FWH and I are nearly 2 weeks into reconcilliation after a brief seperation. His affair has ended and he is in NC. This is what I've wanted since DDay. We both feel we're doing well.

Everyone one of my friends and family is supportive of us. Perhaps more accurately they are able to put aside there own anger, prejudices and indeed concern to help make our transition into recovery easier. All that is except my mother. I find my time spent in IC increasingly speaking about her more than our marriage problems <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

She has some quite strong narcissistic parent characteristics which are coming to the fore big time. There's lots of heavy sarcasm, threats of getting revenge on FWH, guilt tripping me etc etc. She is potentially causing a big problem...if I let her. I'm learning how to deal with the dynamics of our relationship...I've learnt some pretty faulty behaviour patterns from her. I don't need to be dealing with an angry, self focused mother as well as my marital problems!!!

Of course the only peoples opinions that matter in this are mine and my H's. It's our marriage...no one elses.

What kind of reactions have you all had to your situations and how did you deal with them? Did you receive support or has it permantly ruined friendships and family ties?

Thankyou for your input.

Both of our families have been very supportive of us. Currently my H is half way around the world and wont be back until mid-Jan of 06. He's in the army. Anyways, my family has never said mean or nasty things about him they have been supportive of us and the decisions we have made so far. They have told me its our M and they dont want to get into the middle of things bc they have not seen this type of love in a very long time. Both me and my H are so happy about moving forward and getting past the horrible choice he made. We are more in love than ever before now and are just happy about working on our M.

Nothing happened as to our family or friends. It was a collective sigh of relief when they new that we had survived.

To be honest, most people are simply too busy with their only lives to worry much about someone else. I guess a doting mother could be the exception.

As you probably know, there is not a chance in h*ll of you changing your mother. So, this is all about you and how you react to her antics.

I had an abusive mother. I learned to ignore her, and, if she became too loud to be ignored, I left.

I want to take this question one step further...

Does it make sense to inform family members about the A months after NC and recovery underway?

Part of me thinks so because of the potential support and everyone looking after each other, but another part of me says it might open old wounds and cause problems. I imagine that if you see the progress that the BS/FWS are happy with then don't rock the boat.

My wife was seriously scared that my family would never forgive her for what she'd done and nearly done. (EA, almost flew away to live with OM even though they'd never met in person).

Her sister chewed her butt when she learned of the EA...told her she was a fool for doing what she was doing, but would always love and be there for her. Was and continues to be one of my staunchest supporters in keeping our marriage going.

My family let her know that they loved her regardless...and that they always would even if things didn't work out between her and I. And they've made it VERY clear to her that that hasn't changed one bit since it DID work out between us...they still love her just the same.

Thankfully, I never had to expose to my close friends or family since H immediately agreed to NC and became as transparent as glass. Frankly, Had I shared my pain with my sisters or best friend, I believe they would ahve a hard time dealing with H now and would always watch him with a jaundiced eye.

The effect on me of nondisclosure is that it magnified my personal pain because I had no one other than MC to talk to about it. I couldn't really let H see all the raw gaping pain all the time so I journaled quite a bit. That journal is hard to read because of the emotion it contains.

Thankfully, I am doing much better now.

I wish I had a positive story to share here, but I don't. I am the FWW and my H's family is more supportive of D than they are of renconciliation. His family won't talk to me. In fact, my own family isn't really talking to me right now either, but that is a different story.

Hi Willow,
Your responsibility here lies with DS and DD. If your Mom can't understand that you and your are H working on your marriage, and her supporting that for her grandbabies, then her exposure to your life right now should be limited.

I'm sure she means well, I'm sure she loves you and the grandbabies, and she is understandably angry at your FWH, but you cannot allow her to undermine your marriage at this fragile stage. Would a heart-to-heart over lunch, "Mom, I love you but I really want to try to make this work - I know you think I'm insane and going to get hurt again, but I really need & want your support. For your grandkids to maybe have a happy stable 2 parent home where they don't have to go visit Daddy on the weekends, can't you please try to forgive him for their sake? He's their Dad, they love him - if he is willing to try to do the right thing, can't you cut him a break?" - would it possibly have any positive effect???

HUGS, glad you're still posting - NTL

I received several verbally abusive phone calls from both of my parents and my sister. I also received a verbally abusive email from my father, which my 16 year old read because he wanted to know what made his mom cry.

Let's just say my oldest is now my greatest champion with my immediate family.

The support I received was from MBers and my friends. That was enough for me. Im still bitter about my family's reaction though.

The birth of our third child in June helped a bit. They are civil with my husband and are at least making an attempt to include him in family stuff. BUt I am thankful that right now we live several states away from them.

I didn't even tell my dad about my exWS and my attempt to reconcile. I knew he'd be furious. As it was, when I mentioned that my ex had bought some property I owned, my dad asked how he got the money. I should have told him I don't know, it was none of my business...or something. I told him that my ex was in a terrible motorcycle accident and received severe injuries. The money was some of his disability settlement. My dad's response: "It's too bad he didn't die."

My sister and mother were extremely angry at my H for what he did to me. And rightfully so. It causes family members enormous grief to see their loved ones mistreated. My DH didn't want to ever see them again. However, I insisted that I would not give up my family in order accommodate his fear of facing the consequences. NO CAN DO!

My H apologized to my mother and sister for the damage he caused to me and our family. That really softened them quite a bit and paved the way for healing. They really love him now and I am proud of him for facing them like a man.

I don't know if that would solve the problem with your mother [it sounds like she may have some other issues here] but in a normal case of anger that stems from adultery, it usually does the trick.

we have only one set of parents alive ..mine.

As the FWW I wasn't sure who was more angry, my parents or my loving H.

I didn't get the cold shoulder but I sure got some frequent quiet but intense advice about getting some help on issues which I should have done some years ago.

They were very supportive but didn't let me have a pity fest around them. Mum bless her heart dragged me to our MC/IC via one of my sisters. The whole crew has been great, not happy with my actions but did help me work my way through this mess I made.

I can say they are over the moon that we are working things out and so am I. I was very lucky that way.

Willow... my H did was MelodyLane said and went to my mom & dad and apologized. That worked well to smooth things over, they were all crying, I wasn't there...

Until the relapse. Then they felt as lied to as I did. All the tears and apologizes, and then he goes & does it again...

But things are better now, he didn't really go back to them after the 2nd time, what was there really to say? But my family, though hurt and this has been hard for them, are very supportive of us being a family again.

NTL