Hello,

For those of you who know me, you can probably skip to the last few paragraphs, for the others, here is my story so far.

I am a soldier deployed to Iraq. When I went home for my midtour R&R leave, I discovered my wife having a PA. EA started mid/end of june (I knew there was a problem because she completely stopped writting me, and sending me packages), became PA the week before i got home (1 sept I got home). When i got home, I caught her in numerous lies untill I eventually tapped the phone, found out the truth, and then confronted her. Confrontation didn't go well, she yelled and screamed at me, I yelled and screamed at her, and tried to throw her out of the house (physically), then she attempted suicide. When she got out of the hospital, she packed her stuff and left me, she was very cold about it. The next day, she came back for the marriage counseling. At the counseling, she talked about how much I disgusted her, and how she didn't love me, and how bad our marriage was before I went to Iraq. After the counseling, she asked ?'s along the lines of could i forgive her, and could we fix it. I said yes, but only if she ended it with OM. When we got home, she wanted to get more stuff out of house. I told her she wasn't setting foot in MY house, and if she told me what she wanted, Id get it for her. Then she changed her mind. We went inside, and after a very long talk, she decided to end it with him. She went to work, and when she got home, we went to get her stuff from his place. I left the phone tap on, and even had a GPS tracker in the car, for about 1-1/2 weeks after, just to be sure. Everything was legit.
We started trying to muddle our way through this. The night before I was to go back to Iraq (15 Sept), she told me that she still didn't want me in the bed with her. I got upset. The next day on the way to the airport, I get a call, my leave had been extended. I got 2 more weeks to work on things. So the wife and I start going out and playing the dating game, and, for a few days, i stayed at a friends house to give her some space. Trying to rebuild a connection. We got to the point where she would kiss me (tensely), and we slept in the same bed. We never made love the whole month I was home despite my strong desire to. Then over the next week or two, I try to get her to open up. She tells me that the #1 factor in her head was the fact that I grabbed her and tried to throw her out. She grew up in an abusive household, and she is afraid of me now.
The EN that I failed to meet according to her was "maturity." I did some stupid things early on in our marriage that could have hurt my career. But also I think she wanted some empathy for the problems of her childhood. She talked alot about "He understands what Im giong through," and stuff. He is a mental health professional, so he had the gift of gab, and could feign empathy pretty well apparently.
Obviously the EN she wasn't meeting for me was HONESTY! and openess. I never knew we were even having problems, I thought our marriage was going great.


So here we are now. She is going back and forth. One minute she wants to fix things, the next she is saying that she doesn't deserve me. One day she goes to the library to get HN/HN, but then she hasn't read it since. One moment she seems sincere about rebuilding our marriage, the next she says its too far gone to rebuild. This is VERY HARD to deal with, especially when I go out on missions everyday, and am trying to plan my seperation from the military. I have way too much stuff on my plate, but the most important one to me is the one i can do the least about while im here in Iraq.
I am at my wits end. I am about to institue a modified plan B. Even though she is in NC (and i believe it), I can't take the emotional rollercoaster. I am considering telling her that I wont contact her again untill she is sure of what she wants, and when she is ready, to send me an e-mail, and we will go from there. I dont want to do that, and its probably a bad idea, but I don't know what else to do. Open to any suggestions at this point.

bump, i really need some help with this.

That's a real bad idea. You haven't done Plan A yet. I know it is hard from Iraq (you're in my prayers). It is better to do nothing.

Try to settle down, and realize that you have no control over her actions.

We will talk to her when she posts.

I hope you have told her you are very sorry for trying to physically throw her out of the house.

Ray, be patient. Don't pressure her TOO much right now, she feels she can't do anything right for you I think. Give her a chance to sort out some of her feelings.

NTL

Plan A is what Ive been doing. Trying to lovingly coax her back into the marriage. Its the yes/no, in/out that is driving me crazy. I don't believe i am pushing her, but everytime i talk to her she says I am... I am just trying to get her to commit to the marriage. She keeps saying she'll try...
I think you guys are right, ill hold off on the plan B. I'm going to just leave things alone, and let her come to me about it.
With regards to trying to plan my seperation from the service, i guess ill just make plans the best i can without her (she says she can't think about the future right now), and hopefully when she decides what she wants, she'll either help me revise the plan, or come along.

Patience. U R far away right now, right?

Here's what you can do:

1. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

2. Pray for lots of patience.

3. Make your plan A changes. Make them 4 u not the WS.

4. Stop the R talk but continue open communication.

Once your changes are done and the WS is still in that demented mindset, then consider plan B. That's for your protection (love bank stuff).

