That would be fine if you truly enjoyed what you have now, but your posts clearly show that you are frustrated with the situation.

[color:"red"] yes I admit I was when I initially started this thread but through the many posts I have come to realize that I do need to go back to the way I was a few short weeks ago when I was just letting things happen and not letting my panties get into a bunch. [/color]

Not if you are having sex with another guy

[color:"red"] ROTF...touche' my loss then!! [/color]

Not if you are having sex with another guy

[color:"red"] Wait a sec...what's that have to do with just going out for a date? [/color]

You know, the only reason why I even bother to post here is because I'm trying to break myself of a habit I have. I tend to withdraw from people that I assume aren't listening and/or cannot understand my logic. I clicked the window closed, posted on another board and then decided to come back when I realized what I was doing.

Allurin'---you have children. Dating isn't all about you anymore. When you bring a man into your life, whether he's staying overnight or not, it impacts your children. You may not see it, but trust me, when they get older, they might tell you about it. By then it'll be too late to fix the emotional scars.

You haven't even come close to healing, based on what you've posted about your previous marriages. If what you're saying about "J" is true, he hasn't even come close to healing from his previous marriage either (Read: If he was healed, he wouldn't be afraid of commitment)

You can pretend that you're not reading my posts, but think about your children. Good grief...

I don't go out on dates with women who are having sex with other guys. Maybe that is why I don't go out on dates much <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

BUT how do you know they aren't???

Alluring,

Introducing your children to J so soon is a concern that I have. As a parent and an adult, I think our job is to protect our children. I think the children need time to adjust to idea of living in 2 different households, and acknowledging that Mom and Dad will not be together. These two things are difficult for children, they really don't need anymore on their plate to deal with.

My EX introduced at least 4 women to my children within 6 months after our separation, my kids hated that. My oldest was already out of the house and meeting all these women bothered him too.

When I started dating BF, he knew I had 5 kids and I made it clear to him that my children will not be meeting him. His reply was "If you had it any other way, I would not respect you."

During the first 11 months that we dated, he did not meet the children, but he knew so much about them, just by listening to stories and things I told him about my children. I knew that he cared for them, I was very confidant about our relationship, that's when the introduction took place.

My kids adore him and vice versa. My family have been very impressed with the way he interacts with the children and how my children have responded so well to BF.

I even took a step further and have even discussed with BF about discipline issues, so that down the road if we were to marry, I know that we would be compatible. This is very important to me because my EX and I never agreed on any discipline methods. I felt as if we were on different teams and the children saw through it. It caused problems when my oldest became a teenager, he used it to his advantage. Thank goodness he turned out well and has a good head on his shoulder! God was truly looking out for him!

As a single parent we must make our children our number one priority and do everything we can for their best interest. It is very challenging, but so well worth it.

Best of luck to you Alluring.

Alluring,

Here is my view on sex. I think when people have sex too soon in a relationship, it clouds their judgment on how they view the other person. The sex makes us ignore those red flags flying in our faces.

When you have 2 people getting to know each other without sex you see things more clearly. When the feelings for the other person continue to grow and flourish, it just makes it so much more genuine and healthy.

Just something for you to think about.

Hugs to you!

Immovingon thank you for your opinions. What works for you might not work for me but nevertheless I do value your outlook just the same.

thanks a bunch! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't... Then again, I do not do the whole multiple dating game, so I am very selective about who I go out with. I have developed a good ability of spotting those who are playing the field and those who are interested in one-on-one relationships.

It took me a while, and I have certainly made my share of mistakes, and can't say I won't again in the future... But overall, I feel that I am not easily played these days <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

Hey, all. Let's pretend GreenEyes is an intelligent grown woman, and not some silly school girl in her first crush! Geez! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

And while we're at it, maybe we could stop encouraging her to employ the oldest female trick in the book, start withholding sex in order to get what she wants.

(Been there. Had that done to me. Got the t-shirt.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

OK, I'll play... Really, no one is calling Alluring a silly school girl. Rather, I think many of us have walked in her shoes (you know, dating before being divorced, or getting really into someone who is not all that into you), have been there and got the T-shirt, as you say, and are offering advice. Doesn't mean she has to agree, we are just sharing thoughts and opinions.


