W called me yesterday and said battery was dead in her van
son and I were at deer camp so we could spend some time
toghter when I dropped him off I went and bought new battery and put in and she said you might as well say and eat dinner since it is so late.After dinner I was getting
ready to leave she said just stay on the couch since it is
so late.That was the first time I have stayed at house since the A was discovered Sept. 6th.She still tells me it is over she has lost the love she once felt for me.She said
I betrayed her trust and she can never get over that,she can never trust me again.She said she doesn't have the money to file and I told her I didn't want divorce and wasn't
going to file.She did go down and apply for medicad and food stamps she can get them.And they will have me pay child support but I am allready giving her 90% of my paycheck weekly just like I did when we were living togther.I told her child support won't be as much as I/m giving her now.Her answer is you need to get a better job or 2nd one then.I try everyday to make love deposits in her
account and all she is doing is saying love busting things.
Just now she called and said the washer just started smoking and quit when she tries to start it it just smokes
and starts squealing. I told her I would go buy her a new washer tonight after work she said okay but that doesn't
change the fact that it is over for us.I know what I did was wrong and should have never have done it I have begged and pleaded for her to just try and lets work it out she
just says no. Do I keep on trying to work things out,throwing money out the doors on flowers that i send about every 3rd day,begging and pleading on her to give it a chance,that we can make it we can rebuild and go on,
continue on giving her my paycheck,and now spending extra money.I realize I have to take care of my son but when do you know it's over and you might as well move on???

You are still very early in this. It is a long way from over. Keep doing what you are doing, so that she knows she can depend on you.

Believer,
I went ahead and bought the new washer last night.Also took
her and our son out to dinner.I talked to her about me
buying washer was another love deposit in her love bank and
she said I think you are doing it for your son not me.I told
her I was doing it for my family and i want to be included
in that family again.Her response was not now maybe in a few years maybe.But I will not give up have to go by there
tonight to help Sears guy unload washer.Might try to see if
I can spend the night.Thanks for you insight.

First off, Believer is exactly right, this is very early. But I want to address something else and that is part of your approach. If you are "begging and pleading" STOP THAT RIGHT NOW. That is not attractive in the least. Also, you mentioned that you are pointing out to her the good things you do (i.e. I talked to her about me buying washer was another love deposit) STOP THAT RIGHT NOW. You should not be seeking reward or even acknowledgement of you actions right now. Only seek to continue to take the 'right' actions.

In your affair you were totally completely SELFISH. If you read up on Plan 'A', it's about acting SELFLESSLY. Keep making those wonderful deposits but do so without seeking reward. It still counts even if you don't make her acknowledge it. She may further see you using these items, such as the washer/dryer as an attempt to control or manipulate her when you throw them back up at her.......

Patience, Persistance, and Selflessness are your three main goals right now.

Don't give up Workcheater,
You have to make changes in yourself, addressing the problems in your marriage prior to the Affair as well as the Affair itself.
You have to show your b/s that you have changed through actions. Expect her to not trust you or the words coming out of your mouth for awhile.
While flowers are nice, show her you love her by your actions. Money can buy a little bit of good will, but changing improper behavior and filling her lovebank through meeting her en's is better. Find out what her emotional needs are and try to meet them.

WC,

I'll just reiterate what I said before to you about slowing down.You still sound "desperate" to see change and it just ain't going to happen right away.Flowers every 3rd day is an example.That is overdoing it.

Keep in mind that although you were the one to have the A,it doesn't mean that your W can disrespect you too now and make all kinds of demands.She is saying all these tings to you because she is hurt but I am thinking that she really doesn't want you to go permanently.If she didn't care at least a little then she would rush off to the D lawyers.

Don't start asking when do you know it's over and when to move on(stop that) but instead focus on the now and the consistency ok? You will have to accept that things on running on their own timetable,not yours.This cannot be hurried along.You have to be willing to stick this out for some time and that doesn't mean weeks,it means months and maybe years to get to a place you can both be comfortable again with eachother.That's what I meant before about testing you.She wants to see if you will bail.

Try to be hopeful.She had you stay on the couch.That is a positive thing,at least in and of itself.One step at a time.

O

Thank everyone I will slow down and continue to try to
take care of her even if it is from a distance.
Can I meet her EN even if I don't live with her??

YES... YES.... YES..... You can meet most of them... What are her top 5? The Washer/Dryer is meeting an Emotional Need for Financial Security...... You can meet the need for Conversation but that can also turn into a love buster if you continue relationship talks, begging, & pleading...etc....

Yes, but you have to identify what they are.Conversation is one,on phone or in person.Financial stability/support,keep paying what you can to help.Domestic support,helping around the house when you are there and being there for the kids and taking them out,etc.Admiration,tell her what a great mom she is or something she is good at,compliment her on it.

See,you can do this while away most of the time but again,EN's have to be identified and of course it would be better to be together to fill these needs but your W is feeling less than comfortable with that so do what you can when you can.One day she might be willing to go over this with you in the ENQ(emotional needs questionnarie).

O

I think I am beginning to understand.I will try harder but
yet slower.Thanks again.Any and all help and advice is
deeply appreciated.

Washer installed.She invited me to stay for dinner and sleep
on couch again.We talked and lauhed and even watched a movie toghther with son last night,had a good time.This morning after I took shower I took her lipstick and wrote
I Love YOU on bathroom mirror and patted her on head and left for work after putting son in bed with her.Taking it
day by day and praying for the best.Thanks everyone.I will
take and appreciate any advive and suggestions.

I just hope you didn't ruin her good lipstick.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />....

Sounds like things went pretty well. Have you taken a moment to look over the emotional needs thing to see if you can determine her Top 5? If not do so let's a make a plan to meet those.

How did you do on the 'relationship' talks last night? Where you also able to be selfless?

You did fine. Just keep it up. You need to show her that you are there for her, without making any demands.

How about MC (Marriage counseling)? Approach it like, "This M means so much to me. I want to do whatever I can do to save this M."

Your health insurance will probably pick up most of the cost for it. If you do do MC, don't "pick one out of a phonebook". Get some recommendations first.

Any recommendations in Arkansas? How do I detremine her top
5 en's if she is not willing to fill out her en questinare?
Thanks again everyone

I'm a big proponent of Catholic Charities. They do a good job of screening their counselors and they are all pro-M. They do NOT try to sell Catholicism. They really just want to save Ms.

You don't need to fill out the EN questionaire like a test. It is designed to get you and her talking about "the stuff that matters most in life".

Print it out, and sit down with her and talk about the questions. Approach it like, "I want to understand you better, but I'm not very good at this stuff. I want to use the questionaire as a way to guide me through what I should be talking to you about."