I am to be married for the second time in my life on November 5th. Just three weeks from now. I have been having some problems with some of the things that my fiance does.

1. He only discusses and makes decisions about his children with his mother. He had decided that his 10 year old son would not be coming to our wedding after he discussed it with his mother. She told him that since his son was not in the wedding (my fiance's decision) that it would be better for him not to come at all. My children are in the wedding (on my side). My fiance didn't even ask his son to come.

2. The other thing that bothers me is the comments he makes about he can't wait to get married so he can get a checking account together so he can send his ex-wifes child support check with our names on it. He says he likes to piss her off.

Just wondering what anyone's opinions on this would be. Thanks for reading this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am married (soon not to be) to a man who was mightily controlled by his mother. You're looking at large red flags and you need to pay attention to them.

He was a wonderful person to date-attentive, bought gifts constantly, sent flowers, kind, considerate, etc...
Not long after we married he became quite and brooding. So very angry for no reason and refused to discuss why other than to say that I had offended his mother. I asked how I offended her and never got an explanation.

Needless to say we had a very difficult marriage. After doing much research I've discovered that he's the clinical definition of a "momma's boy." They often have deep seeded hatred for the control their mother inflicted on them but it's not safe to express that to her, so he expresses it where it's safe. More often than not on the wife. It's a miserable life for everyone.

Why would he not want his son there or more importantly why does his mother not want the son there? The comment that he likes to make his ex-wife angry is also a red flag. She more than likely still is the target for that anger and you may become her replacement.

If you're going to continue this relationship, then get into intense pre-martial counseling now. Don't ignore those red flags.

The fact that you're here posting shows that you have concerns with these things. Go with your gut! There are MAJOR red flags here. And unfortunately, November 5 is right around the corner! Have you asked him why he didn't invite his son to participate, much less want him to attend, the wedding? What was his response? It will only serve to alienate his son from you (his stepmother) which is not a good way to start off. The son will always wonder why YOU didn't want him there (he'd be thinking surely his dad would want him...). Or is it possible he didn't want his son there to "piss off" his ex-wife?

As for the checking account comment - another red flag. How long has he been divorced? What were the circumstances of their marriage breakup? That comment shows unresolved anger, and possible control issues too.

Is there any way you could postpone the wedding? It's been shown that second marriages have a statistically low success rate - taking care of business up front (like these issues) would certainly help yours to be more successful.

Wow, what great insite you have and I appreciate it. I never thought about his anger that way but it makes alot of sense. He does have anger issues and he does direct them at his ex-wife, but may toward me one day. I have not taken any of this lightly and I am working on a solution and a possible postponement of the wedding. I have 3 weeks to make some hard choices. I want all of this resolved before I take my vows.

The reason his mother didn't want his son there is because my children are playing active roles for me in the wedding and she didn't want her grandson to feel left out(something I totally understand), but my fiance failed to tell her that he was the one that decided he didn't want him to to play an active role in the ceremony. I think this is disrespectful to me.

Thank you sooo much you have opened my eyes.

He wants to hurt his ex-wife by paying support with checks issued in both your names? Uhhm. So he hopes your marriage will be a weapon to use against the mother of his son? Even is this was a joke, it would pull me up short.

He's focussing too much on his ex-wife with that thought. Not enough on the relationship you two and all the children will have. He isn't really through with her if he has such negative energy directed her way.

If he hurts/humiliates the ex, he strains his relationship with his son. He's already doing that by not including the child in the wedding ceremony the way you are including your children. That action alone is going to cause hurt feelings and divisiveness between the sets of children for decades and possibly sent the young man into heavy duty therapy.

That he made this decision with his mother's input and not by talking it over with you or with his ex-wife (who would have the best interests of her little boy at heart) tells me he's not a healthy man.

If you marry this guy your marriage will last as long as you help him to "get back" at her with any mean thing possible. You'll always be part of a triangle.

You'll be part of the triangle with him and Mommy Dearest. The outsider.

You'll be part of the triangle with him and his ex. The weapon.

You'll be part of the triangle with his little boy. And that role is going to be damaging no matter what you try to do to ameliorate it. Because you have no control. Your fiancee and his mother are in league to hurt the ex, and they don't care what the little boy suffers.

Want another triangle? You, your children (as a unit) and the little boy. He will act out against you in a power struggle. He's already second best, not included in the ceremony. He'll want to "get back".

How about you, the little boy, and his Daddy. Your fiancee is too selfish to put himself in place of either his child or in place of his bride to be. He doesn't have the ability to observe himself from outside and see how shamefully he is behaving. Not like a man, but like a stunted little boy. He won't consider the ethics or morals of what he does to either of you. Nor will he consider the impact of his actions upon your children.

Less harm can come from postponing your wedding for a year than can come from getting married anyway and thinking you can fix this. Step back, observe. And if possible, have a talk with his ex. She knows him better than you do. And she's not your enemy.

I think your fiancee is dangerous. I don't mean violent, I mean he's irresponsible and leaves chaos and hurt in his wake.

ah, first, what do you mean by all of this? you won't be able to resolve any fiancee's latent anger problems or momma's boy issues in three weeks.

second, its hard to pull the plug with about three weeks to go, but sometimes the hardest action to do is the best action. . . sometimes not, but many times, yes.

keep asking questions and keep an open mind.

wiftty

Run from momma's boy as quickly as possible.

It's a whole lot easier to cancel a wedding than it is to cancel a marriage.