Hello to everyone who reads this. I am Brokenloves husband and wanted to post a qustion. How long do I give her to decide if she truely wants this marriage or not? I had the affair in Jan. '04 and dday was in June. I moved out that day and then moved home middle of July. Since that time we have been in IC and MC (3-4 times) and there is still nothing. Brokenlove can not even say that she wants our marriage to work. She says that a part of her has died and that she will never want me as a husband again. The main question for me at this point was if brokenlove wanted me in this relationship. Some have implied on her posts that I have demanded or required sexual fulfillment. It is my #1 need. However, I haven't done that. What I have done is try and talk to her about any progress that we have made towards that. I have felt that my needs have/are being ignored. Brokenlove can not commit to me. I wish that she could. I have done everything that I know to do to save this marriage and the bottom line is this: brokenlove doesnt want this marriage. She wants our family, but not a relationship as husband and wife. I cant do that. It isnt fair to either of us or our three children. I was/am willing to give her time to heal, but she really isnt committed to that. She just wants our family unit to stay as is. I realize that I am the screw up here. I did this. But to recover, I believe that one has to want to. What do I do here? We have read the books, gone to counseling, even have the workbook. I feel that she won't allow herself to open back up. Is this over and I have to get on with it or is there something else?

That is a tough question (impossible) for any of us outside of the bounds of your marriage to answer.

I think as you have said, the issue at hand is IF your W wants to even try and reconicle this marriage. Please remember that though you may have betrayed your spouse (and she is in no doubt turmoil), you should not have to die a thousand deaths here.

You can only do what you can do to repent, and SHOW your W "change". The personal recovery that she needs to make at this point, can be aided by you, but not DONE by you.

In the end, your W may be telling you the truth, that a part of her has died with your betrayal...and will never come back. That did happen to me. Time will only tell.

Read the web site, make a personal inventory of your life and all of your relationships....Are you the best Husband, Father, Son, Brother, etc...that you can be?

Have you done everything that you can do to make ammends to your wife, and demonstrate a sincere change? If you have, then the answer will come to you then.

There is no easy answer here. The pain your Wife is in now is no doubt soul shattering to her...she has to WANT to recover with you...IT WILL NOT JUST HAPPEN. I think that is where the initial struggles are. She can't "want" to keep a family intact, without doing the personal and marital work that will be required.

Just my take.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the reply--

Let me make it clear. I want this marriage. Brokenlove and I have a 17 year history together. We have had a rough few months with relationship and finances, kids, etc. I dont want to leave. I have begged, cried, and most of all CHANGED. Yes, I have changed. I realized what a complete idiot I was. The seperation was tough. Brokenlove went out while we were seperated and had a one night stand. It was hard as ****** to hear that. I wanted so badly to come home that I didnt care. I still dont care about that. However, it isnt talked about. NOW I am the only one who seems to want this. Anyway, Just trying to figure it out.

I hate to say this, but it crossed my mind reading your initial post on this thread... did she meet somebody? Then you said the ONS. Are you sure her decision to not work on the M doesn't have to do with an OM?

NTL

I have asked her that and she says that she is done with men. Her bio fahter, 2 sex abusers, and first husband treated her badly so she says no, but I cant be sure on anything at this point.

Hmmm... did she give up on the other thread? I hope she doesn't give up on MB just because all of the different opinions set forth spark hefty debate!

She may be afraid of getting hurt again. Her heart and her body are all she feels she has left, she doesn't want to take the risk of them being hurt/betrayed again. Her ONS didn't make her feel better.

She is shut down.
It's so difficult when the heart is not in it and the love has been broken. I know when my H did it to me, I still don't have the oneness, and completeness that I felt prior to his ONS. I felt like I lost my best friend and H. He is here, but I feel the same way brokenlove does. Before I felt the love so strong for him, now it's gone, and I don't know how put the love back into my heart for him. Yeah you can do this and that for each other, but if the love isn't in the heart for a person, and the oneness has been broken, it just doesn't feel right. I don't think it's going to happen overnight, but it isn't the same. It's so hard to describe in words, but it's the best I can do.

Hopefully the healing will come.

You sound so sincere in your efforts to commit to your marriage again. But in the back of her mind, may be the same that is the back of my mind...is the "what if he does it again" Can I give my heart and body to him, not being really sure? Is it a risk I can take? He might break me again! I never thought my H could hurt me this way. It's devastating to say the least. It is a kind of trauma I believe.

It's just difficult. Be patient with her.

Love, Lady

HI Drpeppertx, I posted to you on the other thread and I will post it here too. You sound completely discouraged and I can't say I blame you after being punished for well over a year with no hope in sight. But, before you throw in the towel, why not give the Harleys a try? They can do in one session what other counselors can never do. They are very good at this.

I suspect you may be right that she doesn't want the marriage, but perhaps Dr. Harley could help in sorting this out before you make any decisions. I do know that if she refuses to meet your needs, then you have every reason to believe she doesn't want the marriage and have to make a decision based on that knowledge.

But at least call a pro, Dr Harley, before you completely give up in frustration. He won't waste your time with a bunch of nonsense, he will assess your situation and give you some direction. He is worth every penny, IMO.

Has the affair been over since July of 2004? When was the last time you had sf?

ML, the wife here.. he has only been without SF maybe three weeks. I discovered the affair 6/7/2005. He did not end the relationship until after that. We have been intimate since recovery.

Gotcha, thanks for clearing that up.