Slammed....
You and I are the same boat....we know we should not analyze this situation but we end up doing it....

Everytime I call my friend I tell myself not to get into it and discuss it again (she must be tired of me) but on and on I go about it again.....I just find it really hard not to wonder and think about it.

I went to a concert with H last night....I think I would have had a better time alone...he was tired and kind of grouchy...nothing new. I then realized that for the past month, I have been the one to initiate contact and get us together. I did not realize I was doing that. But I checked my calader and it is so. Even when I did not call for days or a week, I then ended up calling and asking if he wanted to get together...and he would agree. I don't know if he is just trying to be nice or what. But he has not initiated contract for a month. I am thinking of not calling him. See what happens again. It is his B-day next Wednesday and I do have a gift for him, but if I do not hear from him then I will just leave a happy birthday card with a very brief note and that is it. And then I am going to have "the talk" with him and get it out into the open before christmas. I will not put this off any more.

I hope you did go out and do something fun tonight.
Try to enjoy your weekends....I know they are hard, but try!

Best to you...
Daisy

Hi Slammed -

Yes I am back. Back to the hard reality.

I completely understand how you are feeling about weekends and upcoming holiday seasons. I feel the same way. I just feel so unfair - my STBXH is the one who could not handle responsibility and wanted to escape, he is the one who left his family, yet he has his entire family here and he can go to their house with DS3 for holidays when I have no families here and have to stay alone. It is just not fair.

In my mind, that is good at least you found out that your H had OW and their relationship was not going too well. H wanted to divorce ASAP a few months ago but now he hasn't mentioned it. Set up your boundaries and be strong!

Hugs,
Milk

Hey Slammed....

How are you doing?

Hope you are ok....

Daisy

Hey slammed....trying to resurrect this thread <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />....

Hey slammed....

I'll respond to your post here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.....you said a lot of things that make sense.....and that have been running around in my head.....


I worry that this is the case <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.....I don't think H wants to face reallity....but then neither do I <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />....I cannot seem to face the fact that he is done with me....


Yes! This is what I want as well. I wish I had a way to get into his head and get a staight answer to my 100 questions.....but I will not. There is a part of me (I guess it is my ego <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) that really feels I deserve to know what is going on......hmmmmm....I really got to get over that.......but I want to know what he thinks....



I remember when I first read this concept on Pepperband's thread at some point......I read it and I thought to myself...no, that cannot be true! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

But, then I have looked at myself, my past and the stories here and my H's story and it does amazingly seem to fit... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />...



I really don't believe anymore that he wants to get together with me now.....I think he feels quilty and only quilt makes him act this way.......he was not really seeking me out much in the last 2 weeks....just kind of went along with it.....probably feels the way I do....cannot let go of 'us'......but he does not want to stick with 'us' (unlike me!)..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />...



I am really sorry for what you are going through <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />....I am having such a hard time accepting that he is intimate with someone......it hurts so much......how do you deal with it?


I am so happy I have her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I have been talking to her a lot. I am just kind of lonely here.....I want some human contact.....I want someone to give me a hug and just let me cry.......it will be nice to be able to do that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />!

I am thinking of you slammed! I am so sorry for your situation.....we all have to handle it ..... I know I'll be stronger etc.....I wish there was some shortcut <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />!

Daisy

Thanks, Daisy, for reviving my post. I tried to pull it
up and couldn't find it.

I just don't understand feeling unhappy, acting grumpy and
miserable all the time, and knowing that you are taking it
out on other people, but being unwilling to do anything to
change. I am so frustrated that WH has asked two times since
July for the list of our insurance providers, but still has
not done anything with it- obviously not a priority to him !

I understand what you mean about not knowing the motives
behind WH wanting to get together, calling, etc. I have
sometimes seen my WH's actions as "hopeful", but also have
wondered if he just does some of it out of guilt or feeling
obligated. Maybe, as you've said, he just doesn't know how
to let go either.

I do suspect part of OW's appeal to WH is SF. Don't know
why and will probably never get an answer on why WH quit
having any interest in it at home with me, but apparently
has quite the active and exciting sex life with OW. (at
least according to her). There has never been a time when
WH couldn't have fulfilled that need at home- I was always
interested, willing, wanting to be with him. Like so many
other things- no way to get the answers we need !
I guess the only way to tolerate realizing WH has been with
sleazy OW is to think of him as a different person than my
"real" H, and realizing that person is a foggy, deluded
person who would never do such a thing.