Interesting way to spin "don't have sex with a guy who is not exclusive with you and is browsing dating sites" advice into "oldest female trick of withholding sex to get what she wants" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. Bud, not having sex with someone who is not exclusive with you is not a trick, it is (in most cases) considered "normal". Unless you come from the school of thought that "hey, I bought you dinner, now you should put out".


What? You were mad that some woman would not have sex with you because you were not willing to be exclusive with her? Or are you projecting some other frustrations that have little to do with what we are discussing here?

AGG

AGG, I was not 'spinning' at all, but perhaps I wasn't clear. Not consenting to sex prior to a committment from your partner is probably good advice. Engaging in sex, then withholding it due to genuine re-found guilt or ethics, could also be justifiable, though frustrating as h*** to the partner.

However, to engage in mutually enjoyable sex, and then withhold it so as to manipulate your partner, is not noble OR moral. It is fraud and it is dishonorable. And it is SOOOOO commonly done!

THAT is what I was talking about, and THAT is what it seemed (to me anyway) was being advised to GreenEyes.


Again you misinterpret me, AGG. The only personal experience I was referring to was my own with my wife who, by the way, I DID promise exclusivity to. That promise, however, did not matter at all when my wife chose to use the aforementioned "oldest female trick" in order to manipulate me.

I daresay I'm not the only married, or otherwise committed guy to fall prey to this 'trick'.

To AllurinGreenEyes....some wisdom from the Offspring....

Self Esteem

I wrote him off for the tenth time today
And practiced all the things I would say
But he came over
I lost my nerve
I took him BACK and made him dessert
Now I know I'm being used
That's okay cause I like the abuse
I know he's playing with me
That's okay cause I've got no self esteem

We make plans to go out at night
I wait till 2 then I turn out the light
this rejection’s got me so low
If he keeps it up I just might tell him so

When he's saying, that he wants only me
Then I wonder why he sleeps with my friends
When he's saying, all women are like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well I guess, I should stick up for myself
But I really think it's better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care Right? Yeah!

Now I'll relate, this little bit
That happens more than I'd like to admit
Late at night, he knocks on my door
He's drunk again and, looking to score
Now I know, I should say no, but
That's kind of hard when he's ready to go
I may be dumb, but I'm not a dweeb
I'm just a sucker with no self esteem

When he's saying, that he wants only me
Then I wonder why he sleeps with my friends
When he's saying, all women are like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well I guess, I should stick up for myself
But I really think it's better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care Right? Yeah!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

OK, thanks for clarifying <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I agree that it is wrong to withhold sex as a bargaining chip. So hopefully Alluring will not do that. But I also think that it is perfectly fine to have the position that "no exclusivity = no sex". That is not manipulative, it is a reasonable boundary.

Again, thanks for clarifying, and sorry for being snotty in my last post, it was late <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

Okay so what's the difference between being a player and playing the field? To me being a player is very bad!! and playing the field is looking to see what's out there...keeping options open until you find one both agree you want to be exclusive with.


You're right...I don't have to agree...but I do appreciate all the input...it really has made me think about how I want to raise my standards. Not saying I'm giving up ship yet with J but when he gets here tonight I do want to have a talk with him about my concerns and in person where I can read his body language and see his reaction to it.




thanks FireandIce!



What can I say...I like sex and lots of it...That doesn't mean I sleep with just anyone though...It just means it's not something I'm willing to give up until wedding bells ring...should that ever happen again. At 39 I can still count the number of sex partners on two hands. Not bad for an old girl in my opinion...LOL


I would never do that...it's never been my style to play games at all!!!


I totally agree with this reasoning...although not something I'm willing to do. I like sex too much especially good sex <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I am going to let him know that if he isn't ready for the exclusive that's fine...I get it...BUT I'm not waiting for him to decide when, if ever, is a good time to try exclusive and I also want to tell him that if that's the way it's going to be...I want to go back out there fishing in the sea seeing how he doesn't want exclusive. I won't be put on hold for a "maybe". Then it will be his decision if he wants to say "okay that's fine", or "okay but if you do that I don't want to see you anymore" or "no don't I'll give it a shot at exclusive". And I can live with his personal decision.

*

FireandIce??

How 'bout an update? Hows everything going?

Yeah....



(BTW Faith, where's your update? On Friday nite?)