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Ok, so I'm new here and not really sure if this is the place for me, but if you have advice for me, I'm all ears, well eyes I guess. Ok, so here's the story. I am Active duty Navy, and recently got back from a 7 month deployment, during which I found out that my husband was traveling home to see his exwife, with our daughter. I found out that he had been in touch with her and various ex girlfriends for almost 2 years. I didn't know what to do, so I began talking to a friend of mine who was having problems with his g/f. When we got home, he ended up breaking up with her, and H and I were still fighting and I ended up sleeping with "friend" once...only once, I haven't told H as of now, but here is where it gets interesting, I'm pregnant, 9 weeks and it is entirely possible that the baby belongs to "friend" I don't know what to do, I'm not sure if H is still talking to all the other girls, but I do know that he is still in touch with a few of them, he has their numbers in his cell! I've asked him about it and he tells me that I'm paranoid and that he isn't going to quit talking to his friends just because I'm worried about it. Any advice on what to do would be greatly appreciated! Thanks so much.
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I have always been a believer in taking things to the grave, especially if it can be harmful to many people. Now don't do this unless you believe that you and your husband have a future. If you guys get divorced, it's not fair for him to pay for a child that is not his. If you both stay together, I don't see the harm in just you and God knowing the truth. This is just my opinion, there are probably other's out there who may have some advice that is better. I wish you nothing but the best.
April - Affair
May - OW tells H that she's pregnant
June - OW's H calls to inform me of affair and pregnancy
August - Present - Working diligently on marriage. In counseling at church.
December - OC Born - NO CONTACT!
May - DNA TEST NEGATIVE - MY H IS NOT THE FATHER. THANK GOD.
My new Title - BS w/ OCS (Betrayed Wife with Other Child Scare)
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i think i would disagree with crazyhurt. if you are serious about rebuilding your marriage i think you need to come clean to your husband. He may or may not be heading or already been down the same path were on in terms of cheating but if in my opinion, if you truly love him, you will afford him the dignity of at least knowing the truth of the situation he is involved in and to make his decisions on that basis. if you dont, you are going to be living on eggshells for the rest of your life. What happens if, god forbid, your child needs blood or tissue donation. The truth is going to come out quick then.
Not to be indelicate here but following your ONS, have you been to the doctors to get tested. I know it is not something you will like to think about but you have no idea where this friend of your has "been", not do you know where his ex girlfriend has been. if you are sleeping with your husband, then you are potentially putting him at risk as well.
There are many great resources on this website that will help you rebuild your relationship with your h but you cant do that if you cannot begin that rebuilding process in honesty. as painful as it will be for your h, it will be a damn site less painful that him accidentally discovering 10 years from now.
I wouldnt by the way, mention anything about this pregnancy to the other man. If you want to rebuild then that is a complication that at this time you really dont need.
One final thing. I kind of get the sense from what you wrote that you feel like your h drove you into the arms of this other man by having contact with his ex wife either against your wishes or without your knowledge. i could be completely wrong here so forgive me if i am out of line but....that is such BS and if you have any hope of sucessfully sorting your marriage out you had better lose that kind of thinking right now.
There is nothing, absolutely nothing your husband could have said or done that could have justified breaking your vows and sleeping with your friend. He might have been the meanest son of a gun you can imagine, he might have actively set out to not meet a single one of your needs but we are all adults here and adults take responsibility for their feelings and if they have a problem, they talk about it with their partner. They dont run to the nearest set of available arms (or anything else for that matter) when the going gets tough. In essence, your h may have helped contribute to a situation where you felt alienated from him, but it was you and you alone who took those final steps and you need to own that.
I know you are in turmoil right now and i did not say that to try and be mean or hurt you. i just truly beleive that you are going to have to set aside that kind of thinking if you want your marriage to survive.
best of luck to you both. If you do tell your h as i hope you will, you might want to point him in this direction as there is alot of accumulated wisom and compassion here which he might be able to benefit from.
Carolyn
BW -33 (Me)
WH-38
M- 4 years/together 10
OC (girl) born 03/03
D-Day 08/02
True friends stab you in the front - Oscar Wilde
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I'm willing to admit that Carolyn's comment seems more than reasonable. I do believe total silence can be an option, just maybe not the best one for you, you have to decide. Take heed in what Carolyn had to say.
God bless.
April - Affair
May - OW tells H that she's pregnant
June - OW's H calls to inform me of affair and pregnancy
August - Present - Working diligently on marriage. In counseling at church.
