Hello everyone,
This is my 4th or 5th post. So I hope you can help me again. Here's a recap:
My WH and I have been married for 1 year and dated for 3 years. He had a EA which lasted two months(which included a kiss and some touching) with a co-worker that was here temp. and now has moved back to here state (so no PC is possible) D-day was Aug. 11 after several weeks of asking him to stop talking to her he finally did. There was no contact for about 3 weeks. We started MC at that time but at one point he refused to go to MC and asked for some time apart. Well the next day after the "time apart" started I found out he started calling her again ( 5-7 times a day)
I have now asked him again to stop talking to her but he tells me that they are just friends that I need to take my focus off of her and put it on the things that were happening in our M. He will not admit that all this has anything to do with the OW.

He tells me he feels as if he has walked through a door and closed it. He doesn't think he is interested in working on our M and that he doesn't feel he is the same person anymore. He tells me I am just trying to control him by telling him he can not talk to the OW because she is just a friend and she is actually helping him through this!!!!
He did move back home after being away for a week and a half. He is miserable to be around I am trying to plan A by being happy and positive and eliminating LB.

The last two nights I caught him on the phone with her after I went to bed. I told him I was not going to be disrespected like that. He needed to make a decision and be truthful with himself and see that this OW is not just a freind. And if she was just a friend she should let you take sometime and try and rebuild your M. He says he doesn't feel like rebuilding his marriage that the only reason he is staying around is because he feels guilty about leaving his family.

I have exposed this to his family and mine. I also have exposed this to the OW mother because she is not married or in a relationship.

So how long should I plan A since he is still talking to the OW and says that he doesn't want to stop?

How long do I put up with him talking to her while I'm at home?

How do I make him see that she is more than just a friend?

Should I let him stay in the house as long as he's doing this?

It has been 2 months since this all happened I feel that I am getting no where or that things have just gotton worse.
Please help me I feel that I am running out of options.

Have you read up on plan B? It is to save any feeling for him you have left before they are gone. Maybe it is time to sart writing plan B letter and post it here for others to help you with it.

Hey realtor,
I have thought about plan B but I am scared that it will totally be the end because he has already said he does not want to work on our marriage and if I lose contact with him I feel I will lose him.
I was thinking about doing more exposing. I think the biggest problem is that he won't admit the OW is more than a friend. I feel that if I can get him to see that or admit that then I might get somewhere.
He did start back to MC today but he went by himself. He said he felt worse afterwards than before.
I don't know what to do???

Hi Kerry,
That was what my w/h said to me when I discovered he was text-messaging and phoning o/w all the time.
W/S all like to say they are just friends. Right...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
I would hold off for awhile on Plan B. Check with Melody, or Ark for some experienced advice. They are great at figuring out the right plan.


Sincerely,
K.D.'s Heartbreak

Kerry,
By the way, my w/h never did admitt to EA. Most won't. Deny, Deny to the end.

kds

It is so hard to plan A. He is sooooo cold to me. He doesn't talk to me badly but he is just withdrawn. When I tell him I love him he won't say it back even thou he said he still loves me.
When I hug him he half hugs me back. It is so hard to keep being nice when you feel that the person hates you.
It is so awkward being around each other. Will time help this or is there something I can do to speed up the process.
And then him still talking to the OW just makes me sick.
I know there has been talk about whether or not to go to MC together or not until in recovery. In my sitch. what do you think seperate or together he said he doesn't care.

Thanks for all your help.

karrie, the only thing I can suggest for now is some further exposure, if there are opportunities there, and setting some boundaries. You may want to reexpose to her mother and his family. If this affair is work related, I would expose there too.

The first boundary is that he does not carry on his affair from YOUR HOME in front of you. This is YOUR HOME. Your place of safety and he should not be allowed to violate the sanctity of your safe domain by carrying on his affair in YOUR HOME. Tell him NO CAN DO and stick to your boundaries. Tell him this is not to happen..EVER. It is grossly disrespectful and if you tolerate it, he will have no respect for you.

I think you are pretty close to Plan B, karrie. He is a cake eater and has no motivation to end his affair as long as he can keep 2 women on the string. If you allow this to go on much longer, you will only be enabling the affair. She probably only meets 1-2 needs of his, you meet 3-4, but he won't ever know that she can't meet his needs unless you remove yourself from this triangle. I see that coming in the near future.

