This is a very difficult thing for me to write. I have started to type several times, but have editted it everytime. First, I'd like to thank all of you who reply to my posts. I have learned many valuable lessons from you. Secondly, I have come to realize that my marriage relationship with my H has not been one based on trust and honesty, but on dishonesty and manipulation. The love I feel for him has been tarnished not only by the A he had, but by actions on both of our parts. I have let him "get away" with things that I should have addressed at the time, but let it pass. He participated in these actions knowing I was too afraid and unsure of myself to confront him. Is it too late for me to change this about myself and salvage what's left of our marriage?? I know I can't change him, but by being bolder and not letting him manipulate me, I will atleast keep my dignity. I have been having a difficult time of late. I have posted several things in "recovery" section. If any of you wise people out there care to check them out and comment, please feel free.

Hi sister-in-spirit,
I am so sorry for your feelings of hopelessness.
I think after listening to all the more experienced posters give advice, I have finally figured out what Plan A truly means.
Plan A is for us B/Ss' to get our cr$$p together, and to improve ourselves, which part is learning to place a value on our needs, thoughts and feelings. We need to know that we have value, with or without our spouses, and need to find our happiness by exploring what we want, instead of waiting for our happiness to be served to us by our spouse. This is the part that is difficult for me, learning to voice my concerns and stand by them with conviction without LBing. I have always deferred most arguements, fights or discussions to my husband. For me, the fight was never worth the effort it took to fight for what I believed in. I don't know if this is how you ended up in your situation, but for me it was avoiding conflict, which in effect caused more problems by burying, deep resentment and anger.
I am finally at a place in my life that I can be excited about staying with or without my husband. Either way, it is a new beginning.

Wishing you a restored marriage, and courage to be the best you.

Sincerely,
K.D.'s Heartbreak

This is true. It was very painful at first, but only after 1 month of plan A. I am starting to see the light behind the tunnel. I also would agree with my husband or let him have his way just to avoid conflict in the past. I wasn't my own person, because I was so shy, I would hide and depend on him. After doing some reading on how to improve myself and my shyness inconjuction with plan A and exposing the affair. I am starting to see a whole new exciting life ahead of me with or without him. The pain is alot less also

me 26
h 28
dd 6
D day 4 sept 05
plan a 21 sept 05

KD-It has taken me a long time to reach this point. How'd you get to be so smart in such a short time? I, too, avoid conflict. I am a champion conflict avoider. I still swear that we must live in parallel universes. Your story sound so much like mine. I'm not entirely sure I am ready to face what may come. My marriage looks so good on the outside, but is such a mess underneath. My H can't see though. Maybe it's just me and I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I should.

Dougswife,
I have learned a lot from listening to your situation and others. Sometimes its easier to recognize what is wrong with other's marriage, and then notice the simularities between the two, which then allows you to experience one of those "Oh, I get it." moments. While we are so deep in our own muck, its hard to see the forest through the trees.
Thank god, I have you and all the members of this web site to help recognize what I need to do. We come here intending to change our w/s into the person we think they need to be and come away with the realization, that the only thing we can change is ourselves. Once we have transformed ourselves, we then are able to let go of the need to control our spouse and our marriage. We let go of the idea of controling our marriage, and let our improved self, encourage and attract our beloved spouses to come back to the marriage in spirit and body, without the means of threats or weights to tie them down. Our loving actions guide our spouses back.
So many of my relatives question my staying with w/h. But my thought is, if I don't improve and learn what I have done wrong in this marriage, how will I ever succeed in another marriage. I would rather put all my effort to make this marriage succeed.
In the end, I have nothing to lose by trying to save our marriage but everything to gain.

