Hi,first timer here,although I spent alot of time on a different divorce mb.
My story,Me and my wife have been married 9 years,lived together 2 years before that.I'm 40,she is 36.We have two kids between us,ages 4 & 7.
Last 5 years have not been good for us.I ignored her.Showed hardly any affection towards her and romance was nil.
I was a bad husband,no abuse of any sort,just alot of drinking and pot smoking,and internet porn.
Our sex life was still pretty good,but could have been alot better.I have hurt her alot of the years for not caring.
She finally said enough 2 months ago.I moved into my oown place 6 weeks ago.
Since then I have been to treatment and counseling.Got meds for my ADHD.Man,what a world of difference it made to me.
I have changed alot in a short time.I now know what I have lost and I want her back so bad.She still loves me and misses me,but she just needs time to heal and to see if the changes I have done will hold.
To me,I am done with all that bad stuff.I'm a new person now.And she recognizes that.
We where set to divorce in 2 months but she put that on hold for 6 months.
We have been talking and tomorrow we have a lunch date.
We have been very civil during this whole process toward each other.
I started sending her cards every once in awhile and have told her how much I love her and miss her and that I want to begin a more fulfilling relationship with her.Give her romance and everything else I failed to do in our marriage.
I just want her so bad now and she does not know if she wants me or not.I will give her all the time she needs.
Do you think it will work out between us?

kdodg -

Will it work out? No one knows for sure, but your sitch does sound promising.

I didn't see you mention that either of you were/are having an Affair ----- You might want to post on Emotional Needs or Divorced/Divorcing to get the best advice.

Just don't give up & continue telling your wife how important she is to you and how much she means to you.

Good Luck!

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS age 6
Married 13 years
Plan B 10-11-05 No Contact so Far!

There was no affair on my end,but a month prior to us splitting up,I saw a phone number on her cell phone that was questionable.It turned out to be an old friend who we use to hang out together with before we got serious.And she talked to him every day.I confronted her about it and she said he lives 600 miles away and is married and was just talking to him about what was going on between us.So I let it go,but track of her cell phone bill.
3 weeks after I moved out she was going on a much need long weekend to the beach.I waited til she was there and called this guys house.His wife answered and said that he was at that beach to .His wife was 8 months pregnant then.So I told her what I knew and she also suspect something was going on.So I called my wife and left a message on her phone saying that I knew what was going on.Then I called her dad and best friend and told them what she doing.When she got back,she said that nothing happened,she did not want to do anything that she would regret.They were just meeting up for his b-day.I don't know if anything happened or not,I don't know what to believe.
So I have just let it go for now.I will ask if she is still talking to him before we get to deep in getting back together.And it was funny that she decided to delay the divorce after that.She said that she wanted it to look like something was going on to hurt me.It worked.

She probably decided to delay the divorce because you messed up her affair, kdog. I wouldn't consider getting back with her until you know what was/is going on with her affair and are certain it is over. Unless you intend on just being man #2 in a harem. I would check with the OM's W and also check her cell phone bill. Be sure and tell the OM's W that your W has put off the divorce and you are talking about reconciliation. If they are still together, the OM needs to know this.

I've been going to couseling for awhile and she agreed to go with me on my next visit.She tells me that she just wants to "hang out" with me and talk and just see where it leads.You know,right after I discovered what was happening on her little trip,we did not really talk much,accept dealing with the kids and I was ready to get on with the divorce.Then she called me the following weekend crying saying how much she had missed me and if I wanted to come over.We had a good talk but she did not want me to think that she was leading me on.I never brought up that weekend or if she was still talking to the OM.I just now the OM is out of that house now.Maybe I'll call the OMW to see how she is doing.MY W probably felt really bad for what happened to the OM!Oh,well.I am debating on when to bring it up with her.I read the article on this and will utilize it,but for now I will see where things go.

kdog, you realize this is not something you can just sweep under the rug, don't you? I suspect this affair is one of the reasons she wanted to split up. This may have been going on for quite some time and you will have to have a discussion about it.

if the OM has left his wife, why? Is he still seeing your W? You need to know this. As her H, this is information about YOUR LIFE to which you have a right to know. This is information that is being wrongfully withheld from you.

It may be that the affair was the basic problem all along but if you have the facts, you can't possibly fix the problem.

I know exactly when it started.First contact between the two of them was 7/20/05.We separated8/16/05.
And this guy did not leave his W,her and her girlfriends packed his crap up and left it outside for him when he returned.He was thrown out.And ,besides me and my W live 600 miles from OM.
I'm thinking about waiting til we meet the therapist together to bring it up.And she doesn't know this but I got her credit card records and she bought alot of stuff from victorias secret,ect and spent $72 at a local adult store the weekend before her trip.But I will talk to the W before we get to far into this.

Good, kdog, because it does have to be discussed. The timing sure sounds like an affair to me.

Where does the OM live now? Are they still in contact? Is he still seperated from his W?

But,anyways the way I look at it is she did 1 thing 1 time and I hurt her for several years.

I just got off the phone with her to comfirm a lunch date tomorrow.Then she ask what I was doing for my b-day next Friday,and I said it was going to be me and the kids and a cheese cake.She ask if she could take me somewhere and I said sure.I was shocked,because a couple of days ago I ask about going on a date and she said she was not ready for that ,but lunch was ok.

The OM is still in VA,because of his job and cannot afford to leave it because he is paying CS from a previous marriage and will have to pay for the new baby.I don't know if the OM OMW are still separated or not,but when I talked to the OMW she sounded pretty sure of herself that he was out of there.

kdog, no doubt that both sides of the fence need to be addressed, but her affair cannot be overlooked. This wasn't a "one-time" thing, though. She clearly had an emotional affair with him before meeting him in person. And likely continued with the affair afterwards. That has to be addressed. The bad things you did in the marriage are no justification for an affair.

And it will be addressed.When I told my therapist about it and that I was willing to let it go,he said good then don't ever bring it up.I'll just wait awhile to see how sincere the W is.One thing we are agreeing on is to put the past behind us and move foward and see where things go.

How will you deal with the problem if it is not addressed, kdog? A problem is not going to be solved if it is ignored. The solution is not to sweep the real issue under the carpet, lest this happens again. Recovery must be based on openness and honesty in order for it to be effective. And the only way to recover your marriage is to do so with a serious approach to being honest.

A recovery based on deceit or secrecy is not very likely to succeed. You should not trust your W as long as she has secrets with the OM to which you are not privy.

Have you read any of Harley's articles about what it takes for a marriage to survive? One of the foundations is honesty. Check this out: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html

Yes,I read the article,and you are right.It will be one of many issues that we will deal with.I don't have many issues with her but this one is big,and the main reason is I would never cheat.If I thought porn was cheating I would have never done that.I am very loyal when it come s to that and I plan on building a stronger marriage.I have learned so much about myself and how to make my W happy,but I have a long way to go still.I have been very honest with her since all this started,but she needs to do the same also.Thank you for your input.It really helps me realize what I have to do and what she has to do.

Good luck, kdog, I am happy you are getting your life back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />