Why do all of a sudden I feel I have lost everything, my husband asked me for the divorce a month ago, and it’s been two weeks now since I left the house. Living with him after he asked me for the divorce became a living ******, I did not eat and needed sleeping pills to be able to rest and not think of my terrible loss.

His reasons were : Incompatibility, he loved me but was not in love with me, wanted to live life and felt alive when a girl talked to him, and the worst is that he realized he was staring at women more than the usual and understood that was not right.

My marriage comes a long way, we were together for 5 years and in those five years I helped him like very few women would’ve have. I took his son under my wings for 3 years and 8 months (he is now back with his mom) but I must mention that it was a living ****** at the beginning because of the terrible excuses she made up to abandon her son, I raised him the best I could, but I have posted about this in another occasion and all I could say is that he cared for his son deeply but I could never lecture him because he would raise ****** and yet he never did anything to lecture his son but only two times. Yes, my husband tried to make it easy on me but he never tought me how to actually be a “mom” as he so much wanted me to be to his son, I told him that a step mom is only a guide but he left me with all the responsibility but at the end I thought I was doing a good job until he sent his son back to his mom and screamed at me the most terrible things of how I had caused so much pain to his son and of how confused he was of wanting to continue our marriage since there wasn’t anything left to keep us together after his son left (this was 2 years ago), but he “got over it” but I believe he only covered it and tried to forget about it. He refused to seek help and when he “tried” he only said terrible things about me, I took it like a big girl and tried to understand.

After all this I found you guys, so for 8 months I work and worked on the relationship until I got tired of him just laying back and waiting for me to do things, I would make him read but he never wanted to read your articles, until one day I could not take it anymore, he was abusing of me loving him and wanting this relationship to work, he did all the contrary and just pushed me in so many ways by putting everybody else first and making me feel I was dumb, ignorant, tasteless, never having a valid reason when having a discussion or a difference, jelous, that I needed to lose weight, that I needed to study more, that everything I started I never finished, and so much more.

So I left the house for almost three days and by the end of the third day I sneaked in the house to grab some intimates from the dryer, I felt comfort by just listening to his voice, he was playing the guitar with a female friend who sings nicely, I didn’t want that moment to end so I went into the bathroom and listened to more of his playing, when I got out of the bathroom I didn’t hear a thing until I got closer to the stairs, then I heard him say – When I saw her the first time, the first thing that came to my mind was that she would look nice in jeans and a tank top, so when I told her she would laugh and say, no, I like to dress this way – At this point of the conversation I felt sick and could not believe my ears, but he continued .. – When I saw her in the party she looked very nice in jeans and so we talked but she got very drunk, so I took her to her house and on our way to her house we exchanged phone numbers and I asked her if she wanted to go out, and she said she would call me, but when we got to her house she could not walk so I helped her in the house and put her to bed – his female friend said COOL, WILL YOU SEE HER AGAIN?? – he replied by saying, well she hasn’t called me, but I’ll call her tomorrow – at this point I could no longer breathe or even stay up, so I called him and said –Are you going out with another woman?- he first said not but when he realized I had heard everything he asked his female friend to leave and that’s when I realized this was not a marriage meant to last, I cried my eyes out and he swore nothing had happened, that I had left the house and he thought he would not see me again (he knew where I was), too many excuses and when I was about to leave him closed the door hugged me tight and got on his knees to beg me to stay, that I was the love of his life and that he could not imagine life without me, I prayed to God to ask me what to do, so I stayed, I wanted my marriage to work, but once again I found myself doing everything all over again, he asked me not to ever talk about this again but I could not forget how he thought so romantically of another person while being married and loving me so much like he said he did, so only two times during the year and 7 months that we were still together I mentioned it to him but because he did not hesitate to tell me how many bad things I did and he would put me down, so I would remind him that true love was to forget our mistakes like the one he has done and he would immediately tell me WE SAID WE WEREN’T GOING TO MENTION IT, I SWEAR NOTHING HAPPENED, so I would tell him, then do something to save our marriage, you are in your comfort zone and you are not trying. I stopped mentioning it since I know that resentment does not lead you to anything.

But we also had problems of him never considering me, he would always make these last minute plans and decisions and never considered me for anything, so finally on September 10 I told him why don’t you never consider me? Why can’t you think that weekends are for family time and that’s when it all exploded and that’s when my whole world fell apart.

He now treats me like his enemy and is abusing of me mentally and has been putting our marriage for display like a freak show for everybody to know that he is single again and was back in the singles club.

He even asked my best friend how far I had moved because he didn’t want any problems and did not wanted to find me in places.

It was terrible for me to know he is probably dating and taking women to the place that used to be sacred for me “my house and our bed”.

I have just found out that he has made parties at "his" house to celebrate he is now single. How embarrasing, shamefull, and humiliating can this be?

One of his last arguments was: YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, BUT DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR BEAUTY CAN NOT BE A REASON TO STOP ME??, I could not believe my ears when he said that? I have never used my looks to retain him, I tried to use love and still that was not enough.

I want to start dating but don't know how!??! I know it's too recent but I want to get to know people, but where?? how?? I'm a person that does not party and prefers to be at home with hubby than to be partying and getting drunk, maybe I should but with whom???

Hope,

I just read your post and my heart goes out to you. I am in a very similar place with my husband. He just told me he wanted a divorce after 15 years of marriage. He has said the same thing to me..how he missed out on his bachelor days (we got married at a young 20), how he feels good when he's out and flirting. All these things that hurt me so much when he says them. I don't know what to do, I want to keep him with me at any cost, but then I wonder why? If he doesn't want to be with me I can't make him stay. My thoughts are with you.

My wife of 19 years said the samething to me, she missed out on her "fun". But mine had an affair. But im not giving up just yet.

Falcon,

I've been reading your posts and you seem like a great person. I hope your wife realizes it soon. It can be so difficult to try and work it out. I don't know what to do, my husband is still living in the house, he can't afford to live elsewhere and still have our household expenses. I'm just hoping he'll "see the light". I know no one will love him like I do. So far he hasn't cheated (so he says), but he is so emotionally unavailable to me. Good luck.

Well great person im not to sure about that. I have my issues to that I think caused alot of what is going on now. My temper seems to get the best of me at times. Im working on that now.

I almost had her 2 months ago at the beach, we had a fantstic day untill OM called her and I saw her change right before my eyes. He ended it before that and I told her he would call back. Funny she is 37 years old but acts like a 17 year old would at time. Asking me why younger men found her attactive even tho she is a bit over weight. Crazy crap like that. I know her self asteam was horrible, and not because of me because of her abuse im sure.

Just keep hanging in there, as long has he has not cheated yet, I think it would be much easier to fix then when they do.

How old is he? sounds like he is going thru a mid life crisis of somekind. What he said about you being a beautiful woman makes no sence what soever. What does beauty have to do with much of anything for him. He needs some theropy to and now.

God I wish you all the luck in the world.

Hi Falcon:

Yes, funny you mention it, everybody has told me he is going thru some type of "early" midlife crisis, he is only 30!! he turned 30 on February, and yes, he did have a hard time accepting he was turning 30. So to ease his "problems" I thru a Party for him and it was great!! and I made a shirt saying LIFE STARTS AT 30!! and he loved it, he felt great, ha!, but now he uses this as a title on MSN to describe his "new life". I'm 31 and God knows I've loved that man and believed in him.

There's a divine justice and God knows that women like me are not grown in trees!

Im so sorry, sounds like he just wants to mess around. I dont understand men like that. Not that I have never thought about it, I got married at 21 and im sure I missed out on alot of "fun" stuff to. I also missed out on alot of STDs <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> He maybe in his own type of "fog", just like my wife.

Our marriage was a mess before this started, I know it was, I was addicted to online gameing and let that poor woman just sit there without me. I have fixed that and would never do that again if I can have a second chance.

By the way I hated turning 30 to, and ill tell you 40 sucked to!! Im 2 weeks away from 41 and damn seems I have to start all over again.

You sound like a wonderfull woman, I just hope he "wakes up". I needed to wake up to, I got sick thought I was dieing and I woke up, just seems my timeing with my wife was off about 2 months. If I had woke up 2 months sooner none of this would of happend.

Give him sometime, maybe he will wake up, and see a wonderfull woman right in front of him. Maybe he needs glasses, he is 30!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Vivian & Falcon:

I appreciate your responses and the prayers for me and my marriage, but unfortunately there is no turning back, he is a manipulative man and he never saw my real value, he always wanted more, never was satisfied with anything, he would buy material stuff that he thought would make him happy and still he always felt something was missing, so one day I told him: if you feel that something is missing don't look this way because I "ok" with who I am, it's you who is empty and blaming other people or looking at my mistakes will not fix it, not even a baby (we had plans for a family next year since I now have a full time job). But still this reaction of his made me realize he has blamed me for his unhappiness and does not realize it's him who is wrong and empty.

He looks at me with so much hate that I can not explain it with words, I told him he needed help and he would always tell me YES but never did anything.

His partying and most probably already fooling around tells me that he is empty from the inside and is looking for the person that will complete him. I once again tell him: a person will not complete you, you need to first be complete before you can make somebody happy, don't expect for somebody to come and make you happy.

I told him that people grow together in spirit, mind and age and that when he goes out and starts "looking" around all those girls will be empty or waiting for somebody to pay for their little luxuries (he has something to do with TV stuff). So I ended telling him "we grew together".

One day we were watching the 911 SPECIAL COVERAGE, so I looked at him and told him, we need to make a plan if something like that would happen, so he looked at me, hugged me real tight and told me I WOULD FIND YOU AT THE END OF THE WORLD. So I used that to end the phone message in the last day in the house: REMEMBER YOU TOLD ME YOU WOULD FIND ME AT THE END OF THE WORLD? WELL, MAYBE THE END OF THE WORLD IS NOT SO FAR AWAY, DON'T TAKE TOO LONG.

That same day he calls me and leaves me a message crying telling me he didn't understand right now many things I said but some he did and he was having a hard time coming home to an empty house and not seeing my things, didn't know what to say and he needed to hang up. He called my friend in tears saying he didn't know what he wanted but that he was doing this for my own good and that he missed me a lot.

A week later I he puts on his messenger I AM BACK IN THE SINGLES CLUB, that was the most humiliating thing, so I called him to tell him how dare he embarrased and ridiculized our marriage and screamed at me telling me IT'S OVER, GET IT, I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU EVER AGAIN, THAT'S THE WONDER OF GETTING A DIVORCE!! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TELL ME WHAT I CAN OR CAN NOT SAY.

Three days later he leaves a message on my cell (I didn't want to answer) telling me that the message was an internal joke with a friend. He appologized for the message and if he had hurted me. He also said that everybody was human and made mistakes so he asked once again for my forgiveness.

You know?? I coul've forgotten him, but he keeps embarrasing and putting this marriage down by saying that a paper is gone with the wind and so will our marriage license.

It's been too painful, too many mean things and even still I love him and would forgive him .. but under different circumstances, commitment and love, but since I know this won't happen I might as well move on.

I don't have any issues or problems, debts, don't drink, smoke or anything, I only love too much!!!

Wow thats crazy. He sounds as nuts as my wife. He really sounds confused and messed up. I hope and pray that he finds what he is looking for. He cant find someone to complete him he has to complete himself.

LOL I to dont drink or smoke or anything, I love to much to!! im with you to time for me to move on to. My wife seems to have, but again she teased me lastnight with sex. OMG she is nutso!!!

My wife and I really got into it lastnight. Its so over now. I got upset again that she is seeing someone. She told me well atleast I have not slept with im yet. Im like holy heck.

