I am going to change my login name to Woke the heck up. Or something like that. After over a YEAR of fighting for this marriage. I am finally accepted that no matter how determined one is: saving a marriage takes two.

And it was a couple of posters on this board that helped me make the change. There are a couple of posters that are in dire circumstances that STILL refuse to change their sitch. I took a long, hard look at their exercises in futility and I had an epiphany. I was using the YABUTS as an excuse to STILL try to CONTROL a sitch that I can NEVER change or control. It is in GOd's hands and in WH's.

FYI, I coined the word, YABUTS. My definition: when advice from people with the knowledge and the experience tell you the TRUTH and the poster says, Ya, But, MY WS woould NEVER do that. Or Ya, but, I CAN NEVER live without him. I was horrified at myself.

Yeah, I know. How many times have I been told that. HOw many brick walls did I run my head into TRYING to CONTROL Dork's behaviour? No go. UH DUH!

So Sour Male, and all the others, close your mouth. I am there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />


So FIM, FF, and all the other pioneers on this track. Make room, I am on my way. I am ouuta this no-win sitch.

Thanks everyone.

We knew you would get there, FAA! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

THanks, FF. You are one of my inspirations. ONe of the GOOD ones. Stay Strong, FF. We have your back! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Good for you FAA! I'm always for trying to work things out, but it does take two. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Semper Fi,
RIF

Congratulations! You just took control of your own destiny.

FAA.....hullo from this side of the divide. Unfortunately the road we walk is a crowded one, though there always seems room for more.

May your husband get posted to patrolling the Northwest Passage in the winter. And may he touch his tongue to the metal railing at -40 degrees.

THanks, RIF and Mojodiva. Yes, I did take control of my destiny. I am hard headed. But everyone has to do what they can WHEN they can.

Binder, I darn near snorted my tea! STOP THAT! I can just picture him on the HMCS Bucket O' Bolts, with his Tongue stuck to the mast.

Wait, foggy picture coming in clearer... Putting glasses on..... OHHHHH not his TONGUE! Bad Dork... Serve WH right. lol. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Day 4 after the D papers signed. And still struggling to disengage. Have a serious case of the shoulda couldas. Dork shoulda come home. Heck Dork shoulda NEVER done this. Dork COULDA talked to me. COulda tried. ANd then realize I have no control over what DORK does. Only me.

What a hard lesson to learn and to bear. FF is my inspiration for this self-examinition. And Bob. And RIF and ****STARZ*** And Jelly. And cmac And all the rest.

You have kept me on the almost straight and narrow. Despite my as Bob calls it, "my helpless love" THat made me sit back on my heels HARD. My love might be "helpless" But I am NOT. I do NOT have to stand for the abuse and the neglect and the crumbs. I can CHOOSE how I react.

What kind of example am I setting for DD if I ALLOW this behaviour of Dork;s to define me and OUR life?

No 2bys needed, thanks. I am giving them to myself all on my own. TRYING and mostly succeeding to rip Dork out of DD and my life. We cannot heal with this hanging over our heads.

He knows what he needs to do to regain contact/access to DD. It is now part of the SA. He must PROVE to me that he is in ongoing counselling. So, it is his choice as to whether he EVER sees DD again. And it is MY decision as to whether I will ALLOW him to see DD. But IMO. THis is a non-issue. I won't have to make that determination at all.By his amzing non-effort, I am sure it will continue. His loss.

DD has an additional condition. On-going counselling and NC. I have explained to her ad nauseum that this has NOTHING to do with her and her father. SHe says it has EVERYTHING to do with her. DORK swore on bended knee to DD 4 years ago that he would NEVER do this again. ANd he did. SO it is a matter of trust.

Dork is NOT up to the challenge. Sadly. For him and even more sadly for DD. SHe has been abandoned by Dork. In favour of his MOW and HER daughter.

You are doing good, FAA. Keep detaching. Keep your DD's face in front of you whenever you are tempted to contact the dork! I don't blame your DD for feeling the way she does, although you do need to keep reinforcing that it has nothing to do with her.