It's been almost 72 hours now since the horror. It's very hard to put my thoughts in any kind of order, but here goes anyway.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and for most of those years, life has been very good. She came into the marriage with two children, I didn't have any. It was her thrid marriage and my first. I'm 42 and she's 51

In many ways a typical marriage, but in some ways very untypical. Four years ago, my wife suggested a threesome which we never did follow up on, but we did end up participating in the "lifestyle" (i.e. swinging). We always talked about our feelings in an open way and there were a couple of minor problems but nothing major. We gradually moved away from the lifestyle as it was more hassle than reward.

About two years ago, I found unusual phone numbers on our call display. I wasn't suspicious at first, but the same number kept coming up. She denied knowing anything about it but eventually, I called the number, which turned out to be an office. She then confessed that she had been talking to this guy but that there had never been any other type of contact. I'm not sure I believed her but I let it rest, or so I thought I did. I think it made me suspicious and I then started snooping, but never found any more evidence from this guy.

Six months ago, she went on a trip to Mexico with her daughter, who is 25. After she got back, we got a computer and she learned how to email and set up a private hotmail account but with a secret password, saying she need her privacy. Then the phone bills were missing all the details showing the actual calls. I became more and more suspicious and eventually cracked the password using a key logger.

That was 3 days ago and I found out that she cheated with another man while she was down there and has been having a very passionate correspondance (both email and telephone) ever since. She is going down for another "holiday" in 10 days, again with her daughter and I don't know what to do.

It was the single worst pain I have ever felt and it hasn't stopped. I confronted her and she accused me of spying and invading her privacy and I yelled at her (the only time I aver did that) and left the house. I spent the weekend at a friends place, took up smoking again and drank a lot. Couldn't sleep. Can't eat. My emotions going around in circles. Yesterday afternoon, I came home feeling totally numb and told her it was over. She says she is confused and doesn't know if she loves him but she said she loves me. She is still planning on going. I did several stupid things - I wish I found this site first.

I gave her an ultimatum - to leave this guy or else
I told her children about it

The numbness has passed for now and I want her back.....I don't know what to do...feel like I can't breathe sometimes...

I am sorry for your pain. It seems that your wife has a cheating personality. She suggests threesomes, you continually catch her in lies about communicating with other men and now she goes down to Mexico and has a sexual affair. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. After finding out she now plans to go down again to Mexico to screw this guy. By the way I hope you are getting checked for STD's. It sounds like she has little remorse. Maybe you should ask yourself if she is the only woman you would ever want. Her actions indicate unless something drastically changes that your present will be your future. Her actions indicate she has little respect for you and your marriage. Either get into counseling or seek out an attorney. I wish you luck.

AP,

You just found this out so there are a lot of things you cannot do and one of them is make a rational decision based on what you know so far. You have done well to set your boundaries and her going back down there WITH her daughter is clearly one of them. I guess she feels it is alright to cheat on her husband and show her daughter how to do it?

I would ask her if she feels this behavior she is modeling is what she feels is correct for her daughter, and how many marriages and how much heart break does she think her daughter will have in her life if she acts as her mother is showing her?

I think you should do some extensive reading on this site about plan A, boundaries, plan B, needs, love busters the whole thing. And then post again with your thoughts on these matters.

This is tough stuff so hang in there for awhile and see what you can learn and what your W wants.

God Bless,

JL

Of course good advice from Bryanp and Just Learning - how are you doing today?

NTL

Thank you for your replies everyone. On monday, my heart changed again nd I realized I could try to make it work - had to make it work. A friend talked to her, telling her what she was doing was crazy and I think the fact it was a third party confinced her to stay. She called me, told me she was not going on this trip and told me she loved me. I drove home, fell into her arms and cried more than I ever had in my life. There was even a part of me that look on in amazement as I was sobbing.

We talked for a couple of hours and agreed to get counselling. She said she's confused and embarrassed. A part of me wants her back and another part doesn't. I alternate between happiness, numbness, incredible sadness and a little anger. I'm surprised there's not more anger.

Just taking it day by day and hour by hour. I want to talk to her more, but I am afraid to push her. I want to shower her with love but am afraid to smother her. I want to opern up with her more but am afraid of what I will find.

I'm going to see a doctor today. Don't what else to do. I'm used to being in control of myself but now I don't seem to recognize myself.

Reading everthing in this site helps a lot. There just seems to be such a big mountain ahead.

It is a big mountain ahead, but one step at a time is how you climb a mountain. One step, then one day, then a week, then a month, then a year... then you look back and see you've got some real ground behind you.

Have you made the appointment for counseling yet? Would you two consider counseling with the Harleys on MB? It is $185 per hour, very very well worth it I promise.

NTL

I wish to thank you very much for your kind responses. It's been a week and a half now. We spent a good weekend at a hotel, full of optimism (at least on,my part). She said many of the right words, but still said she resented my "spying".

Today, the feeling of depression is like a deep, soft hole that falls straight through my heart. I made the mistake(?) of re-reading some of her emails. It only adds to the depth of my despair. A part of me wants her and a big part of me is suspicious whenever we're apart.

I don't know if I can get past this. She's not helping right now. I don't know if she realizes how badly I've been hurt. I don;t say anything when she says that she feels resentfull about my spying because I don't what to get in an argument, but I want to say that YOU MADE ME!

I wish everything could be the same as it used to be.

AP,

It's a knee jerk response for all WS to feel their privacy as been violated. What she needs to realize is in order for you to regain any trust she needs to live her life an open book. No Secrets whatsoever. Typically when she really feels your relationship is more important than having a hidden email accout, phonecalls, etc.. She will want you to see there is nothing to hide.

Agonzing,

About the "resentment" over your spying. Ask her this "How do you think I feel when I find it necessary to spy on the woman I love because I know she has and may still be betraying me?"

How does it feel permit me to quote an expert on your feelings
I would strongly recommend you put those emails away. Or make a copy of them and hand them to your W and ask her how much "fun" she thinks you were having doing your spying having gotten to read these.

It is still very early in this. You are deeply wounded, your W is probably in withdrawal from the affair, and worse from herself. This stuff takes time and patience. You best move is to avoid love busters, but maintain your bouandaries. You had every right to do what you needed to do to protect your marriage, your love for her, and family.

It will take her awhile to accept this.

God Bless,

JL

It does take time. My FWW still complaned about spying and snooping for a awhile. What helped me was to tell my FWW, its not about spying, its about my safety. I told her I just don't feel safe.

If you came home one night and it looks like someone broke into your house, your going to look under every bed, look in every closet until you feel safe. If later that night you hear a bump in the night, your going to go looking again. Many times when people first start snooping its because they don't feel safe. They look around and say something is not right here. Among many other things, D-Day makes you feel like someone broke into your house.

I said to my FWW, its your job to make me feel safe. You open the closets, you show me under the bad. When you do that, I'll feel safe. If something else goes bump, you show me everything again until I feel safe. As long as she isn't doing her job, I don't feel safe and I'll do it myself.

Thank you so much everyone for your words. It helps me a great deal to know others have dealt with the same issues. I think I will put those emails away, out of temptation. We are going on a week long trip together and she agreed to seek marriage counselling when we get back.

She said she's afraid that I will never trust her again or that our marriage will never be the same again. I said that I would try very hard at it and that no, our marriage would never be the same. But that doesn't mean it can't be stronger.

She's still not completely open with me and she admits that. I only hope that the openess and honestly will come with counselling and time.

My emotions are still wildly fluctuating but not as much. Thank you all again for your help.

rprynne,

Dynamite analogy!