Those are your first steps.

~bump~
Please help??!!

Update as of last night

WH expanded upon his visit with the MC yesterday. He said the C did an excersice where he focuses on the tramatic experience that has happened to my WH, he considers this to be a time that I spoke to him badly. So then the C does a tapping thing on his hand while my WH closes his eyes and thinks about this tramatic experience. Well he said he felt angry at first then sad and then he just wanted to be alone. So he left the C office feeling worse than before.

He told me last night he did not realize how much the things I had said hurt him. The C told him he needed to try and unfreeze his heart. So my WH wants to seperate. He mentioned getting an apartment, I told him I didn't know how we would financial support that. I told him I wanted that to be a last resort. So we came to the decision that he would start staying in the guest room for now.

So I'm left feeling like I don't know what to believe. Is this away to justify the A or is this the truth. I guess this is the reason that the A happened. The C told him that when people go through something that hurts them very badly they try to find a way out that makes them feel better. The C said that is the reason for the A.

WH is still talking to OW, I was walking the dog last night when he pulled up in his car from work and he was on the phone with her. When I saw he was on the phone I just walked into the house and didn't say anything. I have told him over and over NC but he says he's not going to stop talking to her she is just a friend that she has nothing to do with us.

So what do I do now? Do I go along with the plan? I feel I have no other choice, but I don't know.

Karrie...

It is my opinion that your counselor is insdiously dangerous to your marriage........

What it appears he has done is offer your husband a route of misplaced justification of his actions of the affair...

your husband must LOVE this counselor...what WS wouldn't...

I seriously seriously seriously doubt that angry words from you were traumatic experiences that cuased him to have an affair..........

he's a cop for God's sake.................

and any counselor that uses the words traumatic over poor communication techniques needs his own head examined and only perpetuates a victim mentality..................

He didn't realize how much things you said hurt till the counselor planted this seed........

I suggest you speak with this counselor and verbalize your concerns that his use of such things to justify affair actions.................................................

I also suggest that you prepare yourself to not be well received by the counselor when you protest but stand your ground that your husband alone is responsible for his actions of bringing a third party in to your marriage........

karrie...
to do marriage building you MUST understand and get a grasp on the essence of plan A....

you must pick a time limit in your head for your plan A and you must not speak this time limit to your husband.......

do you understand that plan A is ALL about stuffing your emotional responses that deter from the real issues at hand....
cloud up the vision of the long term goal of the two of you becoming a solidified team.................
and give them excuses to blame you while avoiding looking at their own actions,..........

I will try to find my post on plan a and if you can read it..................

stupid stupid stupid counselor................

ARK

You might have "told" him NC, but it works better if there's agreement on both sides.

That "friend" of his got involved with a married man (him), and continued contact threatens to break up your M. Which does he value more, that friendship, or your M? Is it worth it for him to risk recovering you M over by continuing this "friendship"? These are points you might want to bring up with him.

karrie, I can relate to what you are going through. My husbands relationship with the OW started much the same. They work together and he even told me he was going out with her to bars etc.. but I wasn't worried, I didn't she was competition because she was alot older then us, married, and in my opinion not attractive

Now I am in plan A, its very hard. I read somewhere on this site that women should not do plan A any longer then 3 mos for Men it should not be longer then 6. People with more knowledge is this correct?

Me 26
H 27
Married 7 years almost 8
dd 6 yrs
D day 3 Sept 05
Plan A 21 Sept 05

Ark
I am so happy you took the time to reply to my post. I have read your advice before and feel that you are a great influence and a good source of knowledge. Thank You

I am very concerned about the advice the MC gave to my husband. I will talk with him about what you said. Should I do this by myself or with my WH?
I am in the process of Plan A. I have truely only been doing plan A for about a week, being that is when I found out WH resumed contact with OW again. I am going to send the OW pictures of our family and I am going to send her a letter. My sister in law and mother in law is also going to send a letter as well. They are extremly upset with the way my WH is acting. I want her to know and see all the people that she is affecting by keeping in contact with my WH.
Do you think I need to do some more exposing? I was thinking about exposing the OW to her mother again and to my the rest of WH family. What do you think my other options are?
I have not really started trying to work on myself yet, but I feel that I am capable of starting that now.

