Im at a lost for words. My husband just learned about my affair. To start off we have been married for almost 5 years. I love my husband dearly. I admitted to him that this has been going on the whole 5 years. Its with someone he know.My childrens father. It started out because we always remained friends. We split on good terms. He has always been there for his children. I turned to him with my problems with my husband, instead of telling my husband what was going on. He became a shoulder to lean on and a person to make everything better.

My children's father and I have been intimate at least twice a year. Just was meeting up at least every 4 months just to talk. Not to mention the phone calls everyday or two.

My husband never suspected a thing. We finally sat down to have an open honest conversation (something we haven't done in 5 years).My husband was telling me how much he wanted to change to be there more for me and the kids. How he NOW wanted to step up and be a father to the kids, and be there for me. He says he finally felt us drifting apart. I agreed to accept him changing and broke down cring (because it's all I wanted from the start).

He say he seen it in my face that it was something that I wanted to say. I couldn't see myself telling him at first. I didn't want to hurt him. He asked me was I or have I ever had an affair. He told me to be honest because we can get past it no matter what. I told him NO. He asked was i seeing the childrens father. I said yes but only as a friend. So asked me if he was to call my childrens father will he say the same? I figured my children's father was my friend so therefore he wouldn't tell him anyway, besides hes married also. So now the phone call. My childrens father told him the truth. I couldn't belive it.

I finaaly admitted that it was true. So I lied for two weeks about when, where,and how long. My husband said he couldn't work it out or get over it if he didn't know everything of it all. So now the truth is out were tring to move on but its only been a month. My husband Keep wanting to talk about it and I don't. I don't know how to fix it nor make it better. I've been around him after work everyday. I give him all my extra time and energy. I see in his face the hurt each day. I've read everything posted about infidility and i still need help. So if possible Please Please help me rebuild my marriage.

Lonely_but_not

"My husband Keep wanting to talk about it and I don't. I don't know how to fix it nor make it better."

I think you have just answered you own question as to what to do(talk). Remember you had an affair with someone he will see for the rest of your marriage(your childrens father). Also you didn't come clean first but continued to lie until you were exposed. Two big hurdles to overcome.

Lonely but not,
I'm glad you have found MB. Welcome.
This is a hard circumstance, and it would have been better if you had been honest in the beginning. First of all, how do you plan to manage the logistics of seeing your kid's father so that your H has no reason to worry, and that you are accountable? He has every right, nay, you should INSIST that there is no unaccounted for time with you and your Ex.

You are fortunate to have a loving husband who is trying to stand by you. How long were you with the children's father, how long were you broken up before you met your current H, and how old are your children? Does your Ex's Wife know about this?

Is your H at all interested in reading/posting here? He's going to need this as much or more than you.

NTL

NTL,
I thank u for your toughts and answers. I do feel lucky to have my Husband.I was with my childrens father for close to 9 years. We were broken up about 3 months when I met my husband. The children are 13, 10 and 8 years of age all boys. No my ex's wife dosen't know about antof this. I don't think my husband will post here. He dosen't want anyone in the family to know about any of this. He says no one needs to know whats going on in our family...not even his parents or brothers and sisters. I offered that we go to theopry or something he says he don't need it he just wants to be able to trust me again. Thats what hurts me the most because even through this all I love my husband and not my childrens father i never meant to hurt him this way but i see the hurt everyday now in his face.

Lonely,

Having your H coming to board is not necessarily letting anyone know about your A. No one here really knows anyone else. It is just a large group of people going through similar circumstances offering support and guidance. And whether you H wants to think it or not, he needs that. Building back trust is not something that is just going to magically come back over time. It is something that needs to be worked at. He can get a lot of great ideas on HOW to work at that.

And welcome to MB. You have found a great place to get your M on track.

Hello Cinn,
Thank you for the comments. I have read your post that u wrote about your A. I also understood myself alot more and what him and I was going through more now that i read Marriage Builders. On all aspects I understand more. I do also belive I went through the withdrawl, the sucide feelings. I Have alot of remorse for what I did. Im 30 years of age will be 31 in 2 weeks my H is also 30 and will be 31 in a month. We talk more now it seems then we ever did. He says he now what I need and want and I also know what it is that he wants a bit. My H dosen't express his feelings at all. He's the type of person that seems to always have this tough exterior which make it hard as well to even get a emotion out of him. For a long time I figured he just didn't care about anything (me nor the children). He says this is a wake up call for us both. If you or anyone that reads this post can help or give a word of advice i do and will appreciate it. I still have alot of questions. If you don't mind.

1. Is there anything I can really do to help ease the tense feeling around the house?
2. Will he ever truely forgive me? Or always bring it up?
3. Why do I feel as hurt as he does?
4. Why do I cry almost everynight as if he's the one who had the A?

Lonely,

I have a lot of posts out there about my A, and each seems to tell different parts, so if you have any questions or want more details, let me know.

In answer to your questions ...
While a BS might better be able to answer that question, it seems that total transparency and doing your best to meet your H's EN is a good step. Have you read His Needs, Her Needs and taken the EN questionnaire? That would also be a good start.