December - OC Born - NO CONTACT!
May - DNA TEST NEGATIVE - MY H IS NOT THE FATHER. THANK GOD.
My new Title - BS w/ OCS (Betrayed Wife with Other Child Scare)
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Almost gone, I am an xow w/oc and although I was not living with my husbang (still not, we've been split for almost 4 years) I think honesty is your best policy here. First of all even if you were not pregnant, the problems w/your marriage will not go away. It will only get worse. Two wrongs don't make a right. But I agree with crazyhut that if your husband and you do divorce it's not fair that he pays cs for a child that may not be his.
Again, secrets always come out. Sooner or later they come out. I would see about you and husband getting into mc and ic as soon as possible. But you need to be honest with him about this. He too should be allowed to make his choices regarding this.
I've seen and met many woman in your situation that there husband's are raising the oc as there own and love the child more than ever. As well, there marriages have become stronger with work and rebuilt.
You and husband need to make decissions what to do.
Good luck to you and I hope that you can work things out with your husband.
Aka Marysway
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I already know that H has been down the same path that I took, only his lasted a lot longer than mine did, and I've confronted him about it, but he refuses to admit it. I've found the letters and the pics, entirely on accident may I add, I had no idea before that, but I thought that it was over once I asked him about it, but as soon as I left, it happened again. I'm required to be tested every 6 months due to being active duty military as well as "friend". I am not trying to justify what I did by saying that my H did something wrong, I'm not the type to do something for the sole purpose of hurting someone else...even if I feel that they deserve to be hurt. My H was wrong, but so was I and now I want to try to fix it, but I'm not sure how to go about telling him that I had a ONS with a friend and co-worker. I don't think that he will believe that it only happened once considering the fact that I see this guy everyday and spent almost 7 months straight with him. I do however understand how someone could get the impression that I was trying to blame my shortcomings as a wife, mother and person on someone else, but I am the one who messed up and now all I want to do is get some help to try to fix it with as little pain to others as possible.
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Almostgone, do you want your marriage to work out? What is your thoughts on all of this? thanks for explaining more though, but where do you want to stand right now?
Aka Marysway
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Almost,
There are many questions that need to be answered before I can give my full advice. I am a FMOW/WS(formar married other woman/wayward spouse) who had an OC(other child) but never told the XFMOM(exformar married other man) about my P(pregnancy) and never will. Our Dday(discovery day) was over 5 years ago, and my H knew from the start(positive pg test) about OC not being his.
Now for my questions for you. First and most important, do you want to repair your M(marriage)? Does your H wish to repair your M? Do you have any children, if so, how many? How long have you been M'd?
Being military, you have many issues you will need to deal with. I know for a fact that you and OM(other man) can get into some VERY big problems if your H takes it to your command. Are you close to transferring? Or close enough to ask for an early transfer? You need to get away from OM NOW, and if you can't now, as soon as possible.
You need to tell your H the possibility of this child being the OM's and let him decide what he wants to do. Read all over this board. Read the FAQs, the principles, and ask as many questions as you can think to ask. See if you can find the recommended reading and get the books!
Rebuilding your M is possible, but you both need to want it badly enough. Of course, all this could be a moot point if the baby is your H's as far as the OC issues, but you still need to deal with the infidelity for both you and H.
**edited to make the acronymns understandable for Almost**
Last edited by tigger4jdt; 10/18/05 11:54 AM.
Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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I have always been a believer in taking things to the grave, especially if it can be harmful to many people. Thats called conflict avoidance, and its a fault not a virtue. If you both stay together, I don't see the harm in just you and God knowing the truth. This has got to be the most morally bankrupt statement I have ever seen anybody make on this site!! Are you seriously recommending that she allow her husband to love and raise a child that is not his without his knowledge?!? I do not advocate violence in any form, but I guarantee you that if something like happened to me and I found out I would go postal. I think there would be a possibility that I could kill someone, and that risk is probably greater among people who have been trained to kill. This is not the same as understating the number of previous boyfriends you had or not mentioning some kinky stuff you did in the past. You are recommending that she allow her husband to live a lie for the rest of his life, and you greatly underestimate the danger of following this course of action.
"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm"
- Sir Winston Churchill -
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Ok...first of all, I'm still new and don't know what all the accronymns mean, so I'm still kind of guessing with those, but here are my answers as fully as I can supply.
