I have been off and on here the past few days. I don't think people are understanding me or where I'm coming from and/or I'm just not communicating well. I did not get off here because I didn't gain "sympathy" as some of you have said. I came here for advice and to try to figure out what is it that makes me want to do this. I'm sorry if there are those of you out there who think that I'm trash but I'm not and I don't think there's a lot of people that understand where I'm coming from. Incidentally, a lot the remarks that I got such as ......"You're not taking advice and you're not really interested in changing and so on and so forth" are a lot of the comments that my family have been telling me all my life. I also do not think that the "christian" people on here (and I'm not mentioning any names here)understand where I'm coming from either. I grew up in a family of born-again christians, I got saved when I was 15 and have struggled with all of these issues all my life. Just because I got saved does NOT mean that I now am "fixed" somehow and I won't repeat these patterns that I have. And I'm sure for those of you who are of the faith I am you understand about "sins of the father" and generational curses and so on and so forth. Maybe you don't believe in that stuff and that's fine but I do. I'm sure that it's easy for you to sit there and say that BPD is bs and that I'm just "spiritually sick" and that's ok too but I do know that God puts people in our path to help us and so with that I think perhaps a good IC (christian) and/or a (christian) psychiatrist might be able to help. Yes, it is somewhat spiritual that I will agree but all of this is not just BPD bs and it's not all spiritual either. I also just want to point out that the things about my family I found out through a support group from church support group called "Making Peace With Your Past". This group is to discover things in your past and your family of origin that may contribute to what is going on in your life now. I'm sorry that some of you think I'm "blaming" them. I'm not. I understand that they didnt force me to choose to do these things. So for those of you saying that I'm "blaming" them for my behavior is not correct. I'm holding them "accountable" for what they did. There's a difference. I know that I have to now take responsibility and work through all of these issues. I am working through some of my issues but the infidelity issue is just a by-product of all the other issues I have. The people on this forum only see one side of the story. You don't see what I'm doing to help myself so because I don't post that I'm doing A,B and C you think that I'm not taking advice? I'm not quite understanding that. There were others that were just downright nasty to me for whatever reason and then there were others that really helped me. I am not trash. I'm tired of people treating me like that and putting me down. That is why I got off of here. Not because I am not taking advice, didn't get the sympathy I wanted, or whatever reason.... I have had to deal with hurtful things that have been said all my life. Until I am stronger it is hard for me to deal with the notion of being put down, treated like trash and dismissed. I need to heal and I can't do that if I'm hearing nasty, negative, hurtful things. I can't get into specifics on here...those people who did that know who they are. Again, I appreciate all the constructive advice that I received and not all of it was bad, in fact, it was very helpful. My husband is going to read all of my last thread. Perhaps he will be inclined to post as well. He understands where I'm coming from somewhat. It is hard for strangers to understand.

SC,

I hear you, accepting Christ doesn't immediately fix you. I'm 40 years old and am still a work in progress.

I sin everyday, and I don't believe that it's my place to say my sins or your sins are worse.

I hope you will allow me to share the way I, and I'm pretty sure many other people, see many of the things you are saying.

You have a great deal of insight when you go down the path of not communicating well. The truth is, when you bring up all these other factors, it muddies the message.

Your other thread is about knowing what to do, right? Well I'm going to ask a tough pointed question.

What does all that other stuff matter when it comes to the questior or answer to what to do?

It's a distraction, a place for people to become judgmental, it looks like you are hiding from this side of the conversation, or blameshifting. That may not be your message, but many are hearing that.

Let me share something else, dissent is not hatred. Actually, I believe one of the cruelest things a person can do is to say nothing, or worse, say they agree with you, when inside they are saying, what the heck is SC thinking doing that.

People who really care about you will often tell the ugly truth. Others who don't care, or are shallow will allow the pretty lie to flourish.

Yes, there are mean people too, who use the truth as a weapon. However, I think you will find most here are not wielding truth as a weapon, but instead as a surgeons knife, cutting away that which destroys and kills.

