FF says i am weak for not asking for help when needed, not for needing help.

so i am back.

i have not made it out of the house yet, no bike ride.

i have managed to do some of the dishes in the house.

i am home alone and wanting to self destruct.

what a surprise, once again.

i want to self-destruct so i can stop hurting. like that makes any sense at all.

i only slept about 1-2 hrs last night.

H is out of town until this evening, he left yesterday afternoon.

i know having the one year anniversary coming up is hard on me. having IC tommorow is making me anxious. i pulled out the note to my brother 2 days ago, i no longer know if i want to send it but i also no longer can be face to face with him. he called me for the first time in months and months, and it was hard to talk to him. he called back a bit later but i did not pick up the phone, he did not leave msg.

church called here yesterday and i immediately broke into tears and said i could not talk. it was the church secretary that called. she had called about a week ago and left a msg. we have not been there for so long.

i'm actually already feeling calmer just writing it all out.

one more thing, H has a photo shoot in Hawaaii next april. he wants kids and i to join him either the week before or the week after. it is really about the kids, not me. that is only 6 months away. i cannot possibly go there with him if things are still as they are now. i would be an emotional mess. being somewhere so romantic with a husband that is so unhappy to by my husband that he will not wear his ring. but i should be strong enough to do this for the kids. i should be strong enough to be happy in this marriage for the kids.

FL, it takes great strength to ask for help. Anniversaries are hard but maybe you can try to change your thought process. Instead of being a bad trigger day let it be a day of pride for doing the most difficult thing of your life. The first step to a life of honor, KWIM? You know I think you know how i feel about confronting your brother. I believe at this point you should forget the letter and not see him either. IMHO, it is better for you to cut off contact and heal. Someday you may be ready to face him but not now.


{{FL}} I am very proud of you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"Instead of being a bad trigger day let it be a day of pride for doing the most difficult thing of your life."

i hear what you are saying and it sounds so good on paper... but, i'm not sure i can really get my brain to go along with it. but i will try.

i am really going to take that bike ride now, it is so very nice out. still have 2hrs before kids come home, going to try a new route out. see if i can get extra tired out.

I was thinking about this part. Why not take that first step back and committ to attending this Sunday? Just one day at a time. I think you may find peace there. Even on my worst days, I find joy at church.

i've been to church, just not ours anymore. i've been to the church by our lake house. not very often. H actually went with me 2 weeks ago.

but i will go to some church again this sunday. he has an early job, he will be gone before church time.

FL, can you keep yourself busy in other ways to occupy your mind/body when you feel a crash coming on? What other interests do you have?