I've been married for 3 years, the first 2 of which were disasterous. My H was still in love with his ex, and continuosly compared the two of us, telling me how he thought I could never compare to her, and that if he had his way they'd still be together (she left him). Later he told me that he only said those types of things to try to "hurt and push me away" but thats another issue. We have a 2 y/o daughter. H knows that our marriage has been going downhill for a while and says that he doens't feel like he should have to work towards making it better, it should just happen. He has a horrible horrible temper (that landed him in counseling numerous times when he was in the military) and in all honesty I'm more than a tad bit intimidated by him and scared to be honest about the situation that I've gotten us into. The OM already knows about the pregnancy and the possibility that it is his (like I said, we work together and see each other almost everyday) due to the pregnancy, I will be transferring soon (Dec at the latest) because I am not allowed to be on a ship after my 20th week. Yes, we could both get into a lot of trouble over this, if it turns out that he is in fact the father of this baby, but that is something that we will have to deal with when the time comes. I am in the process of trying to schedule a prenatal DNA test in order to find out which one of them is the father. My M is in disarray right now, H and I haven't been physical in over 6 weeks, and he isn't working so we are having a hard time financially, causing even more arguments, again, not that I'm trying to justify what I did, just trying to give a bit more insight into what is going on. Thank you for your advice, and I've been "roaming" through this site like crazy lately trying to get my bearings before I do or say anything drastic.
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Hi AG~
I'm a fww, (former wayward wife), with oc, (other child), who originally was desperately trying to find a way and good reason/excuse NOT to tell H, but thank God, I did tell him. It was the best decision I've ever made in my life. Yes, my story ended with a happy ending, I guess you could say, but even if it had not turned out so well for me--the TRUTH was still the best decision--and really--the only right thing to do.
So, you can guess I believe you need to tell your H about the A, (affair), even if there wasn't a P, (pregnancy), involved. You can't even begin to re-build or recover your M when it's based on lies. HOWEVER, I strongly urge you, because your H is known to have a bad temper, that you NOT tell him while alone. I advise you take some time on this, and if at all possible, call the counseling phone number provided on a link here, to get a counseling session with Steve Harley, or Jenn. They can guide you through this, step by step. They have a TON of experience in these situations. If you don't do that, you need to meet with a good counselor, which I think there's also some explanation on a link as to what is and is NOT a "good" counselor. Also, read up here on the links provided on the right column of all the main pages. A good place to start would be the Q&A link. Then, when it comes time to tell your H, (the sooner the better), you need to be in the company of a MC, (marriage counselor), a Pastor/Priest, a close friend, or parent--someone who can be trusted, and serve as a buffer.
I don't know where your M will end up, and there is A LOT of work to be done by both of you if you both decide you want the M, but you need to begin by being completely honest with him.
On a personal note, I'd avoid doing the amnio to find out the dna, if at all possible, just because of the risk to an otherwise healthy baby. In the meantime you tell H of the possibility, and then if he agrees-- get the dna test done the moment the baby's born, if that's what you decide together, (who knows, you may both decide to never get the dna). It's called poja, (policy of joint agreement)--both of you coming to decisions together, and enthusiastically agreeing with the decsion. Making decisions you can BOTH get on board with, EVEN if it wasn't the original "idea/plan" of either one of you. You should read about POJA on this site as well. It should be listed under basic concepts or something. It's a great tool for not only recovering a M, (marriage), but maintaining a healthy M.
Warmest regards,
~ad
ps. You can find a link or a thread somewhere on this site for all the acronyms. I just can't think off the top of my head where it's at. I've got to run...but if you scroll around or do a search, you'll find it.
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This has got to be the most morally bankrupt statement I have ever seen anybody make on this site!! Are you seriously recommending that she allow her husband to love and raise a child that is not his without his knowledge?!? I do not advocate violence in any form, but I guarantee you that if something like happened to me and I found out I would go postal. I think there would be a possibility that I could kill someone, and that risk is probably greater among people who have been trained to kill. This is not the same as understating the number of previous boyfriends you had or not mentioning some kinky stuff you did in the past. You are recommending that she allow her husband to live a lie for the rest of his life, and you greatly underestimate the danger of following this course of action.
Curiosity - What I was trying to tell her, is that there has been so much pain already, I was asking if at all possible to end that pain here. I am not telling her what to do, but was giving her options. I agree with the other posters that she should tell her husband the truth. Now as far as your rude comments to me, they were unnecessary. I only asked her not to tell. You are talking about killing people, now that's morally bankrupt!
