I think the inconsistency in your outlooks from day to day is going to drive him crazy, Alluring. Look at what you said a few days ago, and compare it to what you are saying now:

Last week: (my emphasis)

Now:
So which is it - are you OK with things as they are, or do you want them to be different? You can't keep changing from day to day.

AGG

Okay update..I did nothing...LOL

He didn't get here until almost 11 pm. By the time I fed him and we chilled on the couch talking about his night it was time for bed. We didn't get up until 10 and he had to get back out the door as he had rehersal and stuff that afternoon and he lives an hour away.

I didn't sleep well last night...I've got alot of daily stresses going on right now and I've recently started talking to two other guys and I know I shouldn't feel guilty but I do.

Sigh...it's one of those days..not to mention it's cold and rainy here and that doesn't help my mood either.

Sorry I don't have a juicier update than that.

But he doesn't see this...I haven't said what I want to say to him yet...lol

I am okay with just seeing him and having sex with him...BUT I want to see what else is out there...I don't want to sit on the sidelines waiting for him to decide to commit. Who knows...maybe once I do tell him my intentions he may decide to call it quits or he may decide to go exclusive. It's a chance I have to take I guess.

Alluring --
Sometimes its just not worth pursuing. It sounds like your night was nice, and who needs to spoil that with heavy relationship talks?

Its definitely going to present itself in time. Either he will want a commitment from you or maybe you'll decide you don't.

If you want to see what else is out there -- just do it. You don't need to spell it out for him. Otherwise it just comes across as a ploy to get him to commit.

What are your intentions at this point?

You make a good point...he's a grown man...I shouldn't have to spell it out to him.

I think I'm going to keep talking to these new ones and see what happens from there. It certainly can't hurt.

I do enjoy his company and I am okay with just hanging out I just was feeling like I needed to have a meeting of the minds with him just in case one or both of these guys and I decided to meet one day. But I doubt he would come to me and say..."oh by the way..so and so and I are going to go meet...just thought I'd let you know" if the shoe was on the other foot.

Can I ask a somewhat stupid question not relating to J???

Why is it...when you first starting talking to a guy online and he asks when was your last date and you tell him how you are casually seeing someone but it's not a committed relationship he gets all bent out of shape and quits talking to you???? what's that all about???

Some people like to date only one person at a time. Either they have been betrayed before, are afraid of being betrayed, or don't want to deal with the hassle of multi-dating or competing. Seems strange that they disappear though. That's one thing I hate about online communication and online dating in general: people just disappear. ugh. Just be honest!!! A lot of times misunderstandings or assumptions can be clarified if people would just ask their questions or be honest about what they like and don't like!

But, depending on how long you talked, what you talked about, and how you said what you said... could affect how he took it, and why he disappeared.

Alurring,

"Why is it...when you first starting talking to a guy online and he asks when was your last date and you tell him how you are casually seeing someone but it's not a committed relationship he gets all bent out of shape and quits talking to you???? what's that all about???"

Some people don't like seeing more than one person at a time. It's a turn off for them.

Well, aside from the "getting bent out of shape and disappearing" part, that is how I am wired too. I have no interest in dating people who are dating others. "Try the rest before you try the best", I always tell them <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

No biggie, GreenEyes. Just posted something that went off-topic, so I got rid of it.
As I said before, an intelligent woman...
...who MUST be from some other planet, 'cause I NEVER heard an earth-woman say this, darn it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(Of course, it might have just been ME, ya know?)
Heck, maybe he's one of the last true chauvinists... he wants to date around, but his 'women' all have to be true to him. (It's an ego thing - big ego, small pe... er... FEET.)

Ah well, his loss, right?

I kept pondering this on my drive home today... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />.

Do you really think that a guy who would be willing to become involved with you while you are sleeping with another guy is a kind of guy you would want to get involved with?

I don't know your answer, I just wonder if you have thought about it?

"Can't hurt" has been known to lead to many hurt feelings, I suspect <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

You just did!! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />


This was my thought too!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />


Absolutely!! Why should he be the only one to have his cake and eat it too??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

AGG...


At least I was on someones mind today...even though he was thousands of miles away and wants nothing to do with a woman who is sleeping with another man...LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />



Okay..you are assuming he knows that I'm sleeping with another guy. That's not something I just do on a whim number one and two that's not something I would talk about with him. and furthermore...How do I know he's not doing it to me?? I wouldn't...right??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />


Actually I have and my answer is up above...:)

[quote["Can't hurt" has been known to lead to many hurt feelings, I suspect .[/quote]

Who is it going to hurt?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Well, since you like to overanalyze <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, let's analyze this: You are sleeping with a guy, and are planning to talk to and meet others... You won't tell the others that you are sleeping with someone else, nor will you ask/trust them that they are not... And then you ask who is going to get hurt?

Frankly, I don't know who is going to get hurt, but my gut tells me that a situation built on dishonesty and mistrust more or less guarantees that someone will... But maybe that's just my experience, YMMV.

