my husband and i hardly fight but when we do it is quick and UGLY. nasty, hurtful things are said by both of us. the outcome is my husband storms off, comes back later and usually doesn't want to talk depending on the severity of the fight. i find myself always apologizing asap because i hate conflict and want it to be over. i apologize even if i didn't do anything. well we had a really stupid fight two days ago, mean things were said and he still won't talk to me!!! not only did i apologize for what i said (which was just a ridiculous lashout!) but then yesterday i stressed and cried about it and talked to my friends all day about it. so i'm being punished STILL for something i said in anger when he said bad things too! i HATE that he is holding onto this. as you can tell it is day two and i'm still obsessing. i feel like he's taking advantage of my guilt and need for resolution. he's acting like he didn't do anything wrong. yesterday i found out that he deleted all the items on ebay i had been watching!!! CHILDISH (this is a 36 year old man by the way)! i also bought him a card as a last ditch effort. it's still sitting on my coffee table unopened. i did all i can do. HOW MUCH LONGER DO I HAVE TO PUNISHED!!

okay i see that 16 people have read my posts. i hope one of you will give me some adivce! i know it's a rather benign post compared to others but i really can't take the silent treatment from my husband. and he knows it!! i'm trying to go on with my day but i don't want to go through this one more day!

Tell us some history. Who had the A? Is the A over...etc?

Mclare,

I have experienced this with my husband as well. When we fight he storms off. He can say or do anything to me and I am suppossed to forgive him. However, I have to watch what I say because any little thing could send him away raging mad.

I think you are doing the right thing by addressing this problem before it becomes bigger.

I would read this website, especially the love busters section and empathy, try to determine and avoid any love busters you are doing. Also try to concentrate more on what is causing the fights. Perhaps you could get him to read some of the articles on the website.

Yes it is childish that he deleted your ebay items, but he is just trying to get you mad. Tell him how you feel and ask him what you could have done differently. but be careful and avoid the love busters.

i'm sorry. i realized after i posted that i'm on the wrong board! there is no affair going on. just control and guilt issues that plaque our marriage. and i'm tired of suffering for something i said out of anger when he did the same! i would NEVER punish my husband. i just want to get over it and move on!

dawn,

thanks. i have inherent guilt issues (thanks to my parents and a strict catholic upbringing!) he knows that and preys on it. but i've done all i can do, right? i mean i apologized and after that he told me that he didn't want to talk to me (big baby!) and then all day yesterday silent treatment. never opened the card i gave him. i give up!

mclare,

This going to sound so simple. You won't have to worry about guilt if you have nothing to feel guilty about. You won't have to apologize if you don't have anything to apologize for. It is really that simple, but it is not easy.

I would like to recommend that you read the articles on Love Busters on this site, and then avoid them. If your H is getting fired up over something simply leave. If he wants to debate, explain that you don't debate well and won't debate him because you don't want to say something YOU will regret and then leave.

If he pursues it explain that you will "discuss" anything with him, but you will NOT debate or argue about ANYTHING with him again. And then stick to it. As you do this he will get the message and you will have a lot less to apologize about.

Set your boundaries, be clear about them, and enforce them. You will be happier and so will he. Some must step up and since you are here and it is your guilt that is bothering you, address this issue yourself. You don't need your H's approval to change YOUR approach to that he does not get hurt.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL