Hi, I am new to the forum. I am hoping to meet people here for friendship and support through this difficult time in life.
I found out my H was having an A with a woman he works with on Aug, 20, 05.
We have been married 10 years, Our anniversary was just last week, Oct.6th. We have 2 children together, 6 & 9, and I have 2 children from a prior relationship, 14 & 16.
I am 41 and my H is 33. The age difference has never been a huge deal to us other than something we laugh about sometimes, However, I have become more troubled by it in the past 2 years because I have tired of being the one in our marriage who is responsible for the majority of responsibilities.
D-Day came as a result of My H"s lie about his where abouts. A week prior to my being told about the A, he made up an elaborate story of how he was going night fishing with the guys after work (he works 2nd shift, 4-12) and that he would be home around 8 am. I was not happy about his plan to go fishing as it was the weekend of his Birthday and we only see each other on Saturdays and Sundays due to our opposite work schedules. But I figured it was his B-day weekend and if going out fishing would make him happy so be it. I was happy that he was making friends where he worked as he has a hard time making friends and doing things with other people, he had only been working for this company for 4 months.
The one thing in my marriage I had always believed in was my H's fidelity.
On Saturday morning he did not make it home by 8 am. He finally walked in the door at 2 pm and as I walked to the door to greet him I was trying my best to keep my anger in check. I was suspicious that he had been drinking as he is a recovering alcholic. He was disheveled and tired looking so I thought that he would tell me that he had been drinking and that was why he was home so late. I told him we needed to talk and that he was the one who needed to do the talking. I told him I wanted 100% honesty. He said "you want honesty? Ok, here it is... I have met some one else..." From there I felt like I was in a surreal movie of the week.
I called friends and had them pick up the kids and after that we proceeded to hash out the details.
He says he had started this as a friendship, talking, taking breaks together. How it progressed from there I do not know the details and don't think I want to. He says they have only slept together a few times.... once is enough as far as I am concerned.
Our relationship has been through the ringer for many years. We have had so many stressful events and this year started out with no exception. He lost a perfect job as maintence & set up supervisor at our church. He got drunk on the communion wine , blacked out and made some huge mistakes! They fired him and he was out of work for 2 months. During that time, from January 21st till April when he got the new job, we went through emotional ******. I did everything I could to help him find work, get him his drivers lisence back, go to interviews, run our houshold, and job search for myself. I have been a stay home Mom for all these years and only worked seasonaly for a flower shop. I started my new job at the end of April and we both were able to put in over time. I thought we were both on the same page as to our financial goals and just doing what we had to to get back on our feet. But as the summer started and the kids were out of school, I started to see a definite change in our relationship.
H would focus all his attention on the children for playtime while he was home. He'd leave for work before I got home and we'd not see or talk to each other for 5 days at a time. He would sleep on the sofa at night instead of our bed so as not to wake me when he got home from work.
He did nothing I would ask to help out with chores and our home became so chaotic. The more I would try to ask for help the more he with drew and the more my TAKER became upset. We started to totally avoid each other and on weekends he started to "work over time" (not). I stayed later at work even to avoid seeing him if he did stay home.
Around July I had even started to contemplate having an affair with a man who was paying me attention. But the closer my conversations with this man got the more I became aware that I had to try to save my marriage and that I could not hurt my husband this way. I believed in HIS integrity so much that HE would not cheat on me. For a few weeks I tried to get home early to see him before he went to work so I could try to talk to him about our situation. Every time I tried to get his undivided attention he would keep busy and say "just talk, I can do 2 things at once" I would get frustratd and tell him NO I will wait for a better time.
One day I had finally had it and cornered him before he left for work. I told him I was worried about us and we HAD to talk. I asked him if he was drinking again, because I was suspicious about his odd behaivior lately, he said no. I told him I really felt we needed to open our communication back up and try harder to make time for each other, that the way we were going was destroying us. He agreed. Then I asked him "I know this is crazy, but are you having an affair?" To which he laughed and replied "Now you know me better than that" I said "I know but I had to ask, you have been acting so strange" THEN I told him I needed to confess that I had almost considered having one myself. He was very quiet and serious suddenly and I thought he was going to get mad. Instead he said that he would understand because of how we have been getting along. I was shocked by his "empathy" and grateful. We then kissed and "made up" and I thought we were on the road to re building the mess we were in.
But then 2 weeks later I learned the truth.
The first week was the most agonizing ****** I have ever been through. My first reaction was to thow him out. The day he told me I went back and forth for 8 hours from begging him to stay and pleading with him to telling him to leave and never come back. He said his only concern was for our children and he wanted to stay only for them. I told him I would not allow him to live here and continue his A, that if he stays he will go to counseling and make an honest attempt at recovery. He agreed to that and to end the A the next day when he saw the OW at work.
I felt as though I was walking on egg shells for the next week. I did not sleep or eat for 4 days and was starting to fall appart in front of him. He expressed his concern for me and we did start meager attempts at communication but I could see his words and actions were only to pacify me and try to help me from having a complete break down. All our communication was strained and difficult like we were strangers, and I was this new enemy.
We found a counselor at a clinic that by coincidence he went to for Alcohol treatment. I started to get some sleep and that got me to a place where I could think straight again and I decided to focus all my energy towards saving my marriage and making it what I always wanted it to be. My H even saw a change in me that some how started to draw him to me in a more intimate and emotional way.
We started a journal together and write back and forth, mostly as love and hope letters. Sometimes questions to each other. We were able to break the wall between us in our sex life and our Lovemaking has been better than it ever has been in our 12 years of being together.
The first month was like a honeymoon. He was the man I fell in love with and we were like a new couple, talking and sharing like we never had before. Sometimes I felt like I was the one he was having the affair with....Hmmmm.
Then around the end of September He asked me the craziest thing. He wanted to know how I would feel if he hooked up the other woman with his BEST FRIEND? OMG! I was in shock all over again! He said that because she has trouble with trusting men and she trusts him and he has said such wonderful things about our friend (best man at our wedding) could he set her up with him so she would have a date by the time they have the company christmas party?
H said that they would only do this if I was ok with it! I don't know how they could even concieve that this was appropriate! To be the open mindedd and strong woman that I am and trying to prove to the world I am, I actually said I would consider it, but only if I could meet this woman first. Of course she did not go for that Idea and said we can wait till the christmas party for that! (lol)
Well for 3 days I agonized over this request and finally after talking to our friend decided I was not going for this. But the next day when I talked to my H he told me he had already given the OW our friends #. I was furious!
I wrote to him about how this was such a blatant slap in the face and that it even upsets me that he and she were still socializing together at work and that is a betrayal to me as it is. That she would feel close enough to him still to even ask this, to insert herself into our lives even more was incomprehensible! Even though our counselor and I have told H that he needs to end all communication with the OW for us to beable to recover, he hasn't .
H did appologize to me and said he understood. In fact anytime I ever raise a concern or a trust issue with him he is very "understanding". To a point.
So 2 weeks ago H got called into work on the weekend. We had planned that if this were to happen I would go with him so I could see where he works and see what he does there. On the way there though he tells me that she will be there also. I am thinking GOOD, I can finally see this person face to face. How awkward and intriguing at the same time!
Now I also forgot to mention that during the first week I found out about this, I hacked into my husbands email and found 4 letters from her on his B-day. One which had a scantilly clad piture of her (oh joy!) So I had a good idea what I would see, or so I thought. I also wrote her an email, from my husbands account telling her that I loved my H and had NO intent to divorce him. That it was not my place to judge her but what kind of woman knowingly pursues and F*'s a married man with small children? And that it was extremely wrong of her to insert herself into our lives and problems and make them worse, even though My husband was responsible for making the worst decision of his life. I did not say anything vindictive other than that. My intent was to solely make my point that I am here and will not stop fighting for my marriage.
So, I meet this OW and it was very peculiar. I actually had the opprtunity to approach her when we alone in the office and I told her that I was very uncomfortable seeing her and that I did not like the situtation we were in one bit, but that I was not a revengeful person and that I just want our lives to go back to "normal". She thanked me and we went our own ways.
Now not to sound concieted but I have a real hard time seeing why my husband found a sexual attraction to this OW.
I know it is not healthy to be making comparisons but in my favor, I must say I am a far more attractive woman.
I mean I have all my teeth, I have THAT going for me!
In the past 2 weeks I must say the "honeymoon" feeling my H and I have been in has started to fade. Our whole family has been going through colds and busy with school and work. Life in the "real world" is catching back up to us and our life problems are calling us back to pay attention again.
I am focussed to distraction with this situation and put most of my energy into the marriage and keep on top of my childrens activities, too.
I am falling into conflict with my "TAKER" (just learning this concept) and I am feeling like I am back to where I have been all through the years of care taking everyone and everything. Where my H is starting to resent anything that has to do with the "work" we need to do when I bring up talking about our relationship. He even told me today that he is not interested in doing anymore of the things that I have downloaded from Marriage builders and that he;d rather discuss what I have learned from my point of view only. He wont read the books and says that we are "smart enough to solve our problems ourselves with out any help from Dr. this or that".
So, this is me and where I am at. I thankyou, anyone who has taken the time to read this long post and hear my story. I have moments of feeling really strong and empowered but more moments of feeling lost and in a fog more often than not. I hope that this will go away and that I can somehow find the freedom in life again to be secure and trusting and just live with out looking around the corner for the next boulder to fall on me.
Thankyou again for reading this and any help or support.
Harmonie [color:"green"]

