Me again...

Please forgive me with so many questions, but it seems as I move along in this process, new issues arise on a daily basis and I'd like some feedback if possible.

Latest issue: I have checked the cell phone records on my W's phone (in my name. we have a family plan) and sure enough, she has been calling OM to the tune of 21 times during the past month.

Originally at the start of Sept she agreed to cut all ties with OM. Said it would take a call or two. I suspected that more call were made and checked her calls last night on her phone which revealed a call to OM just yesterday. That prompted me to check the last bill in detail.

Moving forward. Talked to MC at noon and gave him the information. At that point he asked me if I had called OM! I said you had told me way back not to call OM that it would do no good. He said now it might not be a bad thing as long as I could keep my cool. Believe me, I have run this thing through my head a number of times and will have no problem keeping my cool. Actually blowing up at him or threatening him will only provoke him. If I can keep my cool with my W, I will have no problem with the OM since I already have no respect for the slug. So yelling at him will serve no purpose.

At this point I could care less if he listens or not, or if he tells my W that I called. I would simply like to remind him exactly what he is doing. Yeah, like he already doesn't know, since the same thing happened to him 5 years ago.

Anyway, does anyone have an opinion or history of contacting the OM or OW. Good, bad, or indifferent? Mind you, this is not the type of call where I have to get this off my chest, but a little man to man chat might be in order. Of course he will probably laugh it off, but at this point I have nothing to loose and seeing that my MC suggested it, when the W finds out I called OM, I can at least say that it was done with the MC's blessing. She can then take it up with MC!

BTW, W called right after talking to MC. I told her that cell phone bill was over again and that I investigated to see who was going over. Said we have to talk tonight becasue of her calls. She says, "Did I go over my time?" I replied, "No, we have to talk about the calls you are making to TX!" "You know, I thought we were beyond that, but I guess not." She replied, "Yea, we can talk about it tonight." She acted like it was no big deal!


thanks again,

john

There are varied responses to this question. Usually not of any much value though in my opinion. The OM knows what he is doing to you and your family/marriage. It is your WW who needs the "talking to". She doesn't "get it"....obviously.

Focus your energy on the principles here that break up the affair......

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I have spoken to the OW in my situation. Like LM said, they know who they are and what they are doing.

John,

Sorry, I am not familiar with your sitch, so forgive me if I ask a question which you have previously answered. Is OM married? If he is, then you might be better off talking to his wife.

Otherwise, unless he doesn't know that your WW is married, I can't see it actually benefiting you. Agree with Lem, it is your WW that needs to be talked to.

First off... don't apologize because that's why we are all here. Ask all the questions you want.



LM is right. Contacting the OM is usually pointless because they know what they are doing. Plus, just because you can keep your cool doesn't mean he won't take anything you say as not being aggressive.

Generally, the only time the OM is contacted would be through other people asking what he is doing after exposure is made. If your W is still calling then you need to consider exposure. Try to collect as many facts as possible.

Expect your WW to be very p!ssed if you do exposure. You'll hear this often, but your marriage can survive your WW being angry but it can NEVER survive an ongoing A.

Don't stop asking questions. There are some great people here that have survived some of the worst imaginable situations.

The only reason to call is to make sure the OM knows your W is married. Sometimes they do not.

I confronted the OM who happened to be married with children and it did no good. I'm in plan b so to speak and so is the OMW. 2 Familes are now broken apart. So contacting the OM did not prevent anything.

However, it did show me what kind of character he had and to give him a face to recognize. He was not able to face me and ran when I came to see him. All I could see was a coward and a selfish low life. Unfortunately, there are 2 of them.

whome,

The OM is not married. He is divorceed (5 years). Claims to my wife that he was in an abusive M where his W was the abuser. Possible, but I've seen the stats that state in these cases, about 85 percent of these violent wives are so becasue of previous violence from the H! Wife is taking it hook, line and sinker!

He knows W is married and according to my W, has stated that he knows it is wrong and feels for me since he went through the same thing. Hah! What a crock of crap. Yea, crying on my wife's shoulder being the ever compasionate one! My W is just loving this poor soul.

Anyway, there are other issues here at play. Since my W and myself are in the Christian world, called believers, we are also held to strickter standards, such as living our lives according the the Good Book.

Given that, of course the OM has stated to the W that he to is this type of a "believer". Again, right? What spiritually minded person would steal anothers spouse?

Anyway, since we are receiving Biblical counseling, my MC has given me the go ahead based upon Scirpture and how to handle those who are offending you. To be more precise, Matthew chapter 18, verses 15-17. 3 stages of discipline and my wife is aware of all of them. MC says that I should approach OM on same plane and give him my offense. And then leave it at that. I will have done my part based upon Biblical principles, and not based upon my own selfish desires.

I realize deep down that this will not really do anything. I guess there is a part of me and I'm sure most people in the same position want to give the other a piece of their mind, but maybe this is for my own sanity. I doubt it will do a thing, but it might make me feel better, and right now, I don't feel to good.

