Hi,

I've been reading this site for a week or two now and figured I have some questions to ask.

My wife of ten years plays in an orchestra and has been seeing a great deal of one of the bassoonists' to practice. I never really thought much of it, as we had a good marriage and I had no reason to worry.

A month ago she came home from rehearsal a lot later than normal and asked if we could get a takeout rather than me cook. We ate and watched a bit of telly with the kids and had a cuddle. We put the kids to bed and I went to do some bits on the computer while she watched TV. She then came in to see me, ashen faced, and said she had met somone else. I asked if I knew him, she said yes. I said is it P? She said yes.

I cried a lot and asked why she could do this. She said she hasn't loved me me a while and had she known P before me whe would have married him. They are soulmates and all the classic text I have read here. She stayed with him that night to talk things through and she swears it is not, yet, a physical relationship, though they have kissed. He has no partner - he's 38 my wife and I are 35, but has been 'waiting for the right woman to come along'. I am destroyed. He also appears to have counselled other unhappy wives in the past.

We carried on living together for a couple of weeks then I moved to my parents, who are not far away. We have had two major rows since but the rest of the time I have overcompensated and smothered her, before finding this site. I stopped smoking immediately and have joined a gym and lost some wight. I am not overweight by any means but could do with shedding a few pounds.

I want to try and salvage our marriage. What I have read here is great and I am trying to put a Plan A in place. My wife hasn't left me. She is sat on the fence beautifully whilst she decides. I feel she will choose to 'try' but not really try and then say it has failed. She tells me she has not seen P, but I know this to be a lie. He phones several times a day and even phones our house. My wife says it is because he fulfills her needs for company and conversation, two needs I know I have neglected. I have not been a perfect husband, but I have always been there for her. I love her very much - that much has been shown to me in the past 4 weeks, she says she does not love me. We have two beautiful children that I don't want to see being brought up by another man. I can address many of the shortcomings I have, and indeed had already recognosed a number before she told me. I know that, given time, we can salvage this and I want to implement a Plan A. My questions is : Can you successfully implement a Plan A from outside the marital home.

At present we are in a state of 'giving her space' so I am avoinding all contact. But I want to speak to my children. She has asked me to take our son bike riding tomorrow. How do I handle that? Do I Plan A and compliment her and be patient and kind or do I 'give her space' and only pick up my son and not go in the house.

Time is a killer here, each minute seems to be an eternity knowing how little I can do to influence events. We can give our marriage a go, if only WW will let us. I can forgive this EA, until it becomes a PA. Then....I have no idea. I love her. I love my kids. I do not want a loveless marriage. Nor does she. I think we can rebuild love. she thinks I'm trying to 'Make Her' love me and she cannot see a future of any happiness with me. We have had many happy times, and many times of simply being comfortable together. All this cast off so lightly terrifies me. But I want to win her back and regain our lives.

This is very hard.

Dear Wanting,
I too am new here. I just posted for the 1st time yesterday.

I do not know alot about Plan A yet. So I do not know how to advise on that. But If I had to go to pick up my son for a bike ride I personally would chooseto have some contact with my spouse, though keeping it respectful to her need for "space". Just do your best to be pleasant, thoughtful. I'd not try to start any conversation regarding the marriage. I would Just show my happiness at seeing my spouse, however casual and brief it may be, then focus all my attention and affection on my child. Your child probably needs so much love and reassurance right now and needs to see you as strong as possible for his own peace of mind.

Take care of YOU and try to find some peace, know that you are doing all that YOU can do to do the right thing.
YOU are NOT forcing your wife to LOVE you. You are just trying to demonstrate your Care, concern and affection is still alive for her and that you still have hope for your marriage.

For me, HOPE is all I have and all I have ever had in my marriage, even long before my WH ever had his A. We have had the odds stacked against us since before we ever married as far as having a successfull marriage. But we had our love and that is what held us together when things looked like they would end. It is just that we lacked so many tools to deal with things in life. We "flew by the seat of our pants" as it were! And that is how we ended up in this miserable place in life.

I don't know if I have been of any help or encouragement.
Try to be strong for yourself and your child(children).
Take care of YOU and it will shine through!