It is now 2 months and 7 days since d day. In the last month there had been some odd things come up that seemed suspicious, but WH explained them away, leaving me with the feeling of what other choice do I have but to believe him? I had no way to verify anything he said.
Like one day after I had left for work he left the house, in a complete mess from the kids' breakfasts, tv still on, all lights on, took his mt bike and car and left. I had come home from work unexpectedly at 10 am as I was sick and was surprised to see thwe house in the shape it was in. As ill as I was I started to clean up, thinking "he'll be home soon, or at least by the time he thinks I will get home."
Sure enough, he came home at 2 pm and said oh you beat me here! I asked him where he had been and when he left. He said oh I left around 10, went to the bike shop and then went for a ride and sat in a park. I said OH and left it at that. I told him I was hurt that he left the house in such a state , knowing I was not feeling well. He appologized and said he had lost track of time riding.
Now the crazy thing is that, it was an unusually humid day and if he were indeed riding & out in the park, he'd be sweaty, stinky, his hair would be matted and curly.
Instead he smelled freshly of soap, his hair was full and fluffy, and no sign of being in the heat. I was not buying this story.
After he left for work, I called the bike shop. He used to work there and is friends with the owner. I was able to confirm that he had never stopped in there. I was furious to discover yet another lie. I called his work and asked him again to tell me what he did that day and again he told me the same story about going to the bike shop. I told him to try the truth now as I knew he had not gone there.
He then said that he stopped at a park and was writting, that he didn't have his watch and lost track of time. I asked who was with him and he said he was alone . I said I did not believe him , but what could I do? He says he didn't think I'd believe him if he'd told me the truth about sitting in a park for 4 hours and that is why he lied.
I thanked him for thinking so little of me for thinking I can't handle the truth and that lying to me about ANYTHING right now is really stupid! He appologized and we ended the call.
Since then if I try to question this he gets mad and tells me to quit bringing up things over and over.
There have been 2 other times I have had suspicions since this month. but I will post that in another entry to keep this "short".
Anyone have any thoughts on how I should better handle these types of situations with him?

Ok, the 2nd sitch was last weekend. We had planned that we would go up north to my folks lake home when the kids had thur & Fri off from school for a long weekend. though WH had to work both Thur & Fri, he could drive back and forth from there as itwas not much of a difference in the drive. But he tried to change the plan as the day to leave drew near saying he would drive the kids and I up and then go to work, but then go home to get some things done and then come to the lake Friday after work and get there around 3-4 am. The more I considered this, I felt uncomfortable with it. So I said I could wait to go up on Saturday am , saying I too had things I needed to do here and would rather we all stay up there together. He was really "crabby" the rest of the day and until Friday night.
Then on Friday night , he calls me from work and says the "guys" are going to the bar to send off a guy whose last night it was. He had also bought the guy a "gag" gift he claims and a card. Wierd I am thinking as he has never done that for any other co worker before. Plus we are so tapped for $ right now and he spent $25.00.
I told him I was not comfortable with his going out after work and would rather he just came home. he was obviously ticked off, and said FINE, Ill be home right after work. Oh, and one other thing, he had been adamant that I try to get to bed early and catch up on my sleep as I had been staying up late to see him when he gets home at 1 am.
Well, as I expected , He did not come home right after work and was 45 minutes later than normal. I had called his job when I expected he'd have left and the 3rd shift supervisor told me he was not there. Then I asked if **** (the OW) was there as W|H tells me she went to that shift. Guy says "AH No, She has the night off."
I am furious!
When he got home, I calmly told him we needed to talk and he was snappy and said I want to eat and go to bed. I was adamant and said well you will have to wait please as I need to talk NOW. I asked why he was late and he tells me he helped a guy who locked his keys in his car and then sat in the parking lot and did some writting. I asked him to prove it and as he has been doing lately, he said he burned it. I said I knew the OW had the night off and how all this fell into a really suspicious scenario. He said he could understand how I would see that, but it was not the case.
At this I told him how I have been feeling about things lately. How I hate checking up and "spying" on him. Having him report to me all the time. It is making me crazy but I need this to try and re build my trust. Be that WH keeps doing things that are not Proveable and sneaky to me. I then told him about my pent up anger feelings. How I have not felt able to express how I felt since D day. That because of his selfish and thoughtless decisions and "mistake" I have no more trust. That I have been affected by this deeply and it has changed my life forever like any other "life" event. That he had taken my heart, love, trust and our marriage and "[censored]" on it.
I said I want my ability to trust and love and feel secure again back. That I have been trying really hard but if he is not willing to be on the same page as me and do the leg work as I have been, then I will have to make some decisions. I told him I will not put up with any more "stories". or "cake eating" (which I had to explain)and will not be able to take another d day.
He promised to try harder and said I was "his cake".
But he just didn't know how he could convince me that what he says is the truth.
I said Try being honest and stop doing things that look suspicious! Don't leave yourself unaccountable.

So, things have been mostly calm now for this week. I am glad this month is almost over because it has been a rollercoaster and I want off this ride.

This all seems so familiar. My WH's A is over, but sometimes he starts shutting me out again and all that resentment comes flooding back to me. It's hard to give someone what they want when you don't feel like your getting enough back in return. But from everyting I've read and experienced, that is what you have to do for now. At least that way, you can know that you tried your best to make things work. The rest is up to him. I'm so sorry your hurting! I know the WS has a way of giving lame excuses and making you feel stupid about it. Start gathering and documenting information and try to resist telling him until you have proof he can't squirm out of. Ask each of your kids to take on one or two extra chores. Most important of all, take care of yourself.

Hi & Thanks fb,
Sorry that you have felt this way , too. I know I am trying my hardest,some days it feels like it is not enough & I want to throw the towel in.
Last Friday when I called his job, my motivation was more to verify if the OW did work 3rd shift as WH had told me.
But it is the things that were "wrong" in our marriage leading up to his A that I need to see change now in addition to everything about the A and the aftermath of it. I do not want things to be the way they were before, it was not good.
It is exactly like you said, it is hard to keep giving when you don't feel like your getting enough back in return!
and another thing you said is right on, I am doing my very best and trying hard .... if after 6 months I see no effort on his part to try and change our sitch, contribute to MB'ing, I will have to re asses just what I am doing and what I want to "put up with" or not.
I am starting to put together a list of things I need from this marriage and the goals I want to achieve. I want to get to know ME again and what my priorities really are in my life and start being true to myself.
A few days after I D Day, I made a decision that if this marriage was not going to make it, it would at least end after I did everything I could to save it, but on my terms, not WH's A. I will know I did the best I could.
But every day is so different, and can besuch a struggle. how do we get through it all? Prayer is not enogh somedays!

Thanks again for responding!
BeWell,

Harmonie - I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. You sound like a very strong person. Your WH has no idea how lucky he is to have you on his side. There is little doubt in my mind that your H is still in the A. You MUST expose the A to your friends and family and, since they work together, to their co-workers. The A will continue unless you expose. As the veteran experts here will tell you, A's are based on lies and deceit. Once they are exposed, they fizzle and fade. Do it now! After you have exposed, you must enter into Plan A. You can read all about Plan A on General Questions. You may also want to post over there anyway, because GQ gets many more readers/responders. Good luck. Stung

Thanks Stung,
I have my suspicions about him maybe no having an EA instead of the PA with OW. But since she does work 3rd shift it may be more difficult??? I know that I have thrown wrenches in a few of his plans and he knows I will check everything I can. He is also quite fearful of their supervisors at work finding out. This does leave me in a rough spot as I do want to work this out with him, yet if I expose the A at work I know he'll lose his job. Then I loose him, the house, my financial support, my credit.....
I am notready for that . I do have a possible wayto support myself and the kids,butit is not fullyin place yet. so I will be ever watchful and bide my time.
Thankyou for saying I am a strong person. I don't feel so strong but I try hard every day! That and Zoloft helps ALOT! LOL! And I must say MB and reading the boards.
If I post in GQ do I have to retell everything there? or do I move info? Not sure how this works. or do I say "refer to post..."
Thanks again.
Be well,

oh and 1 more thing, Friends and family all know,. His folks came by on D day un announced as we were in our 2nd hour of my "begging pleading crying fest" . they came to bring his B-day gift over. As I let them in the door I said" oh boy, your timing could not be better, XXX is telling me about his affair with some ****** he works with... Please , come on in!"
then I left the room and called my folks . all my friends know and support me whatever I choose. His folks are two faced with me, and have lied to my face for 10 years about how much they love me. His dad once said if he ever won the lottery he'd give WH a million $$$ to divorce me. Nice, eh?
This from his alcoholic parents who know he has been to treatment , twice, and still offer him beer and wine at holidays!
Sorry , I started ranting!
goodnight.

