I started a post over at plan a/plan b forum much of the history is there under "WIFE STILL SEEING OM". On Sept. 21 she went to file family court papers for joint custody and I replied with filing D papers in response. I was a planing this A for month in half and started to get frustrated. I was getting all the typical responses from her " I dont love you, I have never loved you, I dont want the M,and I'm not happy here." She has tried NC a few times they last abouttwo to three days and falls write back to the OM. Well last night we had the best talk we have had in a while with no anger or hostility. She did admit that the A was 98 percent her fault and she finally did realize that the mistakes we both made before this A (not meeting each others needs or wants) that we have to forgive each other and not dwell on them, but try and prevent them from happening again. She told me she sat up most of the night before thinking if she can get the trust back in our relationship. She said if I was going to go NC with the letter and try this for two months or six months or even a year she does not think it is going to work right now. She believes that separation is the best way for us right now but she is still going to move in with the OM. We both agreed once agian we both dont want the D but you keep living here. That is why she filed the joint custody papers so it is not abandament on her end. We go to court next week and I imagine shortly there after separation will start with alot of hurt on my side only. This is not what I want but i'm not making the choices here she is so I go along for the ride of pain and despair. What is ironic is we both know were are problems lay but she choses not to fix them at this time. When we got done talking tonight I finished up with that the trust could be rebuilt if we BOTH do it together and her reply was "I dont think it is going to go that way." Then I told her I will always love you. She is just to determined to ride this A out to end without even wondering what could have been with a eight year M verses persuing a five month A. In all this we have a agreement in writing with our lawyer that this would be part of the D. I get the custodial custody of kids, house, two vehicles, and some bills but she walks only away with a van and a payment and joint legal custody of the kids. She is willing to give all that to me because she wishes to be with this guy at all costs. I am looking at the finance end of the D and I'm doing better then most guys out there but I lost what I want most and thats her. I have an important decision to make because recover after a D is hard to do but recover before seems the way most paople go. I guess I can roll the dice like her and hope I win but once again the kids always lose.

Well, it's too bad you have participated in this seperatation agreement, but at least you did get protection for yourself and the kids and have maintained the house.

Have you exposed her affair? Who is the OM? What is his marital status and do they work together?

Do you have any of the Harley books, such as Surviving an Affair and HIS Needs, Her Needs?

I hope your legal papers are all signed, and done. Usually the WS changes their mind about being so "generous".

I second that advice. Let the WS have the OP...crash and burn! It will happen. It WILL happen! She doesn't realize it...right now her sacrifices, stupid as they may be in reality, are to her "romantic"...sacrificing all for love...bleech! But what happens to the kids? Where does mommy stand with the kids when she just gives them up?

Let the papers get signed.

Have you done plan A? I am not up w/your story on a/b. You probably have.

I'd let her move in with her "prize" of a man...then I'd expose like mad! Have those papers signed in hand and expose like mad!

It's time for RECON on OM my friend!

Is he married? Where does he work? Does he work w/your W? ARe the KIDS GONNA BE EXPOSED TO THEIR AFFAIR? This is most important BEFORE ANY HEARING...
Why?

It is standard in most custody cases that it is written in that "custodial parent with children under roof does not have members of opposite sex spending the night under same roof while children in custody" or something like that. It does exclude same sex family members though. So an OP is BARRED from spending night under same roof w/kids.

I would seek legal advice on that one. My xh got by with it b/c he lived in gated community. I had some recon on it..and he lied and pretended to pay for apartment elsewhere for FV. FV was really living with my WH but he was paying for an apartment only her ROOMATE was living in...get it? Appearance of FV on apartment lease showing separate residence, but she's really shacking up w/my little boy in that home! And behind gated fence...I had one recon visit by private eye..but alas, I had picked such a SAFE community that the security guards at the security gate didn't let them in the second time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Get her to sign that...and get pi to do drive by and you can easily prove if she is in contempt of that...

I would look carefully at your plan A.

And quite possibly, it may be time for B to spring into action! Let OM meet her needs. all of em since she is going to let go of her entire family to have him...I think it's time to go dark. The whole strict plan B shebang.

I think this will do the trick.

She needs reality dose to wake up poor Juliet...she's gonna see that living with romeo is really nothing but a tragedy...and less romantic than she ever thought!

Om is 46 D for the last year and no biological kids from first wife. All his step kids are out of house. They dont work together they met in a bar from a mutual friend. It was not done maliciously just a friend intro. I have read surviving an affair and tough love. Both excellent books for BS. We dont have a separation agreement, lawyer ill advised me of that. That is why I filed D papers in Sept. What we have signed so far is just the spilting of kids,assets, and liabilities. The d is still going through uncontested so far on her end also. I think it is the guilt that is getting the best of her.

Check out some stats from Probe Ministry.

A lesser known fact is that those who divorce rarely marry the person with whom they are having the affair. For example, Dr. Jan Halper’s study of successful men (executives, entrepreneurs, professionals) found that very few men who have affairs divorce their wife and marry their lovers. Only 3 percent of the 4,100 successful men surveyed eventually married their lovers.{13}

Frank Pittman has found that the divorce rate among those who married their lovers was 75 percent.{14} The reasons for the high divorce rate include: intervention of reality, guilt, expectations, a general distrust of marriage, and a distrust of the affairee.