JMHO,
L>

yeah, thats the course of action I decided on. We will talk, but im going to back off, and just let her know how much i love her. If she wants to come to me she can, if not...
Its going to kill me if she doesn't come around. I am terrified that she will be waiting for me with divorce papers ready to sign when i get home. I am having a hard time dealing with her idecisiveness, is that the "fog" everyone talks about? and how long will it last?

Orchid: That will help both of you see her real condition, position and current intent. It will also give you some rest. U R working too hard on reaching recovery. She isn't on the same page as you right now. She may be in time but now she isn't. It's like pulling a tooth before it's time. The new tooth has to push the old one out first. Of course if the old tooth is rotten, then you have to get help to extract it. Don't think your M is rotten...... so patience and wait for your W to return w/b a safer course. You should want the WS removed from your life. You should want your W back.


Orchid: We understand and many of us have felt the same way but in reality it won't kill you. Being terrified of the unknown is worse than the cause. Look at it this way, if she does the D paperwork, she will have to do all the work. Most WS don't have the stomach or the stamina t/d D work. Instead most of their time and energies are focused on manipulating the BS, family and others to enable their A or A condition. You'd be surprised how the WS spends their time and energies. It isn't to follow through on their threats.

BTW even if your Ws were to read these words, get mad and threaten more D paperwork, let her. Again their focus is driven by the A and the A doesn't like t/d work. That piece of knowledge will help you.

Even if she does get the D, know that you can't stop it anyways. It won't be the end of you, it w/b the a new chapter in your life. The sad piece won't be for you but for the fact that your W won't be a part of it if she goes through the D. You want your W back, not the WS. Remember this.


Orchid: Yes, lots of fog. Also the fog will try all within her power to make you take the blame for her actions and reactions. Learn it and don't take it. Let her babble (cuz you can't stop it anyway and it helps you keep tabs on her condition), but don't react to the babble part. React to the parts of the conversation which are reasonable, not babble.

[color:"blue"]Example:

WS: I need to know who to take the truck to for a brake job.

BS: Take it to the Brake Shop Group, the Hamilton Store gives good service.

WS: Ok. You need to review the D paperwork.

BS: Did you send it yet?

WS: No. But when you get it you need to review it.

BS: When are you planning to send it?

WS: I don't know.

BS: Oh, ok.

WS: My mom will be watching the kids for the weekend.

BS: Ok. I'll call her house to talk to the children.

WS: Don't you want to know why?

BS: Ok, why?

WS: Ummm..... I have an appointment.

BS: Ok.

WS: Don't you want to know where?

BS: Ok, where?

WS: Ummm.... with the dentist.

BS: For 2 days?

WS: No, but I need some time after that for my self.

BS: Oooh, I see.

WS: What does that mean?

BS: Well I have to go, thanks for calling.

WS: Hey, what do you mean by 'oooh, I see'?

BS: Well honey, you are babbling again and not making sense. You know the reason why you are doing this. Gotta go. Bye. [/color]



Orchid: Can't tell. This isn't a timing thing. It's a disease that varies from situation and person to another situation and person. The point for you though is to be patient, pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Read up where and when you can, post here, keep supported and know this is not your doing. Her holding herself in the WS mode is her doing.

take care,
L.

Thank you very much, that was very informative. I will keep posting here. (its all I do, go on missions, go to the gym, post on MB, and talk to the wife...its a endless cycle LOL)

I hope she comes around, and posts more as well. At times she seems sincere about getting through the fog, but at others, she seems like she is "faking it" for my benefit. I just want the "Fog" to GO AWAY, so i can get my wife, my marriage, and my life back. I'm talking to her about her doing a phone session with Dr. Harley, but its expensive, and money is tight (im spending it all on the phones, and internet...LOL). If she is willing, ill do it regardless of price, but right now she is saying that she is uncomfortable talking over the phone...blah blah blah... i guess thats "babble", cus if she was really dedicated to fixing this, she would overcome a little discomfort to save her marriage, but i guess im asking too much... pushing too hard... whatever.

Hey Ray,

Hope you're doing well today... Glad to see that your W is posting!

Please read what your W posted... You've got to leave all of this relationship stuff alone until you get home. Be postitive with her, stay connected with her, but leave the A crap alone for now. You'll both have time to deal with this when you return home.

Please let me know if there's anything I can help you with. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Semper Fi,
RIF

Ray

I did post you yesterday but the forum went down so it was all lost.... lol

I wanted to say that I was a WW and my H was also deployed at the time, as he is again [I thought the professionals always said never volunteer? lol] so I can understand some of what is going on.