Thank goodness we have each other's support and can vent
here. I do talk to several good friends, but hard to explain
how it feels, why we want our M to work regardless, MB
principles, etc.

Didn't hear from Wh today and it's about time for me to
head home from work. Thinking of you too, and praying for
us all-
Slammed

Slammed -

Hang in there!! Your WH has definitely been abducted. Hope they will return him in time for you to want him back!!

Stay strong & keep coming here - we all need each other!!!

Kim

Thanks Daisy, Milk, Kimberly-
All the support and ideas really do help.
Don't know why I'm in such a down mood the past few days-
I think I'm tired, tired of it all, and that the holidays
are really making me feel worse than I have been.
Everything seems so "family" or "couple" oriented that it
makes me feel really out of place. I miss our traditions,
going shopping for WH and his family, dressing up to go to
WH's company party, having him come to my concert (I sing
in a group), and all the other things that come with this
time of year-
I don't want to sit around and "wallow" in misery- thought
I ought to just go ahead and decorate, try to enjoy things
as much as possible, watch the tv specials, but this is
sure going to be tough.

I'm trying to decide if I should do a Plan B, and whether
or not it would help due to depression/OCD of WH. (possible
other mental/emotional issues, SA??) . The opinions here have varied and my IC doesn't really understand MB enough to have an opinion on it.

What I view as making it difficult are:
1) WH and I still have joint finances. I have been emailing
him each month with a list of all our bills and expenses, less my pay, and he has been transferring the remaining balance from his business account to our checking.
I then write the checks and pay the bills, and keep our
checkbook and budget balanced. We do not have joint credit
cards- I have my own seperate account, and he has several.
He pays for his business expenses and credit cards from his
business account on his own. I do have my own seperate
savings account (small). He gives me the receipts for expenses and withdrawals from our joint account so I can keep an accurate balance.
Possibile: Continue to handle these issues via email in
a very business-like manner. ?

2) I can't keep WH out of house or change the locks (he
is joint owner) due to laws of our state. Majority of
Wh's belongings are all still there (he just has some of
his clothes and his toiletries) so sometimes needs clothes
or other items. He normally comes over on Sundays to drop
off receipts, pick up his mail, exchange clothing, visit
the dog, etc.
Possible solution: Be gone on Sundays when he comes over ?
He could still see dog, get his stuff, just not see me ?

3) WH is definitely "fence-sitting" (cake-eating)and I know
Plan B sometimes helps with this. My concern is that he's
been out of the house for several months now, so any "good effects" or love bank deposits I might have made while in Plan A may be gone now. If I go to B, will there be any-
thing left for him to remember ? Will he just be glad to
not have to deal with me and more fully jump over with OW?

4) Don't have anyone I can think of to be an intermediary
as we don't have any "joint" friends.

5) Don't know if the plan will help, due to his depression/
OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). My IC feels that his
behavior is strongly influenced by the "obsessive" part of
his illness and that he is prone to "addictive" type behaviors as well. I think both of these play into the A,
as he was "obsessed" with "hooking" the OW (whom he met
on the internet), and now must be "addicted" to). He is
not living with OW now (has rented a room), although I
do believe he spends weekends and some nights at her house,
so don't now if the Plan would have the desired effect of
bursting their bubble, pushing for her to meet all his
needs or not ????

6) WH is currently renovating a house he has been fixing
up. He apparently plans to move into it once it is done.
(approx 30-45 more days). In the renovations, he has
included several things we planned together for our "dream
house", which made me wonder if he was thinking we might
end up there together. (or just liked the ideas ?)
Once he moves his things out of our house into the new
one, I assume he will want us to put our house up for sale
(as I can't afford it alone)but I think he would continue
to pay on it and related expenses until it sold, and I
could continue to live it in too. I wonder if he is seeing
this as a "deadline" of sorts- because it would either be
just him moving (and therefore, we'd have to decide "who
gets what") or us moving together ? (make sense ???)
Would Plan B have an affect either way ? Would it be better
to try to Plan A until this takes place ?