Be well,
Harmonie

Thanks Harmonie, your comments and thoughts are much appreciated. I have, unintentionally, neglected my wife during the mundane day to day. We have had wonderful times together but she is, and always has been, a strong minded woman and I am an independant man. I forgot to tell her I love her, I just assumed she knew. I'm glad you think a Plan A approach is a thought, her needs for conversation, companionship and affection are all needs I can fulfill. I need them too, and over the last year or two neither of us have fulfilled these needs.

I miss her so much. She misses me not at all.

I hate seeing her hurt and confused. We could so easily fix this but I'm worried she'll make a snap decision and decide to end things. Her comment is that she has been trying for years and I haven't, but when I look at recent photos of us together I see a happy couple, very much in love. Why she won't see that, I really don't know.

Right now it is the sheer confusion that is the worst, not even knowing if she'll try and save a good marriage that needs work. I'll put the work in. I'm terrified she won't.

How long have you lived apart? How often do you talk to each other? Have you begun seeing a counselor? Is she willing?

I am in a similar boat. I amdoing much of the major "foot work" on the restoration of our marriage. I am reading the books, researching info, coming here and reading, learning tools and practicing the skills needed. My H has said as of yesterday he does not want to do the reading and in so many words is not going to do "the work" we have to do to like follow the guide lines suggested by various Therapists.
He says he is willing to talk to me about what I have read and try what I suggest, but that is putting a huge amount of the responsibility on my shoulders. I am the marriage counselor and the BW now! As always the care taker in the relationship!
But despite my frustration by all this, I am willing to do whatever I have to do, so I know in my heart I have done everything I can.

Hopefully your W will see your sincerity in wanting to make changes to repair your marriage. If she can, I hope she will not think it is too late to try again.

Be well,
Harmonie

We've been apart for two weeks. I phone my kids every night.

When I was at home I was smothering her, doing all the housework, expressing love etc and not giving her space. She's v. confused right now and wavers between OM and wanting to try and save marriage. So much of me wants to make it very hard on her to go but she won't leave as the kids 'need her' and 'need stability' and when I point out I can provide that she gets very defensive and accuses me of threatening her with the kids. I had to get out to give her some thinking room, although I also feel it gives her time and space to chat to OM on the telephone. When I point out this whole sorry mess is unfair on the kids, she says 'but they'll be happy when I'm happy' which staggers me with it's selfishness. She's tearing our family apart and justifying it to herself. I don't want to push her away. She won't go. She says's she is thinking about trying to fix the marriage but I almost believe at this stage it's just stalling. When A collapses around her not too sure what will happen. She is using the excuse that I do nothing around the house as one of the reasons, yet OM needs his house doing up to sell and she's going to do it up for him. OM is also going to give up his Orchestras, he plays in 6 as he cannot sustain a relationship, to be with WW. How much resentment will that build. Anger rising now. Must maintain control. Focus on Plan A. Time and patience.

I have to see her 3 times this week, as I'm babysitting my own kids while wife has to work at school, she's a teacher, so will work on plan A. Make sure she has cup of tea when she gets in and prepare some dinner and wash up etc.
I want back into home but too scared to push it.

Hi Wanting,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. You've found a great resource, a great place to be under the circumstances. And I want to say that I am very sorry about those painful circumstances.

My first suggestion to you is to [color:"blue"] post this on General Questions II. [/color] There is A LOT MORE traffic over there and a lot of Plan A/B vets.

I'm sure that one of the first things that will be recommended will be for you to [color:"blue"] move back home. [/color] It is very difficult to Plan A while living apart and yes, you're making it a lot easier for the affair to continue. Tell your wife that your first priority is your marriage and family. You need to be at home to work on both. Don't be the one to move out and abandon your marriage and children. Hopefully she'll also stay and decide that she must give this family all your combined efforts before giving up.

Unfortunately, in spite of your pain, you must be the rock now. You must be the "lighthouse" in her "fog". Muster up your resources. Educate yourself on affairs. Do a lot of reading. "Surviving an Affair" and "Torn Asunder" were really helpful to us. [color:"blue"] Use this site's telephone counselling service.[/color] Steve Harley has saved many marriages. You can get started saving yours on your own. You don't need your wife on board, initially, anyway. Talk to Steve. The prospect of an intact family is worth it.

Much luck to you, Wanting.

Natalie

Move back home immediately.
Do not ask her permission first. Just do it.
THAT IS YOUR HOME AND FAMILY.

She is not entitled to kick you out so that she can conduct her affair more easily.

Take your situation to the General Questions section right away to get more advice.