First of all though you MUST stay mission focused at all costs. Hard yes but try to keep it separate if possible.

Don't even try to discuss relationship issues while you are away, its almost doomed to fail in this sitation as the complication of guilt and remorse and isolation with your w prevents her from seeing the forest for the trees.
Thats normal at this stage. Its fog and doesn't make sense to anyone let alone herself.

She will likely jump from one subject to another and sound all over the place ..... because she is. She will look for 'easy' answers like "if I run away from it all,it will be ok" and that sort of [email]cr@p.[/email] And thats what it is .... [email]cr@p.[/email]

Orchid has it right, do not engage in the fog but talk around it. The moments of clarity though rare usually will allow you to get your message through of "working on the M when I get home." Keep repeating that.
For instance if you get "You will never be able to forgive me" respond something like "of course I can we need to work on our M when I get home."

Just try not to get bogged down right now in to much detail.

Encourage her to attend couselling. I know its not cheap RAY BUT how much will a DV cost? A lot more.
If she is wlling please feel free to refer her to this site and other FWW like myself & BS who have been on the other side of this mess to talk and discuss her fears, feelings and our expereinces and we will try to help her come through this time so she can be ready to work with you on your M.

But you stay focused on the job at ahnd right now.

All the best

AW

thats the plan, and it seems to be working so far, fog talk stopped almost instantly, it was amazing. she still afraid of what will happen when i get home (will she love me, will she be afraid of me...etc), but i guess there is nothign i can do except be as loving as possible till then, and hope she comes around.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help her get over these fears? are they normal?

Hey Ray - I think that the best thing you can do for yourself and for your M is to focus on your mission over there and come back to her in one piece!

There are lots of things that you can work on while your apart... and it all involves you... not your W. Right now you need to focus on you and what you can do/learn so that you can be the H that she's going to need when you return.

As far as her feelings, in my own experience, Mrs. RIF said many of the same things... don't worry about your W. She'll be fine. You take care of yourself and get back to her as soon as you can. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Semper Fi,
RIF

Im referring to her fealings of fear. She is afraid of me because I physically grabbed her and tried to remove her from the house. She says things are fine now, because Im in Iraq, but she is afraid that when she sees me again, that the fear will be too much to bear. I wan't to know how to help her get over her fear of me. I know it was wrong to grab her, and it wont happen again, but she grew up in an abusive home, and heard the apologies and promises before...

Hey Ray,

Try not to worry about things that you can't control. You can't control how she's going to "feel" when you return. All you can do is control how YOU act towards her...

You can't change the past but you CAN change your behavior. Work on changing yourself into the H that she needs and wants.

Semper Fi,
RIF

Hey, RIF, you got mail!

What can I do towards planning my seperation from the service with the future of my marriage so unstable right now? I need to know where she wants to live, so i can get applications out to colleges in the area, start looking for housing...etc

Hey Ray,

Your decision to stay in the military or not is a big one. The military is very hard on young families... so please don't base your decision on staying in or getting out soley on finances.

Do they have an education center there at your camp? If so, that's the first place I'd start looking. Put your appliation in to several colleges and then ask your W which ones she'd like to check out when you get home.

You mentioned that your W is from Germany, I'm pretty sure that there are still several U.S. colleges in Germany that work with the soldiers and airmen stationed overseas, so you might want to ask about overseas locations as well.

Involve your W with your decions and seek her input... even if she's not going to college with you, this is definitely a "joint" adventure.

Semper Fi,
RIF

SHE wont give me any input. Like i said, ive been trying to get the ball rolling since april, but she is noncommital. I've been thinking about re-enlistment, but its a last resort. If Im going to get out, now is the time to do it. Finances are GREAT right now, no kids, Im still young...etc. If i re-enlist, I might as well stay in and finish my 20...

Hey Ray,

Don't ask her where she'd like to go... pick out several places where YOU'd like to go. If studying in Germany is an option, then put that on your list as well.

Once you come up with 4-5 places, send her a regular letter with a snapshot of the pros and cons of each place... Don't ask her to make a decision right now... just let her soak in what you've sent her. Your goal here is to involve her in YOUR decision, thus making it her's too.

When you get home, you'll have time to make your final preparations for your transition, and hopefully, your W will have given some thought as to which place she likes the best.

This is all about involving her with your decisions, without pressuring her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Semper Fi,
RIF

Ok, sounds like what I did. Nice to know Im on the right track. RIF, did you read my post about exposure? Im interested in any comments you would have on the subject.