I appreciate any input~
Also- how do you update your subject line ?
Slammed

BS- me, 42
WH- 38
Married 7 years, together 10. No kids (dog is our "kid")
H has two daughters from previous relationships 13, 9.
2000- H diagnosed with depression/OCD. Has been on 7-8 diff
AD's without much luck.
2001- WH has brief internet "flirtation" (1 mos), followed
by EA with older, recently widowed woman (6 mos). I moved
out- Plan B. Moved back when H asked to get back together.
2002-2003 Recovery seemed to be going well-
Mid 2004- H begins to be secretive, dishonest, mysterious
receipts, cash in briefcase, lots of time on internet,mixed
with good times, trips, projects in house, future plans.
2005- Strange, eratic behavior continues. H not at all
interested in SF, quits job to try starting his own business
goes on supposed "business" trips,out late,drinking, lying.
H insistent we do divorce paperwork, then does nothing w/it.
Moves out 8/05. Suspect A, which WH denies. Tried to continue Plan A when in contact with H.
10/18/05-OW calls me, exposing A and that WH has been living
with her since he moved out. H furious I talked to her (even
though she called me !) OW kicked H out of house- he spent
one night at our house, then rented a room. Believe they
got back together about 10 days later, and that he spends
weekends and some nights at her place. H calls me often,
asks me to lunch/dinner ocassionally, says he is "sorting
things out", "deciding what to do", is going to get a
counselor (hasn't done yet).

Bumping for Mimi and others with ideas, thoughts.
Thanks !

Slammed....

I really don't know what to say to most of what your concerns/issues are.

Your smallest issue #4, I think is not important as Eav is doing just fine and is not using an intermediary. I think the intermediary is usefull (especially with kids) but not essential.

I still think the link between you and your H is BIG! You also don't sound fed up with him. We all get tired around the holidays since it is a time of year where it is about being with the once you love....so no wonder you are feeling the stress and all. I am tired as well.

I hope others come in and have some Plan B advice....

Best to you...
Daisy

Hi Slammed,

I am sorry you are feeling down. Me too, and in fact my girl friend who is perfectly happily married even said she is feeling down in general simply b/c of the dark and cold weather. So maybe our sort of depression is due to the weather and the holiday season as well.

Having said that, I perfectly understand what you are going through. This really stinks that you cannot shop for your spouse and his family. That is a part of the fun. I am planning on getting something small for DS3's cousins, though, and I hope that part will not depress me too much.

If you want to reserve your energy (as used in Daisy's thread after talking to S.H.), it might be a good idea to deal with your WH via email. When I was in Japan, the fact I did not have to see him physically DID help me a lot to deal with my emotions.

If you were living in the same state, I would have come to see you sing in a group!

Thanks Daisy and Milk-

I am continuing to see some changes and small happenings-
just don't know how to interpret them, or whether or not
they will make any difference in the long run...

I continue to hear from WH almost every day- has sometimes
been more than once a day lately. He called Tues afternoon
to see if I wanted to meet for dinner, and when we did, he
actually talked quite a bit more than usual. He has been
"opening up" some lately about some of his feelings and
thoughts, which helps give me some insight, but hasn't
resulted in anything changing.
He still goes back to his "being unhappy because of being
married", "because he wants to be on his own", and because
he "wants to do his own thing". This is a discussion we have
had many times before. I have always thought, and said, that
it seems he has always been unhappy and discontent for as
long as I've know him, and that I believe his depression
and/or other issues are the cause. He has changed jobs,
homes, cars, and people (the OW) and he is still not happy
or content, so I don't believe me or the marriage are the
reason ! I have encouraged him to get an evaluation of
his mental/emotional issues and meds and to go back to
therapy to see if he can get to the root of the problems-
but he continues to say he doesn't think there is any
connection !!!????
He also says that OW "has nothing to do with any of this"
(give me a break !!!) I tried to be very respectful and
talk calmly about her and the A, but can't imagine he
can possibly believe this is true- he is NOT "on his own"
or "doing his own thing" as he says he wants, when he went
straight from our relationship to one with OW, and straight
from our home to her house !!

WH doesn't want to say much about OW or the A, but it does
seem like the "bubble has burst" and maybe things aren't
going so well. He seems to be at work or at his own rented
room more often now, so less with her. I think he may feel
the need to break it off gradually instead of a "clean break". When I said that we could have a "fresh start" and
work on things but he would obviously have to completely
end things with her, he said something like "I know, but
you can't just automatically shut feelings off". I didnt
think of it at the time, but later wished I'd pointed out
that he sure didn't seem to have any trouble doing it in
my case !! Also talked some about his OCD, which he says
he "doesn't have anymore". In my opinion (and IC), he not
only still has it but it is really controlling him right
now!

I really do think WH is struggling with knowing what to do
and making a decision. He has said that he isn't sure we
could work things out because it wouldn't be easy (very
true), and at other times has said he goes back and forth
between thinking he'd be better off single vs. the good
things we had being married, and is afraid he might be
making a big mistake. I have tried to just listen and not
interject a lot of my own opinion, and I know we disagree
on some points, but even he says he needs to get a counselor
just hasn't done it yet as "he is too busy".

Wed. had some bank business to do, so met WH downtown.
As I was leaving the parking lot, I saw his vehicle drive
up to the curb and a woman was driving ! I assumed it was
OW and was horified and furious !! Saw WH get in, and the
woman get out and go around to get in on the passenger side,
so got a look at her- wasn't impressed ! She had long,
wavy bottle-blond hair, lots of makeup, wasn't skinny, and
had on too tight clothes- just the "skanky" look I would
equate with an OW !! I drove off wondering why she was in
our vehicle ! WH left me a nice message later (assumed
he knew I saw her and knew i'd be mad) then called me back
a little later. Said I'd appreciated his message, but it
was hard to believe his sincerity when I saw OW driving
our car and with him downtown. He said she had "blown a
tire" and needed a ride that morning, so he had dropped
her off, then she picked him up, and he took her back to
work. Said it didn't "mean anything" and that he was sorry it had hurt me. I didn't say much else- but it did confirm
that they still have contact...

A little later WH called me again. Asked if I had called the
OW ? He then said that OW had called him and said that a female had called her on her cell phone, asked for him, and then hung up- she had assumed it was me. I said "NO", I
had not called her, and didn't have her cell phone number.
(which is true). He said if it was me, to "please not start
doing that". I said again, "I did not call her".
He said he didn't know who it could be, and I said maybe
she is just making it up. After we hung up, I started
thinking and wondered if she is starting to feel that WH
is pulling away from her and maybe she said that to try to
make him mad at me ? If so, I hope she will really start
LB'ing WH and it will backfire on her !
(Mentioned the incident to IC and she said "sounds like
she is getting desperate".) IC also agrees WH sounds like
he is really struggling, doesn't know what he wants, has
no clear idea of what "being on his own", really means, and
isn't taking responsibility for his own issues (nothing new)
I asked her what her suggestion was for a person who cannot
make a decision and she said "counseling" !! (as we know).
I did tell WH this~

Since then, WH has called me both Thur and yesterday. He
was at his office Thur night, so not with OW. Didn't hear
from him last night, so he probably was. He left me a msg.
this morning to say he was out running errands, etc. and
would try to reach me later. That was a surprise, as he
never has called me on Sat before- I assumed he had been
spending the day with OW. (?)

Guess I've decided to go ahead with putting up the tree
and decorating the house, even though I am having a tough
time with the whole situation and the holidays. I feel
really left out of the season, and really feel the loss of
WH as I think of the traditions we've had, the fun of going
shopping for his family, foods we'd make, etc.

Milk- would love to have had you come to my concert- it
is next Sat <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Slammed

I would have played dumb and told him, not only do you have an OW, but now I saw you pick up a HOOKER.

When do you think u w/b ready t/d plan B?

L.

Thanks Daisy, Milkshake, Believer, Orchid and Movin4ward,
Haven't had much time until now to add an update -

WH has continued to call almost every day- sometimes for a
specific reason or topic, but often for no particular reason except just to talk a minute, ask about the dog,
etc. He definitely seems to want to keep in touch with me.
I believe he still sees OW,since I just had the unfortunate
"opportunity" to see her myself last week (yuck),but it
seems like perhaps they are cooling off or having problems
because WH has been at his office more often, calling me
more often on evenings and weekends, asking to do things
more often, and it appears he is staying at his rented
room more often now, instead of at her house.

I tried what I would consider "Plan A" for a long time until
WH moved out, and then went into a sort of a "Plan B", where
I did not ever call WH except to pass on messages, and saw
him only ocassionally when he would stop by to get clothes
or belongings, pick up his mail, visit the dog, etc.
As he and OW began to have problems and fights, he did start
calling me a little more often, asking me to lunch, etc.
and he has been doing so ever since the A was exposed by
OW calling me. (October 18)

Since then, I've not known exactly what to do. I know that
WH doesn't fit the real "WS" mode because he does have
depression/OCD and perhaps other issues, and many on MB
have advised that the MB principles won't work with him.
Still, I've found it helpful to me and my sanity to read
here and try some of the things that have helped others.

In talking to WH (which we've been doing more lately than
usual) I know that WH still feels and blames our sitch on
"his being unhappy being married". IMO, the issue has been
that WH has depression/OCD which is not being properly treated (because he is off meds and not in therapy) and therefore he is an unhappy person, in general. I don't
believe that it is being married or it is anything I've
done or not done. Although I feel like I did a good job
of meeting his EN's, I certainly don't think I was ever
perfect, and feel there are some things I would change or
do differently, given the change.
WH has been discontent as long as I've known him (10 yrs) and has seemed to think that changing his situation will solve his problems, so he has changed jobs many times, cars,
homes, and now..changed partners, from me to the OW.
By now, you'd think he'd realize none of these changes has
tamed his discontentment or made him happy... but still he
keeps trying.
I think he uses the typical WS "re-writing" and "selective memory" to try to justify some of his behaviors and to alleviate his guilt- as I've heard all the usual stuff- like "we have nothing common, I love you but am not in love with you", etc.
He also is very bad about processing his feelings and is
one of the type of people who holds everything in, doesn't
resolve or say anything when something bothers him, and
then "stores" it up for later, when he has a huge timebomb
of bad feelings, hurt, and anger to deal with.

As I well know, I can't make him change or do anything to
work on himself or his issues. He indicates that he is going
to get a counselor, and has the list of them sitting right
on his desk at work, but just can't "find the time" to call
and get it set up, so obviously it is not his priority.

My IC has a good understanding of his behavior and feels
much of it fits with both depression and especially the
OCD. She feels like he is really struggling with what he
wants to and can do, and is going "back and forth" with
his feelings from day to day. She feels some of his recent
moodiness and behavior seems to indicate he is getting
very frustrated and tired with the situation as well, and
that he has likely set a "deadline" for himself, to decide
one way (for the M) or the other (for a D). She feels like
his "self imposed" deadline is probably putting a lot of
pressure on him and he has said some things that make me
think this is true. For example, he has said that this is
very hard to him too, that he is having a very hard time
sorting things out", that he is afraid of making a big mistake, that he doesn't think it'd be easy to reconcile,
etc. This makes me feel like he really is thinking about it,
but without some IC, I just don't see how he is going to
make a clear decision.

My IC is not too familiar with the MB principles but is interested in them and has been supportive. I have
explained the Plan B, and I've asked her opinion about it.
She is not sure it would be good, because she feels WH
would view it as an "ultimatum" (which she says usually
results in a poorly made decision) or that it will make
him angry, which would be an LB. She has suggested being
polite and friendly, but "cool", not calling, not asking
much or showing much interest, not always being available,
showing I have/am making changes and moving forward, etc.
all pretty much things found in the DB "180 plan" or LRT,
which is kind of a "semi" Plan B.

The last two times we've gotten together WH has been very
quiet, moody, distracted, and grumpy. Both times were
proceeded by a phone call, which I have suspected was OW,
so makes me wonder if things in "fantasyland" are falling
apart. I have tried to just be casual, light, and upbeat
and not to ask much, put pressure on WH, or talk about the
R, but it's really hard. Wh still does act like he wants
to keep a connection and talk though (has what my IC calls
"push-pull" behavior).

WH still does talk some about D, but has not said anything
further about selling our house, continues to pay the bills,
hasn't told friends any more than that we are seperated (and won't discuss that with his family), so in some ways I feel like he is not ready to leave the R, but it's really hard to know !

Milk- I do think the holidays cause a lot of emotional
upheaval. I have started to feel more sad, sentimental, and
lonely since Thanksgiving.

Daisy- I updated and replied on your thread.

Believer- Thanks, I got a big laugh about the "hooker" comment, and it would have been very appropriate.

Orchid- I'm really in a dilemna about Plan B. Would like
to call the Harleys for their advise, but don't know if I
can afford it. What do you think about the sitch ?

Moving4ward- thanks for your reply on Daisy's thread.
I think you are right "on the money" with saying that WH does not respect me and feels I would take him back anytime.
I have worked hard on setting more boundaries and trying to
show some backbone (IC has helped alot with this) but I'm
not sure what else to do.
Because Wh has a very "negative" attitude in general, I have tried hard in my conversations and dealing with WH, to convey optomism and a positive attitude that I believe we have a lot of potential, that we could have a fresh start, that we could both change and make things better, and have tried to show that I do care and support him and feel he has some very nice qualities and talents, but I have tried hard not to sound like I am desperate, pitiful, or will just be here waiting forever.
I've not always been as good as I've wanted to, though, at
not showing interest, asking questions, not calling, not
asking him to do things- maybe now is the time to really
kick it into "high gear" and see if the holidays will add
to the "heat" ?? I appreciate your thoughts.
Slammed

"Sort of Plan B" is no Plan B at all.

Plan B is not just dropping out of contact until he wants it again. Plan B is exactly that -- a plan. You send a letter, tell him what you are doing and why, and then stick to your Plan B. You don't drift out of it.

The result forks both ways: either he gets real or it's over. Plan B doesn't end till one of those outcomes occurs.




What Plan B definitely will do is unhook you from the drama and allow you to move on with your life. He gets to play out his little scenes without your involvement. This keeps you from wasting your energy in the black hole off the A. It's the old saying: you're either part of the problem or part of the solution. Plan B means that you can't become part of the problem.

This is the only for-sure consequence of Plan B. Manipulating the other person is not an aim in Plan B.

Thanks AM. for your reply-

Whether or not to do a Plan B has been my big issue and has
been up for much debate here with mixed opinions since WH
has been diagnosed with depression and OCD and doesn't
therefore fit the usual MB "mold".
Due to this, I've not exactly followed the MB principles
and plans, but I have felt that some of the ideas have
been helpful, and have found the support enormously helpful.

My IC is not too familiar with MB but has been really
interested and receptive to learning more about it. She has
suggested that doing a true "Plan B" might not be a good
idea because she feels WH would view it as an ultimatum,
and a "ploy" and would react angrily, thus making it a big
LB and defeating whatever "good" has been built up from
my best efforts. She has felt, though, that the ideas such
as not calling, not initiating activities, not showing too
much interest or being anxious, not being as available, etc.
(such as the "180") were good ideas and I've been trying to
do that.
I feel somewhat "stuck" because I think I am still too
predicable to WH. I think he knows I want our M, and feels
that he can "get back into my good graces" anytime "he wants
to", so doesn't feel any big rush or incentive to put any
big effort into making a decision or working on the M.
I think this puts too much power into his hands, and I want
the momentum to shift to my favor, just don't know how to
do it !??

Mojodiva- would like to know more details about the way
you successfully used the MB and Divorce Busters. I feel
they are pretty compatible (also "Tough Love")but guess
I'm not finding ways to be "180" enough !!
Slammed

Yes, he probably will think it's a ploy and react angrily at first. If you stick with it, he will see you mean business.

If you look at the quote above, you will see that you are still very much oriented towards manipulating him, figuring out what he thinks and feels, etc. Plan B ends all that. Plan B is for YOU. Little by little, you will think less about him during the day, and, as the cliche goes, you will "move on." Meanwhile, he is still stuck in his mess.

If he doesn't get real, Plan B gives you a head start on the rest of your life. If you are at all like the rest of us, what you call your best efforts are probably mixed with a lot of begging and pleading and wishes for him to change. After awhile, Plan A ceases to be effective for this reason.

Plan B means you recognize you have no control over the A or him. You relinquish any attempts to sort out his mess.

I advocated Plan B for you a long time ago, given that this appears to be a situation with sexual addictions that he will have to solve on your own time. However, I don't want to interfere with your counseling. So this is just a prep talk for what Plan B is about.