He might bring it up for a while, and it may take him a while to forgive you, but if he wants to, he eventually will. Remember though that forgiving does not mean forgetting.


I think one reason you might feel hurt is that for the past five years, you have had someone else meeting your needs and now that is gone. You are losing something. And it hurts to know that you have put your H through this kind of pain. You may feel as hurt as he does, but as most BS will tell you, his pain is far worse.

I cried all of the time, and I still do. If you are truly repetentant, then there is a lot of pain that goes along with that. Different people express pain in different ways. For us, it seems to be crying.

I am glad that your H is willing to work on things. Count your blessings and make sure that you always give 110% each day to making things work.

Let me know if you have any other questions. There are a lot of other people on MB that are probably more qualified to help you, but I will do my best!

God bless.

Post deleted by penaltykill

Hello penaltykill,
Thank you for the words of encouragement and the great thoughts. I wish I can say were doing alot better...But...i can't. The last five days were going well then as of last nighthe wanted to talk some more. I've been honest with him about the whole ordeal and now its seems hunt me. He says he can't get oveer some of the things i did. I understand it will take time. I feel like i can't take nomore. I know it may sound selfish but i do want to be with my H. I love him dearly but i can't just keep talking bout it. Am i so wrong. Do it really get easier to talk about?

Please understand that what your H is doing is very typical of most BS. You may be interested in reading Joseph's letter:


TMCM

TMCM,
Oh my goodness... I thank you so very much for the letter. I finally figured that part out tho... Thats why I didn't hold anything else back. My H kept telling me I couldn't feel for him that he had to do it for himself. He as well told me to stop trying to spare his feelings because I didn't truely know those as well. It actually made alot of sense to me when it was said that way and the way that its in the letter. Its another week gone by and my H and I had a wonderful weekend. Im looking forward to plenty more of those. Im taking it one day at a time. I also reassure him that i love him morre then ever. Thats what he says he wants but im afraid im going smother him. Do you think I can really tell him I Love him too much?

Lonely,

No you cannot tell him too much. More importantly you can match your actions to your words. That will help alot. You should understand that this recovery will take fully a year or so to accomplish and in between there will be some severe ups and downs, it is called the roller coaster around here. So fasten your seat belt and be ready for the long haul.

You have read the letter but what you haven't realized yet, is that your ENTIRE marriage has been a lie. You have been cheating on your H for the entire marriage. That will take quite awhile for your H to get over. He is collecting the information now. He needs that to really understand what the marriage he thought he had really was. It won't be a pretty picture will it?

In the coming months your H is going to go through a great deal of pain. Most of it will be direct inwardly, but the reality is that you NEVER gave him a chance did you? Your heart was in two places and you had many barriers up to protect your affair.

Lonely, hang in there. Many men who find out that their W's have cheated their whole marriage would be gone, especially with no children between you two. Your H is still there, you have no idea what that is taking for him to do that. If nothing else respect that in him, and if you do respect that acknowledge it. You see his self-respect, self-image, believe in himself as an H have been severely tested.

You have had the high of having two men that want you, he is finding out his W did not want him enough to honor her vows.

Having just said what I have, do you see why this may take longer to heal than you might imagine? It will, but it can, IF you are willing to hang in there and start to replace the history of your marriage with a new history that starts NOW.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Post deleted by stop_the_drama

Dear Lonely but not,

I (Soooohurt) am the BS of Stop the Drama above. My husband is giving you advice when he too just had an affair with his secretary and still works with her - refuses to change jobs - maybe transfer her.

Your situation is similar because you will be constantly seeing your ex - like my husband sees the OW. This constantly makes me wonder - could something happen again -what do they talk about when I'm not around. I broke the affair off between them because of my evidence and confronted him. I truly believe they are thru. But to have constant contact with the OP is difficult for the BS. I needed to know everthing that went on between them, so I can get it out of my system and I was not in the dark. I needed to fill in the missing pieces. When these were filled in, some still are not, then things fell into place and I knew why things happened in our marriage.

You say you would talk to your ex. Couldn't you talk to your husband? I could understand that if you couldn't, because my husband refused to talk to me - that's because I wouldn't believe the baloney he would say - the other person does. Talking and listening to the other spouse, I think, is the biggest part of a marriage. In my marriage my husband was the one who didn't want to communicate. This was just an excuse so he can talk to the OW, so he would have something to say - my wife doesn't understand me, etc.

So far as keeping it a secret - my husband was the same way - but the family eventually found out anyway. He still thinks no one suspects or knows in his office. Yeah sure! He thinks people are blind!

Did you ever get over your divorce from the 1st husband? Did you still have feelings other than friendship for him? Does your ex still have feelings for you? You have to decide who you really love and not keep anyone hanging.

In my situation, my 1st husband was abusive and I divorced him for my safety - so I never had contact with him in over 25 years. My divorce was very bitter.

Your husband must truly love you if he is willing to forgive you, after your long affair. I too love my husband and am trying to work on our marriage. Trying to repair your marriage after an affair is sooo difficult. You're on the "other side of the coin" and can't imagine how your husband feels. You may hurt, not you will never feel the hurt he does.