Heres the situation. WW is having an EA with a friend, classic symptoms as far as I can see. He is her soulmate, she has no love for me etc. I have moved out, to give her space and to ensure the kids have some stability whilst she contemplates whether or not she should try and save our marriage. I am fully committed to trying but am worried that as I have moved out I cannot be there for her.

I doubt the A will last, I cannot believe OM wants two kids suddenly, but I do. WW wants everything nice and easy, wants us to keep being friends and amicable. Whole thing is very sudden but the fog is v. heavy. Do I just keep on Plan A'ing from afar or do I insist that I move back in to my home as I cannot afford to have a second place and much as I love my parents living here again is not a lot of fun.

As she will not make a decision regarding full separation, probably for as long as possible, do I contact OM and tell him to back off? Give us some space. WW insists he is honourable and is not applying any pressure. Yeah right. How much honour in trying to destroy a marriage? But I can't say that to WW, as that is pressure. Everything I say is pressure on her.

Can plan A work from afar. How do you not go insane? How do you get through the day.

D-Day was 17-09-05
Been at my folks for two weeks now. Only 2 mins from marital home.

Sorry you are here, but there is a lot of support here. i have done everything wrong so far, so I won't try to give you advice.

But, move back in now unless you want OM sleeping in your bed. Read plan A, it is a little hard to find but you need to read everything anyway so start digging.

Thanks Jean. My worry is how will WS react if I insist on moving back in. Could cause more pressure and push her away, which I don't want to do. Also I don't want to sleep on the couch for the forseeable future. Much of me says to give her space for a little while, up to the end of next week perhaps. She won't bring OM with kids in the house.

The best way to push her away is to move out, which faciliates the affair. You can't work on the marriage if you aren't there. Moving out just gives her the freedom to carry on the affair unimpeded and even take it to the next level. It is a terrible move that only hurts your chances of recovery and increases your risk of divorce. Giving a WS in an affair "space" only gives them "space" to carry on the affair. It's very common they do bring the OP into the house.

If the WS wants to seperate, they should always be the one to move, never the BS. Doing otherwise only protects the WS from the consequences of their affair and allows them to carry on their affair from the comforts of home, usually in front of the children.

Buy "Surviving an Affair" and read it. Then the advice you get here will make a lot more sense to you. Flying by the seat of your pants, and making it up as you go is a recipe for disaster. Make plans to move back in, but make reading the book a priority.

SD

Do not trust your instincts. Busting up an affair and reconciling your marriage is what MB is all about. Much of it is counter-intuitive. Move back home immediately. Don't ask, just do it. At the very least your children need you there.

Keep posting. You need a plan and you need it now.

Buy SAA, Buy his needs/her needs. Read everything on this site. Dr. Harley has found the best path to marital recovery known to man. It is a narrow path but it does work most of the time.

BTW, are you willing to give up custody of your kids? In the event you do divorce are your kids better of with your WW and OM? Fighting for and getting custody of your kids is easier than you think for a BH and you may feel it necessary to insulate them from this inappropriate behavior. You are not only fighting your WW on this but you must demonstrate to your children that this behavior is unacceptable. I am not suggesting you utilize your children as pawns in this battle to save your marriage rather as a magnet to attrack WW out of the fog and back to her family. Think about it and post your thoughts.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

Just an fyi about leaving, wantingtotry, many courts view this as abandonment; you may be in a position of trying to explain why you left the children with a spouse who has questionable judgement.

Yeah to everything Melody, Mr. Wondering, Jean, and Shattered said.
In addition, move back into Your Bed, let w/w sleep on the couch if she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed with you.
You should be all about marriage, if she wants to seperate, let her do the legwork, not you. Just tell her you don't do divorce, you only do marriage. Don't think by appeasing her, and giving her what she wants that she is going to love you anymore.
Your goal is to show her what her love for the o/m is. A sleazy affair, that has torn up your family.

And keep the kids, they don't need to be exposed to o/m. They have enough to handle without having to deal with that.
By the way, look on the homepage at the links, you can find all about marriage builder's principles there in addition to buying, surviving an affair, his needs her needs and lovebusters. And if you need a little backbone, read Dobson's, Love has to be tough.

Hey Wanting,

Glad to see you found your way over here from JFO and you've gotten some really good responses so far, too. Listen to Melody, she knows of what she speaks. And I love this from kdsheartbreak...



Be the beacon of light, here, Wanting. Your marriage and kids are counting on it. Stand fast for them. Move back in. Tell your wife you are there to protect your marriage and your children from an interloper that is threatening their security and future happiness. Don't allow your children to believe that what these two are doing is acceptable.

BTW, the boards are a lot more active during the week, so don't be disappointed if you don't get a lot of responses tomorrow. Everyone's home concentrating on family!

Nat

Thanks for all the comments. I have bought HNHN and Mot Just Friends, they'll be here in a day or two. I promised my WW space until Tuesday, she wants to decide whether or not to try and save the marriage. I think at that point I will move back in on the grounds I want to save the marriage, even if she doesnt and it's my home. I will be calm and non aggressive about it all. I think I can do a good Plan A, even though 'I haven't made her happy for years' and 'she needs to see if she misses me' which clearly she won't. She is sitting on the fence at the moment and I know I need to get back in begin to provide the care, compassion and affection that has been lacking in our marriage for the last 12 months or so. But it has been lacking from her as well. If she then walks, then so be it.

why give much mind to what she wants to do or not do...

her track record isn't very stellar right now in the decision making arena...

especially since she is willing to put her own children at such great risk for becoming victims of a destroyed home...

who cares what she wants ???

do you at this moment want marriage...
then move from your vantage point and not from hers...

asking a WS if they want to work on the marriage in the middle of an affair is not going to get anyone anywhere..

