How is ya?

bump

MelodyLane -

I'm here. I'm mentally tapped. I wasn't mentally able to stay on the boards last night.....Just made me think too much about the sitch I'm in.

I hate the WH. I had a bad night with DS last night & my aggravation with this whole sitch was too much for me on top of a 6 year old who was on my last nerve. I love DS dearly, but you know how kids can be sometimes.....

I spent some of yesterday & last night researching what to do about my financial situation. I have been in somewhat of a denial about how much in debt I am. I don't want it to get out of control like my M did. So that added to my depression last night.

I have two things to deal with tonight. One being my financial sitch & the other is another note left by WH. I communicated to Sara that I had plans tonight & that WH needed to pick up DS, home by 8 PM. I did have plans, but I canceled them......

I guess I'll will just thos right here in this thread.

1 - Finances: My current mortgage company is willing to refinance at a 5 year fixed. It will add $130 per month to our payments. I can roll a good chunk of CC debt into the refi. I am including $$$ for WH for his CC debt. I don't know if I have it in my heart to just cut him out like that. I know what he has done to me and that him being in financial difficulty might hasten the end of the A, but I just don't know if I can do that. The loan officer said it would take at least 8 months to break even from the refi.

Refinancing is not a short term thing. WH knows that. What his he planning on doing????

I am getting quotes from other mortgage companies to see if I can get a better rate. I am also looking into two services that help with debt management. So I want to see what they say & then decide which way would be best. If possible I'd like to pay my debt off without rolling it into a mortgage.

By the way, on my current mortgage the rate is fixed until November 2009!!!!!

O.k. that's sitch #1. I will post sitch # 2 next.

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS age 6
Married 13 years
Plan B 10-11-05

Sitch 2:

Note from WH. I did communicate to Sara that I didn't want any notes from WH. Here is his note:

Kimberly,

Can you give me some money for the tax return? I paid the $300, but I really am short on money until Friday. Just 40 or 50 bucks would be a big help.

Our sate refund of $xxx should be in in about 10 days and the Federal should take about 2 - 3 weeks.

Also, it really is important that we refinance the house while rates are still mostly low, and pay off those high interest debts. It'll save both of us money each month and the loan interest will be tax deductable.

WH

So, he did pay the $300 which I technically owe 1/2. But in a message to me he said he was putting it on a credit card. I really don't have the extra money to give him anyway. I hate that he is hurting financially....He had the offer to move in with Charlie & Sara last Friday instead of staying in a hotel room.

I really would like to speak with WH face to face on this. He will be returning DS sometime before 8 PM......

I simply feel sick to my stomach right now. I ache to help him and be done with this. Why won't he just end the A???

Kim

Kimberly,

Try an on-line home equity loan company. Fill out a questionaire at www.lendingtree.com and immediately you will get a few quotes. They may even give you a gift or award if you use them. Most have no fees. It's worth a shot.

I used Lending Tree and got a great offer from www.deepgreenbank.com. No fees up front and you pay interest only for 5 years then 20 amort on loan. No appraisal at all and they sent a closer right to my home within a week or two. Try them as well but the deal I got 1.35% below prime is no longer available.

Mr. Wondering

Kim, put the note in the trash and do not respond. He is testing your resolve to see if you are serious. You have come this far, don't let him pull you out of Plan B with his never ending daily whims. He needs to know that you are serious about no contact lest he will send you notes all the time and put you through this ******. Every time you read his notes, it puts you through ******. Every time you respond just gives him another fix which allows him to carry on his affair longer.

Throw the note away and stop reading his notes.

p.s. and please tell Sara to reiterate to him: Please do not contact me until you have ended your affair.

a broken record, over and over and over again.

If he needs money, he can call the OW!

Melodylane!!!! Good one!!! He spent $$ on her so why can't she reciprocate!

Seriously, I technically owe him $$ for the CPA FEE for the taxes.......

I don't want to involve Sara & Charlie in our financial woes, but should I call her now & ask her to call WH???

You are right. Every time he leaves/gives me a note it tears me up inside.

By the way - Mr. Wondering, thanks for the info. I will check into those tonight.

Kim

Kimberly,

Before you refinance, make sure you talk to a divorce attorney about how the assets/liabilities are likely to be divided in a divorce settlement. If you refinance his credit card debt into the mortgage, could you end up owning 100% of that debt since the mortgage is in your name, not his? Is he trying to screw you by putting all the debt in your name and, then, divorce you?

Regards,

BB

Kim, he can take the money out of the state refund, no? You are short on money yourself, aren't you?

Kim, I am serious, I don't think you should respond at all.He needs to get the message! You told him no contact and he thinks he can skirt that when the spirit moves him and disrupt you with a note. I wouldn't call Sara, nothing. Don't even let him know you have read it.

