Hello all...

My wive left me almost a month ago with our young child. It was my fault. I had a lot of emotional issues to work through (didn't realize it at the time) that caused me to be a very angry, cold person. (I did realize this, I just didn't understand it.) I also had problems with alcohol.

When the wife left, she told me she loved me and that she was willing to work on salvaging our marriage and family.

I entered counseling and alcohol treatment. I also turned my life over to God. I had turned my back on God so very long ago and when I went to church, it was simply an appearance.

I was not physically addicted to alcohol. It was more the relaxation of going to the bar and simply vegging, not a care in the world. Not an excuse. It was terrible for me to do this when I knew how much it bothered my wife. Just an explaination.

I have resolved to never drink again. I asked God to take the taste for beer from me (never drank anything else, couldn't stand to get drunk) and he has done so.

I have gotten my life straight with God and everyone who knows me has told me that I am a different person now.

I have confronted my abuser (emotional issues were related to sexual abuse in my childhood) and forgiven them.

I am not an angry person now.

I have done everything and more that my wife asked me to do, so many times while we were together.

Tonight was the first time we've "talked" and really had a conversation since she left. She told me that she didn't know if we would ever be husband and wife again. She said she wasn't ready to even think about reconcilliation and that she didn't know if we would be romanticly compatible once we got to know each other again.

I fully acknowledge that I was a horses rear end. I know that I am to blame for her leaving. I know that I should have come to the realization that I needed to change my life and address my past long ago.

I don't understand how after being married nearly 10 years that my getting my life on track and changing into a caring person would make us not romanticly compatible.

She said that she wanted to start off as friends and that she wanted to at minumum have a "great relationship" with me for the sake of our child. That was at least positive.

I know that it was Gods intention for us to meet, fall in love and get married. I also know considering how much difficulty we had with having children that our child is a Gift from God. I know that God hates divorce (my belief, please don't think I'm making any judgements) and that he wants us to live as a family, reconciled in our marriage.

I asked her to go to marriage counseling and she said she is not ready.

She said that if things end up in divorce, she knows it's not Gods plan but that "God is understanding."

I'm trying to stay positive but, it just seems to me like she is trying to talk herself into divorce.

Please... Somebody give me some words of encouragement. My life is empty without my family. I am willing to fight (figuratively) to bring my family back together. I am willing to do ANYTHING to save my marriage.

Punished <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

when someone you trust hurts you very badly, it takes time to trust them again. it takes time to believe that they will again care for you and protect you against harm when they caused the greatest harm you've ever felt. one month of change isn't enough proof yet. Give her time.....stick with the changes that you have made and SHOW her, don't just tell her.

Be happy that she is still open to the possibility that things COULDwork out even if she is also open to the possibility that they might not.

that's a "maybe" and it's a start....it's something to hang onto and it should give you hope

be patient...it took a long time and lots of hurt to get where you were..it will take a long time and lots of love to recover

i wish you the best

B4 you start doing carwheels and walking the high wire without a net....please go to the concepts section and read. Then take the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. Print a copy for her and ask her t/d the same.

I suspect you are being made a escapa goat for a reason not yet disclosed. The charges for which you have made changes now will ruin her 'other plan'.

Then please read, His Needs/Her Needs and lastly....Surviving an Affair.

IMHO, your W is having some sort of A type symptoms. With who, how and why, I can't say but before you go get yourself all frazzled over changes and mood swings.....go read and get a plan of action.

If you can afford to call Jennifer C @ MB for some MB phone.counseling (after you do your reading), I would strongly recommend you do so.

JMHO,
L.

Hey Pun? Stay hopeful. Your story struck a lot of chords with me so I decided to step out of the shadows and give you some encouragement if I can.
You don't say if there was an affair involved in your situation but if you're posting here then I assume there was. So Orchid's advice is sound, she's a very smart lady. To her reading list I would add 'The Courage to Heal' and 'Allies in Healing' both by Laura Davis. 'Courage' will be tough for you to read but well worth the pain and fear and 'Allies' will give you some insight into what you are asking of your wife.
I am the BS and my wife had a child by her lover. She is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (rape by a relative). I won't go into the specifics of my situation here unless you need me to. I have other posts on this site if you want to read them but I want to tell you that there is a lot of reason for you to have hope for your marriage.
D-day was May 11th of this year and my wife recovered 20 year old memories of abuse in early June. We are still together despite a host of ongoing difficulties. We are not out of the woods by a long shot and I don't know what the future holds for us. But since the beginning of this nightmare I have seen us grope and struggle towards each other and experienced the power of true love in us both. I have seen my wife battle the demons in her life as you will have to do and I've had all pretense and illusion stripped from my perception of our marriage until all that remained was the love we have for each other. From that simple base line I have gotten the hope that we will build the marrige that we both deserve. Seemingly irresistable blows against our relationship have been absorbed and, so far, withstood. You have to understand for yourself how much your relationship with your spouse is worth to you and you have to be willing to add a lot of pain to the already incredible burden you are carrying as a result of your abuse. You need to see clearly just what it is you are asking of your wife to continue in your marrige and consider how much love it takes for her to give you even the promise to try.
It can be done, bro. You can do it. This place is witness to story after story of people who have walked into h*ll and walked out the other side and been better for it. John Lennon said it and sometimes the strongest and purest truths are the simplest. All you need is love.