Harmonie - Yikes - with in-laws like that, no wonder WH is in serious trouble! If you post in GQ, you can refer to this post or copy and paste. Since your post isn't that long, you may want to just start a new thread. Stung

Hi again Stung, I will copy and pste there. Thanks! I hate having to re type things, I have a screwy keyboard and sometimes the keys stick and words run together! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Be Well,
Harmonie

Harmonie,



Are you ready to have him leave you anyway? If you haven't already done so, you need to get a copy of Surviving an Affair. Also, if you haven't, read the free information on infidelity here on the MB site.

I am as certain as one can be that your H is still engaging in an A. You obviously aren't going to get any moral support from your inlaws as they seem to condone and support his A, so you are going to have to expose to his employer.

Good luck to you and I am sorry that you are here. I was one of the fortunate ones in that my FWH's A was over before D-Day and he had no positive feelings for OW so no withdrawl, who fortunately, also lived 2500 miles away. And it is still the single most painful experience I have ever had.

Do what you can in Plan A, but understand that you alone can not save your marriage if WH doesn't help.

Hi Who,
Well, I am not yet prepared to lose him...yet. I am in the back ground trying to do things that will help the kids and I if the end of our marriage does come. Things that are both finacial and emotional.

I really hate/love that there are moments when things are going so right between us... like this past weekend was terrific! The thing I hate is that I feel I let my guard down and become vulnerable. Then He does something that raises a red flag and I am left confused, suspicious, and hurting...again.

Lately I live life week by week. I have to wait to see how he acts during the work week to determine if we have truely made any positive progress! Theweekends he is home with me are for the most part goingreally well, but I feel like I dare not bring up anything "touchy"!

I did read HTSAA. I got it at the library...and it's overdue! OOOPS! (renewed it 2 x's)
And I have read and re-read & printed out alot of the articles here as well.

What is it that makes you feel certain he is still in the A? I mean, I know the things I have said here are SO SUSPICIOUS, but is there anything you can tell me that I should be seeing more clearly? Or something I should maybe be saying to WH that I may not be?

The more time that passes since the A I feel affraid to say anything cause then arn't I just throwing it in his face? Even when I bring the subject up "delicately"?

Be Well,

Because he is still lying to you about his activities. It is one thing for a FWS to be reluctant to divulge affair details after the affair is over out of fear or shame, but your H is still behaving suspiciously and still lying to you about his current activities. I am no expert here, but I recommend you read up on Plan A and start working on ending his affair.

If he wants your marriage to work, he has to be a completely open book for you so that you can verify his fidelity and check up on him if you feel the need. Even now, I still check my H cell phone history and read most of his emails. It makes him feel bad that I don't trust him, but he does understand why that is. I am no expert on discovery techniques, but some folks here on MB swear by digital voice recorders and key loggers.





I had to comment on this.....given the age difference between FWH and me. I totally understand this. Both before and during our marriage, I was "the grownup" in our relationship and over time I came to see FWH as one of my children. You know, someone else that I had to take care of. It caused me to stop seeing him as a man and totally killed any desire I had for him. It took the A to wake both of us up. Too bad that we couldn't have just been honest with each other and saved all of the pain.

My H, and maybe yours too, felt diminished and bullied by me because I made loads more money than him and reserved the right to make all of the major decisions.

Today, we are much more of a partnership than before. We both work at sharing responsibility and authority and it has greatly improved our marriage.

Hi Who,

I was wondering that same thing about the age differences, if you had that problem. I would talk to WH like he was one of the kids sometimes and regretably in front of the kids when I would get really PO'd at him. He'd ask me NOTto do that but often I wouldn't even realise I was doing it! Major LB's!

WH tells me that he does understand when I do the snooping, checking up stuff and questioning his activities. I know it bothers him, and I see it in his face and body language. He has acknowleged that it will take me quite a while to "recover" from what he has done to me/us. But He also wants to act like we should just move on like it never happened. He'd be happy as ever if we were to never again discuss a single thing about the A or how I feel about things because of it.
But, he knows better than that.

As for plan A, I read about at least once a week to help keep me on track and I am also making a plan B just in case.
Today I made a list of realistic & fair questions that I feel I need to have answeres for to enable my recovery.
I have read many posts about this and I have carefully thought through what I want to know and what I can let go. But before I ask I want to be sure I am ready to deal with my emotions to his responses.
I told him I wanted to ask himm things but I get so nervous to and don't want him to feel as though I am throwing the A in his face over and over every time I ask him things.
I also explained to him that I just want to be able to move on from where I am in this. He says he understood.

Be well,