

He is a bully who likes having two wives (if not more) and likes controlling them through fear of his temper.

Do you like being part of a harem? Part of a polygamous marriage? Because that's what you are in.

This sounds like a very, very bad situation. He is what he is and you are not going to be able to change him.

It sounds like you are already on your own and supporting yourself and your daughter. Good. Now make it legal and get the divorce so he will never have any claim on your daughter.

My advice is to stay far far away from this man and find someone who will want to love and respect you as a husband loves and respects a wife.

The man you describe will never, ever do that -- not with you and not with anyone else.
Mulan

Am I right in thínking that your H and the OW have two biological children together? And that your daughter is not your H's biological child?

I'm going to assume that this is the case...

First, your H has a responsibility to the children he has fathered. Would you want a man who fails to provide for children he has created? (And I have no idea what his responsibilities are viz-a-viz your adopted daughter). This means that he needs to have some kind of continuing relationship with the OW. That's a really tough and messy situation for the wife. Would you be prepared to handle that?

Second, what reason do you have to believe that the problems with your H's behaviour that made you leave him, have got better? Has he been in any kind of therapy? Has he examined the issues that made him behave this way? What makes you think your marriage would work any better now?

Thirdly, what makes you want to reconcile? Do you have any motivation other than the feelings engendered by a moment of seductive closeness?

TA

Hi Aussie,

Thank you for your reply. There was no treatment made for his violence and bad temper yet... which is one of my worries. Yes, you are rigth, I should go on slowly and see if he has changed.

While we are discussing about reconciliation last August, I requested him to stop calling OW. I asked him about that this month and he admitted that he called her a few times since then. I expected it...

~someoneoutthere~

Hi Mulan,


Hi Mulan,

Sometimes I really think he is not my husband- especially for not being there when I needed him the most. Actually, we survived without his help for almost five years. My daughter and I are living in peace right now. I fear that I will lose that peace of mind should I go back to the marriage. I have told him that many times whenever we talked about reconciliation. It hurts him to hear that, I know.

Thanks,
~someoneount_there~

Hi TA,

"Am I right in thínking that your H and the OW have two biological children together? And that your daughter is not your H's biological child?"

Yes, they have two biological daughters in eight years affair. We have one adopted daughter. In this case, I am the one who is having an infertility problem. Though it wasn't figured out by my OB.

I'm going to assume that this is the case...

"First, your H has a responsibility to the children he has fathered. Would you want a man who fails to provide for children he has created? (And I have no idea what his responsibilities are viz-a-viz your adopted daughter). This means that he needs to have some kind of continuing relationship with the OW. That's a really tough and messy situation for the wife. Would you be prepared to handle that?"

That is a question I've been asking myself since I knew about the OCs. Most of the time my answer is to let H & OW raised them together- and my daughter and I will stay out of the picture. To make it plain and simple. But also it won't be hard for me to take care or support other people if necessary- maybe even OCs... though it hurts.

"Second, what reason do you have to believe that the problems with your H's behaviour that made you leave him, have got better?"

No, I don't think it got better.

"Has he been in any kind of therapy?"

No.


"Has he examined the issues that made him behave this way?"

No.


"What makes you think your marriage would work any better now?"

No, I don't think the marriage would work any better now unless there will be changes in both of us.

"Thirdly, what makes you want to reconcile? Do you have any motivation other than the feelings engendered by a moment of seductive closeness?"

I am asking myself the same question- what is the reason to go back to the marriage? Maybe experienced friends here at MB can help me to figure it out. My daughter and I can live without him. I mean we are not miserable.

Maybe because I did the same thing and he is willing to take me back as I am. (Though, when he is mad he call me names for doing such.) You see, he has double standard here- it's okay for men to have an A but not for women. He's in mid-50s do you think he will ever change his notions about that?

Is it ego/pride to lose him over my friend? Right now, the only last thing that they could do is to get married should H agreed to divorce. The last pain for me to see... if ever... We were married for 10 years prior to separation five years ago.

When I found out about their A, I still cried. But at the same time it helps me to understand our situation much better. Why our marriage turns bad to the point of separation and making us made poor choices and have sinned in the process. I was in my late 30's then.

Thanks TA for your questions- it makes me think more...

In my prayers, I always ask God- what does He wants me to do? What is the right thing to do in our situation?

~someoneout_there~

I have another question- do you think filing for a divorce will make things right? I know this is a wrong question. I'm sorry. But I don't know what is right for us anymore. I just think that by doing so, he can marry the OW and they will not be living in sin anymore. They will live legally as family with their two children. Though, husband says it is not his intention to do should we divorce. But I know the OW is just waiting for it to happen.

Thank you for your thoughts...
~someoneout_there~