Man In Motion
Thank you so much for the advice. I have tried to explain this to my WH a dozen times. I have not put it as clear as what you said thou. I will try this again and try to keep it simple and to the point, exactly like you said it.

Duncad
I have read the same advice as far as the 3 months 6 months thing. D-day was 8-11 but plan A really only began a week ago so I guess I have a long way to go. It seems like it has been years, I hope this gets better sometime soon. Or atleast I see something the least bit positive.

I will give to you the same advice I received. Expose, Expose, Expose.. Don't let him know, take advantage of this one lovebuster and expose to everyone that needs to know. I wish I had exposed earlier.

Unfortunitly the title says it all, but I will expand.

Last night I called the OW from my WH cell, which really mad him mad <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The OW told me that my WH told her that we were already seperated and started dividing our things and had already got other places to live. Which none of that is true. I told her that we are still living together and going to MC. She was shocked, she told me that the only reason she was talking to him is because she thought our marriage was over except for the details.
She also told me that WH was planning on coming to spend some time with her to see if their relationship would go anywhere.
So this whole time he has been just stringing me along with no intentions of staying with me but wanting to keep me and see where things would go with her.
Well like I said he was really angry that I called her but I told him I just wanted the truth. When I called her he got out the suitcase and started packing his bags, but I didn't care I wanted the truth and after getting the truth I didn't want to be with him anyways.

So when I finished my conversation with the OW she was very upset that WH was not being truthful with A) himself B) me C) her. She said that she was not going to stay in contact with him but she did want to speak to him one last time to find out what the H*** was going on. So I asked her if she would talk to him on speaker phone so we could all just get this over with. She agreed, but my WH said he didn't want to do that, he told me he wasn't going to play my little game. I guess my game was seaking the truth.

So after I got off the phone with OW I talked to WH and he still said this whole thing had nothing to do with her EEERRRR!!!
He said he felt like our marriage was over before he meet her and that he wanted to see if he could let himself have an A to see if his feeling for me were still there. HUH?!?!

So after all that Bull I told him I felt extremely sorry for his children and that he has completely no respect for me or his family. I then got my purse and told him I wanted his things out by the morning.
Once I left he started calling me non-stop. This coming from the man that has not been interested in calling me for the last 2 weeks. I will not except any of his calls I had the locks changed this morning and I am making arrangements to move back to where my family lives.

He left a message this morning saying he didn't want to tell me the truth because he new it would just hurt me. What a jerk.

So I guess I want some advice on where I go from here. What are the steps that you take to divide material items. Can I make an offer for what I want to him and then go from there. I don't think he will give me a hard time, he's not like that. Does anyone no the time frame for D in FL?
Any advice would be appreciated...

So this whole time he has been just stringing me along with no intentions of staying with me but wanting to keep me and see where things would go with her.

actually he hasnt' been stringing you or her along...all he has been doing is lying equally to both of you....

neither of you were strung along to reach a specific goal for he made no moves towards that......but each was strung along to let him be who he is right now...

a liar

So when I finished my conversation with the OW she was very upset that WH was not being truthful with A) himself B) me C) her.

this is the hyporocrisy of the OP that they can not get around over or under...

they have no sympathy or care about any or all lies that go one between their MP and the BS...and truth and honesty only exist in value or de-value when they the poor poor OP finds out they are being lied to.....

they know that every action of their affair involves lying to the BS and family...but that is all OK cause it is what makes the affair possible....

they only cry booo hoooo when the lies come their way...

phoooooey....
a bunch of relative moralism eh.
a load of crap....

so karrie...what is it you now want..........

what do you want to do about this..............

figure that out and move from there..

where is hubby staying right now...

ark

Well my plans are to hire someone else to take my position at work, I will have to train someone before I can leave. That is really the only time constrant I have.
Other than that I am now trying to figure out what to divide up and where to start to sort through the financial aspect of everything.
I also will have to try and set up a life for myself in the town where my family is, which is about 1hr and a half from where I live now.
It is all so unreal how things can change so fast. I feel so up rooted and numb.
I'm trying to keep my head up but it is sooooo hard.
I really don't want to have to say goodbye to my step kids ( 11 & 8) I have seen them grow so much and I love them so much. I don't know what to tell them.

This just sucks that every one has to suffer because of one persons irrational behavior.

Are you saying you want to divorce........

ARK

Yes I am definitly filing for divorce.