We all struggle, each and every one of us. Anyone who says they don't is lying. I struggle everyday, face temptation. Somedays, with God's grace I win, somedays the Devil wins. If you ask any believer, they will say the same thing.

I could go on and on about how my father abandoned me, my mother was never there, etc. But those are excuses, and I refuse to blame them, or hold them accountable for what I'm doing today. When you bring them up, it clouds your message.

Yes, I agree, it's a communication issue. So here is my unsolicited advice. If you want help, deal solely with what YOU are doing, feeling, thinking, etc. Leave out what your H, kids, parents, neighbors or pastor is doing for the most part right now.

And since we've suggest NO CONTACT with the OM, he doesn't even matter to us, so his actions are irrelevent if you are doing your part.

The only person you have control of, and the only one we are conversing with is you.

I guarantee, there will be a lot less confusion for everyone if we stay on topic.

I believe you know what the right thing to do is, the question is, how do you plan to proceed?

T

Glad you are still here, posting away.

I do wish you would look into trying some meds. I think that would be a good start.

My step-daughter has BP. She was a perfect little girl until she hit 12. She had excellent grades, was active in sports, the choir, and church. Last Halloween her dad found her on the golf course having sex with a 38 year old man who she met on-line. It turns out he was the third one.

That disease really scares me. You and your husband are in my prayers.

Dear Confused Ex-Husband:

So you're not a believer in the "sins of the father" or generational curses? These problems that I have are due to my family. I'm not sure of all the scriptures but I have heard this topic being preached on. I don't want to get into a scripture debate on this topic at this time because it deviates from the point I'm trying to make. Again, I'm NOT blaming my family and I'm NOT saying they made me do this stuff what I AM saying is that my Infedility IS a by-product of all the other stuff. Have you read the book of Hosea? That's basically my story. God told my husband to marry me. Why I have no earthly. There's another book out called "Redeeming Love" by Francine Matthews. If you were to read that book I am the main character (in theory). I know most christians (my family included) don't understand the difference between blame and accountablity. That's fine if you don't. However, no one can deny that we are INFLUENCED by our families. You asked "What does all that other stuff matter when it comes to the questior or answer to what to do?". Well, it matters a lot. Let's look at it another way..... Step A, I tell OM to get lost, (ok that's good and it's a start but it doesn't solve the underlying problem to why I did it in the first place. A lot of the marriages on here the spouse strayed once and they work on the marriage.) Ok, let's look at it like this. Because of all my other problems I am doomed to repeat the pattern if I do not fix what is wrong. There is a guy by the name of Jack Frost (he's a christian speaker that tours the country)he talks about the fruit and the root. If you don't get rid of the root the fruit will keep coming back. Another good speaker out there is Joyce Meyers. Maybe you've heard of her also. She also talks about emotional healing and how our families influence us and why we might still be having trouble in our lives. I guess the reason behind me coming on here is to get some insight as to why I keep repeating the pattern. Again, infidelity is a by-product of all this stuff I'm dealing with. I need to find out what is making me repeat this pattern. Without this insight I can't change it. Yes, telling OM to take a hike is great and I understand the need for it but it's NOT going to solve the problem. It's a symptom of the problem. That's what I'm trying to explain to you. If people on here read that and don't get it that's fine. Unless you've walked in my shoes or (someone like me) then you probably aren't going to understand this. That's fine. I appreciate your help and your advice was helpful. Thanks!

People who really care about you will often tell the ugly truth. Others who don't care, or are shallow will allow the pretty lie to flourish.

Yes, that is true. But the scripture is to "speak the truth in love" and there are some of those on here that don't understand that concept.

I mentioned Jack Frost above

here's his website:

http://www.shilohplace.org/

Yes I have read the book of Hosea.

The first few chapters concentrate on what the prophet Hosea was told to do, marry an adultress. Very little is said about her other than she was an adultress, was unfaithful.