Campdog,

There has been no affair on my part at least. I don't think there has been on her part. Hopefully, that will make things easier. I don't know. It is so very hard right now though. She is hours away with our child. How can we begin to rebuild our marriage when the relationship now consists only of instant messenge and telephone conversations?

She has already contacted an attorney, not even two weeks after she left and tells me that the attorney has drafted divorce papers. I'm at a total loss to understand.

I posted this here because I kept reading posts about how this forum had the most activity and I am desperate for advice.

Trying to stay hopeful... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

U contact an attorney also. Know your rights. Let them know she has abandoned your home and taken your child against your will. Yea, she's the mom but if you can show her actions to be unstable you may get a chance to get your child back.

Don't be surprised if the driving force behind all this is an A.

L.

Uh huh. Don’t believe this for a “fogbound minute.”



Very good. Continue making those positive changes in yourself that were needed even if you weren’t married or a father. Continue increasing your walk with Christ and your “Plan A” changes.



Okay, two things. First, since her love for you and her trust in you may well have “taken a huge hit” over the years of admitted anger and ‘abuse,’ she may legitimately not “know” what the future might hold (none of us does) or trust herself to “risk the vulnerability” of choosing to love you without MORE time to “prove” your changes are real and lasting.

OR, second, she is involved with another man and is using “excuses” to maintain that relationship. Getting her “needs” met outside the home is the most common “cause” of infidelity, and if you were not meeting her needs, you opened the door, as did most of us, to her seeking to find “Fulfillment” elsewhere.



Okay, so you finally “woke up.” Now trust in God and be patient for Him to work in the heart of your wife….through her seeing that the commitment to God and to being a godly husband are REAL and not meant to simply manipulate her into returning “because that’s what YOU want.” Remember, now it’s about HER needs, not yours. It a “posture of Servant-hood,” not a posture of “taking and not giving.”



I’m with Orchid on this one. Her leaving (unless you are leaving out big chunks about how ‘badly’ you treated her) is much more likely due to the “Process of getting involved in an AFFAIR.” It could be an Emotional, rather than a Physical, Affair at this point, but there’s a “good bet” that all you are hearing from her is smokescreen and “fogbound” excuses for rejecting the “new you” and for maintaining her affair (which she, as a Christian woman, will know deep down inside her is “more wrong” that the way you were treating her).




“Recovery” is in the hands of the Betrayed Spouse, and you recover according to their timeframe, not yours. It’s hard, but it’s one of the consequences that must be worked through, not around. On the off chance that she is NOT in an affair, she is telling you that she doesn’t “Trust” you or the “supposed” changes yet. Understandable, since it took years to GET to the current situation and will take to rebuild. BEGIN just like you did the first time….dating, getting to know the “new you,” etc. BEGIN by choosing to “act” in a loving manner and meet HER needs, even if you’d like things to “hurry up” and get back to where YOU want them. FEELINGS of love will follow acts of love, they don’t “lead.”



Interesting. Usually NOT something someone who is IN an affair wants because they KNOW that a counselor will tell them that an affair is wrong, or at least that “two wrongs don’t make a right.”



Wrong, God is NOT understanding. God has given ONE, and only ONE reason for a divorce that God can “understand.” And THAT valid reason is given to the Faithful Spouse of and Adulterous Spouse.



Once again I am inclined to suspect that she is in an affair if she is inclined toward a divorce. Otherwise I suppose her motivation might have been “spousal abuse” if you were abusing her. What do you think?

God bless.

CAMPDOG - I've read some of your other posts and am in a situation like yours. I think advice from you could really help me. Any chance I can contact you? Thanks.

(Sorry for thread jacking.)