Hi everyone,

My STBX and I have a serious disagreement about custody. I have had full custody since she moved out about three years ago. I have wanted custody to stay the way it is with her getting every other weekend, half the holidays and six weeks in the summer. She wants a 50/50 split (or close to it).

She has claimed all along that all she wants is equal access to the kids because she believes that is what's in their best interest. The facts are that she has seen the kids LESS than the schedule I have laid out, many times going as long as eleven days with no contact at all (including phone calls). There is a big disconnect between what she says she wants and what she has actually been doing.

I don't know what is motivating her at this point, but I had an idea. What if I offer to give her 50/50 or close to it with the stipulation that no money will trade hands between us. When the kids are with her, she pays their way and vice versa. We both make pretty close to the same money and any difference could be made up pretty easily (one of us could spend more at Christmas for example).

My main reason for wanting custody the way I do is that I don't like the idea of the kids moving back and forth between households so much, it seems too chaotic. I would be taking a chance here.

What I believe my STBX is trying to do is save face. She wants to be able to tell everyone that she has 50/50 custody. Judging by the past three years along with the lack of interest she showed in the kids for several years prior to her leaving, what would happen is that I would have the kids with me as much as I do now.

As it is she pays VERY little for the kids so this arrangement would in theory make it easier for me financially. It would also put the ball entirely in her court. She would not be able to blame me for her lack of time with the kids (which she does now). She would have to put up or shut up. If this is really about her trying to get CS from me she will have to come out with that. If it's about her fear of having to pay me CS than this would let her off the hook there. If this is about her having learned a life lesson and she wanted to be the kind of parent to the kids that she should be, then we could probably all be pretty content with this arrangement.

What do you think?

Thanks,
starman

Given her history, I would not make this offer. If she truly wanted time with the kids she would have made an effort to spend time with the kids. You are right in guessing that this is probably a money issue.

Now, you can not put into writing anything about having time with the children in exchange for money - slavery was abolished.

Don't get soft now just to get things over with. All these legal things take a lot of time and get stalled. Part of that is strategy. If she can or her lawyer can stress you out enough, you will sign anything just to make it stop. (Don't think that lawyers don't use this!! They don't call them sharks for nothing...)

If you want to, make her an offer to allow her to pick up the kids any time she wants up to 50% of the time and that this time will be tracked. (See Sparc for a time tracker) Then, if circumstances warrant, a new document will be drafted for custody purposes as soon as she shows that she will fulfill her obligation as a parent. Outline this as a "significant change in circumstances" if she is able to spend 50% time with them for 6 months.

Frankly, I wouldn't make this offer - the kids are going to be totally disrupted between two households. Does she even live in the same area as the school?

V.

I am going through a custody battle right now...

Here is what I have proposed to my STBX

ME – Primary physical custody
BOTH – Shared legal custody

Summer Months
~Every other weekend Fri. 11pm – Sun 9pm
~One day during the week 10am – 2 pm
~One week during the summer Monday thru Sunday 3rd week of July

School Months

~B puts C on the bus at R’s every morning
~Every other weekend Sat. 10am – Sun 8pm (STBX works second shift and daughter is usually so tired by friday from going to school all week that she is usually asleep by the time he gets out of work)

New Year’s Eve - R
New Year’s Day – B 10am – 9pm
Cheyenna’s Birthday – R – B Visits
Easter – Rotates – see below**
Mother’s Day - R
Memorial Day – Rotates – see below**
Father’s Day – B 10am – 9pm
Fourth of July – Rotates – see below**
Labor Day – Rotates – see below**
Halloween – R – B visits
Thanksgiving – Rotates – see below**
Christmas Eve – B 10am – 9pm
Christmas Day - R

**Rotating Schedule

B - even years R - odd years
Easter
Memorial Day
Fourth of July
Labor Day
Thanksgiving


I believe shared physical custody is too hard on a child also. They don't know if they are coming or going and if any of your kids are like my daughter they need a consist schedule.

Hope this helps

I have to go back to a mediator because our holiday schedule was inadvertantly left out of our divorce document (and I can't even find a copy of our holiday schedule).
I had no concerns for the minor holidays, only Christmas day and eve, thanksgiving day and mothers & fathers day. Now 2 years later, X demands these minor holidays as his.
So nail it down now.

About the 50/50 it could be many issues, my non-parenting X demanded 50/50 and even threatened sole custody. He refused any offers, even when a mediator told him my offer was the best he'd get and he could get less. Well, he got less (and paid alot to get less).
Try a mediator for the custody issues rather than going back and forth with each other's lawyers. It's a huge waste of time and money.
My decree has a stipulation that my X could seek more custody after he'd proven himself with the kids. OK, it's been two years and he's not bothered to do this. In fact, to counter his claims, the judge put in that he could see them every other Monday after school, and in 730 days, not one Monday visit. Yet, he constantly tells the kids he doesn't get enough time with them.

Sadly, it is about money for some parents. And according to my attorney, my X considers my children as chattle - his property. Great huh!

Thanks everyone,

Well I have been given a unanimous butt-kicking on this idea!(I posted on the GQII forum also).

sunny,

You called it, a big part of this was reactionary due to going into court and having NOTHING happen again. I was more bummed than I realized. Now that a couple days has gone by I can see that. It's only a few more months, I can handle it. Thank you.

AllurinGreenEyes,

It strengthens me to see everyone supporting my current custody arrangement. I hear a lot about 50/50 splits and sometimes I lose confidence that I am doing the right thing. But when I really analyze what I hear, there are many more problems that have arisen from this sort of arrangement as opposed to one like I have set up. I don't have any hard facts on this, it's all anecdotal, but it has been my experience. Thank you.

newly,

You're right that her desire for a 50/50 split could be for several different reasons. I can't figure out her reasoning, but I suppose it's like trying to figure out a WS in the middle of an A. I will just drive myself crazy if I keep trying!

I can be more generous with my STBX in the future if she sincerely changes. Until then I need to stay agressive and keep reminding myself why it needs to be this way. Thank you all for helping me stay focused. God Bless.

starman

I agree with the others. Don't cave now. If you think its in the best interest of the kids for her to spend more time with the kids then give her more visitation. Otherwise don't mess with the stability the kids have had for the last 3 years. They are used to the existing arrangement. Unless it isn't working for them, I say don't mess with it.

There are definitely two schools of thought on Shared Custody. Courts where I live seem to be into it, but I really think it depends on the situation. If both parents are responsible, loving, kind people, live close to one another and get along reasonably with one another I think shared custody could work well. But then again, how often does that happen in divorce?

Miker