Want, is there some reason you haven't exposed her to the orchestra? You know, if she still sees him there that means she is still in contact. She can never withdraw from him as long as she sees him there. Exposure there might cause pressure on the affair.

I am really concerned here, because you are only showing her the carrot of Plan A, not the stick. She can go on forever like this having two men meet her needs if she has no motivation to end her affair.

Did you actually tell her father that she is having an affair? Does he have the facts? Another thing to consider is meeting with the OM and asking him what his intentions are for your wife. It is helpful for him to be able to see a real, live person and put a face to a name. It would also convey to him that you are quite serious about saving your marriage and give you a chance to expose any lies she has told him.

I did ask BobPure about Relate and they almost destroyed his marriage by counseling his wife to seperate from him. They are completely inept when it comes to adultery issues. They are now happily married but if they had followed Relates advice, they would likely be divorced today. Relate is NOT pro-marriage and will not help save your marriage, but will rather, faciliate a seperation or a divorce. He recommended MarriageCare, which is pro-marriage.

Mine will. What's the alternative? A stony silence. I need to try and engage her, at least. I owe it to my failings as a husband and to my kids to keep on trying to prove to WW that our continued marriage has to be a consideration.

Don't I?

wanting, the best way to prove to her that you will be a different H in the future is not to plead or reason with her [futile tasks] but to demonstrate it. You should also know that she is exaggerating her past unhappiness about your poor husbandry in order to justify her affair. So please don't give too much credence to this partially false premise, ok? It will just embolden her.

And please don't lose sight of who the victim is here. There is nothing you have done that holds a candle to the cruelty and destruction she has wrought with her affair. Nothing you have ever done in the past justifies an affair.

Hi Melody, I thought talking to the OM was very risky. The FIL knows about the affair but is concerned for daughters 'happiness' and she denies anything more than friends although has confessed to FIL that she will text OM 'in secret'. I know FIL is worried but he won't take a stand. I don't know what picture she has built of me to FIL with her re-written histories. I'm Plan A'ing like crazy and will keep doing so.

Orchestra is only part time and amateur (4 concerts a year, maybe ten rehearsals) so not much to do there. We're not religious and no-one seems to want to get involved.

Want, risky in what way? Steve Harley has counseled clients to do this with good results. There really is no risk unless you think you can't control yourself and would punch him out. Otherwise, there really is no downside and it would let him know that you are very serious about protecting your family from him. Being able to meet you would allow him to see a real, live man instead of the demon she has described.

I am not clear why you would not want to expose to the orchestra? If your marriage is to recover, she can't continue to play on the orchestra anyway. Might as well cause some discomfort and embarrassment for them there. Why would pass up this opportunity?

Cos I'd like him to quit the orchestra. Interestingly she has just agreed to do the EN questionnaire, although is still convinced I can't make her happy long term and she has found a man who can. So after dinner tonight we shall do it together. Her comment was I have tried for years, looking after the kids and the house to show you I wanted the marriage to work - these are not my needs tho.

Wish me luck, everyone. We're taking the kids for a walk.

wanting, I am still not following you. Why would he quit the orchestra? Exposing the affair to the orchestra would put great pressure on the affair and make it much harder for them to carry on. Exposure is ruinous to affairs.

She won't believe that you can make her happy until the affair ends. That is why it is somewhat fruitless to try to reason with her or educate her until you have done everything to bust up the affair.

OK, been a slight pause for a couple of days. The last four days have been great. WW talking and attentive, we even looked at some houses last night and watched bad tv together and laughed and talked.

Then...today. Tears, tantrums. I hate you's, I never loved you's. I want you out, but nearby. True rollercoaster stuff. I stayed calm. I questioned NC and was told WW had had a text a few days ago. I pointed out that she had therefore lied to me. I kept calm. I restated my position. I know this is all part of the emotions but it's terrible to watch. In the end I had to go out and clear my head before we had a major arguement. I left and she was reading 'Not Just Friends'. I think she's reading it to find reasons to leave.

I feel the knot in my stomach has now left me. Is that bad or good? I'm not that scared anymore. I just feel that I can only do what I can do. WW sees no future. WW sees only a painful past. WW cried most of today. Is that normal. We had four great days. She says she was only being courteous to me. That stung. She says she doesn;t want to withdraw from OM. I am a mistake that should not have ever happened. OM told her that she gave him meaning. I told her that OM wants to get into her pants and doesn't want two kids. WW says why would he say that then. I shut up at that point, if she can't see that there is no point ot anything, really. I had such high hopes this morning. I feel so bad tonight.

