The recent experience of discovering my wifes affair has been made more traumatic by finding out that many of her friends had known for ages what was going on, and yet hardly any of them saw it for what it was - just a successful attempt by a predatory man to get a bit on the side. They almost ALL bought in to the "true love" "Mills and Boon" picture that my wife painted of this most destructive episode in our lives. Their amorality was exacerbated as several of them have, of necessity, colluded in the conduct of the affair by looking after children whilst my wife spent nights away with OM while I was at work.

My question is this: Is this behaviour typical of the female of the species? I ask because, as a man, whenever I have heard of a colleague "playing away", I have always assumed that it was purely for the sex, that he was playing with fire, and that if he gets caught he is in deep doo doo. Men are dismissive of an emotional motive for affairs, even if one is present, yet women SEEM to be pre-disposed to believe that love must be the driving force behind the relationship, for both the man and the woman. My wife is genuinely convinced that she was/is in love iwth OM and that this legitimises all that they have done. I feel strongly that no man would ever present that as an excuse, as they would be laughed out of court. Furthermore a large majority of her female friends have bought in to this version of events, even though their logical brains must have been telling them that the ONLY outcome from this affair would be disaster.

I am confused and disappointed by their behaviour. Should I be?

Interestingly, for my WW, she has also built this Mills and Boon 'Happiness' scenario with her friends encouraging her to seek true happiness in the arms of another man. Forget the damage it does to her family and children. I believe that many of these women are, themselve, in an unhappy marriage and see my WW as breaking free of my evil influence in a way they are unable to do from their, probably equally unaware, husbands. Ironically, these are the friends who know us least well. Those that have known us longest are horrified and appalled that WW can do this. The quest for eternal 'happiness' clouds so much from WW and will probably destroy us. The rewrites of history are reinforced by 'friends' who have only heard her side. It's an horrific scenario over which we seem to have no control.

Wantingtotry2 you and I sound as if we are in very similar situations. As you say the friends that have known us the longest (10+ years) are absolutely horrified by what has happened. All her recently acquired friends from university, who do not know me or our history, have been busy bolstering her warped view of her own life and the affair that she has had.

Broadly speaking "our" friends have been horrified bue supportive of our recovery, "her" friends have asked her if she wants to stay with me, do you want to go back to the marriage you had etc. All this advice given in complete ignorance of the true nature of our 18 year marriage as they have received such biased reports about it.

This is all taking place in the "fog" of post affair emotions, and is NOT helping her to get out of it. With triends like these....

From my other thread, BTW, I see that your welcome back to the marital home was less than rapturous! The only consolation is that at least WE GET IT! We have a plan, we are armed with knowledge. There is only one choice - stick at it!

ATB

My friends have been wonderful. It took me a very long time to let people in on my secret burden. I carried it around for months on my own, apart from long distance calls to my sister and one other person who was my confidante. I felt like I wasn't being 'myself' with people and perhaps they noticed I was a bit 'off'.

It was actually a huge relief to get some moral support. Most of my friends have been horrified at the change in my husband. I really was one of those fools who said 'it would never happen to me'. Others would back me up on this.

At this point, 20 months past Dday, my friends boost my confidence, tell me when I look nice, compliment me for no reason and I feel blessed that I have found such good companions. I would be VERY lonely without them. TT

Yes, you should be very disappointed because it is largely true. Females tend to romanticize pig sleazy affairs in order to rationalize them so they won't have to be accountable. Their so-called nutty "friends" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> encourage them to do what "makes them happy." [guess we should be grateful they are not serial killers] This is their funny idea of "support." The emotional defense [ie: "soulmates" etc, etc] is nothing more than a method to justify the unjustifiable amongst the non thinking.

My close friends have been magnificent. Taken me out and sat and listened to my woes. I would be lost without them and I will be eternally grateful for their support. I wish her friends would just say to her 'for Gods sake look at what you are doing. What do you hope to acheive?' But she is too far gone. And they just look at her immediate discomfort. Most of which is guilt over falling for someone else. Not true unhapiness with me.

Probably.

I don't know what I would do without my friends. I certainly wouldn't be where I am now. In the early weeks, I got so many offers to hang out or overanalyze the situation on the phone that I haven't spent one night alone. One of my best friends came and stayed with me for a week before she moved out of town. EVERYONE wants to babysit for DD "when I need a break." Married guy friends have offered to help around the house with yard work. I've found that friends of both sexes, especially married couples, are incredibly supportive of me and can't understand what's up with H. Some of our guy friends (one is a new dad himself, for example) are so upset by H's actions that they can't even talk to him. One of his best friends, who was in our wedding, just couldn't believe it. "He always seemed so happy," this friend said. So far it seems like the people H has been leaning on for support... OW, ex-coworker who's been married 3 times, uncle divorced a couple years back and soon to remarry, new single guy friends at work, and flakey guy friend who just broke up with his GF... aren't who I would choose to talk to if I was making a decision like he has made. But that just makes us different people, I guess.

I guess I should have been more specific in my question! Like almost everyone whos has been through the trauma of infidelity I have found true support from friends, and some have been surprisingly sympathetic.

I think my enquiry is really about the friends that one discovers have known of the affair and have condoned or even supported it. What is their rationale for doing so? Do they even consider the effects of their actions on the BS or how they would feel if someone did it to them? The lack of morality is disgusting. For instance one of my WW's best friends was a victim of infidelity 12 years ago when her husband left her. It was very ugly and destroyed her life for several years. Now she is in the throes of a long term affair with a married man, and justifies it by saying that he will never do to her what her husband did to her! What is going on in her head?

Again I ask, are women wired up differently? Am I the one missing some vital piece of the puzzle that justifies this behaviour? Argh!!

Dear Hurthubby,
None of my husband's friends know of my husband's EA. Only the family knows.
I am sure they think something is up though. He made so many phone calls to people he has worked with in the past in addition to his best friend he has had since he was little. That man talked on the cell phone to all these people so much while in the middle of the EA. There is no way they could have not known that my w/h was in trouble.
Only my friends know about the EA for sure.
My friends are totally for me, but there again, they do not know w/h, only me.