KD- You wrote: "In the end, I have nothing to lose but everything to gain, by trying to save my marriage". I like that, can I use it? May intention this morning was to post one last time on MB then take a break away from it, but the help you and the others have given me today has been so tremendous, I can't do it. I realize that in everything I've read today and previously, that I need to change the way I approach the problems in my marriage. I can no longer sit silent while my H uses harsh judgements and angry outbursts to control the situation. I don't know how I do this w/o LB's but there's got to be an easier way!
BTW- H just called, wants to call a truce for now. If this time is like all previous times, he'll think the matter is closed and over with. Now, the trick will be how to get my questions answered w/o him getting angry. I am going to have to be patient and not rush things. Thanks to all.

I'm glad you are going to stay.
Hopefully both of us will learn how to deal with our domineering husbands, by no longer needing their approval to validate our feelings or thoughts.

My sister recommended the book called "Why Good Girls Don't Get Ahead but Gutsy Girls Do", by author, Kate White.
She said this book helped her immensley in developing her ability to convey what she needed, instead of not saying anything and expecting others to read our minds.
I have bought this book and have read half way through it. Maybe this might help you also.
Isn't that a wonderful quote, I have to be honest I borrowed that from Reba McEntire's song, "Does he love you, like he loves me.", about a wife describing the affair her husband was having with the other woman. Do you remember the video showing Reba McEntire visualizing blowing up the boat w/h and o/w was on?
I just added the part of "trying to save my marriage to it." Please feel free to use it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, I know that song. Always kinda liked the way it ends!
Don't know how this evening will go, but I have to stand my ground. I'm not going to fight with him,but atleast now he knows that I carry this stuff with me. How he chooses to handle it is up to him. My life can be so topsy-turvy sometimes. I wonder sometimes if I don't cause it myself, but that's the old me talking, not the new and improved me.

Right, the new improved Dougswife is confident and doesn't let her husband's moods dictate how she is going to feel about her day or herself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Sister!!

Okay ladies and gentlemen: I have done it. Now the hard part will be remembering it next time I log in!!!!

Welcome MOB!
Love those initials. Lol

Oh by the way, did you ever see the episode of Mad About You, where they met up with a couple that was just like them, including the dog, Murry?
I have three dogs, a boxer, boston terrier, and pug.

Do you have any dogs?????

We only have one doggie at the moment, a mix breed of some kind, our old pup passed to the happy hunting ground this spring. He was 16 y.o. I stil get misty when I think about that.BTW-H came home, DD#1 was here, so he was kinda miffed. We had a little talk. he talked, I listened. It was productive, in a strange sort of way. He said he loved me, and told me to "look around". He feels that since he provides a good home for me, that is enough. I suppose he's right. Now he's in bed,but doesn't think we should sleep together, although we slept together last night. I fixed a nice supper, he wouldn't eat it. He confuses the He## out of me. He did, however, read the letter I wrote yesterday, although I didn't think he did. He quoted it to me. I will live to fight another day..

Years ago my husband also told me that the way he shows his love for me is that he turns over the paycheck to me every month.
Your husbands comment almost sounds the same. Geeze, you would think he would get a clue. After having an affair, and then implying a roof over your head should be enough, well, that sounds clueless.

You know the title says slow learner, it doesn't matter fast or slow, if you learn and prosper from it that is what counts. I would say if you are here and learn and gain in your wisdom you will be the better for it.

God bless you and hang in there.

WOW! You have a bit of a different tone. It really sounds like something has clicked inside of you! That sounds great.

Also, I really like the name change and think it signifies the tone change too...that is you are not being defined by your H or his actions...buy by you--only better.

I read back on my other posts--and they were really direct. I hope they were not offensive, but it really sounded as though you were not recognizing your own power and value....but getting trapped by fear of conflict.

Plus, me being the FWS and being the one fighting for her M and motivating recovery (frankly, this is as it should be really), I have little patience for FWS that are not full of sympathy and willing to do just about WHATEVER to make it up to their BS.

Keep posting!

Human--Your posts to me have always been direct and to the point. I thank you and everybody else who has helped me. No, I was never offended by anything anyone has had to say here. It helps that we have all been in similar situations. having someone to bounce your thoughts and ideas off of is a wonderful feeling and I know that I'm not alone in this.