April - Affair
May - OW tells H that she's pregnant
June - OW's H calls to inform me of affair and pregnancy
August - Present - Working diligently on marriage. In counseling at church.
December - OC Born - NO CONTACT!
May - DNA TEST NEGATIVE - MY H IS NOT THE FATHER. THANK GOD.
My new Title - BS w/ OCS (Betrayed Wife with Other Child Scare)
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Ok...first of all, I'm still new and don't know what all the accronymns mean, so I'm still kind of guessing with those, but here are my answers as fully as I can supply.
[color:"blue"] Ok, I went back and adjusted my previous post to you and added the "meanings". Hope that helps understand what I was saying. [/color]
I've been married for 3 years, the first 2 of which were disasterous. My H was still in love with his ex, and continuosly compared the two of us, telling me how he thought I could never compare to her, and that if he had his way they'd still be together (she left him). Later he told me that he only said those types of things to try to "hurt and push me away" but thats another issue.
[color:"blue"]If he was purposely trying to hurt you, you need to be very careful when you do reveal your A(affair) and possible resulting P(pregnancy). As Autumn said, don't tell him if you are alone for your safety! [/color]
We have a 2 y/o daughter. H knows that our marriage has been going downhill for a while and says that he doens't feel like he should have to work towards making it better, it should just happen. He has a horrible horrible temper (that landed him in counseling numerous times when he was in the military) and in all honesty I'm more than a tad bit intimidated by him and scared to be honest about the situation that I've gotten us into.
[color:"blue"]Is your fear from experience of actual violence against you or just his threats? Not that just threats isn't bad, but could be unfounded fear. If your H doesn't feel he should have to work at a good M, well, it won't help in any recovery. M, whether a good or bad one, takes work from both H and W(wife). If only one person is working on it, it is doomed to fail. [/color]
The OM already knows about the pregnancy and the possibility that it is his (like I said, we work together and see each other almost everyday)....
[color:"blue"]I know that even on the biggest ship it can be difficult to avoid others, but is it possible in your case or do you work directly with the OM? There is now a history between you two and it will/would be way too easy to slip back into that comfortable relationship if you continue contact with the OM. Try to find the example letters of NC(no contact) and write one to the OM. [/color]
...due to the pregnancy, I will be transferring soon (Dec at the latest) because I am not allowed to be on a ship after my 20th week.
[color:"blue"]This is good. Would you still be on the same base, or moving bases as well? [/color]
Yes, we could both get into a lot of trouble over this, if it turns out that he is in fact the father of this baby, but that is something that we will have to deal with when the time comes. I am in the process of trying to schedule a prenatal DNA test in order to find out which one of them is the father.
[color:"blue"]I agree with Aut, don't do an amnio ONLY for DNA. In fact, will the military even cover it and the DNA test? We were told that it wouldn't be covered if that's what we chose to do, before or after the birth(for the DNA). They don't like to spend the money if they don't have to. [/color]
My M is in disarray right now, H and I haven't been physical in over 6 weeks, and he isn't working so we are having a hard time financially, causing even more arguments, again, not that I'm trying to justify what I did, just trying to give a bit more insight into what is going on. Thank you for your advice, and I've been "roaming" through this site like crazy lately trying to get my bearings before I do or say anything drastic.
[color:"blue"]I know how it's not easy to find counseling that would support you wanting to stay in your M after something like this has happened in your M, but if you can try, call the counseling numbers offered here and get that support NOW! You could even talk to a chaplain to see what your options in that regard are. Don't do this alone, make sure you have someone watching out for you, especially if your H could get violent. [/color] Keep posting and asking questions, there are many here who are ready and willing to help you through this.
Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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Curiosity - What I was trying to tell her, is that there has been so much pain already, I was asking if at all possible to end that pain here. I am not telling her what to do, but was giving her options. I agree with the other posters that she should tell her husband the truth. Now as far as your rude comments to me, they were unnecessary. I only asked her not to tell. You are talking about killing people, now that's morally bankrupt! Crazy, I believe that what Curiosity was trying to get at was that keeping this a total secret is only causing more UNSEEN pain in the future. I know that you feel you would have been better off if you'd never known about the A/OC/OW to begin with, but think of what would happen down the road and you found out years after the OC was born. How would you feel then? A's, whether commited by the W or the H are painful period and it's best to get it all out in the open so that the BS can make their own decision about the M and not have the wool pulled over their eyes. There used to be a guy on this board, WAY BACK WHEN, who found out that one of his son's wasn't his when that boy was around 8 years old! Think how he felt when the truth came out! And, before you say that I couldn't possibly know how it feels to be the betrayed spouse, I am that as well. First Dday, I was 6 months P with our middle DD! Luckily, I've never had to deal with an xOW who has an OC. But, I've been in the position of a BW dealing with an xOW who thought she had a right to keep in contact with my H! In fact, shortly after Abbi was born, H got an email from this xOW, 5-6 years after their last contact and a letter from me to her telling her that it was wrong and I didn't appreciate it(her oh so nice Christmas card with her new address) and getting another letter from her to me saying that I shouldn't judge. So, I've dealt with it before, and pray that it never happens again! All I'm saying is that it's not easy being on either side of an A when you want to repair your M, but keeping something like this a secret from your H is the WORST mistake a woman can make. It will destroy any progress she thinks she's making, because she is still NOT being truthful with her H, which got her in this predicament to begin with. I also didn't see anything necessarily rude towards you, just the fact that keeping this just between her and God is encouraging her to go against one of the biggest things we try to do here, tell the truth to your spouse, no matter what might happen. Now, as far as any other family, well, if Almost and her H decide that they want to raise this child as their own, never do DNA, and not tell the rest of the family of the A, that is their choice, but between man and wife, well, that is a no brainer. Honesty first. Secrets, on both sides of this M, is what caused this result. Yes, Almost is the one who made that ultimate mistake, but all 3(or more) had a hand in causing the actions that got her where she is today. From this point on, there needs to be honesty or there will be NO help for this M!
Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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Tigger4jdt - I completely understood what curiosity stated. If you read my second post on this subject, I explained that the other posters who stated that she should tell the truth were right. I was just giving an option. I don't think that I would have been better off not knowing, but my situation is different from hers. My post was just my opinion.
And I also choose to disagree on whether curiosity was rude. They stated that my comments were "morally bankrupt". That's a bit much. They may not have agreed with what I had to say, but that's all they had to state, all the extra moral information was unnecessary and plain rude.
There are different options to all situations, I just gave an option. Some people may agree, some may disagree. It's not what you say, but how you say things. I have a right to express myself here as anyone else. I may not agree with a person's opinion, but I try not to be rude or unkind to anyone, except crazy OW's. So I will state again that the comments to my comments were rude!
April - Affair
May - OW tells H that she's pregnant
June - OW's H calls to inform me of affair and pregnancy
August - Present - Working diligently on marriage. In counseling at church.
December - OC Born - NO CONTACT!
May - DNA TEST NEGATIVE - MY H IS NOT THE FATHER. THANK GOD.
My new Title - BS w/ OCS (Betrayed Wife with Other Child Scare)
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Tigger4jdt - I completely understood what curiosity stated. If you read my second post on this subject, I explained that the other posters who stated that she should tell the truth were right. I was just giving an option. I don't think that I would have been better off not knowing, but my situation is different from hers. My post was just my opinion.
[color:"blue"]It may have been an opinion but so was mine and Curious' post about just this. The comment of "morally bankrupt refers to your thinking that keeping something this big a secret is JUST as bad as the infidelity to begin with. No, Almost isn't in YOUR situation, but her H is basically in YOUR shoes here. HE is the BS, just as you are, possibly dealing with an OC, just as you are. You state that you DON'T wish that you hadn't known, yet you are suggesting a WS do just that to her BS. [/color]
And I also choose to disagree on whether curiosity was rude. They stated that my comments were "morally bankrupt". That's a bit much. They may not have agreed with what I had to say, but that's all they had to state, all the extra moral information was unnecessary and plain rude.
[color:"blue"]Again, if you wish to talk of opinions, I felt the same way she did when I read your statement of keep it till the grave. In recovery of a M, that's one of the first things you need to do is come clean! You need to tell the truth to regain that trust you destroyed, so telling a WS to keep it all a secret from their BS is going against the principles here, and pretty much any other recovery type program. That's our opinion, if you wish to call me rude, well I've been called MUCH worse and been through he!! to repair the damage I've caused. I know what keeping something "to the grave" does to you internally, especially something THAT big! It only serves to hurt all in the long run, because no one can keep all their secrets forever. [/color]
There are different options to all situations, I just gave an option. Some people may agree, some may disagree. It's not what you say, but how you say things. I have a right to express myself here as anyone else. I may not agree with a person's opinion, but I try not to be rude or unkind to anyone, except crazy OW's. So I will state again that the comments to my comments were rude!
