I have not updated you on events for about 4 weeks as I have been too busy actually living through ****** to take time out to describe it!

To recap: D day was 5 weeks ago, and a subsequent discovery of an A with the same OM 15 years earlier made me walk out 10 days later. The feelings and pain are the sad, familiar litany that so many here have described more eloquently than me. Anyway, I have begun to feel that I am dealing better with the emotional side of the A, and have put all my efforts into marital recovery. The first job is to "de-program" my wife, a process she says she realises needs to happen. She was all in favour of me staying away, but ysterday I decided, unilaterally, to return. She was not happy. I "should have asked her permission" to return to "her" house and "her" bed. Needless to say I pointed out that they were as much mine as hers, and the decisions both to leave and return were mine alone to make. Last night I slept alone, she was in one of the kids rooms. He was not pleased with her behaviour, but all 3 boys have been very pleased to see me return. " What took you so long?" asked the 11 year old!

She has had 4 weeks to live on her own with the chidren, but claims she needs "more time and space" to get over the emotions she is feeling. I have tried to be an un-obtrusive but present parent, but am getting blanked at all turns. I am also getting full-on babble!

:We are separated, apparently. I said that no such legal process had been started.

: I am going about it the right way to end up divorced, apparently. Over to you, I replied.

: How dare you presume to just come back into my bed, she says. Whose bed? i reply. If you think that having an affair for 2 years entitles you to tell me what to do then you have got it very wrong.

You get the picture. She constantly accuses me of wanting to control her, simply because I ask questions like, "Shall I get some more bread today, as I see we have run out" This is all weird stuff, and I have warned the kids that they will hear some pretty freaky stuff in the next few weeks, but not to worry as I am going nowhere.

There is a more sinister side to this babble, however. WW managed to break into my Hotmail account and see the e-mail exchanges between me and the BS of OM. We have very good comms. From these e-mails she has now seen how much effort OM is putting in to saving his own marriage, and that he is either: a: A damn good actor, or: b: never held the intensity of feelings for my WW as she thought, and that she has felt for him. This was a severe blow to her self esteem, and OM and his BS received 3 silent phone calls on saturday. WW denies making them, but the evidence is overwhelming, and I honestly think that she does not even realise that she is telling a lie, so disjointed have her feelings become about her "real" life (ie. me and kids) and her "fantasy" life (OM). I sense major emotional/mental trauma on the way - another reason why I felt I had to move back in. I am the only one here to look after her.

So, moving back - right or wrong? Well it is early days, but if definitely feel that she was not facing up to reality while I was off the scene. I work away from home a lot, so she was able to slip into a well-worn routine and pretend it had never happened. Historically this has been her esponse to traumatic episodes. Unfortunately in this case it meant that there was no end in sight to my exile so long as I waited for her to allow me to return.

I am aware of all the usual provisos about no contact, plan A behaviour and the relentless flow of babble from her. I feel that these issue are all now in hand, thanks to the combined efforts of myself and BS of OM. But, folks, you must believe that this is NOT EASY!!! As you can see I am able to rationalise the behaviour that I am witnessing, but the emotional fallout is very painful. I try to weep out of sight, but sometimes you cannot help asking yourself how your life ended up like this. It is awful.

Anyway, I shall start a new thread on the different way that friends of men and friends of women treat affairs, because I have been frankly stunned by the moral ambiguity that some people have displayed over my wifes affair. If anyone has any thoughts on the tale of woe that you see above then please feel free to post.

Many thanks for taking the time to read this.

Moving back? IMHO, it's a good thing.

As for the WS needing more time. If that's the case, she'd better go get some professional help, 'cuz she's slow in the head. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Of course you are still getting babble. Good to warn your children. Helps them to know which side to support.

Give your children lots of hugs, reassuring talks, etc.

L.

Yup, I moved back on Sunday to a very hostile reception. "I shall not try." "Don't buy me anything" "We won't do any coupley things" "We have no future" and "You cannot make me love you" and last night was awful and awkward in terms of silences. I had to go out to my parents for a solid weep of despair. But keep going on. As you say, it's your house and she has had the affair. At least your WW realises the affair is over.

Tonight we shall watch some TV together, and chat about the day and the kids then I'm off to the gym for an hour to let off steam.

hh, you did very good moving back into your house. You can't very well save your marriage if you aren't there! Good job on exposing the affair to the OM's wife! If the affair is truly over, she should begin to go into withdrawal. As she withdraws, she should draw to you if you do the right things. Have you read any of the Harley materials? There is a link in my signature about Plan A that might be helpful.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This seems to be a feature of almost every A discussed here, it seems. The OM doesn't share the same depth of feelings for the A as the WW.

I believe that, in the case of my FWW, the realization of this has helped to reduce the withdrawal period. Perhaps it works the same for other WWs...

Bob Pure handled a similar sitch like this quite well. He was effectively the beacon, a lighthouse to his WW...she had to figure out how to get herself out of the mess she orchestrated.

If you have to, set up another email account with Om's BW so you can communicate...you could do that at work or at a kinko's or copyng place where there are computers. Your communication with OMW is key to crushing the affair to bits.

As OM works on his marriage, she will get depressed. YOu know it will happen. OM has too much to lose.

It just amazes me how these people can grieve...It is YOU who are grieving alone..but not really...cuz we're here to pray, console, and encourage you to fight for your family!

Your WW will hopefully be soon replaced by your W again. Keep the faith. Know what is and will happen iskey.

Listen to the other guys here who have done this and been there. Try what worked for them...modify it for you.

Be tall, silent, and strong. Your actions will convey that you're not the one leaving...OM is! You're staying for your family.

Glad you're home...again!

Well the plan continues, but the going is not easy. She has refused to sleep in th marital bed since I re-occupied it 2 nights ago - not altogether unexpected. I am giving her plenty of space, not attempting to influence her choices or activities during the day, all to avoid conflict. She told me this morning that she did not want me back as she and the kids were doing fine without me, ignoring my protest that the kids were delighted to see me home.

She then got very angry about our financial situation, saying that it was one of her major considerations as to whether or not she wanted to stay with me. Now, I have let our financial situation slip, as I now realise that I have been totally pre-occupied with the parlous state of my relationship with my wife for the last 2 years. She takes this as me blaming her for the situation. But the situation is not beyond recovery and that recovery is my no.2 priority at the moment.

She left the house in a very bad mood, not wanting to see me until she had to at the end of the day. About 20 mins later I got a text message saying that she did not want to hurt me, but did I see why she was angry with me? 15 mins later another one saying that she appreciated my kindness and felt guilty. I see a classic stress induced over-reaction to the financial situation being followed by a bout of reality when she allows her true feelings to surface. Or am I being naive?

U R being naive. Sorry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

She is pulling your strings to see which one yanks your chain the hardest.

Don't fall for her whips followed by apologies. You don't have to forgive those types of actions.

As for your bed, if she doesn't want t/b comfy and cozy w/you, then you go be comfy in your bed. It is yours.

Don't take her guilt. Give it back to her.

Howz your reverse babble skills? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

I see a classic guilty person trying to manufacture grievances against another so she can divert the burden of blame. That is classic behavior of a guilty WS. It is also classic for her to attempt to bait you into fights and get you angry. If you are angry, then she can rationalize her own sleazy behavior.

Well here I am 5 weeks down the line and NOTHING seems to have changed. My job takes me away a lot and when I return she tells me that she has not missed me because she "gets stressed" when I am around. That is the whole point, I think to myself. I do my best to stay calm when I hear some of the tripe that she spouts, but last night I rather lost my rag.

I told her that I was getting impatient with the length of time we had been in this limbo. It is 18 MONTHS since she first said to me that she was not sure if she wished to stay married (admittedly this was right in the middle of the A). It is 8 WEEKS since D day and 5 weeks since NC yet last night she was still coming out with "I fell in love" and "It's a difficult decision", to which I replied that if the situation was reversed would she be annoyed that I claimed to love her and another woman. This is not possible if you wish to have any chance of building a future once again with me. Big blow up, disappears for 2 hours to talk to "friends" on the phone.

