It has been almost 2 months since D-day and that was the only time I was able to express my anger about this A.
I have tried so hard to keep my feelings in check and to be as upbeat and positive as possible, especially when around my H.

But it is starting to take a toll on me. I am starting to feel resentment and the need to express anger at my WH. There are so many things I wish I could get closure to and things I wish he knew about how I felt as far as my pain and anger. But if I say anything at all that sounds like anger he becomes angery and defensive towards me.
Though he continously says that he understands anything I may say or do in regard to his A, anger is the one thing I feel I am not able to express or work on with him.

Should I try to work through this issue with him?
If so, How?

If not, what do people do?

My MC has been so inept at doinganything in our sessions. All he has done is take notes and will validate my feelings to my husband and says how typical and common this is and that is. After 4 sessions he has yet to tell us whathis "treatment plan" is for us, though he said he had one at the 2nd session.
What do we do with the anger???

I go swimming or to the gym every night for half an hour or so and work it out. And also sit down and write it out. It seems to help, and helps get me back in shape too.

I do journal, have for years. Sometimes I write so much that I spend too much time writting and neglect things I should be doing! Also by all my writting, I have raised so many issues about my anger and have this "desire" to express it to my H. I am affraid if I try to it will come out wrong and I will only make things more difficult. Like I said, he gets very deffensive. Even when telling him something as simple as he forgot to take the garbage out before the truck came will be taken as a personal attack and he gets defensive, regardless of how carefully I choose my words. Even if he knows he was wrong.
I feel like I am in a no win situation right now.

Hi Harmonie,

Sorry you have to be here with us on this site.

I am not an expert... only been about 3months since D-Day... but I can suggest a couple of things.

I agree that journaling is a great way to understand your thoughts, control your feelings, and guage your progress... but remember that anything you write down can be read by your spouse if he looks for it... make sure you are ok with that fact.

Secondly, it is not wrong to express anger, it just has to be done in an appropriate way. Anger is not wrong. Your WH has made some choices that have hurt you. My MC cautioned and reminded me that if I hold in the anger just to appease WW, then when she is really ready to work on the M, my anger will come out and ruin any progress we've made. You can't bottle it up. Just express it in a rational way... or go to the gym. If you yell and scream, you are pushing him away, but to say "I am feeling ... right now" is not a LB. You have the right to talk about your feelings. It is still a risk, and you might choose to give time in between these discussions... but the whole recovery process is a risk. There are no guarantees. But you must look after yourself, your health, your self-esteem, your boundaries first... and by doing so, your H may see you again as the type of person he really wants to be with.

Shaden

One of the wise people here said don't trade "calm for recovery". I think you have to express your anger, just don't do it in an unhealthy way. Journaling does help. Also you could write these feelings in a letter to your H. And give it to him if you are afraid that he will get defensive. That way you can review what you are going to say to him without getting caught up in the moment.

I know that I have faced the anger you feel and there is alot more in me. If you don't work through it I don't think you will totally recover. I think that anger is the toughest feeling to express to the WS because you don't want to "start a fight" when things "appear" to be progressing. But if it's tearing you up, YOU are not progressing. Don't trade calm for recovery.

Thankyou for your kind words. You helped to remind me that I am able to express myself with out turning it into a LB!
I am just reading this book now, after finishing How to Survive An Affair.
In LB, I am at the part that discusses our Giver & Taker. What a concept! How true this description is!
Right now my Taker is trying to come out in a way that is my usual custom and I hate to admit can be very negative. I tend to avoid conflict but withdraw affection. Then I get demanding to serve my own needs. I see this negative trait and have kept this at bay so far and want to change this in myself.
Thankyou for helping me and reminding me where my focus needs to be! [color:"green"] [/color]

Michele,
Thankyou , That is exactly what I have been doing is trading "calm for recovery".
I did just what you suggested last night, I wroteto my H about the uneasyness I am feeling. My words were carefully chosen though it may have sounded as though I was rambling. I tried to make sure he knew I was not blaming or finger pointing. Just let him know how I was feeling about things. In fact, I did not even get specific. I just said that it was feelings I was having that made me un easy.
My hope is that is will open up a dialogue between us about what I am feeling and I can then explain myself more fully.
H & I started a journal together to express feelings to one another. But it turned into mostly a format for love letters. Thats all good... it has been very re affirming for me. Though I wish there was more about the issues we need to deal with. He will avoid responding to point blank questions and comments about my concerns re the OW or the A.
he will just write about us.
But I do see my need to deal with my anger, constructively. I do feel my anger is impeding my ability to heal.
Thank you again!