Wanting, I think he has just dumped her. She is saying alot of things that a normal, fogged out WS says: "no future, I never loved you," yadda yadda yadda. Just be patient and don't let her bait you into a fight.

There isn't much you can do to save the marriage, though, until contact really does end. She won't go into withdrawal until that happens, and your marriage will not recover until she withdraws.

Thanks Melody, I know. I'm being patient and exposing where I can. I had 4 days of my wife back with me, although without physical contact, and I was so happy. Then it all went boom. I'll keep plan A'ing. I'm better for it.

Went home lunchtime to quickly paint my lads shelves so I can put them back up at the weekend, his room is a tip at the moment, I thought wife and kids would be out. They weren't. Instead I got an apology from wife about last night and an apology that she wouldn't let me hold her when she was crying and upset. Then I got a big hug.

She says she will try.

A weekend reprise. We had a nice family day on Saturday, visiting the Living Rainforest in Newbury. A good day out that the kids enjoyed. A few tears on the way down, but WW also looked at houses in the newspaper. Something I have said we'll do is move somewhere a bit bigger next year. She did ask an odd question - "Why do you want to be married to me" to which I could only reply, simply, "Because I love you and I love our kids and I want to make things right between us". When we got home, I cooked dinner, very nice pork chops, with lemon juice, sage and butter, and we put the kids to bed. Later on I went out for an hour for some air and then we sat and watched TV until midnight. We both fell asleep on the sofa, which was kinda nice really.

Sunday was fairly good too, I took a cup of tea up in the morning, having forgotten that the clocks have changed, and WW reached out for my arm and allowed a cuddle. No SF, but a cuddle - which was good for me. Breakfast was a bit tearful, the same questions from WW as to why we shouldn't stay together. I had to take DS swimming so had to go, and signed myself up for the sponsored swim on Nov 20th - get a bit more involved in things. Then finished his room when I got back. The rest of the day was spent tidying the house and getting ready for the week and some Xmas shopping - which is very difficult. I then cooked a roast dinner, an excellent beef joint, and we put the kids to bed. I went out for a while and then we sat and watched telly and chatted before WW went to bed.

She's not very well this morning, so I suggested she stayed home rather than go to work. We hugged before I left. She seems to be saying "Thank You" a lot and is almost grateful for the attention I'm giving her. I'm terrified of being optimisitc but I'll keep on going as long as I can.

Gym tonight for an hour. That'll help.

It's my younger brothers wedding this weekend. 3 days in a cottage in Exeter, with my entire family and many friends nearby. This will be a real test for WW. And me.

I feel very drained at the moment. My energy levels are low and I feel very tired of putting my heart and soul into this for no response. WW complained last night how 'dull' her life is. I asked her what would bring her excitement. She had no response. Same again this morning. I simply told her to go and find her excitement and I'll stay her and raise the kids and put what I can into our 13 year relationship and 10 years of marriage. But if she wants to go and seek excitement then not to come to the wedding but instead to spend the three days packing up her stuff. I know it's an LB but I'm fed up with the snide remarks and the lies. I was calm and not angry and no raised voices. But I cannot believe the sheer selfishness of the woman I call my wife.

I don't know who she is. I hope I still care. It's just so very tiring.

Curiously, she was brighter at breakfast and even chatted a bit.

Round and round and round we go.

A quick update. The weekend was excellent. After a frosty drive down to Exeter, about 3.5hrs, during which WW barely spoke to me, I was fearing the worst. We arrived at the cottage around 11.30pm, kids and WW fast asleep. The cottge was magnificent. Recently refurbished, a barn conversion. I offered a silent 'Thank You' at that point. WW said later that the cottage really lifted her spirits when she saw it.

The marriage was eventful, very emotional for WW - particularly the commitments made between my brother and hos bride. I let WW cry over that - why should I offer any sympathy when I'm fighting for the marriage and she isn't. However, my family were great and treated WW well, tried to ensure she had a good time, which I believe she did. I tried to ensure she had a relaxing time, too, and did most of the cooking and cleaning and offered her support. I did question NC, and she assures me she has not been in contact with OM. I have to believe her.

All in all a very good weekend, one I hope whe will remember. She is talking again of moving house...but who knows.

Incidentally, baked scones with my son yesterday. They are excellent. In the afternoon when my daughter was back from pre-school we painted the stones we collected from the beach over the weekend.

WW had picked up a heart shaped stone and given it to me. I painted a heart on it and gave it back again.