Over 20 yrs ago, my hubby was dating a girl named Sue. She is 3 yrs younger then him. They dated all thru High school, and continued when he got out of
HS. She then graduated from High school and went off to college in the city.She leaves for college..She was there for several mos until one
day she just calls hubby up and says she doenst want to see him anymore. Its over. They dated for over 4 yrs..They were pretty serious had talked marriage..etc.He
had bought her a expensive bridal chest and everything. SOOO..fast fwd to my hubby and me meeting about 1 1/2 yrs later.. I meet his family for the first
time...ya know what they tell me??? "WOW, she looks JUST like SUE!"and things like that. She was actually his sister in law's best friend, and was her maid of
honor at her and his brother's wedding. SOOO..fast forward to summer of 2003. She comes back to thier home town (where we live) for her 20th class reunion. While she is here..she wants to get together with hubby's family..how much she misses them...etc...gets together with his mom and brother/SIL It "somehow" gets back to him that she
would LOVE to see him again..chat..talk. Of course NONE of this is told to me..that she was here, that she meet his family etc.. SOOO..he gets her phone number and procedes to call her up. They start talking. He on
his cellphone at work..and her at her cellphone at work. They decide to meet. Also during this whole time...I have NO clue. I am having MAJOR problems at work. At one point I quit..literally. I was in tears every day. THings were
not going well.
It gets to be the the wk before deer hunting..and hubby has a day off and goes out scouting deer stands. Later I learn he was metting HER . Fast forward to a few wks later. We are sitting in the kitchen one night, eating, and
the phone rings. It is HER husband. Wanting to talk to hubby, wanting to know what is going on. WHY he is calling HIS wife..do I KNOW what is going on..NOPE..NOT A FREEEKING CLUE!! Hubby gets in to a loud conversation on the phone with him..I know from hearing hubbys side of the conversation that it is NOT good.
I get the kids to bed..and I HANG up the phone..take it off the hook..and say..what is going on??! He procedes to tell me that he had met with Sue, that they have been calling ea other a few times. That they have started a relationship up
again. That he NEVER got over her, that he had lots of questions after she ended it, UNresolved feelings. That he STILL loved her, always had..always would. Loved HER more then he loved me. That our marraige hadnt been
good for a long time. I was sitting there LITERALLY in shock....my life was literally falling apart..esp cuz ..really I HAD NO CLUE this was going on..it
was done SOOO sneakily..soooooo...well..I had no idea!! We stayed up half the night trying to talk. I was DEVESTATED, to put it mildly. Seriously at this point..I KNEW our marriage was over.
I think I got like 1 hr of sleep that night..and cried my eyes out. My eyes were soo swollen I could barely see. The next day I KNEW I had to work...everyone was off..and there was NO one else to work. SO I got
up and I went to work. I looked like ******!!! no lie.. Everyone that saw me
asked me if I was ok..I couldnt hold myself together..and everytime someone asked
the big crocodile tears would come. At work..I got online and got hubby's cellphone records..Remember he
said they were talking a few times?? They were calling ea other 5-7 TIMES a day!!! calls avg between 30-55 mins LONG EA time!! His calls on there to ME were
2-4 mins. They would even call ea other at our HOME!! while I was upstairs, or taking a bath..or on the wkends when I wasnt up yet..THEY were talking. I could NOT believe it..It was BEYOND belief. I called up a friend. I
basically told her..I NEED a favor..can you take the kids..she knew something was wrong from my voice..and no questions asked..said YES..bring them over
tonight.We will keep them as long as you need. SO I got off work..called the kids and told them they were going over to friends and they were all excited. Packed them up and took them over there. I meet hubby at the door. Told him I
had taken the kids over there..and he was like..WHY??! I
said..to TALK..to get this figured out..TO PROTECT my children!!!
SOO..we talked and talked..and talked. He said
he got caught up in the whole thing. That she told him all the good stuff that he wanted to hear, boosted his ego., that all he wanted to know about was why she ended it..and then they just kept talking and connecting..that they
NEVER did anything physical. All it was was emotional, and conversation. I hope and pray that THAT is the truth. So we spent the wkend talking. I thought we
had goten things worked out. How we had grown apart over the yrs. That we were too busy raising our kids the last 10 yrs..and not really connecting as a couple..or doing anything as a couple. That we had grown apart. Which was ALL
true. I just hadnt felt it had been that bad...esp on his part!! SOOO we have been struggling with this since then. I have had a very hard time trusting him again. And I feel that somehow HE gave her more of an effort..finding her..calling her..meeting her..then he EVER did in our relationship. I have had VERY low self esteem becuz of it..and lots of doubts. Asking him every wk..ANY phone calls?? etc...
Fast fwd to this summer. We get back from vac. I decide to go out and weed one day...hubby's truck is parked right in front of my garden...so I decide to turn on the radio. I know he always leaves his keys in the truck..so I go and look for the keys..look in the glove compartment..and GUESS
what I find???? You got it..LETTERs, and a nice picture..NIce!! He had gone to an open house..and was gone. So I read the letters...you would NOT believe
what these letters said....and to ADD to it..SHE sends them to HIS mother..WHO gives them to him..ISNT THAT a wonderful Mother in law???? the letters go on to say..that someone else is living the life she should have had (me)...what a
mistake she made..that she will always love him..and can NEVER be seperated from him again. How he is the best thing she ever had..but she knows that they cant hurt the people in their lives now..but that someday, who knows..and for now they will have this...it was a LONG 2 page letter..It BROKE my heart....again. I called hubby up..and told him he needed to come home..he thought something was wrong with the kids..so I said..can we go for a drive..so we do. So I ask him...Have you had ANY contact from "her"? He says NO..I said..nothing? he says no..so I take out the letters..andsay..WHAT are these?? well..what could he say?? He said he had just gotten the last one in March..none since. That he had totally forgot about them. They meant
nothing to him...Then WHY save them?? needless to say..the pic had already been WELL taken care of..WOOPS.. SOOO we talk some more..He said he forgot the letters were in there..He should have gotten rid of them. etc...etc...I kept
checking his cellphone regards..and he hasnt called her now since last
Dec..that doesnt mean he hasnt called her from somewhere else..or written her a letter..or whatever. I hope..I pray..I do believe that he has gotten over her.LIke he
said..she REALLLLY boasted his ego..something I NEVER EVER do!! I admitted I AM/WAS part of the problem..with him looking for this other relationship. I was still having problems with this after finding the letters..so I
sat down with hubby..and he wrote her a letter..telling her to leave him alone..and I also wrote her a letter...and I mailed it with confirmation..so I knew she got it.
I am STILL having problems with this whole thing....
I feel so dumpy..so unloveable..so not a good wife..but its getting better...I've come a long way..but I still have problems with my hubby..and I dont know if he takes the problems I have seriously..I think he thinks..oh,...well..its over...he's over it..and I should be too. But to this day..I STILL struggle..and its been almost 2 yrs..I think part of the problem is that I expect some GRAND show of love and devotion from him. Something I NEVER got. I got ..yes..I will try harder..yes, I LOVE you..I'm here, arnt I?? but NO grand romantic gesture. Is that tooo much to ask?? am I asking too much??
thanks
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Hi Cindy,