The thesis is not about her sin, but the story of redemption, it was a real life metaphor of how God chooses to redeem us from our sin/unfaithfulness to Him.

The Bible is not about our sinfulness. Our sin is mentioned, but only to underscore the true nature of God's love for us.

The Bible is to offer hope, that even though we sin, God loves us.

It is to offer encouragement, that we are to learn to love others, others who sin, even though we sin. We are to allow the Holy Spirit to show us how to love others, just as Christ loved us.

Sometimes, to speak the truth in love is to just be honest. God says there are things that He finds abominable. He doesn't [censored] foot around.

He wiped out entire cities. He wiped out the entire world save for Noah, his family and the creatures on the ark.

God loves you, but speaks plainly and will release His wrath.

I'd much rather endure the painful honesty of some well meaning Christians, even if it hurts than a nanosecond of God's wrath.

Wouldn't you?

Now this is the last I will be derailed. If you wish to discuss this with me any further, let's focus on what you are going to do.

The past is the past and we can not do anything about it.

I have read what you have to believe, so I hope you feel heard. I hope to feel heard about what I have written.

An excellent way to show me you hear me is to look forward to what you are going to do today, and only look back to learn what YOU did wrong so that you can prevent those things from happening again.

T

You repeat the pattern because you choose not to break it. YOU are the one who has the power to change...YOU are the one who makes the choices. YOU are the person who decides what to do...not anyone else.

All YOU have to do is to make the right choices (you already know what those are) and DO them.

You choose not to believe that it's that simple, but it really and truly is. I grew up in a bad environment...just like millions of other people. I've been in combat, I've lived on the streets homeless...trust me, regardless of your 'family history', it's all about YOU simply doing the right things.

I'm not judging you...I don't know you. But I'm telling you that you DO have the power to do the right things (and God is the source of that power and He gives YOU the chance to choose what to do).

Quit worrying about WHY. Quit worrying about what your family did or didn't do. Start worrying about doing the right things to take care of yourself, your family, and your marriage.

Guess what...do the right things long enough and they become habit...just like the bad things did.

It all starts with you DECIDING to change.

SC,

I think among other things you are not understanding something. This is a marriage building site. As such, the focus of most if not all of the advice is going to be focused on your marriage. Not your religion, nor issues you personally have, or those brought to you by your family. This site is NOT designed nor are the people here trained to address these issues. So when you say
You are saying that the issue is not so much your marriage now, nor is it THIS OM, it is other issues, which by definition we cannot address. So while you may be frustrated by the advice here, please understand it is advice about YOUR MARRIAGE NOW.

You won't save your marriage if you continue the affair. You won't address Bipolar issues without medication and good medical advice. You won't address your family issues until you seek good counseling.

You are welcome to post here but please understand that the advice you will get and should get is about your marriage now, and how to at least protect it long enough that the other help you need will indeed address your issues.

It seems to me that if you continue to abuse your H and your marriage while seeking the help you need on these other issues, when you get those issues addressed you may well have lost your marriage and done great damage to those closest to you.

Finally, one suggestion for you. Please use paragraphs, it is hard to read continous lines and keep ones eyes focusing.

Please think about what I have said.

God Bless,

JL

"You are saying that the issue is not so much your marriage now, nor is it THIS OM, it is other issues, which by definition we cannot address. So while you may be frustrated by the advice here, please understand it is advice about YOUR MARRIAGE NOW."

Exactly!!!! So I am getting off of this site for now until I finish working on my problems and then the marriage part whether or not I should stay married will come later. If I lose the marriage I lose the marriage but I will be a better whole person in the end and that's my goal. I just wanted to come back here and explain where I was coming from and I don't think people understood that. I appreciate the advice everyone gave me. Thanks!

SC,

PLEASE START TAKING YOUR MEDS!!!!!!

The meds will help a great deal in solving your problems.

Stay strong!

k