The last time I wrote I had just found out about the affair. That was a month ago. I cam home and my husband was at the airport with roses...pretty much crying. I didn't give in and he was just crying and saying he was sorry. That weekend everything was fine....he was loving and promising all these things he was going to do and telling me he would do everything to make our marriage better.

Just an FYI: his affair had gone on for 6 months with a co-worker. He never ever hid the phone bills and said they were "just friends." I had always had my suspicions though. Anyway he finally told me about it and I left to be with my family.

So we are to now. Over the last 2 weeks his attitude has changed. He hasn't been supportive or accommodating with my feelings and my sudden outbursts. We are going to the same counselor, but separately right now. Our first session together was to be this coming Tuesday.

But I had a feeling something was still going on. And so did some investigative work and found out HE had given her his new number (which we changed so she wouldn't call him). So she called him from a payphone. He must think I’m an idiot. I did my research and found out it was her calling. Anyway, I talked to my counselor and said I had enough and I’m getting a divorce. And she told me to give it three days to think about it (she's totally for marriage). But in the meantime, I needed to change the locks and ask him to leave. So I did....and he called and left a threatening message on my phone. Anyway, he's staying at his step-brother in-laws house. I shouldn’t have gone over there tonight, but I did. They were kind of like mediators there. Before I left, I began to cry and slapped him. Which I shouldn’t' have done.

Our in-laws are totally for us going to counseling, but I just don't know. I’m beginning to think that maybe he isn’t the man I want in the first place (been together for 6 years, married 2 of those years). What do I do? Do I give up? Do I go to the 1st couple counseling?? Will he do it again??

How this second incident started is like this: A week and a half ago, he said she came up to him at work and said "I really needed to contact you the other day and didn't have your number." so he gave it to her!!! And said "only call me if its' business." but did she?? NO...she called him and "checked in on him.” (remember he’s been telling me they haven’t talked…or that she just said hello….one lie after another).

Also, he went and did the confrontation without me and then lied about it. We were going to write a letter to her, but he did it without me, which of course the counselor did not approve of. He has done nothing but lie, yet says he wants to be with me.

Any advice??

Sincerely,
KDee

KDee,
It sounds like you have exposed to both sets of parents, have you exposed to w/h work?
One of the things that the Harley's suggest is that if the people involved in the affair work together, than they need to get different jobs.
I would make that one of my expectations of w/h. Also, I would expect NC and complete transparency, meaning all the passwords to e-mail, cell phone etc. I would also expect him to tell me if accidental contact was made.
I can understand your frustration and anger, but in order for plan A to work you need to carry out both parts of the Plan the stick and carrot, so to speak.
Have you exposed to o/w spouse or boyfriend?? How about o/w parents?

KDee,

I can't really offer much advice here. But I can tell you that I was in a similar situation. I was the WS and although I didn't work with the OM, I didn't want my H to be there when I e-mailed the NC letter and I didn't want him to see it. Because ultimately, I was afraid to give up NC. I did do it for a little while, but I ended up going back.

Stick with it though, even though it might be hard, and eventually your H may get to the same point that I am at ... willing to do whatever it takes to make the M work.

sorry to ask questions...but i don't really know what the abbreviations mean. can you give me a list of what they mean?? Like H, is for husband i assume...but what about the others. (NC - WS)

the OW (other woman) is not married...i don't know who she is..just her name and that they work together. when all this happened i text messaged her and called her and she denied it. that's all i know.

as far as him changing jobs....it won't happen. this is all he knows and he has a 2 year committment at this company. he has to stay. so, we've been here a year...so another year to go. i did tell him he has to TRY at least to get out.....

thanks for your advice cinnymd ...this is really hard for me. i feel like my world has been turned upside down. i don't know if he can give the OW up. when will i know?

KDee,

I know there is a whole post that lists all of the abbreviations, but I forgot where it was. I am sure someone a little more MB savvy than me will come and give you the link. Until then,

NC- No contact
WS - Wayward Spouse (you may see WH for wayward husband or WW for wayward wife)
MB - Marriage Builders
D - Divorce
D-day - Discovery day

For me, it unfortunately took a year after D-day and the real threat of D for me to finally wake up and realize that I truly could give up the OM and that I didn't even want to talk to him.

Some days may be tough for me, but I realize it is just withdrawal and not desire.

I wish I could tell you that it only took me a couple of days, a couple of weeks, or even just a couple of months. But what I CAN tell you is that it did happen.

Stay strong, KDee. Your H is in that man somewhere.

Have you exposed to w/h's employer?? Thats what I would do.