Great advice, BB!

BB -

That is one of my concerns. I don't know what he is planning. I do know that he is struggling financially. He needs to get rid of some of his debt. To cover myself, I should probably have them put him back on the mortgage if I refi & if I include his debt.

I think he would still be liable for the debt if we divorced regardless here in the state that I live.

Kim

He can take it out of the state refund when it comes back. It will all pretty much be his b/c he also paid to have the house repainted 5 months ago out of his pocket.

I feel awful. I can't believe he is asking me for $$. Doesn't he see what this is doing to us??????

He's going to want to come in the house tonight, I just know it. I'm heading out for a quick moment. Luckily I received a check in the mail today from a home-based business that I used to work heavily. I quit doing it when I found out about the A, but I still get a check every month!! It's not much, but I certainly helps.

Be back soon -

Kim

And what is your plan if he tries to get in? I would suggest meeting him at the door with a firm 'yes?" When he starts talking say: "have ended your affair?" NO "Please respect my letter and do not contact me until you do."

Then shut the door. Kim, you can't let him break your Plan B when the spirit moves him. That puts all the control right back in his court. You cannot afford that! Stand firm NOW or you will be going through this ****** daily! Pay now or pay in the future.

Kimberly

I am new, but I agree with MelodyLane. Show him you mean it when you say "do not contact me till the affair is over".

Kim, here is another way to look at this. Plan B is supposed to give the WS a picture of what it will be like DIVORCED. He will not be able to call you up for a loan when you are divorced.

He has CHOSEN to not be involved in this marriage, don't give him the benefits of marriage. He wants to behave like a single man and have a gf, then let him suffer the consequences of that choice! Let him call up the OW ask her to bail him out.

Well, when I was arriving back into the subdivision WH was coming around the corner -leaving. A full 45 minutes before he was sheduled to drop of DS. I'm glad I left when I did.....makes him wonder what kind of plans I had tonight!!

I had just enough time to get inside the house and try to figure out what I was going to do before WH pulled into the driveway. I ran upstairs to find a copy of my Plan B letter to give him in case he came in. Just DS came in. WH left.

WHEW. I got myself all riled up for nothing. The phone rang a few minutes later. I chose not to answer it. It range 10 minutes later. I chose not to answer again. I need to get called ID.

That sure does sound funny, called ID to avoid phone calls from your H.

DS told me about their afternoon. Turns out they went out for Pizza & WH had BEER. Doesn't sound like a man needing money here. Then they went and bought Halloween candy. Granted, WH needed to feed DS BUT PIZZA & BEER???

DS said that when Daddy left he was on his way to Home Depot to buy paint for the the side of the house......on his Home Depot charge card I am sure.

The other thing that bothers me about this whole scenario is that 1) WH paid the CPA on Friday (check or CC? I don't know) 2) I found a $236 expense check for him that he was missing from September so he most likely just deposited it on Monday. So he at least has some $$. Maybe he didn't balance his checkbook properly. That happens to me more than I'd like.......

If I were in his shoes, my BS would be the last person that I would be asking for money from. I guess now he knows how it feels to keep begging/asking someone to do something and they continue to ingnore it. "It's in our best interest to refinance."

"No, honey. Ending the Affair is in our best interest."

I got a message from one of the other mortgage companys. Said they weren't too sure if WH could be added onto the mortgage b/c he has only been at his current job for 1 year 1/2 and b/c of the nature of his last job......

SO.......WH is depending on me to help dig him out of his financial hole. I don't think he could go out by himself and get a loan. I wonder if he checked into that before and was unsuccessful. He can't get a home equity loan. His name is not on the mortgage. So how else in the world is he going to get by??? He will be getting $1100 back in 10 days from state tax. I wonder how long that will last him.

Which leads me to another question: When the check comes it will be in both of our names. Before I would sign the check over to him & he would deposit into his account. I had to be present at the bank, along with my drivers license. How do I get around this???? I don't want to have to see him...

Sorry so long!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kim

Will you be getting half of this check?

Umm Why are you signing the check over to him I think your are intitled to at least half of it. I would get my half if I was you. You are struggling as well and if he gets a refund because you are married you are entitled to at least half of that. I would allow him to sign the check then have him return the check to you. Take it to the bank then send him his half of the money. You do not both need to be present to cash the check you just need both sig. on it.

Please don't let him take advange of your genersosity. Get what is coming to you I am sure he never would have gotten the money back if it wasn't for you and DS. Just my op.

It will be in both of our names. However, there is the $300 CPA fee and $750 that WH paid from his pocket to get the house painted in the spring. That eats up most of the first check. The Federal check will be about 3 weeks, which I expect 1/2.