[color:"blue"]I never said that you COULDN'T express yourself here. In fact, I feel for you and your situation. I've read what you've posted here and understand where you are coming from. That's what makes me confused that you would recommend to someone, basically in your H's shoes, to hide something THIS BIG! THAT is NOT an option if you want to rebuild a M. In my situation, I knew how much I had hurt my H, and was willing to walk away if he asked me to, and this was BEFORE I knew that I was P. If that was to be my punishment, I was ready to take it, but if he was willing to forgive me, I was willing to do anything to keep my H and family in tact, including contemplating adoption of the OC!
To regain trust in a M destroyed with A's, you HAVE to be honest about EVERYTHING, even if it's something you are HIGHLY embarrassed or regretful about. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. [/color]
Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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Posts: 948
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 948 |
AlmostGone -
I told my H when we got married (never actually thinking it would happen to me) that if he ever cheated on me he better never tell me - that was his guilty burden to bear.
Well, you know what? He already had! I had NO NO NO idea for 11 more years.
Him carrying that weight of dishonesty proved to be a cancerous tumor in our M, which eventually grew into a bigger worse darker mess.
Radical honesty, it's the only way to go. Thinking otherwise is actually the more dangerous option.
NTL
BW 43 me
FWH 39
M 1992; DD 18. 13
OC 8-05 - no contact
In recovery 8 years
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 112
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Posts: 112 |
Crazyhurt, I am sorry that you felt my comments were rude. Please do not construe them as a personal attack, as I do not know you well enough to judge you one way or the other.
Nevertheless, I strongly oppose your opinion that this can be kept a secret. Especially now, that we know that Almost's BH has temper issues. If the man already has problems controlling his temper on a day to day basis, imagine what could occur if he finds out years later that he is not the bio-dad.
Furthermore, I am not sure if you can really empathise with what a husband in this situation goes through, as a woman can never be decieved into thinking she is the biological mother of a child. Consequently, you are recommending to Almost that she and her husband should live a lie for the rest of thier lives, while maintaining a devastating secret (the ramifications of which you will never understand) from a man who is trained to kill and has temper control issues.
Am I missing something??
"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm"
- Sir Winston Churchill -
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 347
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 347 |
Tigger4jdt,
I tried to contact you through a private message, but it wouldn't seem to let me... May I ask you some polite personal questions about your situation for my own knowledge in understanding what I am going through ?
You can contact me privatly or I can use the board if you'd rather...and if you are willing.
Thank you.
Eibrab
With H 19 years, me 36, H 44
2 children 13, 9
Seperated briefly
A during reconciliation 10/03 - 6/04
relapse 9/04
Told about OC 3/05
OC born 5/05
NC and suffering, but trying.
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 270
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 270 |
Curiosity and Tigger4 - Did you all read my second post?
"I'm willing to admit that Carolyn's comment seems more than reasonable. I do believe total silence can be an option, just maybe not the best one for you, you have to decide. Take heed in what Carolyn had to say.
God bless. "
Carolyn73 told her that honesty was the best policy and I agreed. My problem was how, irregardless of whether either of you thought I was right or wrong, you made me feel as though my opinion was unworthy or unwanted. The original poster really had no idea of where her marriage was going, she was looking for suggestions. I'm not saying that my suggestion is right, but it is an option, one that many disagreed with, and I completely respect that. I guess I felt insulted, maybe I was being a bit sensitive.
Tigger4: I do want to respond to your statement that you don't understand why, after going through what I have been through, I would tell someone else not to be completely honest. To tell you the truth, there are times that I wish I didn't know what happened, especially if the marriage would continue and my husband found the fault and changed the behavior. Of course that is impossible because of the OC now. But if I had a husband, and I cheated and got pregnant by another man, I would probably abort. If that wasn't an option, I don't know if I would say a word. That may be wrong, but that would be a viable solution for me. The only way I would tell is if we were divorcing. I wouldn't think it fair for my XS to pay for a child that wasn't his. This kind of betrayal is so painful.
I will try to be less sensitive next time.
April - Affair
May - OW tells H that she's pregnant
June - OW's H calls to inform me of affair and pregnancy
August - Present - Working diligently on marriage. In counseling at church.
December - OC Born - NO CONTACT!
May - DNA TEST NEGATIVE - MY H IS NOT THE FATHER. THANK GOD.
My new Title - BS w/ OCS (Betrayed Wife with Other Child Scare)
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