Hi, I'm new here, so I hope I'm posting in the right area...

My name is Naomi, I'm 19 and engaged. I love my fiance very much of course, but I just can't forgive my future mother in law.

From the beginning there were comments which my fiance unwisely passed on to me, about how ditzy I was, and that I must be a slut because during high school I'd been involved in various harmless teenage relationships (I'm a Christian and staying a virgin until married).

That was all fine, I mean, she just needed to get to know me.

The past two years have been extremely difficult as I've been fighting (and winning) against an eating disorder. I now consider myself recovered. I organised counselling for myself and went to great lengths to keep the matter secret from my mother, who is very ill. I'm very proud of beating Anorexia quietly and efficiently. I made the mistake of telling my fiance all about it though, and his mother promptly telephoned my own mother to tell her everything. The fallout has been devastating - just when I don't need the attention, my family watches and regulates my eating patterns because they're under the impression from this woman that I'm still sick, and lying about it. It IS NOT true.

Please understand that I truly am recovered. There was no genuine concern here that I was kidding myself - I'm a very independant girl and I am well again, thanks to God.

Worst of all though is the fact that she uses the recovery against me. All women are sensitive to comments about their appearence, but for me, having reached my goal dress size, 10 (I was a four this time last year), I'm very edgy. She tells me, outside her son's hearing, how "healthy" I look, how the clothes I'm wearing are often "unflattering" and how I should be careful not to overeat, as her son has always liked thin women. It's unbearable.

My lovely doctor, with whom I have a monthly appointment and weigh-in, has expressed concern and reminds me often not to listen to the "negative voice"... but I can't. It's personified in my mother-in-law to be!

I have never had trouble forgiving anyone before, and it's confusing to be so young and so filled up with hate when I think about what she's done to my relationship with my own mother. I need an objective adult to tell me how to, for one, handle my relationship with this woman, and secondly, get over this grudge I have against her.

Thank you...

Naomi.

Naomi- Beautiful name. You sound like a very mature young woman, your future monster-in-law should be happy that her "little boy" has found someone as good as you. Sometimes, you just have to turn a deaf ear to those kind of people. My own daughter has one of those. She has just developed a thick skin, and has as little contact as possible. Fortunately, she lives in another state. Best wishes on your upcming marriage. Have you set a date??

You sound kind, loving and more mature than your MIL. You should have no trouble controling yourself around her.

You might want to cut a deal with your own mother though and enlist her help. Ask your mother not to have any non-superficial discussions with your MIL about you, your husband or your relationship. You and your mom can sit down together and come up with some stock replies for future phone calls.

I would also advise you never to criticise you MIL to your husband and ask your husband not to share personal, intimate things about you or your marriage to his mother (or anyone for that matter) without your prior consent. You, of course would do the same for him.

I do not know if I would ever have done this, but my friend, to commemorate her first anniversary, sent her obnoxious MIL a gift--a copy of the book "How to Be the Perfect Mother-in-Law" by Andrews McMeel. She inscribed the book, "from you beloved daughter-in-law who may have the final say on which nursing home you'll be sent to!"

My friend said she had to do something because she was sick of feeling like she was strapped to a chair with a sock stuck in her mouth.

Hello Pieta and MeOnlyBetter... thank you so much for your lovely replies!
MeOnlyBetter, we haven't decided on a date. I've insisted that he ask my dad's permission before we proceed with anything more (my dad is a jeweller so no ring until then either, lol!). But we're hoping for next September - spring here in Australia, as well as a welcome break from Uni.
Thank you for the lovely comments about my name. It means "pleasant one" in Hebrew and "above all beauty" in Japanese...so it's something to keep in mind around monster-in-law!
Pieta, you're right, I've ranted about my "monster-in-law" (grin) to poor fiance, and I shouldn't do that. Thank you for the advice.
And I WANT one of those books!! I don't think I could be as cheeky as your mate, but she DOES have a point... and whenever I'm seething at her I'll just repeat to myself, "nursinghomenursinghomenursinghomenursinghome..."

Hi Naomi

I had a Monster-in-law like that, once, too, but we are divorced now.

I know the two of you are young, but your fiance really needs to step up to the plate on this issue. If you were to confront your FMIL, it could only make matters worse. Your husband-to-be needs to talk to his mom. You have been through a lot of stress with your mom being sick, recovering from annorexia, the engagement -- yes, even good stress is stress! -- school, and dealing with your FMIL. Do consider going into pre-marrital counselling to discuss the FMIL issue, among other things. I'm not saying your relationship is in any jeopardy, but counselling would help the two of you to transition into marriage -- especially under these extra stresses -- and hopefully your FH will learn that he needs to stand up to his mom for both of you.

Good luck! And stick around! MBing is good for every marriage.


Mrs. W8ing