ARK

ark^^

Wanting, when a WS asks for "space" it really means: "freedom to carry on my affair unimpeded." So, she was not really "deciding" anything, but carrying on her affair in the comfort of YOUR HOME without you there to interfere.

If she really needs "space" it's a good idea to tell her to go out in the garage or in the bathroom and shut the door. Funny how they no longer need "space" when you offer that obvious option. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Wanting-
Im the BS and I also made the mistake of giving the WS space. I actually left my WH overseas in Guam with our children (15 and 9) to go back to university. Of course, my WH was very helpful in convincing me it would 'save our marriage' and I was a complete idiot and believed him. I also confess that the pain of dealing with his affair(s) and his lack (at the time) of doing the MB program, helped me run away. I just didnt want to deal with it anymore. I think I knew we were in a false recovery, but I couldnt face it yet.

Unfortunately, this left my WH with the exact space he needed to run around acting like this wonderful father who was *seperated* from me. He had one group he would tell he was seperated (interestingly enough, they were not people he worked with and most were single), and the others he told the same version he told me (we are fine, she's just finishing her degree). This allowed him to bring an OW into my home under the pretenses of watching our children during overnights to make sure they were getting off to school in the mornings while he worked. She was 19, the daughter of someone he played softball with, and already pregnant with her abusive boyfriend's baby.

The very first night she came to meet my children, my 15 year old son caught them kissing on the couch. All ****** broke loose, of course. And I have to deal with the memory of receiving a phone call in the middle of the night from my husband who confessed being caught because my son hadnt gotten to the phone first. The OW was still in the house when he called me (can you believe he called me "Sweetie" when telling me he had bad news?).

It makes me sick to my stomach wondering if he would have taken her into our bed if my son hadnt walked into the room because he felt somehting wasn't right. It makes me sick that my daughter woke up to screaming and yelling in an otherwise peaceful home and had to chaperone her father and his OW home to make sure nothing happened (her idea). He HURT my children. Unfortunately, it took seeing their pain and my immediate and subsequently short Plan B to wake him the ****** up.

DON'T set yourself up for a situation like that. Get yourself home ASAP and stand firm.

I'm back home now. I took the kids out this afternoon and told WS I'm moving back in. I'm determined to try for our marriage, even if she isn't. She did not like this one bit and is very frosty. We have decided to give it until January to see how things go. She has stated she will not try, she has no interest in trying and can omly see a past where she has been miserable. But yet again she will not move out. I have asked her to carry out NC, she has said she will - we shall see - and I have asked her to spend some time with me each day so we can get to know each other again. She scoffs at this, but we did spend an hour or two talking today before she went to bed at 9.00pm. She is very hostile at the moment but it has all been done with calmness and patience. She keeps saying there is no point in trying, she tried in the past to save the marriage and I didn't pay attention and all her love for me dried up so why should she try now. She may be right, but the next two and a half months will at least clarify many things for both of us.

But she hates me now, tho.

Good job wanting,

Get ready though, because the fun in just starting! have you read all the plan A stuff? Stick around, the advice hear in invaluable.

She is hostile because you have interfered with her affair. And that is ok. It will be your job to do what it takes to bust up her affair, rather than appease her.

Good job, wanting, it is a first steep in the right direction. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks folks. I have read a lot of Plan A. But with only 2.5 months left and absolute hostility I can't see how it can work. She is not really going to try and won't do 'coupley' things. she wants to use the time to work on the house ready for sale and sort out finances etc. I am going to be patient and have left stuff at my folks in case I need to get out rather than argue.

I feel worse for doing this to her. She really doesn't want me in her life.

wanting, first off I would not agree to two months at all. I would tell her that you will not discuss divorce, only marital recovery; you don't "do" divorce. Tell her you will do what it takes to save your marriage. Don't help her divorce you, make her do all the work. Don't agree to put the house up for sale, nothing.

Instead, do a good Plan A ...... starting today. That means 2 things: doing your best to bust up the affair and doing your best to attract her back by avoiding all lovebusting, all fighting and meeting her needs as best you can.

And you are right, she is not at all interested in doing anything with you because she is in the throes of an affair. She will have no interest in you until the affair is ended.

Your only hope is busting up the affair if you want to save your marriage. The best way to bust up the affair is to make it as uncomfortable as possible. And what is the best weapon to achieve that? Exposure. Exposure is ruinous to affairs because they need secrecy to survive. A fantasy cannot survive the light of day for long. Affairs are fantasies based on deceit and fraud, not real love, and once the affairees are forced to explain their actions to others, they begin to see how sleazy and ridiculous they really look. They begin to see themselves through the eyes of others. And it isn't pretty.

Exposure is simply the most effective weapon against an affair I have ever seen, if it is done early and is done completely. Good exposure targets are affairee spouses, parents of both affairees, your parents, close friends, children, and if applicable, workplace management.


What you did "to her" was interfere in her affair, my friend. You feel badly because she is angry. Well, you are going to get used to her anger if you want to save your marriage. Because she will get angry as you interfere with her affair, but that will not kill your marriage. What WILL kill your marriage is this affair. So please don't let her anger avert your from your mission. If you try to appease her at all costs, you will lose your marriage.

Good for you for moving back home. HN,HN is a great starting point, and I also liked Not Just Friends, it was helpful & thorough. I would add Surviving An Affair to your reading list, and reread everything on Plan A on this site so that you don't get confused between not love-busting and being a doormat. At least she's agreed to give it some time; these will be painful months for you unless she is very serious about NC. Was she willing to write a NC letter to OM??? Does she read here?
NTL