bumps

whats, Mr. Wondering and rprynne gave you a superb game plan.Please go back and read their posts carefully. Those are your first steps if you want to get your W back.

Hey whatsgoingon, you may find the thread by Hopethisworks titled "Exposed WW last night..." interesting. It's 33 pages of a journey from the very beginning to the current state of things with many of us giving advice and telling him what to expect.

Read it carefully, it's prophetic. And remember, you're not in this alone! Nor are you helpless/hopeless. My FWW and I are having a great recovery. Read about it in the aforementioned thread. TONS of good stuff for you there.

Thanks for all the help.

What kind of ENs can I provide while going thru this? How should I act? What should my kids know?

Well, last night and this morning were unbearable. She claims NC for 3 days, but jumped down my throat this morning. Says she doesn't want anyone to do anything for her, doesn't want anyone to care for her. She says she's had enough. She threatened to go and find an apartment, that I can have the house and kids. She says I drove her to this. She says she's been truthful, but I have caught her in lies and then she tried to say I've lied to her about quitting drinking, even though I haven't had a drop in almost 2 months. She said that things will never get better, she doesn't want to work on M, and that she can't stand me anymore. I said that I was sorry she felt that way, and that all I ever wanted to do was show her how much I loved her and wanted to be with her and make her happy. She said I don't want you to make me happy. I don't know what to do anymore. Please help! I'm drowning here!

Textbook withdrawal. Sounds like maybe she has gone to No Contact. Count your blessings and endure. It will get better. Maintain your composure and stay strong. Watch carefully for a lapse in No Contact. Suggest anti-depressants. Mind your love busters. Keep conversations to small talk and listen, listen, listen.

Mr. W

Well, she just called and asked who I've been calling. I told her I haven't called anyone. She said someone's been calling his work. I told her it wasn't me. She says she hates me, will never love me again, can't stand living with a dictator, and said she wants me to pack my bags and get out. Told her I will not. She says she'll get a restraining order. She says she's sick of me, sick of everyone snooping into her business and if she were to kill herself, it would be my fault. What do I make of this?

bump for help!

bump again. Over at the EN board, we talked about further exposure, to OMW and maybe his job. Is this a good idea for WGO now?

Whats:

I would suggest that you call Steve Harley for a personal IC session to develop a plan of action. He is the real expert. Obviously NC has been broken. Not surprising but keep pushing for real NC without doing LB's. Stick to plan A until you can get your session with SH.

Here's my dilemna with that. I'm not sure there is a serious relationship here. I think it's initiated on my W's part since she is always calling him. It very possibly could just be a friendship with nothing going on (I hope) and I would hate to ruin someone's career and M for something like that. I was thinking of calling OM basically to threaten exposure if contact doesn't cease. And if it continued, then I would know that there is more to it and will expose. What do you think?

You can not give the enemy your battle plan. He likely just tell everyone to ignore the crazy jealous husband & that they are just friends. You must expose and give what evidence you do have to back it up. Sounds like the word is already out. You can just claim since you heard rumors were flying at his work you wanted to set the story straight with his employer and leave no doubt about what is going on. Speak firmly...leave no indication you doubt your evidence and then ask them what they intend to do with the info.

Sorry you are dealing with this but it is long from over. Do not give up hope.

Mr. W

what, believe me, your W would not be threatening to leave if there wasn't an affair going on here. Can you imagine her threatening to break up her family over a girlfriend at work? That makes no sense.

Secondly, MR> W is right, you will just be giving the enemy your battle plan. If you threaten to expose him, he will simply pre-empt you and spin the story with you starring as the "jealous nut job who thinks everyone is trying to get his wife." Then when you do expose they will nod their heads politely and look at you like a lunatic. They won't believe you.

What, we have told you what it will take to bust up this affair and there isn't a thing we can do if you refuse to follow our advice. If you want to save your marriage, then stop letting her crazy moods divert you and move forward with exposure. You must lay out your plan and move forward with focus and stamina. You cant continue to let her every mood throw you into a tizzy.

Your only hope in saving your marriage is to bust up this affair. Your best weapon in busting up this affair is EXPOSURE. Exposure ruins affairs because they thrive on secrecy. As long as she is in touch with the OM, she will be completely irrational and in a deep fog. If you can get that affair busted up you will at least be able to reason with her. But until you do, your efforts are pretty much wasted because you are essentially dealing with a drunk under the influence.

Expose in this order, don't forewarn or "threaten" anyone and do it all in the same day - preferably tomorrow:

1. OM's wife
2. OM''s workplace
3. WW's workplace
4. her parents\
5. your parents
6. any close influential friends


Its best to get it all done in one fell swoop so they can feel the maximum impact at once and don't have a chance to pre-empt you. Hopefully, the impact will kill the affair. At the very least, it will hasten its death by making it so uncomfortable with the light turned on. But, you must do it, want, if you want to save your marriage. Get this done, my friend, so you can get on with the business of saving your marriage.

WH,

Since she threatens to get a restraining order against you, I would suggest you see an attorney ASAP. Living in fear and doing nothing will not help you in anyway. Please protect yourself in this area.

Moreover, as Mel says, if she wants you out, she must be in an A. Trust at your own risk. The signs are clear, the question is whether you are willing to do what needs to be done. Ignorance is not bliss!

Bump

I really don't think she is suicidal, she would never do that to her kids. Speaking of the kids, my 15S made a comment to her last night that went something like this: "Mom, if this guy is more important to you than working things out with Dad and staying together as a family, then I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore." My 12S then piped in "Me too." She then told him that she didn't want to go thru another 16yrs of the way its been to which my 15S responded, "Dad's much different than he used to be. He's fun now. Why can't you give him a chance? He loves you and wants to be with you and no guy will ever work as hard as Dad to make you happy." I was not home a the time, as I was working my 2nd job, but when I found out what was said, I had tears in my eyes. My own son can see what I'm doing and what my W is doing. I wish there was a way that I an just wipe the pain away for them. Unfortunately, they are innocent bystanders to a f***ed up sich right now. My heart really aches for them.

what, your children need to be able to count on you to fight this affair and stand up for their family. What will you do to defend this onslaught on your family and protect your children?

Well, I can't seem to get enough info to expose like everyone has said. So I'm not sure what my next step is. I know I ned a plan, but I'm in a 'fog' too right now.

whatsgoingon-

Time to get out of your fog and stop sitting around paralyzed like a little boy. Your wife is an alien freak right now and isn't even worth listening too. Be aggressive and decisive as an example to your boys and it will reinforce their (obvious) admiration for you. Don't worry about them too much as long as you stay strong...this is all an unfortunate, hard lesson for them but it's a lesson nontheless.

You must remain the stable good guy and maintain the moral high ground no matter what.

I think your wife may need professional help, sounds like maybe depression or some kind of identity crisis. If all goes well, she will return to you better than ever.

Go make it happen. You can cry later.