We got into it big time. How much crap do I have to take? I tried to be there for her, yea I have had my times of anger but damnit I deseve it. I did not cheat, I did not put my family thru this crap.

Then she called me at 1130 lastnight crying that she is a bad person, that she is crap and that she hates herself. Well I tend to agree with her now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Well, the difference between your wife and my husband is that he is a man, men can share themselves and not give their heart away, women can't, if we leave a man, we leave for unmet emotions, men leave because they want to fool around, so I guess we both have our answers.

If he were to come to me for sex, I'm not sure what I would do, but I do know how much I'm worth and how sickning it would be the next day or that same night to realize that my selfesteem has been stepped on, spit & slapped at and humiliated in exchange of sex, because; would you call it "LOVE MAKING?", no, not anymore.

I don't doubt not even for a second that feeling him in my arms again would be beautiful, but if I gave in he would come back with his same old ways and nothing would change and worst ... he would leave me again six months down the road.

I want to make love, I want to feel as beautiful as I did my first time with him, he made me feel a queen, and god knows that- that was one of the best thing he did for me!, It was amazing!!!, I still feel butterflies when I think of how good it was or of all those times we made love.

Oh yeah!, he became the woman on this relationship, I wanted sex all the time and he didn't, it was embarrasing for me, so I had to wait for him to want it.

But, I want a meaningful relationship, I want to feel happy for and feel accepted, admired and loved, but how to know when a man loves you?, I don't know, I just know that my time will come again to meet a man that is on my same level, likes me and together make good money to live like it's deserved, oh yeah! and have babies.

I don't know if I mentioned it, but he was illegal, and did nothing with his life for 10 years, that's when I came along and helped him be who he is now. He says he doesn't owe anything to me, he did it all by himself, thanks to his skils and inteligence. He was a scared waiter, always thinking that imigration would come after him, drove his car slowly and could not find a woman who would stay next to him no matter what. HA!, guess who??, me!!!!, I lifted his low selfesteem, he thought that he wasn't good in bed and wasn't a good man, father (was married before), and I made him think he was super man, well, he know thinks of himself like a Gigolo, thinks he's a stud and that he's all that.

Yeah, I made a few mistakes like the beginner that I was, I told my friends at the beginning I would fake to get to the good part .. which was always focusing on his pleasure, I loved to see him ... well, you know. I really enjoyed it.

But when you make a man feel he is all that, this is what happens, when they think they have done great, when they think they are the victims ... guess who did that?? us!!, we made them believers.

There's a saying that says: I'LL MAKE YOU BELIEVE THAT I BELIEVE.

Now I listen to Sheryl Crows song: GOOD IS GOOD and that's what I think of him, he is missing out on the good things in life by hidding in rough times.

Hi Hope & Falcon,

I'm sorry I haven't written I forgot my password. Temporary insanity figures with all this stress, I'm lucky I remember where I work. I've been reading though and my heart goes out to you hope. Your husband sounds confused, but at least he cries when he realizes he's hurt you. I wish my husband would show me some emotion. I'm hurting so bad inside and he looks so cool. How can men be that way? It's like all the years you were married and "in love" mean nothing. They can just throw it all away. I'm so sad today, he told me he wants the divorce and he doesn't have fellings for me anymore. It's like another jab at my heart he just keeps hurting me and I guess I'm allowing it I must be a massochist. Well I'll be hoping & prayinig for me and both of you.

Well mine is all done now. Big fights last few weeks, name calling, frustration and I spent 4 hours in a mental hospital 2 days ago.

Im soooooooo done now with her games. Its not my wife anymore its some alien woman now. If she ever comes back im sure ill be here but I cant wait around anymore, so long, goodbye, have a nice life. I would like one more night, one more kiss, one more hug, one more "I love you baby" But that looks like it will have to happen with someone else <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Falcon,
How are you doing? I think it must hurt like ******. My heart goes out to you, keep good thoughts in your head. My husbnd didn't call yesterday, he decided (i guess) to play the "I don't care game", stupid me for waiting for him to call. I went out (to push myself) and actually had a good time. Mybe I can get through this.....I still miss my H.