AGG

Okay so what you are saying is...every person I meet I need to ask who are you sleeping with? and vice versa they should ask the same?

Someone over on GQ, I believe it was Lemonman had a great quote that applies here "Some people don't get it and they don't get that they don't get it".....

Alluring, you stated that you would not be honest with a future partner about your dating life, further you implied that you wouldn't trust them to be honest with you. AGG quickly pointed out that a relationship built on mistrust and dishonesty will likely end in someone getting hurt..... I must say I concur with him....

In an earlier post you mentioned cake-eating in reference to men or something like that.... Well if you want an exclusive relationship that leads somewhere positive and healthy you are going to have to stop cake-eating. 1st your going to have to get divorced. 2nd you'll likely have to give up your sex buddy. 3rd you'll have to cultivate a healthy relationship with appropriate boundaries without clouding the relationship before it has a chance to grow roots. Yes, there are other ways to go about it but more times than not those ways end in yet another heart break.

That being said, if you're looking for a sex-buddy and a good time, power to you, that's great. Just don't build unrealistic expectations of what you have.

Honesty is crucial UP FRONT, if you want to build a strong foundation. I'm currently dating D. After our 2nd date, we were talking on the phone the next day. He asked me something about a phone call I received and joked about was it another guy. I said yes. He was surprised and asked how many other guys I was talking to and seeing. I told him 2 others. He asked me why didn't I tell him. I said "because you didn't ask, and it just hasn't come up yet, but I wasn't trying to hide it". We talked about it some more, and worked everything out, but it was a tense moment. I should have said something sooner - probably by asking HIM if he was seeing anyone, or how he felt about it, or by saying "by the way, I just want you to know...".

No - I wouldn't start every conversation out by announcing your current arrangement, but every guy you date has a right to know.... just like you should know what they are up to.

Of course not! I wouldn't expect you to tell the mailman, the grocery store checkout person, or the bank teller about your sex life.

But, if you are talking about a person whom you meet as a dating prospect, then I think that would be a fair topic of conversation. The only exception might be if, as Bill said, you are not looking for a partner, but just for a f***buddy.

BTW, the comment that you "love sex too much to not have it" sounds to me like a way to avoid setting boundaries.

One of my worst recent heartbreaks was the woman I met on Match, who after dating me for a month and making all sorts of leading statements suddenly remembered that she had a boyfriend, and was so torn between him and me. "But AGG," she said to me, "I didn't do anything wrong, I didn't plan to meet someone great like you, it just happened" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. As Bill said, some people don't get it and don't even get what it is they don't get.

All I am saying, Alluring, is that you are setting up a bunch of people to end up in the same situation. Oh, and BTW, not only I got hurt in that situation - so did she and her BF. Don't go there.

Bottom line is that sexual history (especially an ongoing sexual relationship) should definitely be discussed with new people you choose to date. Unless you want to be dishonest. And then someone is going to get hurt, no doubt about it.

AGG

Faith,

Your story just reminded me that the woman I mentioned (who forgot about her BF) actually said the same thing to me - "But you never asked!". I told her that the fact that she was on Match and dated me for a month would be, to a reasonable person, a strong indication that she was not married (another thing I didn't ask her about) and available <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. Silly me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />.

I agree with you that these things should be out in the open very early, before incorrect [censored]-u-mptions are made <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

AGG my point is that I don't feel it's something that needs to come up in conversation at the first meeting...

For sh*ts and giggles lets say I meet XYZ and he and I decide to go out for dinner as a first date. I'm not about to discuss my sex life with him that first date. Should we continue dating and it become obvious that the desire is there to take it to another level...then I think it should be discussed absolutely! Also let me say that I would never sleep with someone else while still sleeping with J. That's just me...While I may try this multiple dating thing...I will not sleep with one on one day and another the next day...that's just wrong in my opinion.

I agree.... BUT... It would likely come up if you are seeing anyone else and you should be honest to that.


Here is where the problems begin. What would you say? Oh XYZ, we've been dating for a month and I want to move it to another level so let me be honest, I've been sleeping with J the entire time we've been dating? How does that sound? Would you feel comfortable with someone telling you that? Radical and past relationship honesty is highly regarded by Dr. Harley. So if you believe in honesty it will have to come out.


So what you are saying is that willing to try to find another relationship that you aren't in a position to commit to? How many times did you physically date J before y'all had sex? I don't ask this to be mean, I'm just saying look at that as your threshold. So if you had sex with him on the 3rd date then is it safe to say that you can only have two dates with any other dude before drop J? Just some things to think about.....

[color:"blue"] I'm ashamed to admit that for sh*ts and giggles I went out on a few dates "behind my BF's back". To me it felt like cheating and I stopped. I found that I felt disrespectfully about my BF that he didn't fulfil my needs, but even worse was that I was not fully giving him the opportunity to do so as long as I was looking to "trade up". It also did not feel fair to date guys that were hoping to develop a relationship while all the time I was not really seriously looking because of my feelings for my BF.

V. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />[/color]