At the end of the day I am afraid that I was telling the truth. I am getting sick of being strung along. I am sick of her not showing a single sign of remorse, not for what she has done to me, but for the A itself. I am tired of the constant drain on my self esteem when I hear her eulogise the OM and agonise over what, for most people, is a straight forward decision. If you love me, we stay together, if not then for goodness' sake have the courage to admit it, and lets move on.

You will have detected a hardening of my attitude in this post. I am afraid it reflects my feelings. How can you remain emotionally committed to someone for so long if they do not reciprocate in any way? I realise that anger is one of the classic post affair symptoms, but there are tears daily as well. I am very despondent and in need of some hope. Thoughts?

From what I have read and have learned, you cannot become impatient. I have found smiling and Sodoku to be a great stress relief, as has been going to the gym for an hour. You need to work on yourself and not, necessarily, your WW. Personally, I go out more and have been visiting friends much more than before. Sometimes I just go for a drive in the countryside for an hour or so or to my parents, just to clear my head. WW dorsn't need to know where I've been - I often simply reply 'Just out and about'.

Limbo is awful, I felt the limbo was doing more damage than possible. Then, last night, my wife came to join me in bed at 3am. She has a cold and wanted a hug from 'her friend'. This is the first major act of affection on her part that I have recieved for many many weeks. I know she is feeling miserable, but she turned to me for comfort. It is for these feelings that I keep going, and giving her a back rub to put her to sleep reassured me that my feelings for her are still there. Two days ago I was close to giving up, as I was drained and afraid of losing all love.

Only you can tell if you can keep going. But sometimes, little signs make it worthwhile again.

I am stronger, fitter and a better cook than I was 8 weeks ago. And my guitar work has improved no end. And I've found some great country pubs and I'm contemplating joining a Sunday Cricket League. And got tickets to see Bauhaus and Fish over the next few months, eclectic but hey thats my music for you. Me Me Me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It is now 8 weeks since D day and I am sorely in need of moral support! How can a woman look at her husband of 18 years with tears streaming down his face and say she wants to put some space between us? The sheer illogicality of her mind is SO bewildering.

In summary, yesterday was her graduation day from Uni. and she quite rightly felt proud of her achievement. I went to the ceremony and videoed her, then took her out for a lovely meal to celebrate. A nice evening was had by all. The bubbly got to me, though, and I asked her why she was still uncertain of her decision re. our marriage. How could a 2 year affair possibly be balanced against 18 years of marriage and 3 children?

Then we had the "distance" line. I was upset, but not as distraught as I would have been 4 weeks ago. I said "ok", kissed her on the cheek and went to bed (OUR bed!) while she went to sleep in one of the kids bunk beds.

This morning we were nice as pie. I told her she looked fab in her work clothes (she does!) and gave her a cuddle and kiss goodbye.

Am I confused or what?! Is she sparing my feelings in preparation for the killer blow (divorce) or are there some signs that her mind is moving towards a future together? Why do I feel that we are only getting to the starting gate of reconciliation? I have been so busy ensuring that reconciliation is a possibility that I have hardly begun to think about the practicalities of living with someone who has so thoroughly destroyed all the most valuable things in my life. Can I do my job (international pilot, long periods away from home) without looking over my shoulder the whole time, wondering? Why does the betrayal and jealousy cut as deep today as it did on D day? Will I ever be able to see her as anything other than an adulterer?

Confused, confused, confused. Thoughts??

As you can see, I am one messed up bunny at the mo.

hh, do you think she has really cut off contact with the OM? Have you verified that with that the OMW?

Because if contact has ended, then things should start going north as she withdraws. HOWEVER, it will be very hard to meet her needs and attract her back into the marriage if you are gone alot. I hate to say this, but job absences make for very troubled, lonely marriages. You realize that, don't you? It may have very well been one of the things that made her vulnerable to an affair.

Do you have the book His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley? I would suggest getting that. You can order it online on this website. And please consider counseling with Steve Harley. He will assess your situation and give you a plan. He can also tell you what to say to get your W involved in counseling. He is a superb counselor and won't waste your time with nonsense. He is worth every penny.