Hopetexas:

I could write for days to you. Our stories sound so similar. My mother said it best, "You gave him his wings, and he flew away." I too helped build up a broken person, as he did with me. We worked together, we were a team. Until he needed to spread the wings that I helped build.

Im great today!! feel so much better, I just dont care anymore, she chose this I did not and im tired of beating myself up for it. Im a good man, good father, yea I got lost for a bit but im back and will be stronger then ever.

I have my kids, my own self worth that I did not cheat on anyone. I kept that part of the vows. I so happy today I feel like a new man. And it will only get better as time goes on.

Ill always have a place in my heart for her, but thats not her anymore, its someone else that I really dont like all that much.

Falcon

Falcon,
Welcome to the infidelity yo-yo of emotions. I went thru all of these ups and downs over and over again. Each time they get less and less intense but don't think for a second you are done with them. You are the person in this that can take solace in that you kept your vows and were faithful. Use that to get yourself onto a level playing field with your WW. Deal with her calmly, rationally and with confidence. Set your boundaries and stick to them and refuse to be baited into the banter and emotional finger pointing WS's thrive on. This only serves to feed their fog.

Remember how good it feels to have your self worth and self respect. They do not have this to fall back on. Be the father you know you need to be and focus all of the energy the A has created in you to be a better father. You will come out of this and refocusing you energy inward will make you a better person forever.

dukhuntr

And today im so damn depressed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I turn 41 in 2 days, I have no one to be there for me. I have a car that was given to me, I have a ****** small [censored] apt. Im 41 with nothing, lost my wife, dont see my daughter all week.

I honestly see why people just blow there brains out. She gets to go out with guys, I cant because I cant bring my self to ask anyone out. She destroyed my self asteam, I hate all this crap. I have nothing to offer anyone right now. She gets to have all the sex she wants because she is a woman while I sit here on the god dman fing pc.

Falcon,

Remember that it's just the yo-yo bottoming out and it will rise again. You are the the stable person here and yes she can go out and play and be whatever she wants, someday it will come back to haunt her. Maybe not today or tomorrow or even this year, but it will come back to her. You will always be able to look your daughter in the eye and feel comfortable with yourself, could you WS do the same?

I just had my first birtday in 28 years alone and no it was not the same. My kids made it just as special as usual just not quite the same. I am 46 now and starting over also so give yourself some time to grieve and accept what is happening. Let your anger dissapate and clear your head before making any decisions or judgements. I am obsessive compulsive when it comes to problems in my life. I like to fix them as fast and as well as possible. You sound much the same and it doesn't work with a spouse who has their own agenda.

Work on fixing yourself and how you deal with the bull**** life has dealt to you. Start living for yourself again and your daughter. Treat the WW and the OM like mud people and ignore the drama they relish in. Anti-depressants were a godsend to me in coping. Have you investigated them? Make sure you are eating and getting some exercise during all of this also. Everything you do is for you now, so do it right. If not for yourself, then do it for your daughter.

Good luck and keep posting it's the best way to vent and you get some great advise here.

dukhuntr

I agree - it will get better. Do stuff for you, even if you don't feel like doing it. I still have some down and lonely days - but I don't bottom out anymore.

Thanks guys, the biggest problem im having now is I still care for the stupid woman. I cant bring myself to not. And that kills me. The affair was a disaster for her, its so over its not even funny, but now she is seeing another guy. She cant stop for 1 second to get herself stright. Thats sad. Its sad to watch a woman just totally go nuts, right in front of you.

Yea I have my self respect but little else. My self asteam is just the pits now. I hope it comes back but im so tired of hurting and crying and not being happy at all. I so want to be happy, I so want to be loved and love someone. God Damn her to ******!!