I am too new to offer any advice but I do feel for you. I have been there, heck I am there right now, and I know how utterly devastating it is. Keep looking and posting here and someone that knows what they are talking about will respond. Just remember, you are a good mother, a good wife, daughter, sister, etc. and yes, you are very lovable!! Hang in there.

Cindy,

If he is like me, he doesn't know how to do a "grand romantic gesture." For most of us guys, being there and providing for you is our romantic gesture. And we feel hurt when you women don't appreciate it and are disapointed with our efforts. If you want more, your have to tell us what you want.

RAG, Cindy's hurt and needs are very normal when a BS finds out about a romantic tryst between their spouse and OP. They feel cheated and wonder how it is they can gush all of this romantic involvement with the OP, but can't seem to muster more than the obligatory ILU. As a man, please tell female BSs what they can do to encourage their WSs to exhibit the same romantic behaviors they showed OP to them. I don't think this is an absurd request. It is troublesome to know that they CAN do these things - especially when it has the appearance that they reserve these behaviors to only certain individuals and withhold them just as easily from their spouses.

-pendragon

Rag,
thanks for the reply..I HAVE told him what I would like. I have MANY MANY MANY times. He just does not get it. I said..send me flowers at work..call me, cards, letters, a night out, a wkend away (arranged by HIM for once, and NOT me), buy me something..SURPRISE me. He has tried half hearted attempts...but they are like..here..I picked ya up a candy bar..whoohooo!! UGH.

pendragon,.that IS EXACTLY it..I want MORE then the obligatory ILu!! I WANT the passion..the effort...the WHATEVER it was..that he PUT in to that OTHER relationship. My hubby is VERY VERY laid back..YET he found SOME effort to do all those other things for her..AND to encourage HER to write him, call him..etc...etc...He TOLD me he encouraged her. Heck..he wont even take a day off to do things with me.yet, he finds time to go MEET her 200 miles away..AND talk for HRS a day on the phone with her.
I WANT THAT!!!! KWIM?????????

In my case, I was the BS. Our 3rd child was her love child. My (1st) wife never even tried to make amends. I worked hard and did the best I could at home, but it was never enough. I came to realize that I could make $1,000,000 a day, and it still would not be enough for her. My son, seeing what marriage was like for me, never married. Today is his 41st birthday and I really wish he could find a woman who is not all hung up on me, me, me.

This came to me this wkend..Here is what I think is REALLLY bothering me..I feel that DEEP down inside that he has TOLD her..that she is his ONE true love..that he will ALWAYS love her. When I told him that..he says..I'm with YOU, arnt I?? Now isnt THAT romantic..and doenst that really make you feel reassured...esp if HE doenst proclaim his love..like he had appently done to her...which he admits to encouraging HER to keep in touch with him..but he is SOOO easily ready to not do much FOR me..or reassure ME..but rolls over and goes to sleep..