I say get the legal papers completed, so you can protect your family. I'm sure your wife will be back, but in the meantime, don't let her get ahold of any money to blow on the OM.

cod, I just read your story and have a better fix on your situation. When will your W be moving out? Frankly, as flagrant and destructive as she is, I would try and make that happen SOON. She is rubbing your family's nose in her affair.

The sooner she is in with the OM, the faster the affair will crumble anyway. It is all based on a fantasy and will crumble soon enough.

Secondly, I would see about putting it in your seperation agreement that your children NOT BE exposed to her sleazy, filthy affair. It is very common that a WS tries to introduce their own children into their filth in order to "normalize" it and give it a much ill deserved respectibility. The OM is not a fit adult for your children to be exposed to so I would do everything in your power to prevent that from happening. It is not uncommon for children to be molested by the dates of their parents and since your W's judgement is so impaired, I wouldn't count on her to protect them. You MUST do it.

They should also know that mommy is in an immoral relationship with another man and understand WHY their family is being broken up. If no one explains this to them, they will be morally confused and start to doubt their instincts about right and wrong.

Who is this OM? How do you know he is single? Are there any exposure opportunities at his workplace or with his parents? It would cause huge conflict in the affair and prevent him from bringing your W home to mama if his parents knew this was a married woman in an adulterous affair. This would really SQUEEZE the affairees.

Are you CERTAIN he is divorced? What does he do for a living?

I'm sorry I didnt give you people alot of background. The d day was end of july A started in June. She asked me after the D day not to tell anybody. I waited one week then I exposed. I did my tapping of the phone, lokking through the purse, the car, and following her. I found out the OM cell number on our cell phone. Traced the call and got name, address,civil and any criminal background, all without hiring anybody. He doesnt have any criminal backgroud because he has a government job. Civil the big D with ex. My ww was told from other people she knows to be careful because he likes to date M women and drop them later. I heard the conversation to him about that ? my ww asked him and he said that he did do that to one women once but you are different. My WW had a lump in her throat. But she is going to move in with him and he has met our kids thanks to the wife. My kids will be sleeping there some nights when she is off from work but she works midnights and those nights I'll have the kids. She is going to push the kids onto this OM and the OM onto the kids should be interesting for her but I dont like the idea my kids are going to gr=et dragged through this mess. Very self centered person WW is.

Do you know who his parents are? Did you see my suggestion about contacting them? That would cause great trouble in the affair, especially if you sent his parents a picture of your kids.

I suspect he probably will dump your W pretty quickly, perhaps even before she moves in. It is pretty rare that it gets that far before it crumbles.

So why are you allowing all of this?

You are helping her end the marriage by agreeing to divorce. So that tells me that you do nto want this marriage.

You are allowing her to take the kids around the OM, without even a word of protest to her or explanation to the kids on how wrong it is. Thus yo uare condoning this behavior and normalizing it for your kids.

So again, I ask...why are you allowing this? If you want your kids protected, if you want your wife to come home and stop this nonsense and save your marriage...then you are not going about this the right way.

You are either in Plan A, Plan B or Plan D (divorce). right now, it appears that you are in Plan D...which means your marriage is over. Because in Plan A and B, you wouldnt even talk with her about divorce or you would not let her take those kids around the OM without making sure everyone involved knew that this was immoral and repugnant.

If you want to save your marriage though, then you are on the wrong track heading the wrong way.

In His arms.

My kids have big beatiful eyes and see things very clearly. I have to be careful of the words I use so the kids dont carry this awful burden on their shoulders. I did tell them that mommy having a boyfriend is wrong and is not the right thing to do. I dont want my daughter to see this lifestyle and think it is okay. That just keeps the A mindset going on. Let me give you a little insight on my WW life history. Her maternal grandmother left her grandfather for don jaun. My WW mother left her dad for don juan. And know my WW is leaving me for don juan. I plan on breaking that pattern for the goodness of my daughter.

I have told al of her family and they all agree not to bring kids over there but my hands are tied unless I can prove he is a bad person. I already spoke to my lawyer about stoping this from happening unless I got some dirt on him or if the kids tell me they dont want to be there. That is where I sit with that believe me I tried every angle on this. I exposed the ****** out of this A to the extent I could. Know I like the idea of parents on his end. I will have to look at that angle.

All good!

But again, why are you agreeing to divide things up? Why have you not told your wife that it is unacceptable that those children are there with her when OM is there? These are not the actions of someone trying to save his marriage. Your WW just sees you as helping her do what she is doing.

In His arms.

Okay, all good here too.

So why the divorce?

In His arms.

I have been told if things with this guy dont work out and she does not come back to the M and try, the vindictiveness could come out and now I dont have any guilt to use in my favor. right now guilt is allowing me to get all these. I would rather have my wife then toys but I got to be careful.

I think that you need to get the financial part in order - mainly because you are going to have the kids, and she is so willing to give them up.

I have seen too many folks here trying to save their marriage at all costs, and meanwhile losing everything - by splitting with the WS or to lawyers.

Why did your lawyer advise against a separation agreement?

The separation agreement is a binding contract between us saying that we will not cohabitant or have any sex or the agreement is void. If things with the OM dont workout and she tries to come back to you but you cant work it out she might try to get the contract voided to get all that she gave up. Hes just telling me what he would do but it is your option and your money.