When your ex moves to another state, how does divorce work? I was going to hire an attorney this week or soon. I've been separated for 10 months now. After I left I was told by an attorney that I'd either have to file in the town we lived together after the baby was born, we moved a month after he was born 1-1/2 years ago, or if I waited a year or so likely I'd be able to file here - in the town I moved back to five hours from my ex.

He lost his job, then another job and it looks like next week he's going to take another job in a different state. I wonder how this is going to change everything. Being the too nice of person I am after this messy marriage - and what a jerk he was to me - I would just prefer to let him settle in his job and then file, perhaps a month from now. Guess it'd be cold to have a deputy from the sheriff's department show up at his bank his first week as president to tell him he's getting a divorce.

Will it be harder to divorce him when he's in another state? Will I be able to file here now, especially since he's gone likely I will I suppose? How will this effect custudy of our boy? He's 1-1/2 now. There was violence in my marriage, it's on his record, I've been told it hard and expensive to fight for sole custody, I'm not sure it's necessary anyways. He hasn't been that interested in making much of an effort to see his son. Only about six times in 10 months and not at all in the last two months although he was unemployed and had time. It's all been at his convenience.

So I did tell him he could fly here every month or two to see his son if he takes this job. I was majorly encouraging him to do so as I guess I honestly think it would be easier. He's been quite awful to deal with, a very selfish man. And I can't even begin to imagine the nightmare this would have been had we lived in the same town. The counselor I'm seeing seems to think he's the type that'll just slowly faade from our lives. He'll make it look liked he "tried" to get a job here, tried to see his son, and that'll help with his guilt, if there's any at all.

I just can't imagine my boy leaving for a month in the summers. What age does that usually start? Do they decide that now or wait until he's older? If there's a chance he can have him too long and I'd be nervous do I have to fight hard now and bring the violence and muck into this divorce. I just wish I could get this over with easily without months and months of fighting. My dad died this year, I run a business, I can't handle much more stress. Well I could if need be and if I"m told I have to fight and get this figured out now or it'll haunt me later on.

I can't stand most attorneys, they are so aggressive when you call them, makes me sick. I'm trying to ask around and get a good reference to one that's decent, but then others say to hire a mean bulldog type as my husband's been so manipulative and slick.

Just don't know what to do or when, this ads a whole new glitch to it... but at least he'll be out of here soon. A few states away. I'll be able to sleep better at night and have more closure. Perhaps it won't steam me as bad that he can't be bothered with driving to see his son, or when he was makign 90k his excuses that he couldn't afford it. I feel sorry for my little boy, I wish it was different for him, I wish I hadn't made such a stupid marriage choice. I'd hoped for the best, it didn't happen. This is the worst possible scenerio I'd have never imagined happening.

Good out of it, I'm going to church again, getting closer to God, am exercising, enjoying hobbies, making new friends - starting over at 37... never ever dreamed of this. But there must be more life ahead.

Depending on the laws in whatever state he's moving too HE could file there and you would have to go there for court hearings and such.

Here is what I would do. Marital issues come under three different headings:

divorce
custody
property settlement

You do not have to do all three at the same time. Go down to the courthouse local to you and ask the domestic relations people to help you file for divorce. If you are low income or domestic abuse victim they will give you legal aid somehow - either a clerk to help you fill out the papers or a lawyer to look over your papers once you fill them out.

If you think he will file, I would not wait for him to file first and risk having to make court appearances in another state. Maybe he won't file and it would probably be in your best interest to lie low and establish your residency. Custody depends heavily on status quo and you want to establish your son's residence and caretakers before you get into any kind of a dispute.

If they tell you that you have not been in residence long enough to file then ask them for help filing a change of venue request since it would be too inconvenient for either party to use the previous place of residence.

If you can avoid it, do not file any custody papers - it might make him remember he has a son and then he might start demanding visitation and shared travel expenses since you moved away. From what you said, he is a violent man and you would not want to risk him harming your son. Wait until he starts to make noise about visitation and demand supervised visitation because of his violent nature.

V.

Wow, than you sunnyva for the information.

I'm not low income, but maybe I could use the system, I'm self employed so actually I don't show much income on my taxes but in reality make a whole lot more.

I don't think he'll file, but perhaps at some point he will if I don't, say he gets a girlfriend or something.

At least I can go to the court house and get the papers to bring home. And I can ask about residence here. I moved to this town actually nine months ago, I've had mostly the same daycare since being here.

Actually today I was thinking about moving back to the city where it's more central for my business, but from what you are saying I should hang out here longer and establish residency and stable daycare for as long as possible.

I've heard about a change of venue request, is it just a matter of paperwork and the judge then decides?

No I don't want to rock the boat with my son. Right now he leaves me alone, he says he wants to meet in the next few days before he leaves town for his new job. I have a feeling he'll back out, I sort of hope he does. I don't want to see him right now. I didn't even realize he could demand shared travel expenses, likely an attorney told him that by now? Yes I've thought of demanding supervised visitation. But once I file for a divorce won't he start this with his son anyways? I dont' see how they separate it all, I bought a bunch of books on divorce though and I'd rather study before I do this.

I have a business, I invest in stocks and bonds too. Someone said for that sake I should proceed. Or I just need to quit investing for awhile and cash out what I've got, or put some of the bond's in my son's name so he can't have half of what I've invested during our marriage even. Actually they are emergency funds in a way so I wouldn't feel bad, I don't have an emergency account set up just in case.

We were on his health insurance, he should put us on it again when he starts this new job. That's expensive, so is the baby actually. I haven't gotten child support other then $200 once months ago. I haven't asked for any since, we are fine but if you add in health insurance it could get tighter for me financially.

I don't know what he's up to, what his thoughts are. I tried calling him this am, I need to know when or if he wants to see his son. If he doesn't call back at some point soon I'll just tell him I made other plans, that i run a business and I'm busy too. He can't just drop into my life at a hat expecting to see his son whenever it's convenient for him. Actually he hasn't most of the time, so maybe I will lie low and let that part rest. I'm just afraid if I file for a divorce he'll start the custody battle.

Really I do need more information, guess I'll hire a few attorneys for advice only at this point. They'll try to push me, I won't let them. I can't stand attorneys for the most part.

About custody, get the book Mom's House/Dad's House for some great ideas.
About hiding money, they can just ask for back bank statements, so don't bother moving it.
Filing should protect you financially, so do it. Also if you want it to be in your area - if you are able to file in that state/county.
good luck.

Your stbx will be represented by a lawyer who will answer his questions and relay his requests. The more your stbx knows, the better his questions and better his requests will be.

I bought the "official" custody law and marital law books for my state. They not only have the statutes, but there is an interpretation of the statutes. Then I also bought the case law book for custody for my state. And then I read. A lot.

I interviewed with six lawyers and got six free hours of advice. I didn't go in and complain about my stbx - save that for a counselor - I went in and asked specific questions on what was common practice in my county and state - what could I expect.

Then I made up my mind what I wanted, what I was willing to give up and what I would not budge on. And since I had prepared myself so well, I wasn't fooled into negotiation or manipulation when both my stbx and the judge tried to bully us into decisions.

Judges like their cases to be cleared - they can be bullying if they think you will fold.

So, your stbx may ask for the moon - it doesn't mean he will get it if you prepare youself to win. I bought the marital residence (a house I never liked), kept the same sitter, didn't date, and read law books until I won.

V.

I wish you lived closer Sunny...I would LOVE to see those...What are the names of them please...I'm want to see if I can obtain them around here.

Thanks!

He leaves Sun for the job in another state, I'm thinking of filing tomorrow, I guess I can certify a letter to him so he has it before he leaves? Or what other proof is there, or does it even matter? Guess it's time one way or another, I have three weeks here with time on my hands inbetween deadlines for my business. I did well in law classes in college, wonder where I could find the state law books for here. I'll try to find out, I'm the obsessive type too, maybe I'll actually go see six attorneys! They don't give free advice here though I've found out, when I called a few they said I had to come in person and they'd charge half the rate or something like that. i just can't stand attorneys but if knowledge is power I'll have to do a lot of research, for my boy's sake.

Allurin,

I found the publishers really

PA Domestic Relations Lawsource, Zanan.

PA Divorce Code Perlberger.

PA Child Custody Bertin

All of them pricey but available here.

You could find out where your county law library is (usually next to the court house somewhere) and read most of this for free, too.

horsey2,

I hired an attorney that did 85% family law or more, and I also wanted one that wasn't an alarmist, didn't seem sleezy or likely to be lazy or to bill me for things that weren't necessary. Sometimes I was able to ask questions over the phone with them that wanted to charge half billing rate for a meeting. Still got free advice! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

V.

I'll find the books at the courthouse perhaps and I'll ask questions about what's likely to happen to the sleazy attorneys as I call around. I went to court once 10 years ago, I did the same thing, "used" the system of calling around for free advice, getting a few answers here and there without paying for it. The attorney I hired was so stupid that I took the law into my own hands and had to prepare my own case, it was a simple landlord case but I could have been out 20k because of his stupidity. I was young and niave but I learned a lot and maybe I'll be able to apply what I learned then now. How the system works... I have a child at stake this time, not just the money and time like before. Partially I've been in denial that I'm really getting a divorce but it looks like I am. So I have to get serious, and gain as much knowledge as I can. Just wish I didn't have to go through this, but even a Christian counselor said yesterday I'll have to fight for my little boy as he deserves more then this. I'd rather just walk away and hope things remain the way they are now, and he just stays away, but without the law behind me it could backfire so I'll have to know my rights and my boys rights.

Horsey,

I would like to say that it is best for children to have a good relationship with BOTH parents.

Always think of what is best for your child. Sometimes the time spent with a bad parent is better than no parent.

If the man cares for his child and desires to spend time with his child, help him to be able to do so.

My ex was awful to me and he is a very odd, very selfish, rash, self-destructive, and passive aggressive. He does however take his sons fishing, camping, hunting, and golfing. Things I'm not so good at. (Well camping and fishing, I'm darn good)

He tries to convince them to live with him which would put them four hours away from me. A distance I would never have the stamina to drive EOW - although ex does it.

I barely have the stamina to maintain my house and keep up with the kids and my own activities. Being a single parent is hard - as you know.

Sharing the "burden" has it's benefits too.

V.

Thanks Sunny!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I do think he loves his kid, that he's made not so much of an effort to see him in the past year since I left is wierd. He's been selfish and caught up in his own world. I can see a day when he'll want to play ball, fish, camp you name it with his son. The fun stuff after I do all the hard work for years. But if it's in my son's best interest, so be it, you are right. He is leaving for a job in another state this week, the state he's from so maybe he'll stay. I wish he wouldn't drink, but any of his habits got to me in the end, not sure if it's really a problem or not. Not sure if it will be. Guess I have to turn it to God and stop worrying about the fugure. One step at a time. I have the papers at least now I need to fill them out and file for a divorce. They are saying it doesn't matter if he left all the child custody stuff will take place here anyways since I have the boy. This is all very yucky.