Of course, this action would only happen if after talking to my wife tonight, she blows off the repeated calls to OM like no big deal. If that is her approach, then I'm sure at our next counseling session, my MC will move forward with stage 2 regarding Biblical discipline, which in effect ends all counseling until the offending party "repents" completely and fully and is able to demonstrate it. If that fails to clear the fog then it is on to stage 3 and excommunication from our church which involves exposure to the entire congregation. Note that she has already been exposed to her family, and many friends, but seeing that we are new to our geographical area, all our friends are basically back home with the exception of our church friends. None of these friends know the current situation.

Of course, if it reaches the stage 3 point, I will enact the Plan B letter and move on.

Right now, my MC is preparing for stage 2 and I am preparing for administering Plan B.

thanks for the input,

john

It would look like you understand plan a & b. Try plan A for a while then if it doesn't work go to plan b.

I would think, and some will disagree, it might be a good idea to contact him. Go ahead and blow some steam off. I sure did. Didn't do me any good but in some cases I believe it might. The OM has to know that someone is pissed at him. He may not understand that right now. Help build his quilty conscience if he has one. Call him everything in the book.

I was happy I contacted the OM. I now know what a pathetic individual he is. He was probably a good man at one time and some day he might be again but right now he is a low life leaving his W and kids.

You know it would be good to hear from some former WS on their opinion. See it from their perspective. They would know best in this situation.

I knew the OW in my case, but when I ran into her with my Wh shopping, right there and then, she wasn't worth my time to talked to or look at. All I did was look her in the eyes and then told my Wh "How could You" and walked away, as he was calling me "Sweatheart".

I just remember the fear in her eyes, but I just ignored her, she knows exactly what she has done. I always thought if I ever see her again, I would punch her lights out, (which I told my Wh I would and he probably relayed that message to her) but when that moment happen, I decided she was not worth it. But the fear in her eyes not knowing what would happen was little gratifying.

The OP is not worth it. The only reason I can see to have contact with them, if they don't know the person they are having an affair with is a married person.

John,

Wow, your wife and I must be one in the same. I agreed to NC and then I ended up calling the OM (who also happens to be in TX) and my H found out by looking through the cell phone bill.

If she is still talking to him, then I really don't think you calling him would be a good idea. Part of her is clearly still attached to the OM and I honestly think that you talking to him would do more harm than good to your R. Yes, it might make you feel a whole lot better, but it will do nothing for your M.

After my H found out that I had been calling the OM, he told me that he called the number and said some choice words to him and I was so upset. Of course, my H was actually lying and I knew it because the OM is in the Marines and can only get calls on the weekend.

So in answer to your question, I don't think it would be a good idea to contact the OM.

6 of one, 1/2 dozen of the other...I vote, call him. In your situation the benefits outweigh the risks.

I like your built in excuse that the MC asked you to do it. Stick to that terminology and the line that you are "fighting" for your marriage and/or what would she do if the situations were reversed. Indicate that in the end, no matter what happens, you want her to be proud to call her your husband or even X-husband. FWW's appreciate strength and conviction.

BTW, my wife's affair ended when OM broke things off with my wife. Part of what drove him over the top was how hard I was fighting for my marriage. He really felt bad when when my wife told him she found me on my knees praying for us right after an argument about OM. Just like your OM, his wife had divorced him about 9 months prior to the affair due to an affair. He knew how I felt. He could handle things when it was all a secret, he didn't know me from Adam, he was being fed how aweful I was by WW and I was working long hours. But the emotions after D-day and my constant presence and interference took there intended toll on his end and he ended it. He was single and far away (750 miles) so it was easy for him to move on to other available opportunities (in fact the affair ended in June, 2005 and he got married to another woman in August, 2005).

I think you have a great attitude about the intended conversation. Calling him out biblically is alright. Keep it short and to the point. To counteract what fogged out WW is telling him, perhaps let him know you love your wife and you are going to do everything possible to save your marriage. Tell him whether it's today, tomorrow or next week, man to man, you would appreciate him backing off. If the conversation prolongs itself as I have seen sometimes happening on these boards be sure to discuss what his own WW had said to everyone about him during her affair and divorce. Sympathize how bad he must have felt about her lies then flip it back to you indicating that you are sure your WW has really re-written your marital history and lied to him. He may relate and eventually have an lightbulb moment. Of course, this is best case scenario crap. Please do not expect to much from this call. Just pray you can touch a nerve.

As you know most affairs do not result in divorce. You will make it, most likely with your marriage intact, but either way, you will make it.

Mr. Wondering

The affair in my situation ended the very day I called the OW. Sure, she knew my H was married, but he had lied to her and said we were "seperated." As long as you can control yourself, I see no reason why not. In fact, Steve Harley once counseled a member to visit the OM in person! He told him to approach him and ask him what his intentions were for his W. It scared the ****** out of the OM when he was able to see a real, living breathing person instead of the nutjob she had portrayed. I say do it. You might not get anything out of it, but it can't hurt.