Mrs. STOWaway,

I'm new here. What is NNW? I couldn't find meaning.

Soooohurt, NMW is just my abbreviation for her name, NotMyWay... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi, it's me! It was an unbelievably hard wekend, but I am better as a result! My H and I both took off work Friday and had a huge discussion and I told him everything without the graphic details. He still does not want to know thw OM's name and I can respect that. He has however stopped using OM for our lawn service and has told me to look into one of OM's co-workers instead. I am so happy that things are looking better, but OM is still popping up and the other day I saw him with his daughter and I became physically ill. How does one deal with the fact that your own selfish, needy, stupidity could have cost a little girl her daddy. I am so ashamed and saddened by what I've done. I am finally looking into the counseling (marriage)today. b I hope and pray that what I've done and what OM has done will not hurt anymore people. It is still going to be hard to see him and not get "ill" but it's better than seeing him and wanting him so badly I ache. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers while I attemot to fix the mess I've made. You guys are the best thing that could have happened to me during all of this! THANK YOU ALL for your honesty,
Felicia <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Not so easy........so, I guess I will take it day by day! OM's best friend now knows and is an acquaintance of my husbands! I am so scared of my son and his wife and kids getting caught in the middle of all of this!
For anyone out there reading this while contemplating an affair..........Don't think for a second that just because your both married it will be a safe "fling" with no strings attached! Not only do all affairs come with strings attached, but married with children affairs come with a whole darn ball of rope and everybody gets hurt in the process.
Admitting that I screwed up was easy, admitting to my husband was hard, possibly having to admitt to my 15 yr old son will be devastating!
Depression only involves the others around you deeper into your problem, so you just keep it all bottled inside and act like you have a handle on all of it until you think you're going to explode!! But, in the end, you have no one to blame and no right to feel sorry for your self because you brought all of this drama into your home! WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THIS??

Not,

I won't answer your last question, but I do think you are missing an opportunity here. You said and rightly so You then said
Here is the opportunity, talk to your H. Tell him how you feel and why. Tell him he doesn't have to solve anything but you need him to listen to you and offer any suggestions he might. YOU NEED HIS HELP. Also consider getting some counseling...a good third party to discuss things with.

You are not supposed to go through this alone, although you alone made the decisions. That is why YOU are married and I have a feeling your H will help you more than you can imagine if you ask him for help.

Finally, you are then the depths of a "guilt trip". That is NOT good. I will offer you my standard lecture on guilt/remorse (many here have heard this from me for years <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> )

Guilt is an emotion that stops action. It is supposed to stop you from doing something( you would feel guilty if you did it), or stop what you are doing(you feel guilty doing it). But Guilt after the fact stops you from recoverying and that is what your H needs more than anything.

Remorse is different in that it is supposed to lead to action. I feel remorseful because...therefore I am goint to do ... to make up for it. Do you see the difference? You need to feel remorse, it should lead to concret actions on your part. I would strongly suggest that it leads to concrete actions toward your H. It might lead to sitting your H and your son down and telling your son the truth. I would discuss this with your H if I were you.

My feeling based on no information about the details of your life is that your son probably detects something is/has been wrong. It is very possible that you telling you son about this can be done in a way to illustrate the "strength of your H" and how you "respect him" for forgiving you. Further, it could be used as a lesson for how to handle messing up in ones life. You don't run from it, you face it, you deal with it, and you LEARN from it.

What have you learned about yourself? What have you learned about your H? What have you learned from your H? And what do you think your H has learned? You and your H need to discuss this. A's are bad things, but good things can be learned from them, and good marriage can be built based on how one responds to them.

Are those lessons your son would do well to learn? Possibly, think about it, discuss it with your H, and then together you decide on the best course of action. It is very likely better your son hear from you and H rather than second hand from someone else.

Just thoughts, but I hope they encourage you to think.

God Bless,

JL

NMW, I am so glad that you are being open and honest with your H. It is the best path to recovery. It sounds like you realize what this has caused.

Keep reading, keep posting, keep working on yourself and your M. I'm glad you are looking into counseling. Have you considered counseling thru MB? I cannot recommend it highly enough. $185 per session, the # is on this site. You will only be counseled as long as you need it. H&I graduated last night from MB counseling with Jennifer Chalmers! Probably 8 sessions total since March 2005? Well worth the money, best counseling we've ever had, or coaching I should say.

MSA

So, he called last night and we talked! He wanted to just say "Hi and touch base with me to make sure I was doing ok and to let me know he was thinking about me". I was half asleep from just pulling a 14 hr shift @ the clinic when he called, so I was a taken off guard and we talked for a little bit. Once I got my senses back I told him to go back inside his house to his wife and kids and hung up the phone. I wasn't angry at him for calling (truth be said it was nice to hear from him and to know he was thinking about me). I was angry that I didn't take controll of the conversation sooner than I did. How can just his voice make me smile and forget everything else, when I know how toxic we are together?

My husband decided we can do this without the counseling! I disagree. but am not going to make waves after what I've done to him. I told him i had already set up an appointment and he insisted that I cancell it! He doesn't want anyone knowing our business! What now?

I would recommend you get in individual counseling immediately then, to work on your issues with this. Can you meet with the MC even if he won't go? You can still counsel with the Harleys even if he won't, I recommend it highly. Just try one appt and see what you think (I'm not on commission, honest, just a happy customer!!)

Your H may want to join you later, or be willing to talk to Harleys on the phone for one session later or something... but you should go. You will need it to get past this A and these withdrawal feelings.

As your H gets angrier and reveals more hurt & pain about all of this, you will feel driven to OM probably, since he SEEMS like the "nice guy" - not so nice to let you ruin your family. BUT it FEELS that way at the time.

Love your H, love your H, love your H, love your H. No drama. No chaos. No lovebusters. Listen, hug, help, heal.

MSA

Went trick or treating with my sis and her 2 kids and ran into OM, his wife and their 3! I became sick on my stomach and he looked like he was about to die! I can't keep doing this anymore! If I just stop thinking about it and rehashing it, maybe it will all go away! I have never felt so low and disgustingly filthy in all my life! I appreciate all of your help and suggestions, and hope one day I will be able to say "All of us involved got thru this without too much damage and are better for it", but right now I just want to not hate myself! I drink now and cry now and can't quit bring myself to talk to God anymore! Life sucks and I just have to find a way to get thru it without reliving it all every day of my life! Thank you all again! God bless!