It was suggested I re-post this in this forum to possibly get more advice.
I'm feeling so much hurt right now and my head is about to explode from crying. My husband and I have been a bit rocky on and off since we got married 1 1/2 years ago. Last year when he got out of the Navy is when we had the hardest time, we did one session of counseling and everything seemed to work itself out after that. I felt we were doing great since then We've been through a lot of stressful situation with work, school, finances and such for the past year, but have been able to overcome everything together as a team. He's been affectionate to my satisfaction and we seemed to be doing fine. Well I guess my thoughts were wrong.
First it started last night with me telling my husband while he was in the shower that I needed to put his new school ID number in his memo pad on his phone so he wouldn't lose it, he kept telling me now just write it down on a piece of paper, I told him why you are going to lose it I'll just put it on your phone, but he was so resistant against me putting it in his phone. This is when I started getting suspicious, why didn't he want me to go to his phone? He never had problems with me going into his phone. So I told him, I'm doing it anyway. Of course because of my now suspicion I had to look at his contacts. I saw there was a new name on there, of course it was a her. I looked at his call log, he's been calling this woman like 3 times a day since last week. As soon as he got out of the shower I confronted him. I told him I know why you didn't want me to see your phone now, who is ---? She's a friend he says. Who is this friend that you call like 3 times a day from work and school I ask. Just a friend from work. From work? How is she from work if you call her from work. Well its a customer that came in to get her car done. Why are you calling her? She gave me her number and I was bored at work so I called her. WHY? Well because I was bored, she's a cool person, its not like I"m trying to do her or get into her panties. Then it all went downhill from there. He sees no problem with this, with meeting a strange woman, her giving him her number and him just calling her. She even came to visit him at work once because he was bored and aske her to . He does NOT see why this is so upsetting to me. There is nothing going on, I don't see a problem with it he says. So why didn't you tell me about this woman I ask him. Because I didn't think it was a big deal.
Now I guess I should give a tiny bit of history here, and a reason why I am so against him having female friends. About 3 years back before we got married, when he went on a trip home to NYC he met a woman, he thought she was cool and they exchanged numbers. When he got back home he would talk to her all the time. She's just a friend. So as much as it bothered me, I was trying to be understanding and let it slide. After a few months and almost a year he would talk to this friend a lot. I once heard him say how he couldn't wait to see her again when he went back home to visit. Eventually we had a big blow out and it came out that he felt for this person more than just a friend. but that he'd never do anything about it because she lived 3000 miles away. Because that makes me feel better?? Anyway, after a huge 4 hour discussion that went into the next day we finally came to a conclusion. He didnt want to end our 2 year relationship and he agreed to cut ties with her. Fastfoward to now. He's done it more than once, he has a habit of meeting women and not being able to just say, nice to meet you, and part ways. He has a habit of making 'friends' with these women. Oh I have no friends, you won't let me have friends he says. WHY does he have to have female friends. ESPECIALLY when he knows how I am still insecure and so very uncomfortable with this. I really don't wish to relive the past. Maybe I'm being a bit hard headed about me not wanting him to have any female friends, but I mean, how can I not feel the way I do?
Well after finding out about this person last night he tells me, you know what I just don't care what you think anymore. Why do you have to go snooping in my private things, I'm tired of this same game over and over again. How could he say this to me , maybe if he actually respected my wishes and stopped doing what I would like for him to not do we'd stop arguing about it! He was just being so hard headed, telling me how he's just tired of this stuff, he's not happy with our marriage and our relationship, he's tired of trying and dealing with it. He feels like he's trapped and tied and hates the fact that he feels like he can't do anything because he's married. He hates feeling like he can't be himself and have his own stuff. That he just doesn't care as much anymore about how I feel about certain things. He tells me, well I've never fu&*ed around on you, I haven't gone and done anyone, believe me I've had plenty of chances and if I wanted to I would have already. Then he says I haven't done it 'yet'. YET?? So you are telling me that eventually you are going to go and do someone else? At this point I"m at a complete loss. He says haven't you noticed I"ve been feeling depressed lately. Well yes I have but I thought it was because of work and school and finances, I didn't think it was because of me and our marriage! I thought we were actually doing really good, I guess I was wrong . At that point I can't take it anymore and go for a walk. We let it go for the night and finally talked a bit more on our way to work tomorrow. That's another stress, we are having car problems right now and have to carpool everywhere. Anyway. He apologizes about some things he said last night, saying he was just so frustrated and could have worded many things differently and some things came out how he didn't mean them to. I asked him if he even wanted to work on us anymore. He just doesn't know. He told me if counseling is what I really wanted he'd go, but he doesnt feel it will do any good. He's not happy and I don't know why exactly, and the frustrating part is that he can't exactly tell me either. All he knows is that he feels like he's tied down in prison and doesn't know what would make him happy. He doesnt know what a happy marriage is supposed to consist of for us. I can't do this alone. I've read alot of stuff on this website, but I just can't do it myself. I"m so confused, I love my husband so much and he tells me he loves me too, and I really don't want to lose him or our marriage, but so painfully I feel it slipping away....I asked him when he dropped me off if he would please cut ties with this woman, remove her number from his phone and stopped calling her. He said he would, but I don't know if I believe him. I'm looking for a counselor, I don't know what else to do
Below are answers to some replies I got in the other board and further details:
1)to him its just a friend he can 'chat' with when he's bored. He has never really been able to answer me why he must make female friends, when there are plenty of men with interests similar to his that he can befriend. His only answer every is just, I get along better with females and they make better conversation. I found a counselor and have left her a message this morning, I hope she calls me back soon.
