I really need some advice here.

We have a very dear friend of ours who was diagnosed with a brain tumor last month. Well they did surgery yesterday and found the tumor has taken over most of her brain.

Her partner called me today on my way to work to break the news to me. I had no idea what to say to her, she is devestated. The doctors said they are going to try radiation but they only expect her to live another 2 to 3 weeks. She is only 45 yrs old.

As I was at work I kept thinking to myself why is this happening to her? Here I am being so devestated by what my H is doing to me and here is someone I care about a lot dying. How can I even compare the two. One thing is I know my H is going to be alive whether we are together or not. My friend is losing her partner to death, I can't even imagine the pain.

So anyway what I need to know is , WH needs to be told this is happening but I am not sure if I should be the one to tell him or not. He cares for these two people as much as I do and he will be devestated like I will. I don't want DD to have to tell him and I think he needs to know.

I have thought about what this may do, because I know we would have to see each other at the funeral if he goes. This has made me take stock on life and realize its to short or unpredicatable to live like this.

it has made me wonder why can't we show the people we love how much we love them because you never know when your time will come. it makes me wonder if I will ever have the chance to show my H how much he means to me before its to late.

I realize today that my life although its not a bed of roses right now is so much better off than my friend who is facing this awful thing. I can't even imagine what it would be like to loose your partner in this way.

So how should I handle this situation? I know he needs to be told and I also know I may have to come fact to face with him through this tragedy. How do I do it?

Mail a note.

Sweetie, you HAVE shown him.

Let a mutual friend tell him the news. I have a feeling that part of you thinks this news may change things -- that it will turn him around. You will be very disappointed if it's not a fog-cutter, and it probably won't be. (I speak from experience on this one.) Please don't get me wrong: I said only PART of you, but don't be blind to it.

Stay dark. Others can tell him. It is HIS decision to cut you off -- you are just protecting yourself from the GREAT, GREAT harm he is doing you.

A.M.

I guess that would be the best way to handle it . I don't any of our friends who would call out to OW's home but I will try and find someone to do it.

You may be right in the fact that deep down inside I was hoping it would jolt him some into thinking. But in reality I know that won't happen....

Your right I will find someone else to tell him this news.

oklahoma

what about writing a note and having your daughter give it to him or mailing it?

Dear Hurting,
Yes, it does give you a differant perspective when you realize someone you care about is about to loose the most precious gift of all. I agree with A.M., you must stay dark. Do not break your plan. If you feel he should know get a friend to tell him, that will have more impact than if you do it.

As far the funeral goes, you will cross that bridge when you come to it. I would not make contact with him thre. If he trys to make contact with you, be polite, turn and walk away.
with love,

VTY

Hurting,

I am so sorry you are loosing someone so dear to you. Still, knowledge of imminent death does give us a chance to say goodbye. Do what you can to make her last days more comfortable and meaningful. Read to her. Hold her hand. Bring her an ice cream cone.

What a terrible way to go. I hope that she is not in too much pain.

(((((hurting)))))
Let a mutual friend call WH or write him a note. Stay dark. We are with you.

I'm so terribly sorry about your friend. It does add a bit of perspective to things but I'm sad that you have so much to deal with at the moment. TT

You're using the news to facilitate contact and have a WS become a fWS because of the "eye opening" news.

He is not gonna hear the news, turn on tim mcgraw and realize that life is short and he should "love deeper and speak sweeter" like Tim says in his song...

He will only learn to live like he's dying when he sees HIS world...HIS life crumbling around him.

WS have to hit rock bottom.

When stuff like this happened to my xwh, he would see it this way: Gosh. I've so little time left! I gotta be MORE wayward!

See hon? This works both ways.

You gotta only be able to control what you can control and learn how to admit that to yourself. You control ONLY you...not your wH, not your kids.

And I would let a friend tell him...NOT YOUR DAUGHTER. Let's work to get her outta the middle ok? And I think the WS knows where she stands already.

Only when their lives are altered, does anything get thru to the extremely foggy.

Your WH is out there right now. REally out there. He's trying to punish you financially and force you to accept HIS life HIS way.

He is not gonna bend anytime soon...unless life comes knocking at HIS door and he doesn't like what he's being served daily from ow on a silver platter. You can count on that.

Everyone is right I will not be the one to tell him. I was not going to have DD tell him at all. I don't want her ivolved in this anymore.

I will find someone to let him know whats going on.

TY all for your help