2) he doesn't refuse to go to counseling, he told me this morning that if that is what I wanted he would go with me. With our schedules we don't have much time, but I am going to find time. I told him that if we go to counseling I'd like him to go with an open mind, he said he's willing to do that. Last year when we went to marriage counseling, we just went to one session, after that he said he was just going through the motions and answering her questions, and he didn't want to go back because he felt it wasn't going to do any good and that we could resolve things on our own. Which we did, or so I had thought until now. And I don't want that to happen again. I also didn't feel that counselor to be very comforting or effective, so I didn't push us going back to her. So I really hope this new counselor I have found is better. So he's not closed to the idea, he's willing to try. He mentioned to me this morning also that he feels that maybe a counselor may make the situation worse, which I'm not sure why it would, I feel it will get worse if we don't do anything about this now. He had a very rough past in and out of group homes and such so I know why he is so apathetic towards counselors, so I'm praying this time will be different. I do believe when he says he's never slept with anyone, but I know that obviously after this woman gave him her number there was a reason for him calling her other than he was bored. He found her interesting and attractive I'm sure. And I told him what bothered me is that he didn't sit and think for one second before he picked up the phone that first time he called her...what would my wife think about this? How would she feel if she knew I was doing this? And again his answer being, well I just didn't see anything wrong with me calling someone I have no sexual interest with. So yea I think he has problems realizing how an emotional relationship with someone else can be so detremental, and I guess that is what I'm hoping a counselor can help us bring out, amongst many other things of course.
Last night I kind of wished I could just run away, I felt like, if he wants to be alone fine I'll leave him alone and leave him for a while. But I know that's not the answer. It just hurts so much imagining a life without him in it, that everytime I think that this could end in separation I feel the water works coming on. I guess in my heart I wish I could know that this is going to turn out ok....
3)I did have another question....how do you start making things better? I'm not sure when exactly we'll be able to get in to see the marriage counselor, but I would like to do something until then. I know what is going to happen already, it happened before. He is going to pick me up from work tonight, and we are just going to go back to normal. Talk about our everyday stuff, how our day went, vent about stuff to each other about work or school, talk about random stuff, and just go on like if nothing happened. I am going to want to ask him if he called 'her' today, but then I'm going to avoid doing so because I don't want another war to break out. Then when he comes home after work I'm going to try and give myself peace of mind and check his phone while he's in the bathroom to see who he called or who called him today and if he did indeed erase her #. I am going to try and get ahold of this counselor all this week until I can set an appointment, and until I do I am going to want to keep the peace in our house. I know he can easily let it go, but I know I can definitely beat the horse to death if I want to. Making life even more miserable for both of us or I can just wait until we get in to see the counselor to bring stuff out again.
Now not saying this is what needs to happen, but what I predict is going to happen. It started already, he called me right now during his lunch hour, he asked me how my morning was going, and he started telling me about his stressful morning at work. Then we just went into our regular chit chat about random stuff like cars. (he works at a dealership). As I was talking to him everything felt good again, even though I know its not. We are going to face this. But I just don't know where to start. I've been reading all the basic concepts and the Q&A but there is just so much information. Where do you start. What can I do to just subtly and peacefully bring stuff out or bring stuff up between us without causing a war again? I feel so overwhelmed. Part of me just wishes I could put all of this under the rug and just continue on in our daily life. But I know its not just going to go away, its going to keep coming back. I"m sorry if I sound like a rambling fool, I guess I'm using this as an outlet to let out my thoughts as well. I really appreciate all of you who have read this and responded. This just doesn't feel over, and I am not going to let go of my marriage without a fight!
Sorry this is so long, but thank you to those that took the time to read through all of that. I just feel so confused and overwhelmed right now....
